by R. J. Sable
Honestly, all I’m thinking about are those three little words.
“You told me you loved me after just a month?” I gasp.
“Elise,” he sighs. “It’s not really just a month, is it?”
I cock my head at him because he’s only been my boyfriend for that time.
“I told mum I was going to marry you when I was six,” he smirks. “I’ve loved you for a decade.”
“Six year olds don’t know what love is, Karl,” I frown.
“The best ones do,” he shrugs. “Believe it or don’t. I know how I feel, Elise.”
“You really told your mum you were going to marry me?” I grin, latching onto this so we don’t have to talk about the L-word.
He nods with a sad smile. “I guess some mums would have laughed but mine didn’t. She just said ‘I know’ and told me to take care of you.”
“Really?” I practically gush.
“Yeah,” he sobers. “Did a lousy fucking job at that, didn’t I?” He laughs bitterly.
I slap him. “Don’t swear,” I reprimand. “And you’ve taken better care of me than anyone. You saved me, Karl. Don’t ever begrudge that fact by pretending that it didn’t mean anything.”
He smiles apologetically and we sit in silence a while longer, wrapped in our blankets with our fingers interlocked.
“I brought sleeping bags but I don’t want you to get freaked out,” he tells me after a while.
I’d noticed but I hadn’t expended much thought as to why they were here.
“It’s cold out but it’s going to be a full moon and clear skies so I thought we could lay in them and watch the stars for a while.”
“Good plan,” I nod approvingly. I love the idea of lying together and appreciating the natural beauty around us.
“Awesome sauce,” he grins and I chuckle because I love that Blossom’s catchphrase is spreading.
Becky and I have become a permanent attachment to the Carter sixth form group and so she’s become a friend to the family. Honestly, how could she not? The girl is pure, refined, awesome sauce.
“Can we zip the sleeping bags together?” He asks cautiously.
I love that he’s respecting my boundaries and I can tell by his facial expression that he’s not got any dubious intentions. Doesn’t mean I can’t mess with him a bit.
I scowl and cross my arms over my chest, glaring at him as best I can.
“So we can share body heat,” he sighs with exasperation. “Honest, Elise, I didn’t mean…”
I break out into a grin and he trails off once he realises I was winding him up. He rolls his eyes but sets about zipping the sleeping bags together. He lays all the blankets on the ground and then helps me slide into the sleeping bag on top of them.
He’s right, it is cold but it’s not unbearable. The apple tree and surrounding bushes make an excellent shield from the wind and the blankets take away any chill from the ground. The candles around us dance in the darkness as the last light from the evening sun fades away.
“These are really good sleeping bags,” I mumble, snuggling into the fluffy depths of warmth.
“Military ones,” Karl smiles proudly. There’s a strong military tradition in the family.
“You ever think about going into the military?” I ask him as we lay on our backs and stare up at the clouds through the tree.
He shrugs and stays quiet for a while. “Ian wants to.”
“So?” I prompt when he doesn’t continue.
“I don’t just want to do what he wants to do. Besides, if he does it first, everyone’ll think I’m just copying. I want to go to university and prove I’m not stupid.”
“Prove to who?”
“Everyone,” he grumbles.
I elbow him in the ribs because he doesn’t need to care about what anybody else thinks of him. We both know he isn’t stupid. He has a crazy good memory.
“What are you doing after sixth form?” He prompts but then he places his hand gently over my mouth and I can see him smirk in the moonlight. “Wait, let me guess.” He grins and pretends to think and I pretend to bite his hand so he pulls it away tangles his fingers in my hair instead,
He’s propped up on one elbow looking down at me and he looks as handsome as ever with his eyes twinkling in the candlelight and his lips curled up in a wry smile.
“Woodwork?” He prompts knowingly.
As if there was any doubt. I love working with wood and I love creating things with my hands.
“You’re amazing at it,” he whispers, pressing a tender kiss to my lips.
“I am,” I mumble against his mouth because I’m proud of it and I hate people who fake modesty to get more compliments.
“Amazing at kissing as well,” he breathes.
“We are,” I whisper back, pulling him closer.
He’s careful not to put his weight on top of me and rolls from his side to his back, taking me with him so that I can lie on top of him.
I suspect he’s done it so that I don’t have to lie on the slightly cold ground and I’m not complaining because the man is like a radiator.
I may have wanted to look at the natural beauty around me but Karl is all-natural and he is beautiful to me. He was a beautiful boy when we were younger but now he’s a ruggedly handsome young man with a delicious chin cleft and the most kissable lips in the known universe.
Not that I’d tell him that.
Chapter 26
My first thought upon waking up is that I’m warm. Not too warm, not sweaty, just comfortable. I’m surrounded by the smell of wood stain, cinnamon, and morning dew.
Morning dew? I wake up a little more when that thought strikes me. I open my eyes blearily but I can’t see anything.
My brain kicks into gear and I realise I’m still buried inside the sleeping bag. I’m folded into Karl’s side with one arm crossed over him.
I can feel the soft rise and fall of his chest under my hand and it’s warmer than I expect. I’ve somehow managed to manoeuvre my hand underneath his jumper and t-shirt.
I cringe inwardly because I feel like I’m touching him without his permission. I try to ignore the well-defined lines of his pecks and abs as I slowly move my hand down so that he won’t know I’ve been feeling him up in my sleep.
My hand stills over his navel when his hand encircles my wrist and halts the movement.
“What are you doing?” He grumbles. He sounds far more awake than he should do and I realise he was awake before I was.
“Um, sorry,” I wince guiltily. “My hand sort of… I didn’t mean to.”
“You fell asleep with your hand outside the sleeping bag,” he informs me with a smug smirk. “I tried to wake you up but you’re kind of violent when you want to sleep.”
He raises an eyebrow at me and I scowl. He’s always accusing me of beating him up but, honestly, I don’t think he even feels it and I wouldn’t need to do it if he’d just do as he’s told. Stubborn man.
“When you refused to wake up, I had to warm your hand up,” he explains
“In your shirt?” I look at him with a gaze full of accusation.
“Best way to warm your hands,” he shrugs. “It was that or my armpit and I didn’t think you’d thank me for that.”
“You expect me to thank you for this?” I prod him in the stomach for emphasis and he jerks, unprepared for the assault.
“I kinda think you should,” he smirks once he’s recovered. He’s grown smart so he laces his fingers with my own so I can’t poke him again.
“You need to thank me for not giving you a turnip,” I grumble.
Luckily for him, I’m not really a morning person and I want my ten minutes of lounging in bed to wake up properly.
Since we don’t have a bed, I’ll have to make do with Karl’s chest. It made a fairly good pillow so I figure it’ll do for the next ten minutes.
We settle into our comfortable silence again and I barely even register that our fingers are entwined over his bare stomach, hi
s t-shirt still pushed up to his chest.
I decide just to roll with it because there’s something comforting about it. It’s like the buzz between us is massaging my skin and releasing all the tension. I can see why I fell asleep on him. Really, I had no choice.
“I slept all night,” I murmur, more to myself than him.
Karl knows that I need to feel safe to sleep. He knows how important it is to me.
I feel him nod above me and he presses his warm lips to the top of my head. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve become used to his scent from sleeping in his bed but I slept pretty well considering we just spent the night outdoors. In winter.
I felt safe. Protected.
That’s huge for me, especially in the presence of somebody else and without locks to keep people away.
“I liked sleeping with you close to me,” he mumbles against my hair.
I smile to myself, keeping my head tucked in because he can’t see. He likes to pretend he’s a big macho man but I know he’s basically a big softy.
“Don’t mock me,” he grumbles, feeling me vibrate with silent laughter.
“I just think it’s sweet,” I answer, looking up at him with a grin on my face.
“I’m not sweet!” He protests.
“Sure you are, darling,” I goad. I can’t help it, it’s too much fun.
“You are the most irritating woman I’ve ever met,” he sighs, using the hand I’m not holding to pull me closer.
“You like me irritating,” I grin because I know he does.
“I love you irritating,” he corrects. His hand travels slowly down my arm and rests on my hip.
I must have been tossing and turning somewhat because my t-shirt has ridden up and his hand settles on my naked skin.
We both tense in unison but I’m the first to relax. I don’t know why the callouses on his hands are so soothing but they are. I remember that my mum’s ex-boyfriend had the softest hands I’ve ever come across. He’d never done a hard, honest day’s work in his life.
“Is this okay?” He asks cautiously.
I nod, snuggling into the nook of his neck.
He breathes out a sigh of relief and splays his fingers over my hip.
“I want to touch you so bad, darlin’. It feels like my veins are burning up whenever we’re not touching. I just don’t know what your triggers are. I’m scared I’m gonna scare you off.”
“You don’t scare me,” I scoff even as I realise that not having him in my life scares me more than I care to think about.
He moves his index finger gently over my hipbone and my skin breaks out into goosebumps. I know he notices but he carries on anyway.
“I don’t mind you touching me,” I continue, because it’s true and I actually quite like it.
“How am I supposed to know what I can do without upsetting you?”
I shrug because I can’t give him an answer. “Guess you’ll just have to find out.”
“No offense, Elise, but if I try something and you don’t like it, you tend to be a bit violent.”
I chuckle because he’s right. Honestly, I do want to be closer to him but I’m scared that he’ll do something to make me spiral down into that dark place and I’ve worked too hard to get here, into the light.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” I mumble, pulling him close because I’m scared that this will put him off. I’m independent; it’s who I am. I feel unsure about how much I need Karl after such a short time.
It’s not that I don’t feel myself when he’s not around, it’s more like I feel like a better version of myself with him. Being back here – under our tree – it’s like the final step I needed to take for Elise to be one hundred percent who I am again.
Karl’s right. I don’t need to be perfect. Neither of us are and yet we work together. We’re… dare I say it? Happy.
“Can we set some boundaries now?” He asks softly, interrupting my silent introspection.
“Only if you kiss me.” I tilt my head up in anticipation because I know he won’t say no to me.
“I think I can do that,” he smirks.
My body comes to life as his lips meet mine and my stomach clenches in a non-too unpleasant way. The feeling of his fingers on the skin of my hip intensifies to an intense tingling and my fingers lace tighter with his as I try to pull myself closer.
I wish I could crawl inside him and never come out. Is that creepy? I don’t care. I’m owning it.
The hand that’s on my hip squeezes gently, kneading my skin and crushing my abdomen against him. It’s quite nice until I feel the fairly obvious bulge in his trousers and I bolt back as far as I can, which isn’t very far in a sleeping bag.
“Elise,” Karl groans, raking his fingers over his face.
“Why did you do that?” I snap.
“Do what?” He sighs.
I grit my teeth and stare at him. I’m seething angry but I’m not going to say it. He knows exactly what he did.
“Elise, you were pressed up against me and it’s first thing in the morning. I’m attracted to you. You know that. You’re beautiful through and through, you can’t expect the guy to ignore that,” Karl explains patiently and gestures down to the ‘guy’ in question.
“I don’t want that thing anywhere near me,” I snap, clutching my arms around myself because I think I’m trembling slightly.
“Just because I have a hard on, doesn’t mean we have to do anything about it, Elise,” Karl sighs. “I would never, ever ask that of you.”
I ignore him and take a few seconds to work through my breathing exercises. It’s soothing to focus on something so simple yet essential to life.
I think through what’s just happened. As is the norm, I know I’ve overreacted. I may not be an expert in this department but I know men don’t necessarily get to choose when their soldiers stand to attention. I just didn’t like the familiarity of having it pressed against me.
“You said I wasn’t pretty,” I say because it’s all I can think of to say to quash the mortifying moment. He definitely said I wasn’t pretty when we were in the common room with Matt.
“I did,” he nods, looking at me cautiously like he’s not sure what to make of the sudden change of conversation.
“But you just said I was beautiful.”
“I did,” he smirks. “Who’s the one pointing out things we already know now?”
I smile despite myself because he looks far too smug. “That makes no sense.”
“It makes plenty of sense. ‘Pretty’ is the word Jamie uses to describe things with sequins and glitter and shit. You’re not pretty. That’s too mundane to describe you. My vocab isn’t great and even beautiful doesn’t do you justice.”
He looks contemplative for a second and I shuffle back closer to him because I don’t like the distance even though I instigated it.
“You rock my socks. That’s the best I can come up with.”
“I rock your socks?” I mock him.
“Right off,” he nods, offering me his bicep as a pillow.
I accept because it would be rude not to. It definitely has nothing to do with getting closer to those muscles.
“Boundaries,” Karl reminds me after we’ve settled into our cuddle again. He’s careful to lie on his back this time and I appreciate it but I feel guilty that he needs to be so cautious with me. I don’t think that’s what a real relationship is like.
“That was exactly the sort of thing I want to avoid. I don’t want you to be scared of me, Elise.”
The pain in his voice as he speaks tugs at my heartstrings and I hate that he thinks I’m scared of him.
“You don’t scare me, it just… it reminds me,” I swallow past the painful memories.
“I wish I could make you forget,” he says, his voice raw.
I roll over and press a kiss to his cheek because I know that if he could, he would. No matter what the cost. He’d take my pain away.
“What just happened, Elise. It’s going to
happen again and it’s going to happen often. Just because it happens, doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything to you.”
He sounds hurt and I know my reaction has offended him.
“I need you to trust me.”
“I trust you more than anyone,” I say honestly, because it’s true. Now that we both know the truth about what happened, I know there’s nobody I trust more than Karl. He never let me down. If anything, I let him down.
“Do you think you can learn to get used to that happening? Honestly, Elise, with you around there’s not much I can do about him.” He smirks at this and I know he thinks he’s being funny but this is a humourless situation.
“I’m worried that it’ll cause a problem. I know you’re going to need… relief. I can’t give you that.”
Karl laughs.
The irritating git actually laughs.
“Not to be creepy but I’m pretty good at getting my own relief.”
“I know it’s selfish,” I scowl. “Because I can’t give you that but I don’t want other girls touching you.”
He frowns like he doesn’t quite follow and then he laughs harder, his large frame vibrating against me.
“You think I’d go to other girls?” He grins at me. “And here I thought you knew me.”
“Well... what else are you going to…” I trail off because I suddenly realise what he meant by getting his own relief. “Oh.” I swear this is the closest I’ve ever come to blushing.
“Oh,” he mocks. “I’d never cheat on you, Elise.”
“I know that,” I nod because I really do know that. Call him what you like but Karl Carter is loyal. “I just didn’t think you’d ever need to… you know. DIY.”
“DIY?” He chuckles. “You think I get other people to… put my shelves up for me?”
“I’ve heard the bathroom gossip,” I scowl, resisting the urge to beat him for being the reason my ears almost bled.
“I get gossiped about in the girls bathrooms?” He grins like this is good news.