An Imperfect Circle

by R. J. Sable

And I don’t regret it. Because, even from this far away, I can see the look in his eyes. I know the laughter is hollow and he feels as empty as I do.

  He meets my gaze for a second longer before forcing his eyes away to answer whatever inane question Annie is asking him.

  I don’t hear his answer because I’m too far away and that’s fine by me. My skin is crawling with an overwhelming sense of jealousy because Annie gets to talk to him and I don’t. It’s almost killing me.

  I need to fix us before it actually does.

  Chapter 35

  “Jake, leave her alone!” I shake my head exasperatedly, pulling Jake off of Jamie before he can use the black permanent marker in his hand to complete the whiskers he was drawing on her face.

  Thank goodness it’s Saturday tomorrow so she won’t have to go to school like that.

  Jamie scowls at Jake and bunches her fists up. She’s obviously upset but I know she won’t start an argument with him because she won’t want to upset her big brothers.

  “Jacob,” Karl barks, coming into the room and drawing his own conclusions from Jamie’s new facial features.

  “She stole my pen!” Jake argues, well aware he’s about to get in trouble.

  “I borrowed it!” Jamie argues, albeit quietly. “I didn’t know he was using it.”

  She shuffles uncomfortably and looks at her feet as though she’s scared she’ll be in trouble.

  Karl’s taken over the room now so I stay out of the way. They’re his siblings and he needs to control this situation without me sticking my nose in. I don’t want to undermine him.

  “Did you ask first?” Karl asks, keeping a firm grip on Jake’s shoulder because he’s likely to bolt and hide so he can escape reprimand.

  Jamie nibbles her lip. I didn’t see where she got the pen from, I just came into the room to find Jake pinning his sister down and decorating her face.

  “I was making a card for Grandma so she’ll get better,” Jamie mumbles dejectedly.

  I wince because Jamie’s finally starting to understand how poorly her grandma is and I really wish she wasn’t.

  “Answer the question, Jamie-Lea,” Karl demands with his voice so full of authority that my skin prickles on her behalf.

  “No, sir. I didn’t ask,” Jamie admits.

  Karl sighs. “Right. Twenty for Jamie . Thirty for Jake.”

  “Why doesn’t she have to do thirty?” Jake wines.

  “Don’t question me, Jake,” Karl snaps and Jake visibly shrinks back as his older brother’s shoulders tense in irritation. “Forty.”

  The look in his eyes challenges Jake to argue again but he knows better. The expression on Jake’s face says he’d quite like to draw whiskers on Karl. Or worse.

  I go back to making tea and coffee and Karl oversees their press-ups. I thought he was a bit overly harsh but I know he’s trying to assert his authority and – like I said – it’s not my place to undermine him.

  Over the past few weeks, Karl’s slowly lowered his guard around me. We’re not exactly friends but we can exchange a few polite words without anything terrible happening.

  “Want tea or coffee?” I ask him with a neutral voice.

  “Coffee,” he sighs. He looks pretty tired so that’s probably a good choice. I’d give anything to rub his shoulders and help him relax but we can barely be in the same room let alone touch each other.

  “Please,” I snap back. I don’t care if he’s mind-bogglingly handsome, tired, and stressed out. I deserve basic politeness.

  “Please,” he answers sarcastically but I let it slide because I swear I saw the hint of a smile.

  “I’m sorry, Karl,” Jamie-Lea shuffles up behind her brother with a truly apologetic look on her face. She’s finished her press-ups and obviously wants to know that all is forgiven.

  “Good girl,” Karl nods in approval, ruffling her hair affectionately.

  I groan because I spent half an hour putting her hair into neat plaits earlier in the evening but Jamie doesn’t seem to mind.

  “Tea for us please, Elise,” Danny joins us with his twin. “Nice whiskers, little one.”

  Rick scoops Jamie up so he can examine her face. “Very cute,” he nods in agreement.

  Jamie’s face brightens somewhat as she wraps herself around Rick for a cuddle and he obliges.

  I nod and pour cups for everyone. I pass Karl his cup and almost drop it as our fingers brush and the buzz is back.

  I haven’t felt it in so long and it’s a bittersweet agony because I immediately want more. I gasp before I catch myself and Karl pulls his hand away

  He clenches his jaw and drags his spare hand over his face before shaking his head and going to sit on the far side of the table, as far away from me as he can.

  I see it as reassuring because he felt it.

  Which means I still affect him and I’m surer than ever that I can bring him round.

  Because he still loves me.

  “Where’s mine, demongirl?” Matt demands.

  I roll my eyes at him but pour him some coffee with two sugars because at least he’s smiling. I haven’t seen him smile at me for a while.

  Aunt Megan brings Craig into the kitchen to join us and the whole family is together. Granddad and Grandma Carter moved down South last week because of her health. I think secretly Peter didn’t want his grandchildren to have to witness the final demise of their grandmother. Especially not after losing their father just a few months ago. They spent the holidays in the hospital and Peter decided enough was enough.

  She really isn’t well.

  Matt’s eighteenth is just around the corner and it means a slight shift in the Carter household. Most importantly, aunt Megan can go back to live with her husband and children. On the days we haven’t had assistance from the military’s family support scheme, Megan has had to sleep here because, legally, there needs to be an adult here.

  When Matt turns eighteen, he can be responsible for everyone in the household if needs be. At least until Karl turns eighteen or Ian comes back from training for good.

  He was home over Christmas but he’s gone back to training now. I only saw him briefly with all the festive rushing about but it was awkward.

  Ian has always been years ahead of himself; he’s been an adult since he was twelve as far as I’m concerned because he’s always acted like one.

  But now he’s different.

  At school there was always at least some trace of the young man inside, the carefree aspect of his personality. But he’s not carefree anymore. And he can’t afford the luxury of not being an adult. It was obvious that he understood that and had accepted it. And I don’t envy him the responsibility.

  The only positive thing was that he was in his element with the military training and I’m happy for him. I know how much it means to him.

  “Hello, Elise,” Megan greats me with a fond smile. “That lasagne smells wonderful.”

  “Thanks,” I smile. “It’s my great grandmother’s recipe. Mum claims it’s one of France’s best kept secrets.”

  Megan laughs. “Then we’re honoured. I can’t wait.”

  “Can you teach me to make it, Elise?” Jamie asks.

  “Oh, that depends,” I tease. “Can you keep a secret?”

  “Who do I have to keep it secret from?” She asks contemplatively.

  “Your big brothers,” I whisper.

  She thinks about it for a few seconds and then nods eagerly. “Recipes are good secrets.”

  “Good secrets?” I ask with a grin.

  She nods. “We’re not allowed bad secrets.”

  I frown but I don’t get chance to think about it because Jake jumps in to explain whilst Megan uses face wipes to try and remove Jamie’s whiskers.

  “Danny said we’re not allowed to keep secrets about where food is or other important things.”

  “Important things like food,” I repeat, cocking my head at Rick and Danny because I swear their lives revolve around food.

  “Fo
od, oxygen, water, money, life, and legacy,” Rick explains. “All the crucial things.”

  I scoff at their backwards ranking system and shake my head in despair. I don’t think there’s a hope of changing their minds.

  “You two are hopeless,” I sigh, turning my back on them to check the lasagne.

  The lasagne disappears extremely quickly and I’m pretty pleased that I didn’t mess the recipe up. I’ve gotten much better at cooking since I’ve been doing it so much recently but the lasagne recipe felt a bit ambitious regardless.

  The whole family is in the den when I nip down to say goodbye. I get my usual hug from Jamie-Lea and a friendly smile from Craig and Jake. The twins just wink and wave.

  “Thanks for dinner,” Karl mumbles as I make my way up the stairs.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “Mathew, it’s a bit late. Could you walk Elise to the bus stop?”

  “I’ll be fine, Megan. It’s not far,” I reassure her before Matt can answer.

  “I’d feel better if somebody walked you there, dear,” she insists.

  “I’ll do it,” Karl cuts in, shoving Matt back down as he goes to get up.

  I’m not sure if I’m relieved or horrified. If he tells me to stop turning up it’ll be practically impossible to keep my cool. If he really doesn’t want me, he can’t deny me his family as well. I love them as if they were my own.

  He’s silent as he hands me my coat and school bag before pulling on his own jacket.

  I’d give anything for him to take my hand in his as we walk but he keeps his fists tightly balled up in his pockets as we leave the Carter household.

  The awkward silence is light-years away from our comfortable quiet of times passed and it almost hurts as the seconds tick by. This irritates me beyond belief and I snap at him before I can stop myself.

  “If you didn’t want to talk to me, you could have let Matt walk me.”

  The ghost of a smirk flutters over his lips before it disappears and he shrugs. “Didn’t think you’d want him giving you shit. You know he can be.”

  “I like Matt,” I frown because I don’t know what he means.

  He shrugs again and carries on towards the bus stop. I sigh with extreme over-exaggeration so he knows how frustrating I find him.

  Irritating dung beetle that he is, he ignores me and I find myself asking why I had to fall in love with said dung beetle.

  He sits down at the bench by the stop and I scowl because I expected him to leave. He leans back and his shirt rises, revealing that strip. The strip that is the bane of my existence.

  I pretend not to notice the smug smirk on his face when he catches me looking and I hurry to sit next to him.

  “You can go now,” I inform him abruptly.

  “Might as well wait for the bus to get here,” he shrugs.

  “Fine,” I feign nonchalance because I’m just grateful to be this close to him on our own after so many weeks of indifference on his part.

  “That lasagne was awesome,” he says after a while.

  It feels like an olive branch so I smile. “Thanks.”

  “I appreciate all you’ve done for the family,” he says, eyes on the road in front of him.

  “They’re my family too,” I shrug.

  He looks at me at this and cocks his head, giving me a weird expression. He studies me for a while and I let him because I’m using the opportunity to take a good look at him. I feel like I’m in withdrawal, I’ve been kept at a distance for so long.

  “I’m sorry for the things I said. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  “Yes you did,” I retort because it’s true.

  He frowns and looks at me like I’m a puzzle. “Okay. I did but I shouldn’t have. Can you just accept the apology?”

  “Apology accepted,” I concede. “But only because I needed to hear it. It actually helped so I guess I should be thanking you.”

  “Chance’d be a fine thing,” he mutters and I slap his arm without thinking.

  He looks shocked for a second but then we both laugh and it breaks the ice a bit.

  “Look, I take it you’re not going anywhere?” He prompts after a few seconds.

  “Nope,” I reply with confidence, knowing full well he’s not talking about the bus ride home.

  He nods. “We can’t be what we were but we could try being friends again. Make things easier for our friends and family?”

  I pretend to mull it over but it’s exactly what I was hoping for. Well not exactly. I was hoping for a rewind button and maybe a do-over switch.

  “Okay,” I agree. “Friends.”

  Chapter 36

  I'd like to say the transition back to friends went smoothly, that I just showed up at school the next week and we were best friends. Unfortunately, nothing is ever that simple when it comes to broken hearts.

  Don't get me wrong, it got better. It just wasn’t what it used to be because it couldn’t be.

  There’s no point dwelling on the negatives though. For example, our break-up had inadvertently fractured the social group so that our friends were forced to choose between sitting with Karl and Matt or with me, Blossom, and Rob. At least now that we're sitting together at lunch and breaks, the gang is reunited.

  It's strained though. It sometimes feels like my mere presence stresses Karl out and it stresses me out as well because I miss our games of chicken, our static shocks, and - most of all - his touch.

  I'm not sure if I'm imagining it but it feels like he goes out of his way not to touch me.

  And I sort of want to punch him for it.

  It's torture because I want to be close to him because I love him despite all the hurt he's caused by ending it. I know he still loves me, I just wish he'd admit it to himself. He's not his usual self and I know his dad's death, Ian’s leaving, and the breakup have taken their toll on him. I want to make it better but that’s not my place anymore and I’m not sure there’s anything I could do anyway.

  Unfortunately, the grumpy, brooding thing seems to be working for him in the same way it does for Matt because girls won't leave him alone. My fingernails actually make a physical dent in my plastic chair when I watch Stacey fussing over him with her low-cut top practically offering her melons up on a plate. The things are ridiculously over-sized, she doesn't need to draw attention to them.

  Pathetic.

  I'd have done more than damage my chair if it wasn't for the fact that Karl looks irritated as well. I sort of expect Matt to rescue him but he seems to be enjoying the show far too much and I suspect he's amused at how uncomfortable Karl is.

  “I'm going to the library,” I announce because Stacey's balloon display has put me off my food. I was eating Wagon Wheels so that speaks volumes about how repulsed I am.

  I figure it gives Karl an out if he wants one but I'm not sure if he'll take it because, if Matt doesn't follow, he'd be alone with me.

  “I'm coming with,” Karl announces, glancing sideways at me. “Matt?” He prompts, looking at his best friend expectantly.

  Matt scowls at Karl and my eyes widen in surprise because it happens so rarely. I've only ever seen them angry with each other a handful of times. Usually, Matt’s demons are visibly restrained and I can see him battling with them at every turn. He never has that problem with Karl, he can usually be himself and not worry about it but this time I can see the battle warring behind his scowl.

  Karl glowers at Matt for a few seconds longer and I can tell he's contemplating calling him on his aggressive disposition but in the end he just shakes his head and mumbles “whatever” before walking off in the direction of the library without waiting for me.

  “Thanks,” he mumbles begrudgingly, holding the door for me whilst I catch up with him.

  I quickened my pace slightly but I wouldn’t have done it for anyone else so he should consider himself honoured.

  “You’re welcome,” I murmur back because it was more for my sake than his. I’m not exactly overjoyed at the notion of the man I love st
aring at trampy Barbie’s boobs.

  “What’s with Matt?” I ask because I don’t want to continue that train of thought.

  He shrugs. “He’s pissed at me.”

  I just nod because if he wanted to tell me why, he would have.

  He sighs and slumps down into the chair and rests his face in his hands. I can feel his frustration, exhaustion, and general despair in the air around me. It’s like the sad hum of television static.

  “Are you alright?” I frown, sitting on the seat next to him in the relatively still and quiet library.

  He looks up at me and frowns slightly. “You’re seriously asking?”

  “Very seriously,” I nod.

  He sighs. “I’m fine.”

  “You’re not.”

  “I am,” he scowls, his beautiful blue eyes radiant as ever.

  “Sure,” I scoff and roll my eyes. “Well if you need me to turnip Matt and teach him a lesson, say the word.”

  He grins at this and my heart beats slightly faster because he’s grinning because of me and it’s been a while.

  “You’d do that for me?”

  “I’d do anything for you,” I admit on a whisper. Right before my brain sounds a foghorn to tell me that was the wrong thing to say.

  Karl’s grin falters and his expression drops like it was the last thing he expected me to say. I’m proud of myself for being honest but cringing internally at the consequent awkwardness.

  “How are uni applications going?” I ask to change the subject and because I want to know.

  He relaxes and a slight smirk crosses his face. “I’ve not applied.”

  “What?” I balk because the deadline for submissions is fast approaching.

  “I don’t think uni is the right choice for me.”

  “Since when?”

  I agree but he seemed dead set on it. It’s not that he isn’t clever, I just don’t think he wanted to go for the right reasons.

  “Since Christmas,” he shrugs and I hate that it’s taken me so long to find this out. “I talked to Ian.” He looks up at me and his thick lower lashes fan out across his perfect cheek bones. “I was so fucking jealous.”

  I laugh because he’s grinning so he’s obviously gotten over it and I suspected he’d be jealous because I know he wants to be where Ian is if he’s honest with himself.