“Oh, he’s not that cool,” I said, trying to lessen her interest. I shook my head with confidence, hoping to make her believe it.
I was glad it wasn’t the Robert I knew. Maybe my decision on Colorado was made because I didn’t want to be very far or very close to him. Not that he ever knew I existed. He was forever taken by some girl until their recent breakup when she got engaged to an American and moved to Colorado with him. Everyone was very surprised with what she did. People said that her parents had arranged this for her and she didn’t refuse it. I think he also didn’t want to be too close or too far from her; it was why he moved to Utah. I never knew what she looked like. She wasn’t in our school in Paris. Robert felt like he lost a piece of himself and moved to where his father and cousins were. Gossips said that he kept emailing her until one day she just stopped replying. That’s when everyone suspected she got married to the American. It was also when she stopped replying to a few others at school.
“Wait until he smiles then tell me.” Sarah began walking away at a faster rate. “Let me show you the theater. There’s only one here, but you’ll find people your type there.”
I followed her fast pace, tried to keep up with her conversations. It wasn’t hard for me to get drifted away by my own thoughts, but I tried not to. I knew it wasn’t easy to find someone to show me everything around, and I didn’t have a good memory for directions. What I picked up of her conversations was that Colorado has four seasons, and during this month of October it’s a bit cold because early next month is the start of winter. Today the temperature was fifty-seven degrees, and it was going to be sunny for the next whole week. Sarah told me about some preparations for a trip to the Rocky Mountains the following weekend and said there was space for me if I wanted to join. I wasn’t really ready to socialize yet but promised to think about it.
Beside the theater was a large green field. I felt so small before this huge space of grassland that slowly climbed in altitude toward the sky. People were resting on the grass under the sun wearing winter clothing. A guy and a girl were running down the hill very fast, and the closer they came to the bottom of the hill the more I noticed they were coming toward us.
“Sarah, Sarah!” the girl was calling. Sarah’s face lit up at the sound of her name. The girls hugged and then the guy joined their hug. I was standing alone looking awkward. The guy was very handsome and had dark skin, maybe a little chocolate. His hair was jet-black and curly; his eyes were an extremely beautiful green that matched his shirt. The girl was equally attractive: brunette with light brown eyes and very white teeth. They both were tall, maybe the same height, and had big smiles on their faces. I tried to avoid eye contact with them.
I noticed the guy was looking at me. I bit my lips and tried to look as far away as I could, but that didn’t forbid me from noticing any less his eyes constantly staring at me. Sarah introduced us to one another; the guy’s name was Daniel, the girl’s name was Michka. I said my name in a very low voice, smiling, but it didn’t hide my nervousness.
Daniel bowed at me. “We have the same eye color!” he said with a huge smile.
I instantly blushed without possessing any control to stop it.
“It’s impossible,” I said shyly.
“Yeah?” He put his face right next to mine and asked the girls for their opinion.
“Totally the same,” Michka said, laughing. Sarah seconded Michka’s comment.
“I told you,” Daniel said, pleased. “I could recognize these rare ones from the top of the hill. Where are you from?”
“Paris,” Sarah said. She wasn’t correct, but I didn’t feel like explaining origins so I resigned to her answer.
I noticed this everlasting smile on Daniel and Michka’s faces. I couldn’t recall the last time I had this beautiful expression over mine. Over the last five years my body had picked up a depressing language. But looking into their faces made me smile from the inside; I liked the peace that their faces expressed.
When we got back Elionora was waiting for me near the residence. She called to me and hugged me so hard my eyes welled up with tears.
“You resemble your mother so much,” she said.
I looked into her eyes and longed to hear what she knew about Mom. What was it like to be her friend, and what did she used to tell her? Did she ever mention me? I swallowed the need to cry. My throat felt like it had a little cactus stuck in it. I did my best to blink away any tears in my eyes.
“How did you…” I breathed in and turned toward Sarah. She suddenly excused herself and started walking away. “How did you know her?” I asked Elionora.
“We lived together one year here at Colorado. I stayed here while she married Lucas and went to live with him in Paris.” She smiled at me with sad eyes.
Mom never said she was in Colorado before. Dad never mentioned it either. I wondered if it was here that they met.
“How about we dine together, little Kelly?” She tried to get my attention away from all the questions that suddenly started jamming into my mind.
Calling me this sounded better than my name. “That sounds like a good idea.”
We went to a nearby restaurant called Angels. I took notice of the name and ignored it immediately. The restaurant was one of the oldest restaurants in Denver. We didn’t talk much about anything important, our subjects ranging from Colorado weather to the first day of classes on Monday. I found it a little hard keeping up with her Italian accent, although her gestures made things easier to understand. I waited for her to tell me something about Mom, but she didn’t tackle that subject. I knew there were going to be other times so I didn’t speak about Mom either.
The afternoon drifted quickly into a dark night. The sky was full of bright and baby stars. In the students’ residence there was a basketball court in the back of the building. Sarah had showed me the way before she went to shower. I sat on the stairs in the dark section watching a few boys play. I was starting to feel tranquil, finally alone, until…
“Hello.” The sound of a guy’s voice came from behind my back.
I looked above my shoulder and saw a boy smiling down at me. He was sitting two stairs above mine and came closer to me as I looked at him.
“Hi,” I replied shortly.
“I’m Jack.” Vapor came out of his mouth as he spoke. It was very cold at night.
“Cassandra.”
“Ah, you’re the new French girl, right?”
“Only new,” I corrected him.
“You’re staying here at the students’ residence?”
“Yeah, girls’ side, rooming with Sarah.”
“Ah, Sarah from New Jersey?” His facial features looked pleased and his eyes absorbed light as he spoke about her.
“I’m not sure.” I pulled my jacket tighter to myself. “I think maybe of different origins.”
“Yeah, you’d think that. She stayed with her wealthy parents in Europe for a very long time. Four years ago she came here alone and took this room as her new home. It’s nice she let you room with her. She doesn’t do that usually.”
He seemed very happy with what Sarah had done, as if she had accomplished something she had trouble doing before. It gave me both a pleasant feeling and a weird one too. It was me she decided to room with, which meant that I helped her with her accomplishment; at the same time, she didn’t know me before she agreed to room with me, which meant that she was ready in the first place and I had nothing to do with it. I wondered what her story was, but I couldn’t ask anyone for such details. I kept silent hoping he would say more. He didn’t.
I walked back to the room. On the way I noticed the lobby had way more people than it could accommodate. Friends of residents had come along to spend the evening time together. There wasn’t a face I recognized from those Sarah had introduced me to today. I tried to attract the least attention possible as I crossed the room toward the stairs.
The building had three floors only, the lobby along with the cafeteria, the first, and the se
cond. My room was at the end of the corridor on the second, the calmest place in the block. The guys’ section was in an adjacent building with blue bricks and beige walls. Our block had red bricks and brown walls, an exact architectural replica of the guys’ residence. The basketball and tennis courts were common areas for both sections. Elionora had said there was a library belonging to the students’ residence, but I didn’t locate it anywhere that day.
When I reached our room, I noticed I wasn’t carrying the room key. I must have forgotten it inside. I knocked on the door shyly but there was no answer. I placed my ear on the door and heard the shower running. I knew I had to wait for Sarah to finish before she let me in. There were four other rooms in the same level, and I worried that someone might come out and see me standing weirdly by the door. I decided to go back to the court and wait for her there.
As I came down Jack was still in the same spot. He appeared colder than when I had left him.
“You’re back quickly.”
“I forgot my key inside.” I sighed heavily. “Sarah is showering.”
“It’s cold here; I wouldn’t advise you to stay out for long.” His body shook as if fighting the cold.
I cringed. What reason should I give him for not wanting to wait indoors?
“The lobby is crowded,” I said in a low voice.
“Ah, so you’re like me. You hate the crowd. Bet you’re the type that waits for everyone to sleep before you finally have a rest.” He laughed. “Next year I’ll find a calmer place for myself. I’d advise you and Sarah to do the same.”
“You’re in the boys’ section?”
“Yeah, on the second floor east side, always the best view.”
We sat quietly watching the boys play; one by one, they started leaving the court. Jack told me that Sarah must have finished showering. I realized he had been looking upwards at our bedroom window. I said that I’d rather wait a little rather than make it between the crowds twice more. He laughed mockingly then apologized and smiled.
“You know you can always take the back door. No one really uses it except for the cooks.” He looked up at the girls’ building. “But anyways, the light is on in your room. Sarah must have definitely finished her shower.”
“Oh, thank you.”
During my walk back to the room I tried to catch the least attention I could, although I had more eyes staring at me than the first time. I kept my eyes straight on the path, trying not to bump into anyone. I think someone tried to call me from behind, but I decided not to look back; it was important to concentrate on reaching the room with the least interaction. Just before I knocked, Sarah opened the door, startling both of us. It took a few seconds before we started laughing.
“I realized you forgot your key here and thought you’d be waiting outside the door. I didn’t think you would be standing near the door like a zombie.”
“I wasn’t, I just came. I waited for you to finish in the court.” We continued laughing.
“You must be freezing; you could use a hot shower,” Sarah said.
After my shower we spent an hour chatting until it became hard to keep my eyes open. Sarah never asked me anything about my mother although I could tell she wanted to. Finally we agreed it was time to sleep.
I didn’t like the darkness, so I looked for a nightlight that was near my bed. I thought of asking Sarah if she minded keeping the door open between our rooms, but the thought lasted only a few seconds and I saved myself from the humiliation of sounding like a five-year-old kid. I crawled in bed but my anxiety suddenly interfered with my need to sleep. I turned on my laptop and looked for emails instead. I had one email from Clara, my close friend. The email was long but had a very attractive subject: “I have news about Robert.” I knew though that reading the email might keep me from sleeping all night. Finally I closed the laptop and decided to go through it tomorrow.
Beside my bed was the green apple on the shelf. Somewhere in my deep confusion I apologized for hurting it, and then I surrendered to sleep. The sound of the singing night insects beyond the walls kept waking me up every few hours; each time I wasn’t sure exactly where I was. Sometimes I even dreamt that the insects found a way into the room through wall cracks. I woke up shortly after dawn, relieved to see the light of day again. The sound of the birds was the only thing louder than the singing insects of the night.
Chapter 2
past dilemma
i was awakened by the sound of my heartbeats, a sudden surge of overwhelming anxiety and fear. I forced myself out of bed, noticing a sharp pain in my knees. It felt like I didn’t rest a bit all night. I was a little proud to have made it all alone through the night. It made me feel like I’d grown up and those childish fears that had grown up with me and carried my childhood phase into my twenties somehow were weakened. I opened the curtains and the window, scaring away a small bird that was dancing under the shade of the bricks. A cold breeze sneaked in through the window, forcing me to rush back to bed.
I knew I wasn’t going to convince my body to sleep any further now and quickly felt attracted to the laptop I had left hibernating on the lower side of the bed.
Cassandra,
I don’t think I’ve experienced such emptiness in my life before. We grew up together, and there is not a thing we didn’t do together. Life was not easy on you as you lost your mother and your aunt, whom you loved very much, in a crazy car accident. It wasn’t even their fault when a stupid man hit them off the cliff on their way back that night. You were too young; I remember how scared you were and shocked. During the same year our favorite teacher committed suicide, and two years later your grandmother died after she became too weak from grieving her daughter’s loss.
I know for a fact that nothing hurt you as much as losing your cousin in that restaurant fire, because by that time you were older and you understood deeper the meaning of death. It’s not easy to lose half your family in four years without feeling the urge to run away from this one haunted place, but I’m worried for you. I’m worried because during the last eight months you couldn’t care any less for your own safety. You scared the hell out of me when you started walking on the edge of that bridge calmly; I thought for a second you were not normal. Like you had lost your mind and gone crazy. You started smoking not because you like it, and we both know that, but because you knew it wasn’t good for you. You graduated high school with almost no attendance for two months, and you didn’t register for university afterwards. Your life virtually stopped two years ago!
Now I’m glad you traveled to Colorado to continue your education, although you left Paris without even telling me. I know what you’re going through so I’m not very upset with that, but your dad asked me just this afternoon after you took off to help him collect all your academic books from the previous years to donate them for students. I accidentally found one of your notes where you wrote: “Better be away from all beloved, love no one and not be loved, so that when a loss occurs no one is hurt.” Baby, you cannot be serious! You know that no matter where you go you will develop sentimental attachment to people. This is normal, we are humans, and no matter where you go losses will occur eventually. This is life! I think you had bad luck to have so many losses within a short time, but it won’t always be like this. Of course, I cannot promise you otherwise, but I think for some time things should be okay.
There is not a place where immortality exists, and I hope you’re not planning to disappear. Just so you know, I took that note with me. If your dad had seen it, it would have been his next worry.
I really hope you are seeing someone for help. If not, I will need to follow you.
Oh, by the way, I don’t have any news about Robert, but I knew the subject would attract your attention and make you read all the way through.
You better reply before I’m actually in Colorado!
Your worried friend,
Clara
I closed the laptop with irritation. I didn’t need a summary of my life that first morning i
n Colorado. What I really needed was to forget. I didn’t worry about not replying; Clara and I had forever been friends, and nothing was going to change that. I would send a reply later that evening.
I thought I’d disappear a little during the morning by taking a walk in nature. I jotted a note for Sarah saying that I was going out on my own, signed “do not worry if you’re the type that does.”
I wore my most comfortable shoes and filled my backpack with whatever I was probably going to need for the day: yesterday’s half-empty water bottle, my mobile phone, a sweatshirt, and the keys for the room. I tiptoed my way out into the corridor and all the way until I reached the main door of the building. It was locked by key. Instantly I remembered the back door that Jack had told me about. It was locked too but the key was placed in it. I opened it gently and found my way out.
The sunlight made everything beautiful. The mountains’ edges glowed a pinkish hue, and so did the sky around them. The grass in the backyard was misty, slightly frosty too. The first hours of dawn resembled a child that had just stopped crying whose tears remained on his face. I walked for about an hour toward a huge space of trees and grass where I bowed in the center. I touched the misty grass with my palm, rested my face on the greenery, and hugged the ground. I didn’t want to go anywhere else; I didn’t want anyone to walk up and ruin the serenity of the sunrise.
Soon the sunlight started getting stronger, its warm rays penetrating my clothes. The warmer I got the easier it became to fall asleep again. I didn’t worry about mountain lions or bears or even snakes. I didn’t want to think of insects or bugs; I wanted to believe there was a kind of protection around me, like I was sleeping in a bullet-proof glass box, totally safe from any harm. I felt I could close my eyes safely.
Different Minds Page 2