I knew that everything I wrote to her was eventually going to reach Dad. Finally I decided that the less I explained the safer it was. A little note would make her worry less, and therefore Dad too.
Clara,
I am fine really. Today was nothing serious; I’m okay. I hadn’t the time to reply to your email this morning. There was a beautiful sunrise from behind the mountains; I wish you could’ve seen it.
You know I didn’t want to leave Paris without talking to you, but for me saying goodbye is no longer an easy thing. I like to think that I have nothing to lose, like there is no time passing and I don’t need to hurry in fear of wasting it.
I met Elionora; she used to be Mom’s old friend. I didn’t ask her much about that yet. It’s like she’s Dad’s eyes when he is not here. She is very nice but very worried too. I hate worry and worried people. I would like to liberate myself from worry; I would like to let my thoughts carry themselves to anywhere that’s safe and musical.
By the way it’s good here, Clara. Everyone looks older than me and way taller. People are nice in general, except for one Eric I met today. But I don’t think he is angrier than I am about life, only I don’t think he is angry for a serious reason. It seems as if it’s his natural attitude toward anyone. At least that’s what I heard.
It’s late now here and it’s not easy to sleep with all the insect sounds at night. Trust me, I’m better than in old times. Would you please not worry?
Do something for me; tell Dad that I’m fine and happy here. It’s the truth.
Cassandra
I started feeling anxious, a usual feeling that gets to me at night just before I sleep. I hugged myself, closed my eyes for a second. I suddenly heard the voices—sometimes sleep calls my name. I opened my eyes in fear and reminded myself that it was purely my imagination. Every attempt to sleep afterwards brought more scary voices screaming. I didn’t have the power to block my ears. Finally I gathered enough strength to awaken myself and sat on the edge of my bed observing the green apple. It had turned a little more brownish on the bite side. I watched the apple until finally my body was ready to give up to any voice as long as sleeping was a consequence of it.
Chapter 3
ambition
some people dream of fancy lives and seek opportunities to reach higher standards of living; they have the world on their side as they go chasing after their dreams. Some people are too hopeless to dream, so they make wishes. They wish things were different, better! The worst kind of hopelessness is when it’s not something that can be changed, it’s not something that can be worked on, targeted, and reached. However, when no one on earth owns the means of a change, it’s then that they call on God.
To me, setting a lifetime goal meant having a good state of mind and body to actually want something from life. All I’ve ever wanted was to sleep, deeply and peacefully. But closing my eyes has never been safe; I’ve always been surrounded by the demons of a phenomenon called “sleep paralysis.” Soaked in hallucinations and fear, I carried a dreadful feeling throughout the day and became hell-scared of sleeping again. What was missing was the need to stretch out in my own body and relax, and have myself believe that my dreaming boat would not capsize and no power could touch me.
“So what do you really want, Cassandra?” Sarah said while spreading honey on a piece of toast. “What is your dream?”
“Um, I haven’t thought about that.” I knew she was going to persist on her question, so I asked immediately afterwards, “What is yours?”
“Love of course.” She smiled in a question form.
“No, I don’t know about love.”
“What’s to know about it? It’s a total mystery.” She bit the toast; some of the honey fell onto her sweatshirt. “Damn it. Hey, honey’s a perfect explanation of love. See, I told you.”
“What’s the point of dreaming?” I said. “At some point you become ambitious, and suddenly when you do it too much they call you a dreamer. Just to stay realistic, my dream for today at least is a cup of coffee to help me wake up a little.” My palm throbbed due to the stitches.
“Did you sleep at all last night?” Sarah asked.
I shook my head. “Not really.”
University didn’t seem like a whole different concept from high school. It only meant getting more specific in what we really wanted to major in. One thing I was sure about was that I hated everything that had to do with business, hospitals, math, literature, or psychology. That just about covered the bulk of all majors offered, so I finally picked environmental sciences. I had no idea what I wanted to become, especially since I didn’t know what every major meant and where it would take me in the future. I didn’t have the intention at this instant to think of anything further than this week, and I sure wasn’t going to figure out anything about the future when I didn’t know if I was even going to live that far. Anyhow, environmental sciences included the study of nature and the world we live in, so it didn’t seem like a bad thing. They offered four elective courses for the whole major—which didn’t even mean one elective course for every semester! I picked one of them anyways, drawing. It was a good place for me to disappear in.
Students looked like they were ready to start taking life on a serious level, so boys let their facial hair grow longer and girls wore high heels. A few like me didn’t change a bit, but we were the ones that didn’t attract any attention. I had the habit of walking with my hands in my sweatshirt pockets. I felt ashamed of my hands; they were too boyish. But at least I wasn’t the only one with this habit. In fact almost everyone did the same exact thing except for the girls who wore red nail polish and intended to show it.
Between the first two classes I met again with Daniel and Michka. Neither of them looked like they needed to make any effort with their physical appearance. They were naturally beautiful and in love, I thought. They looked athletic, well fit, and healthy. They offered to show me around, and we came into the university sports fields, which I didn’t know existed. Michka recommended that I join her for swimming courses, and I promised to try one with her before registering. I knew this meant confessing that I didn’t know how to swim, and it was embarrassing to start a friendship with the things I didn’t know how to do. It was even more embarrassing as they noticed the bandage on my hand and asked me what had happened. I lied that it was an old injury I brought with me from Paris, and said they just didn’t notice it yesterday when we first met.
There was no break-time like at high school, but there was an hour when no courses were offered by the university except for a few elective courses that nobody was enrolled in anyways. During this period everyone gathered either in the cafeteria or outside under the sun. On the first day though, during that free hour, there was a fight in the cafeteria. One student was shouting loudly and criticizing the food. He slammed his fist on the counter and shouted insults. The crowd acted weirdly, as if everyone was afraid of him. No one dared react to his temper; rather they tried to calm him down by holding him and pulling him away from the counter. I thought their reaction was odd. As he turned around I was shocked to realize the guy was actually Eric from yesterday.
While the shouting was going on, Michka and Daniel proposed to go outside to meet with Sarah. They pulled me out quickly, as if they wanted to avoid being around Eric’s shouting too. I wasn’t sure if they were scared of him or if they just didn’t like the scene and preferred to be away. I thought their way of carrying me outside was a little exaggerated and peculiar.
I wasn’t very comfortable for the rest of the day. Suddenly it was like the whole idea of university now included the existence of Eric. I would have preferred it if he never crossed my path again. The aggression and rudeness he presented made me almost want to disappear from this world. I couldn’t forget how loud and angry he was to me yesterday—and I didn’t even ask him for help. He had rushed into saving me like a very handsome hero and then yelled at me as if I made him jump into the cold lake.
I spent the n
ext class trying to convince myself that yesterday’s incident did not necessarily mean that Eric was going to tell anyone about it. It worried me to think that people were going to mock me about not knowing how to swim and what an idiot I was to have jumped into the lake without thinking that I was going to drown. I tried to calm myself, thinking that this was no longer high school, and people should be more grownup and mature. But Eric did not show any signs of maturity. I turned toward the window and stared outside a little until I found the correct way of thinking to calm myself. To be on the safe side, I would hide from Eric until he forgot my face and then just let him think I was a new student at the university. Or maybe I would just keep hiding—that sounded even safer.
I had only three classes on Monday; the same went for Wednesday and Friday. On Tuesday and Thursday I was registered for another two classes, but the sessions were for one hour and thirty minutes instead of forty-five minutes. I had one more class today before I was able to leave the university and one free hour in between classes. I started thinking of the best place to spend an invisible hour where a guy like Eric would never visit, so I asked Sarah to show me the location of the library.
When I thought of the library, I never imagined a place bigger than the university cafeteria, so this was definitely a surprise to me. It was a five-story building packed with books. The top two floors were made of separated glass rooms and tables for the purpose of study groups. Sarah hated the library but I liked it very much because it was so quiet. I didn’t have anything to study yet, but I pretended to be interested in some book in order to waste time in this place. I couldn’t ignore Sarah’s nagging to leave, but I tried to prolong our stay as much as I could.
On the other hand, Elionora was happy to see us at the library. She said that it was the first time Sarah had visited it since she came to Colorado. Sarah didn’t much like her comments and became even more irritated, as if she didn’t support the idea of being there. Elionora’s encouragements somehow just grated on Sarah’s nerves. Just before we left, and after assuring Elionora about ten times that my hand was fine, I gathered enough courage to ask her if she wanted to dine with me. She agreed joyfully. Sarah seemed a little jealous. She started throwing looks in a circular manner, but I couldn’t ask her to join us because I intended to speak with Elionora about Mom.
The rest of the day went very normally, only it grew chillier the closer we came to evening. My last class was about global warming, the reasons and the consequences. I made a huge effort not to fall asleep—one time in vain though, as I do recall an instance where my eyes shut. At the end of the class I waited for everyone to leave before I decided to move. I bet I looked like a sneaking cat while heading toward the student residence room. I needed to make sure I wasn’t going to bump into Eric’s angry face again. I didn’t want him to recognize me or yell at me with the whole university watching. Should that ever happen, I would leave Colorado for good. I came to this far distant place to find better means of becoming invisible; it appeared that Eric had the habit of screaming at people, and now the chances of my becoming so awfully popular (for the wrong reasons) were pretty high.
I checked the way to the outer gate; it was clear and safe. I let my hair down on my face and took a quick walk toward the outer side of the campus. I was almost there, my heart beating fast. When I finally reached the streets, my panic dropped to controllable levels. I was terribly scared though when some car horn blared from behind me. I looked in shock. It was Jack and Sarah.
“Do you need a ride?” Sarah said, laughing.
“Hop in.” Jack was trying to stop himself from laughing too. Obviously my scared attitude had amused them.
I smiled at them. “I’m fine, almost there.”
“Well, too bad, you’re missing out on a very exceptional ride,” Jack said, looking at Sarah. Sarah smiled at his expression. It was an old car he was driving; of course I didn’t remember the kind and wasn’t interested in such matters.
“I think I’ll pass,” I said.
“Okay, so meet you at the lounge,” Sarah said. “Don’t run away!”
During dinner, Jack told Sarah about how we met two days ago. They laughed at me constantly. They joked that I could have climbed onto the balcony to enter the room instead of taking the main door. Jack had done it before; one time Sarah overslept and was going to miss her flight if it wasn’t for Jack climbing and entering from her bedroom window. I wondered how he was able to do that knowing that our shared room was on the second floor. It was actually pretty high.
The next few days passed much the same, only I wasn’t very used to studying anymore. I had kept myself away from Eric’s path and avoided being anywhere around him. Thursday he was angry again during a football game in which he was playing. Four guys on the team jumped over him to calm him down as he was shouting at the coach. Friday I saw him take off quickly in his car at noon, but he didn’t seem angry, rather worried like he was late for something.
I waited for the weekend patiently, looking forward to disappearing again. On Saturday a group of students had arranged a camping trip to the Rocky Mountains which they talked about all week long, and of course I decided to pass. A mocking voice in my head worried me about ending up in the same tent as Eric. It was the last trip they were going to make this year because it was getting colder and winter was starting just next week. Having made my decision as such, Sarah did the same. I knew she wanted to go on that trip with Jack, but she didn’t want me to hang around on my own again.
Jack was so disappointed that he even talked to me about it. I knew I had to find a way to put Sarah on that camping trip, so I volunteered to spend the weekend in the library helping Elionora arrange books. It was the one place Sarah could not support staying at, and the only way to convince her not to stay with me. As long as I was with Elionora, Sarah’s shift in watching me was pointless. Jack’s dull face grew suddenly inspired. Friday evening he helped her pack her equipment into a large heavy backpack. I watched them giggle and joke—including a few jokes about me having my kind of fun in the library.
Saturday at six Sarah was already gone along with half the girls of our residence. I woke up again at eight and did some cleaning to the room. I rearranged all my clothes in the same perfect manner as I had the first day. Sarah’s room on the other hand was a terrible mess. I had to be at the library at ten-thirty and it was already nine-thirty, so I volunteered to make my roommate happy. It barely took me thirty minutes to arrange her clothes and go through the main cleanup. Finally I grabbed a cheese sandwich and walked to the library. On my way I started calculating time and thinking that if I was able to leave by three, I could take another tour on my own in nature that afternoon, maybe even watch the sunset from the roof of the residence.
When I reached the library Elionora wasn’t there yet. I waited for her for ten minutes on the first floor. She arrived with a big smile on her face, her blue eyes filled with light and happiness.
“Good morning.” She removed her jacket neatly and placed it on the desk. “You are early.”
I smiled and followed her silently. She didn’t take the elevator of course, and we needed to go up all five levels by stairs. By the time we were on the last floor my legs were really hurting and I was hardly able to catch my breath. Elionora was not tired at all, even through talking and explaining about the divisions of the library and the hidden sites where students usually left the books. I could hardly speak so I nodded my head signifying that I understood.
What I needed to do was very basic: collect as many books as the cart could hold and carry them to the first floor. There the lady at the counter desk was going to pass every one of them under the bar reader and tell me on which shelf I was supposed to put them in an alphabetical order. This of course meant going up the five floors as many times as needed. There were so many books here and there on every floor, some on the tables, in the divided glass rooms, under the tables, even thrown in the garbage.
By noon I was almost done w
ith all the books. Elionora and I were going to have lunch at a restaurant across the street. I asked her to go before me as I was going to double check that I hadn’t forgotten any books. By the time I was checking there were a few other books left on the tables, but these were new from today’s visitors, so I thought I would do the rest after lunch. There was just one particular room I hadn’t been into today; it was on the fourth floor at the end side of the library. It had brick walls instead of glass.
I opened the door, pushing it inside. The room was empty, with not a single book left on the tables. The room was like a classroom for elementary school; it had a board and small chairs and tables for teaching little children. No books was good news. While closing the door though I thought I saw a book somewhere. I reopened the door and looked around; there it was at the long closet, just on top of it near the end of the board, almost hidden. I approached with interest, stood on a chair, and tried to reach it, but the book was slightly higher. I could see the last word of the title on the lower edge: “sleeping.” I suddenly became very interested in getting that book and looking into it. I looked around to see if there was anything I could use for help, and there was a pencil left on one of the tables. I brought it quickly and placed it underneath the book’s lower edge; the book slid smoothly into my hand.
It wasn’t very old but it looked like it due to someone’s underlining and circling words and phrases in it. The book’s title was Long Sleeping. Something I definitely needed. I had no time to examine it any closer, so I placed it in my backpack and left immediately for lunch, intending to register my borrowing it once I was back from lunch. I hurried to the restaurant Elionora had told me about, feeling a little excited to look into the book once I was back.
Different Minds Page 4