The class now had different students than those of last week. Some had dropped the course and others joined it. I looked for Eric and was relieved he wasn’t among the new ones that joined; only then did I take off my hoodie and sunglasses.
Talking about Eric was a common thing on campus. Even the guys spoke about him like he was their motivation. What did they really see in him? He was beautiful but nothing more than that. He had failed all his courses for two years with not a single exception, and he was rude and ignorant. Nevertheless, even the guys he fought with liked him; they became more popular no matter what their interaction with him was. I felt absolutely crazy being the only one who didn’t feel this way about him.
It was only during class that the subject changed to something other than what Eric did and how he looked and what he wore. Even after class they resumed the same topic. I walked along with the girls toward the outer garden. We had two hours until the next class, so they decided to stretch out in the sun and wait. I looked at my reflection in the window glass and was relieved that I didn’t look like me. Even Sarah was looking at me in a funny way every now and then. They picked a nice sunny spot on the green hill facing the theater. We threw ourselves on the ground in a moment of silence.
“What do you think of him?” the blonde girl asked. I was surprised that she had addressed her question to me.
“Him?” I intended to buy myself some time in order to think of how I should respond.
“Eric!” she emphasized.
“Um, I don’t know Eric,” I said with a coolness I almost believed myself. All three girls laughed at my statement.
“You’ll eventually get there,” said Sarah.
But of course the world had to join all its forces and bring a coincidence to prove me a liar. Only two minutes after that conversation, Eric appeared from nowhere behind us and stood right in front of me, blocking my sunlight and looking down at me. There is no feeling in the world like the one I had as he stood before me. I knew that whatever it was I had to take it, and so I prepared myself with defensive thoughts and explanations. He seemed calm though; it didn’t look like he was preparing to shout or make a scene. I relaxed a little.
“Did you…”—he looked at the girls around me—”need that book?” he said calmly and respectfully. The moment he finished his sentence he glanced again at the girls around me, as if he minded them hearing what he had to say to me.
Just before I responded I looked at the girls. They were all gazing up at him with admiring eyes. He was so very beautiful, and the sunlight behind him had lit his brownish hair with gold flecks. He couldn’t have been more perfect.
“No?” I responded, but it sounded more like a question due to my nervousness.
“All right.” He stared across the open space. I kind of envied him. Only a person with no difficulties in life was able to stare across the distance and give himself a moment of mind relaxation. I tried so much to find this peace that normal people have in them, but I was never able to find it. What could he have been thinking about while gazing at the far distance? A few seconds later he was jogging away, toward where I had no idea. I followed him with my eyes until he disappeared. It took the girls a few moments to look back at me with question marks.
“That’s Eric,” Sarah said, pointing in the direction where he had disappeared.
“Well, who is he?” I asked in an attempt to confuse them.
“He seems to know you,” the blonde girl said.
“Um, he must have me confused with someone else.” I blinked, realizing that I had pushed my fingernails into my palms. I bit my lips with too much agitation. “I don’t know which book he’s talking about.”
“Yeah, it looked like it,” the blonde said. “If I were you though I would have kept pretending to be whoever that girl was.” She laughed.
“You’re sure you don’t know him?” Sarah asked.
“I don’t know anyone here, Sarah, apart from you.” I picked up a book and started scanning it.
“It’s a little confusing though. You know, you could have asked him which book he’s talking about. Most girls here are dying just to have a conversation with him.” She looked in the direction where Eric had disappeared as though she were relaying her thoughts to him.
“Yeah, anyways, he couldn’t have had any interest in you,” the blonde girl said. “You’re not his type.”
As soon as she finished her sentence, Sarah gave her a push on the shoulder. “What are you talking about?” she said angrily.
I didn’t think she was wrong. I couldn’t be his type and I couldn’t be his friend either. In fact I didn’t know if he had any friends at all. I’d never seen him with someone chatting decently; he was alone most of the time.
“Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. I mean not even I am, or you, Sarah.” She tried to sound polite. “He is into wealthy girls only.”
I couldn’t stop thinking of Eric for the rest of the day, but at least I wasn’t scared of him anymore. Obviously I wasn’t his kind of target to humiliate. I finally took off my hoodie and sunglasses and started walking normally. It wasn’t long before some girls that looked like me came to ask me if it was true that Eric talked to me. I shook my head, denying everything of course, and walked away each time.
The last class on Monday was drawing. When I entered class the teacher was already explaining about shading and the direction of the light. I was a little surprised because he had started earlier than usual. It wasn’t even time for class to begin. Anyways it didn’t matter because it was an elective course, and usually we stayed way longer than the normal time of class to continue our drawings silently.
The professor ended his speech the same way he did every time: “But then again, what is most important is that you draw whatever is in your heart, no matter how good or bad it is.”
I was reciting this last sentence with the teacher when Eric came into the classroom and spotted me sitting near the window. He instantly changed his direction of sight, going toward his seat at the back of the classroom. It was hard not to notice the students chatting the moment he stepped in. I turned to the window, looking at the tree leaves and distracting myself as if it made no difference to me whether he was there or not. Of course, I only pretended that.
“So,” the teacher said loudly to regain the class’s attention. “I want you to draw whatever represents life to you. As a first class, there are no rules. Just follow your hearts. But do remember that this one drawing will remain with you till end of the semester, and you will make amendments to it until then. At that time you will have your first masterpiece.”
The teacher sounded motivating, but I started tapping my pencil on the table like Robert used to do, hoping it would give me some ideas for the drawing, or at least take my mind away from the late attendee. I liked to think that Eric was looking at me, and nervously I dropped the pencil on the floor, thus finding a good opportunity to bend down and steal one quick glance at him. I changed my mind a few times before I actually decided not to; I was afraid he might actually be looking at me. Instead I fixed my eyes on the girl at the desk next to mine while still being able to see with the edge of my eye what Eric was doing. He wasn’t looking at me; instead he was busy deciding on a crayon among the options lying on his desk.
I went back to my drawing; it was a big white paper, totally empty. I had five different crayon colors: blue, green, yellow, red, and brown. Aside were pieces of coal and a pencil. A little farther on the desk sat a box of paint that I was sure never to touch since I was so bad at using liquid colors. I had no idea what I wanted to draw; everything that represented life to me was dead. A crazy thought occurred to me to draw dead bodies underground, but I knew everyone in class would be paranoid and horribly scared of me. I could imagine Elionora sitting with me and discussing what drove me to draw something like that, assigning a psychologist to talk with me.
I gazed around the classroom looking for alternative ideas; what could represent life for a normal per
son with a normal life? I had no clue. I tried to see what others were drawing, but it was too early to understand what exactly it was that their drawings were going to be. I looked outside the classroom windows again and watched the wind move so beautifully through the trees. The trees… the tree of life! It hit me just like that, although it didn’t actually mean life to me, but it is called so in the story of Adam and Eve. Great idea!
I held the charcoal piece and drew a line, starting with the trunk of the tree. Only a few minutes later the class became very calm except for the sound of crayons against the papers. I rubbed the coal with the edges of my fingers, made the shading look even better. Bit by bit the drawing took shape until the forty-five minutes were over. Students picked up their belongings and started walking out of class. I stood up and placed my drawing in a rigid plastic folder. I looked aside and saw Eric; he was still busy with his painting, obviously not planning to leave the class just yet. I wondered what he was drawing. He appeared unaware of anything around him other than his masterpiece. I put my hoodie and sunglasses on as I walked out of class to make him believe that I didn’t wear them to hide from him; rather it was my style. I tried to walk with my back straight and my chest high, but he never looked at me anyways. I felt stupid. What was I doing? I couldn’t be suddenly interested in Eric. He was an insolent idiot and I hated him. Reminding myself of that just made me feel better. I didn’t need his attention.
On my way to the student premises, I thought of passing by the library and entering the room with the book to see if Eric had left it in the same place. Now I was more daring, knowing that he wouldn’t attack me. Upon my arrival I looked behind me just to make sure he wasn’t coming to the library, in case he had changed his mind. I went up the stairs quickly to the second floor and almost ran toward the room. The moment I opened the door I got surprised by a group of little kids in the room and a teacher who was explaining a lesson on the board. I apologized as everyone looked at me, and just before I closed the door I glanced at the upper side of the closet where the book was placed the first time. It was in the same exact place. I knew I had no chance to take it now, but I also knew I was going to seek another chance later when Eric was not around. I closed the door calmly and left the library, running as I left the huge building behind in case Eric was coming this way. After all, he knew that I knew the hiding place of his secret book.
The rest of the day faded slowly as I thought of Eric’s unusually nice attitude toward me. He was dreadfully attractive. I couldn’t forget the way the girls were looking at him without distraction as he talked to me. It made me feel extremely special that for once the most famous guy on campus was being nice to me. It was even more special that he was being nice only to me. I couldn’t possibly like him; just earlier today I couldn’t stand the thought of him recognizing me. I didn’t like the idea of me liking another person who didn’t know I existed, although, strangely, I was a little noticed this time. He had come to me; he had recognized me, even underneath my hoodie and sunglasses. I think maybe he was even searching for me. He couldn’t have found me otherwise.
Feeling a little confused, I went back to my favorite thought of Robert. I searched in my memory for a time when I actually interacted with him. He was a few years older than me, but we had some elective classes in common back at school. I remembered this one time we were standing in line in the cafeteria; I had dropped my juice box and he bent down and got it for me. He blinked in some sort of a smile, his eyes full of life. I had always been in love with his thick, long eyelashes. His dark hair and eyebrows were equally attractive, and of the same dark color. I’d never seen someone as beautiful as Robert, as calm and smart and confident. Well, speaking of confidence, Eric was. And although he hadn’t passed any class within the last two years, I had a feeling it was not a question of smartness but rather that maybe he didn’t care to graduate. It was like he was trapped somewhere in his existence where succeeding didn’t matter anymore.
But Robert was different. Robert had a mature understanding of life; this was evident by his quiet and calm attitude. He had his future planned even when he said he didn’t know what was coming after graduation. He never failed a class or was late submitting an application. I always admired his love of life, something I deeply lacked. It was like he had a special meaning to life; he enjoyed its every circumstance, no matter whether good or bad.
Most of Robert’s happy moments of course were shared with his girlfriend; all until she broke up with him. Everyone said she was crazy because she was too young when she got engaged to someone else and ran away with him. I’d never seen her because she wasn’t in our school, but I bet she was very beautiful to have attracted Robert.
Nevertheless, during graduation his speech was full of hope despite the sadness he was going through after her breakup with him. His speech was printed in the school newspaper, and I had memorized it. “Life has its special ways to teach us what truly matters to us. Every step in the darkness lights a bulb in the dark path of our future. No matter how blind we are now, hope does bring a sort of motivation that should shine a light on whatever we dream to reach. We are born from a family that we did not choose; we might attend a specific school that we may not like, but that far place lit by the sun of our dreams is definitely our choice.”
At evening the guys of the neighboring residence started a bonfire three minutes away from our backyard. They built a circle of small rocks to forbid the fire from spreading out, and the girls prepared buckets of water just in case things went out of control. Sarah and I sat on the edge of her bedroom window watching the preparations. Sarah was not going to join them because the Robert she liked was there in the company of the Asian girl, and Jack was not coming because he had caught a cold during the mountain trip. Way more people had gathered than what the student residences accommodated for both the male and female buildings, so that meant there were invitees. I decided to stay in the room with Sarah because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t like the idea of being seen alone while everyone knew everyone else. Of course, I also didn’t want Eric to see me all by myself, not that it was obligatory that he was going to be present, but maybe someone had invited him along with everyone else.
I got myself and Sarah some hot tea as we prepared ourselves for bedtime chatting. We had our pajamas on as we sat on the edge of her bedroom window watching the fire from a close distance. Red embers flew up in the air across the darkness, some slowly, some quicker. The sky was divided into two spheres; one was a complete darkness and the other was a dark blue. The cold was so unbearable that at some point we decided to close the window and peek through the vapor of our breathing dew on the glass. I didn’t care what was really going on there; I cared more just to stare at the fire even if from afar. It had caught my eyes so terribly that sometimes it was hard to look elsewhere. My mind froze on the dancing image of the red flames rising up.
I didn’t have much to say, but Sarah spoke about almost everyone on the campus, what they cared for and what their background was. She also had a lot to say about Robert and his bad choice in ladies. I wanted to ask about Eric because his character was really strange to me, but I was afraid this might open her eyes to my interest in him. Then I would become just like everyone else, an Eric idiot admirer, and that wasn’t true.
“Do you think we should check on Jack?” she asked without showing much concern.
“It’s just a cold. Is it bad?”
“A little I guess.” She smiled as if it was only a duty for her to check on him.
“So…what about Jack?” I mumbled.
“Do you like him?” “Do I like him? Let’s see where your sudden interest in the matters of love comes from,” she said, laughing.
I blushed. “I’m just asking because I think he really likes you.” “That’s funny. How did you notice that?”
“I just feel it.” I thought a little before I decided to ask the following. “So do you like him or do you not?”
“I’m not sure.�
�� She paused. “What do you think of him?”
“Umm…”
“I don’t feel a connection with him. You know, it’s like I have to make an effort to actually understand his language of love.” She paused again. “What do you think of him?”
“Did he say anything to you?” I preferred to be the one who was asking the questions.
“No. He’s too scared to talk about it. It’s like he’s scared of being rejected so he prefers to stay in the friendship zone.”
I wondered if she really wanted him to overpass his friendship approach and open up to her. “Do you want him to pursue you?”
“Only if his style of relationship is different from his style of friendship, like he’d talk less and cuddle more.”
“Oh my God.” I laughed at her description.
“What?”
“Why don’t you shut him up and kiss him?” I joked.
“I thought of doing that during the mountain trip, but he was always three steps away from me.”
“Take them,” I encouraged.
“I’m not sure that’s how things should happen. Usually it should go the other way around,” she said with disappointment.
Of course what do I know about love matters? I wasn’t the correct one to give her any advice since I never took a step toward any guy; therefore I couldn’t possibly even guess what any guy’s reaction would be.
I raised one eyebrow and sighed. “You know, I don’t know how things should be. I mean, I guess there are no rules. Sometimes people are too afraid to open a door, but they may be surprised that the other side could be pretty amazed when they actually open it.”
Her facial expressions turned from thoughtfulness to sleepiness. Silently she slid herself under her bedcover. I stood up and walked toward my room.
Different Minds Page 6