Chapter 9
memories
the night was restless. Sometimes I woke up feeling as if the bed was sinking, and I started screaming. Donna ran toward me and held me throughout the night as I slept again. Eric became more attentive, checking my breathing every once in a while. In the morning their faces looked like they had seen ghosts. Clearly neither of them had any rest.
Breakfast was ready on the table. Donna helped me while I had a few bites. The more I thought of Dad and Sam, the more I stressed out about leaving this place. Eric postponed our outing for another day as the physical therapist and I tried to move my feet. Donna left around noon and Chester took her place beside me. Eric took Donna home; they were going to come back around nightfall.
Chester was a little weird. He was silent most of the time and looked like the type that doesn’t fear anything at all. He was a skinny, bald, tall man with blue eyes. I sat in my bed as he sat silent on the sofa. When the therapist arrived, he stood up immediately and walked alongside the woman toward me.
“Well, good afternoon, Juliette,” she said kindly.
I was surprised to learn that my true name was Juliette. I didn’t like it; I preferred Julie.
“Hello,” I said politely.
“I am your second physical therapist. My name is Adriana.”
“And I am here to help,” said Chester.
“I can’t move my legs,” I complained.
“Well, you are lucky because you have the most professional people to help you.” She sat beside me where usually Eric did. “Nothing is impossible as you know.”
“You cannot imagine how much I believe in that,” I said sarcastically. “Even you wouldn’t believe it as much as I do.”
“Well, I do. It makes us a great team.”
I laughed ironically.
“All right then, let’s do it!” Chester encouraged.
She started massaging my feet and moving them in a circular motion as if I were riding a bike. After a few hours of therapy I was really tired of concentrating and felt like sleeping until…Eric came in.
“Chester is really proud of you.” He walked in slowly, stopped in the middle of the room, and continued toward me. He had a red rose in his hand that he placed in between his teeth as he approached me with a smile. I tried not to laugh.
“I’m proud too!” he said as he placed the rose on my bed.
“You promised an outing.” I touched the flower with one finger.
He laughed, showing again his too perfect teeth. “Well, how do we measure improvement if it’s only the start?”
“You said today!”
“Statistics are not made in one day.”
I searched with my eyes for a counter arbitration while I pulled the rose toward me. Its perfume was strong even without bringing it close to my nose. Maybe there was a story about roses that Eric and Juliette shared, but I didn’t dare to ask.
“Thank you, it’s beautiful,” I said, and he smiled.
I looked out the window; it was around sunset. The sky was splashed with pink and orange and purple.
“Eric, umm…what happened to the girl who donated my brain, I mean brain tissue?” I quickly corrected.
“What do you mean?” He sounded uncomfortable.
“What happened to her family?”
“I think they were proud of her. It was a heroic decision she had made.”
“But she probably didn’t believe she was really going to die.” I said what I believed to be the truth.
“Well, no one really thinks of it seriously I guess. It’s like we know it’s going to happen, but we always tend to believe it’s not anytime soon no matter how old we get, as if we are immortals.”
“And how is that heroic?”
“Accepting death of course! Becoming a donor is a form of…willing to die.” He paused for a while. “But why do we need to think of that right now? You should be thinking of the way out of here.”
“You mean I should be thinking of your lies,” I corrected.
He laughed as his green eyes tightened again, flashing from beneath his golden eyelashes.
“You know, I like how you’ve become,” he said softly.
I blinked a few times, trying to hide my shyness.
“I…,” he said in a voice that told me he was about to fall into tears. “I…couldn’t…”
As he pressed on his teeth I hoped he was not going to be angry again. He turned his back and walked toward the window, his fist in a punching position.
“Never mind.” His shoulders heaved up and down as he breathed heavily.
“I was able to feel both my legs today.” I tried to change the mood that had taken over the room. I was still Cassandra and didn’t know how to react to emotions. He remained by the window. “You know, I was even able to move my toes.”
“Show me!” He whirled around with a forced smile and tears in his eyes.
“Well, that depends on if I’m getting the mirror today.”
“I would have, but Donna took it with her.”
I could sense that he didn’t want me to look at myself just yet because of the swollen parts of my face and head.
“You could carry me to the bathroom. I’m sure I’m not heavy for you,” I teased.
“What about the IV?”
“Are you really worried about it?” I encouraged.
He pulled me toward his chest, easily holding me like a little child. He moved slowly and carefully as I carried the plasma needle and he carried me into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror with an even bigger shock. I was a beautiful girl! My smile was gorgeous; my teeth were as perfect as his. He was looking at the mirror too, and as our eyes met he turned his face toward me. I could feel his breathing getting heavier as I turned toward him. He closed his eyes and swallowed, frowning.
“So…umm, what do you see?” he asked.
“Just a person. I can’t seem to remember my features.”
“It’s weird, but it makes me happy that you remember only me.”
I was nervous as I remembered how awkward and impossible the situation was, so I decided to pretend that I remembered something else.
“I don’t really know you, Eric. I mean…I feel familiar toward you but can’t really remember anything about you more than this familiarity. I remembered something else though today.”
“What is it?” he asked, still holding me tight.
“I’m not sure…I think I remember a dog,” I lied, but I was sure Juliette must have seen a dog at least once in her life.
“Ha! You remember Luna?” he said joyfully. Even better, I thought; Luna must have been a dog. Great, the trick worked.
“Not the name.” I tried to sound confused.
“Oh, that’s sweet.” He smiled gorgeously. “Donna’s going to love the news.”
He started back toward the bed slowly.
“Luna,” I repeated in order to memorize the name.
The next few weeks passed very slowly. I was exercising daily with the two physical therapists and Chester. Sometimes even several times per day. Chester tried to sound motivating despite his serious character. He kept reminding me that I was his daughter and that we were fighters in the Johnson family. That’s when I discovered Juliette’s family name.
Eric tried to be supportive through the therapy as well. He kept promising an outing, but the rules changed with every improvement I made. Now the only condition became that I actually walk. I didn’t see how I would need his help to sneak out if I was able to walk myself, but deep inside I appreciated his attempts of encouragement. Many nights I woke up finding Eric just watching me. Often I’d wake up at night thinking I was falling into dark water, and I’d start screaming. Eric would cradle me in his arms and remind me that it was just a dream. Sometimes I felt bad that he had no rest. One night I asked him to go home, told him that I wanted to spend the evening with Donna. She was thrilled that I had asked for her. Her dark sad eyes broke my heart every time she looked at
me. I told her that I was feeling healthier every day, but she only nodded calmly. It made me wonder if she knew that I wasn’t her daughter; it scared me a little.
The first time I saw a smile on Donna’s face was when I made the first few steps on my own. I was finally able to walk freely in the room. That first day I walked, Chester opened bottles of champagne in the hospital. I realized that Chester and Eric were on good terms; their relationship was more like that of a son and father. As awkward as that was, there were even weirder things I discovered. Eric’s parents gave him to his aunt and traveled away to Africa. His aunt Amy raised him, but she was so young she looked like his sister rather than an aunt.
Just after Dr. James announced that I could go home, I asked to talk to him privately. He wore a permanent smile as if reminding himself every second of the accomplishment he had achieved through me.
“What is it, Juliette?”
“I’d like to know what exactly you have done to me.” I tried to sound like I was seeking educational information.
“I did explain, but I guess you weren’t very concentrated.” He picked up a piece of paper and started drawing what represented my head and brain. “The bleeding had damaged this little section of the brain. During surgery, we realized that brain tissue was not enough to repair the damage, so we conducted a partial brain transplant right here.” He drew a circle on the part he talked about.
“Partial brain transplant?” I almost screamed.
“Yes, but this part is related to speech and memories. Luckily you were able to maintain the talking skills; however it’s not a big loss in the world of science that you can’t remember anything. In fact it was expected. But it’s quite a miracle that you recognized Eric; this is a surprise not only to me but to many scientists as well.”
“How did you take the risk? What if I became another person?”
“There stands the chance of course; the bigger risk was that you die. In 1982, a Dr. Carl Anderson and I, in New York, successfully transplanted partial brain in mice. Of course the procedure with you took much longer and a bigger team to accomplish it. There might be times when you feel weird, or have memories that may belong to you or not, but what are these details in respect of the great discovery that we have reached today?”
“Can you even think of anything aside from the world of science? Look at the gravity of the situation in terms of human torture. What if something bad happened?”
“Juliette, nothing in life comes without a price or a risk. Do not panic because everything will be all right! You will come back for checkups twice a month. We have assigned a psychologist to help you regain your memory and get accustomed to your new life.”
“I’m not convinced.” I started walking toward the door.
“Call me if you feel anything unusual.”
Soon Julie’s family car had arrived, a beige Jaguar. The house was maybe fifteen minutes away from the hospital, a large brown structure surrounded by an impressive stone wall. The wrought-iron gate required special coding to open it. I watched silently as I sat between Donna and Eric. By the time we reached the house I heard the sound of a dog barking. The bark was so familiar although I had never had any serious contact with dogs in my life before. A golden retriever-husky mix ran toward Eric, but as soon as it spotted me it changed its direction and leaped on me, making me fall on the ground as it licked my face and hands. Donna hurried to help me out as she pulled the dog away. “Luna remembers you.” She grinned.
“Well of course!” Chester added. “Dogs have great memory.”
“So this is Luna?” I caressed her face. The touch of Luna’s face was so pleasant, a familiar feeling that personally confused me. I tried to stand to take a good look at her; she was a total beauty!
“Do you recognize her?” asked Eric with a smile as he kneeled near me.
“Just the touch is nice; it’s unexplainable.” I blinked in happiness as he laughed.
I walked with the help of Eric into the house. Naked flames roared in the fireplace, but as I came closer I realized it was surrounded by glass. The house was very elegant and neat, obviously involving a woman’s touch.
“Simmi, bring a blanket to Julie please,” she called to the housekeeper. “Chester, close the window to preserve the warmth.”
Luna stayed beside my feet as I sat on the sofa, her husky eyes watching me constantly.
“She was a gift from Eric three years ago,” Amy said.
Amy was a beautiful woman, her hair long and well arranged. Her nails were perfectly manicured an elegant gray-pinkish color. She was wearing a fur jacket and tight jeans. She looked like a Hollywood star that enjoyed a calm life of her own.
“She’s very beautiful.” I smiled.
“She is well trained too.” She moved near me and whispered, “I taught her to bark at anyone if they bother you. The secret word is ‘danger.’”
“Nice!”
“You may try it on Eric if you like,” she said as we laughed together.
“I see the ladies are teaming up against us, Chester.” Eric grinned, dropping his head. “Hmm…I don’t like it.”
“Why am I left out of it then?” Donna had just walked into the room holding a green blanket.
“We’ll update you,” Amy responded.
Donna folded the green blanket around my shoulders and lifted my feet over a stiff pillow.
“It’s okay, Donna,” I said. It burned my heart every time I looked at her facial expressions contaminated with sorrow. “Thank you!”
“Eric, you should not let this teaming up against us persist.” Chester laughed.
“Real men do not team up against their ladies,” Eric answered while looking into my eyes seductively.
“But…we may bribe them.” Chester started walking toward Amy. “Do you think there’s a way you can find out what my wife really wants?”
Everyone laughed except Donna. She barely smiled and walked to the window. She closed the last window that Chester had forgotten.
Once I was alone in my room, I took advantage of the mirrors to get introduced to Julie’s physical appearance. I crawled toward the long mirror that was placed in the walk-in closet, slowly peeking at her face. Now that she didn’t look so sick anymore, Julie was even more beautiful. Her lips were full; her eyebrows were thick and dark. That white skin was somehow a little pale, but her cheeks were oval and appealing. I touched what I was obliged to now call my face; the skin was soft and lovely. For about an hour I sat on a wooden chair facing the mirror until I began to feel dangerously narcissistic. I decided a couple of times to crawl my way back to bed, of course vainly, until there was a knock on the door.
“Here you are!” Donna smiled sadly, a perfect contradicting expression that could only fit one situation; I had no idea what it was.
I smiled back, hoping to comfort her.
“It will take time, but you’ll remember bit by bit. It’s great what we have accomplished so far.” She caressed my long dark brown hair backwards. “When you were young, you used to ask me to tie your hair in about twenty bundles. The ties had to be red while your hair was like seven inches long. It looked like you had the world’s fountains over your head.”
I laughed. “Like electrified you mean?”
“A little, yes.” The sadness in her eyes never disappeared even as she laughed.
I reached for her hand over my shoulder and smiled deeper.
“You should rest a little,” she proposed.
“Yes.” I stood up with her help and walked toward the bed. “Thank you, Donna.”
She looked at me with a little bit of surprise, making me wonder if maybe Julie wasn’t too kind to her mother.
Everything seemed like a dream in this house. I had so many déjà-vu moments, but I was bothered by the confusion that overtook me. Worst of all was that I felt like I didn’t deserve all this, that I was taking over another girl’s life and family. Even her handsome boyfriend wasn’t mine. He somehow kept his distance from me; I
didn’t understand much about their kind of relationship. But mostly…I thought of Robert. I remembered how when the circumstances were different and I was about to die, I wished for a chance to live so I could actually do whatever it took to be closer to him. Now, thinking of Robert just gave me feelings of guilt.
My most profound sadness came as I thought of Dad. I needed to find a way to talk to him. Should I tell him what happened? No, I didn’t think his mind could assimilate all these nightmarish incidents. But I had to find a way to reach him. I even felt like I needed Clara at this time more than any other. Maybe I should tell her about this whole mess. I just needed to tell someone about this maze that had taken over my life, or more correctly Julie’s life.
On a Saturday evening as Eric, Luna, and I sat by the fire in the salon, I had the most horrible shocking moment as I recalled a clear memory that didn’t belong to me. It was Eric and me embracing near the same fire. I choked on my own breathing.
“Julie! What’s the matter?” Eric said.
I put my hand on his beautiful face, pushing him away from me as a feeling of guilt spread through me for taking over Julie’s life.
“Eric, stay away from me,” I whispered, and he stared at me in utter confusion.
“Why?” he asked as he tried to read me.
I pulled my hand back, covering my eyes, and dug harder to recapture the memory. It was clearer, we were embracing passionately.
“It’s just a headache, just…I feel like I need space.”
He pulled back into his original seat. For a few seconds, I could read signs of worry over his face; I tried to travel across his silent thoughts. Was he so discreet about our relationship because he knew who I was? I resigned into a few moments of calmness.
“I just remembered something,” I said as he remained motionless. “It was us, right here…embracing.”
Instantly a smile appeared over his face and signs of worry disappeared. He pushed the iced tea from the edge to the center of the table. He approached me smoothly, speaking low. “It was you who kissed me...first.”
Different Minds Page 12