Eric walked me to class. He was concerned about who sat next to me the last time and whether they bothered me. He asked me to watch out for a few guys and girls whose names I didn’t recall. I just told him that I wasn’t socializing yet but when I was ready I would ask him about everyone. So far everyone was being nice to me, and apparently he wasn’t so comfortable with that.
It was a minute until the teacher came to class; Eric left instantly, leaving an empty seat beside me. Ryan jumped in and filled it quickly.
“Hi,” he said, smiling.
I smiled back but kept my eyes on the teacher. I was glad she had her eyes on us; he became quiet as soon as she started talking.
“So tomorrow is drop and add day. You may drop this course if you don’t like it, or don’t like me, whichever it is.” A few students started laughing.
“I won’t,” Ryan said to me. “Will you?”
“No, I don’t think so,” I said while still looking at the teacher.
“As you know, it’s also late registration day,” she continued. “So if you know anyone who needs the class this semester, you can send the message that tomorrow they can apply. It’s not too late.” She picked up an agenda from the desk and looked at it. “However, if none of you drops the course there will not be any places for the late appliers. So quickly hate me and give your seat to someone else, or just tolerate me and actually learn something.”
It appeared to me that the teacher was bored of teaching and had picked a joking style to bring humor into her life. It was written all over her face, the years she must have spent in teaching generations.
“My name is Miss Sue.” She wrote her name on the board. “And today we are starting with the first chapter in general accounting.”
We opened the books; the first page of the chapter was divided into paragraphs of very tiny words. I was glad there were no numbers. I started scanning the lines as she read loudly.
As the teacher was distracted with the reading, I quickly texted Sarah about the nail polish emergency. She agreed to help and asked me to use the bathroom the moment I reached dance class. I waited for the class to get over; the lesson seemed less complicated than what I thought it was going to be. Miss Sue had created a good experience in teaching throughout the years and made the subject sound easy. I was happy as I left the class. Eric stood waiting for me by the door.
“Hard?” He reached for my books.
“Not really.”
“The next one will be the same,” he encouraged.
“I hope. How was yours?”
“Well, I took the course a few times before. I didn’t really pay attention.” He laughed.
“I thought you were ready to start studying.” I tried to negotiate.
“I really don’t need to. I already know all the material.” He slid the hood of my pink jacket over my head to cover me from the cold as we walked into the outer area.
There was no time to pass by the cafeteria this time. The walk was a little far and I didn’t want to be late. Luke joined of course, pretending to be a part of the group. Luckily, Elionora was late and so I found the perfect time to escape to the bathroom. Sarah had three pink colors that she had managed to buy from somewhere; one of them was a perfect match. We waited a little until it dried before we went out. Luke and Eric were waiting inside the class by the corner.
“What took you so long?” Eric asked in a jealous tone.
“Women,” Luke said sarcastically, and I laughed. It was actually nice to hear someone refer to me as a woman. I wasn’t a child anymore, and I wasn’t a geek or a weirdo.
“This is Sarah,” I said, turning toward Sarah. “That’s Luke and Eric.”
“Hi.” Luke jumped in first to shake her hand. It appeared to please her.
Eric kept his eyes on me. I think he recognized her from the time she bumped herself into me.
“I met Sarah yesterday at the library,” I explained.
Eric just nodded silently. He focused on getting out of his jacket and helped me with mine. I wondered what thoughts had silenced him so suddenly. There was something he carried behind his mysterious calmness, and I was dead curious to know what it was.
“I want to see partners,” Elionora came in saying. “If anyone is left alone you come and tell me, and I will find someone to partner with you.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen.” Luke took Sarah’s hand and led her into the same spot from the previous class.
The music was a horrible tango; we had to learn how to move together where our steps were equal in measure. We had to look into each other’s eyes and read one another. There was no better situation to force my eyes into Eric’s and his into mine. There was one move where I embarrassed the whole concept of tango. Eric had to carry me from one side to the other smoothly; it wasn’t a hard move, and I should have kept my body straight while landing on my feet. Instead, I leaned during the move and landed on my knees. It was horrible. I think if I was in Cassandra’s body I would have died of humiliation. However, being Julie covered the whole embarrassment part because classmates just explained the wrong move and tried to help me out. It did spare me the crying at night.
“It’s all right.” Eric took me by the waist. “Would you like to try again?”
No! I said to myself. “Yes” came out spontaneously. What was wrong with me?
He offered his hand and I took it. He pushed a bit where I made a slight turn into his arms, and there he lifted me. I kept my back straight, my legs stretched… and it went just fine, I landed on my feet. I was glad I didn’t embarrass myself again, but even the success of the second trial didn’t eliminate the embarrassment I carried over my red cheeks.
“That’s how I remember you.” His eyes reflected all the light that was on the dance floor.
“How?” We almost breathed the same air because of how close we were to each other.
“Determined.” He smiled.
I was trembling by now; it was too scary for me to grab that much attention and not have to react to people’s kindness or clapping.
“Are you okay?” He seemed to have noticed my shaking.
“Yeah.” I tried to catch my breath
Luckily, the lesson didn’t last much afterwards. Elionora seemed very sad. It appeared as if something huge was on her mind. She didn’t comment on the moves but rather just demonstrated and waited for us to finish imitating. While leaving, I saw Sarah talking to Elionora, and then I thought I saw Elionora cry, but I couldn’t be sure. I couldn’t just leave as if nothing had happened; Elionora was the sweetest person I had met since my arrival in Colorado. I felt a horrible misery as I left the class accompanied by Eric and Luke. Halfway to the campus, the part of me that had my consciousness still alive dominated everything else.
“Eric, I will follow you later.”
“Oh, are you sure?”
“Yeah, I’d like to talk to Sarah.” I raised a cheek for his kiss.
“All right, I’ll reserve a seat for you in drawing class.”
I walked back to dancing class. Upon my arrival, Elionora was in indescribable shock as she saw my face. I panicked that Sarah might have told her I wasn’t Julie but was Cassandra instead. There was no turning back now; my hands were sweaty as I opened the glass door.
“Sarah!” I tried to understand before I said more than I should.
“I’m sorry, Cassandra, but it was the only way to stop her suffering,” Sarah said.
“Oh no.” I suddenly felt as if the world got bigger and I got smaller. I felt dizzy, speechless, and scared.
Elionora stood with tears in her eyes. She started walking slowly toward me until she was very close. She went down on her knees.
“It cannot be true.” Tears fell down her face to the floor. “Tell me.”
“Umm…I…” I tried to utter anything.
She took my hands with her cold hands. “Say something…”
“How are Dad and Sam?” I couldn’t forbid my own tears from fal
ling too.
“Lucas is very sad. Sam doesn’t know.” She cried as she said this.
“It’s easier socializing while being Julie; Cassandra is bad at making acquaintances.” I exhaled. “It’s easier now; everybody just wants to talk to me.”
Elionora started crying hysterically now. Sarah tried to calm her down.
“I’m all right now, I’m just tired.”
“You should rest,” Sarah said while helping Elionora stand up.
“No, you should tell me everything. I want to understand.” She made gestures with her hands as she spoke.
“Elionora, no one should know this,” I said. “I’m afraid they will think that I’m stealing Julie’s life. They might kill me, you understand?”
“No, they don’t have this right. You were still alive when they took all your organs.” She started crying again. “I screamed at them that they had no right, but they didn’t listen to me.”
“I know, Sarah told me. But right now it’s hard because I have some memories of Julie’s and it’s scary for me. I need your help.”
“What do you mean you have Julie’s memories?” Sarah asked with a scared look.
“Some places seem familiar, voices and faces too.” I started walking around the room and telling details. Sarah watched me and panicked; she walked in circles like me and said things I didn’t understand.
“But you are Cassandra?” She looked for assurance, her eyes pleading for a specific answer.
I wasn’t sure who I was. I could play the piano with Julie’s memory; I recalled things that only she had experienced. I had her body and face, even her life and boyfriend. I liked garlic now and sometimes forgot I didn’t like it before. Was I truly Cassandra? Or was I a combination of both? I lingered in the same spot reviewing the new life I was leading. Could I be Julie with Cassandra’s memories?
“But this is normal.” Elionora stood up and walked to a chair in the middle of the room. She sat down and started massaging her forehead while closing her eyes. “You have the brain of Julie; only one small part is yours, the one related to identity. Is this not correct?”
“Yes.” I walked toward her.
“It is normal. You will feel what Julie feels and act like her. You will have her nature and behavior, but you will have your memories. Sometimes when something is very much for Julie you might remember it because it is responsible for the situation Julie was living. So you will like her activities, you will like her boyfriend and hate the people she hates. Who you are is the identity your brain transmits to you, however skilled and trained to live in a certain manner without actually going through the effort of learning these skills,” she said slowly.
“Yeah, I can play the piano…like a professional,” I said, and Elionora looked at me with wide-open eyes, a sort of fright and astonishment.
“So she is Julie with Cassandra’s memories?” Sarah asked. I couldn’t eliminate the horrible fear I felt as I heard that. I didn’t want to think I was Julie; I couldn’t accept the fact that I was dead.
“It cannot be,” I objected. “I know I’m Cassandra because I feel toward people what I used to feel when I was Cassandra. I like Sarah and I remember her the same way—same for you, Elionora. I miss Lucas because he is my dad, but I also know how he used to feel toward me. I think it is better that he doesn’t know the truth.”
“What do you mean?” Elionora asked.
“I remind him of Mom,” I said sadly.
“Yes, he told me this, but he loves you very much.” She stood up.
“It’s not fair to tell him the truth. You know, Elionora, that Dad cannot go through all that again. It will be too much for him to handle.”
“Yes, but it’s better than thinking you are dead,” she said with her Italian accent.
“He already mourned and…what if I’m not Cassandra? Do you think he will be able to accept another shock?”
“But this is ridiculous. You know who you are.”
“I have doubts. Last night I played the piano so professionally. Cassandra doesn’t play like this. You know very well, Elionora, that Cassandra doesn’t play an instrument; Cassandra doesn’t even dance.”
“That is normal. Like I said, you have Julie’s nature. You will have her skills, but you are Cassandra.”
“I don’t want to risk the possibilities that the opposite might be true and then…I will have to apologize to him and tell him again that Cassandra died. Let me try to figure this thing out first.” I sat on the chair that Elionora had abandoned. “Dad is proud of me now.”
“He always has been.”
“Not like now. The world is congratulating him; he has more people in his life than he ever had. I feel happy for him. I don’t want to take that away from him.”
“I’m sure he would be glad to replace all that with your existence again. Stop being stupid!” she screamed.
“Look at me; do you really think it will be that easy on him?” I stressed.
“He will feel better,” she corrected.
“We’ll see in a while if he is doing well.” I held Elionora’s hands. “Elionora, I want you to be happy, because no matter what happened I feel good right now. I know you are afraid for Dad, but I swear to you, although my heart broke to see him in more misery, he looked way happier than the times he stared at me hopelessly.”
She nodded in tears.
“I must go now; between Eric’s classes we usually meet.” I headed for the door.
“I will come with you,” Sarah volunteered.
“No, it’s better to take Elionora somewhere for a rest,” I proposed.
“No, go, go. I am fine. I’m not very sad anymore,” she said through her tears.
“I think it’s better to relax, Elionora,” said Sarah.
“I will take the rest of the day off.” She smiled sadly. “By the way, you are beautiful.”
“I know.” I winked at her, and they laughed.
“Even when you were Cassandra, stupid,” she added, but I knew she said that only to be nice.
When I reached drawing class, I was late. The teacher didn’t comment on my late arrival, and Eric was already there. He had reserved a seat for me next to him. I sat quietly and stared at the white sheet for a while. Eric smiled at me.
“Say it.” I leaned toward him.
“No.” He smiled wider.
“What is it?”
“Nothing.”
I peeked at his drawing; it was the start of a beautiful green landscape. So far he used only the colors green and blue.
“What are you drawing?” I asked.
“Don’t look yet.” He turned his desk toward the other side.
“Why not?”
“I want to surprise you.”
“But I can see it’s green.” I leaned toward the drawing again, but he pulled it away quickly.
“I told you don’t look.”
“Is green your favorite color?” I really wanted to know. “Why green?”
“Because it represents new life. No matter how strong winter gets, spring always comes behind it.”
“Aren’t the drawings supposed to be about something sad?” I asked.
“Doesn’t matter.” He paused. “Did you notice?”
“Notice what?” I whispered.
“They named the class after Cassandra, the donor.”
“What?” I looked above the board where a sign read Cassandra’s Drawing Class, and my drawing was hanging right underneath it. It actually scared me a little to see that people were acting as if I really died. I didn’t feel so heroic, I didn’t feel so special. In fact I worried that maybe I was really dead. The more I thought of Dad and Sam, the happier I felt about my existence. These memories of my old life were my only compensation.
I managed to get away from drawing class with only two lines of pink and blue on my white sheet. Eric of course was going to drive me home. He drove so slowly; I could feel that he didn’t want to let me go very soon.
“Did
you get to think about tonight’s dinner, just me and you?” He kept his eyes fixed on the road.
“I want to talk to Donna first.” I watched him bite his lower lip.
“Do you need to ask permission?” He made a turn to the right, and I was able to see a bigger part of his face—his expression held stress.
“What? No of course.” I needed to train myself to always act like Julie would. “Why do I feel as if you’re worried about Donna and Chester’s…I mean Mom and Dad’s private time together?”
“I’m not worried.” He forced a smile on his face. “I just think that maybe they would like that.”
“They can always go out together for some private time,” I said, but he kept silent. He bit his lip even more, and it stressed me.
“What if they don’t want you to stay alone?” he managed to say.
I thought maybe he was right, but I didn’t recall Donna telling me that she had any plans with Chester tonight.
“She didn’t tell me that they had any plans for tonight. We can always go out together, but first I’d like to understand if this is what Donna wants.”
“If you insist.” He inhaled.
“Plus I was thinking it’s a beautiful day. I should get started with the snowman.”
“I thought you would be finished with it by now.” He smiled.
“Are you?” I asked spontaneously.
“No. But I can finish it tomorrow.” His face was lit now, and the stress was gone.
We finally reached home. I stepped out of the car slowly, careful not to slip on the way. He opened the car window without saying anything and just watched me with smiling eyes. Luna’s barking came all the way from inside the house; even Eric laughed at the sound of it.
“She knows you’re here,” I said.
“It’s only you she is happy about.”
I shook my head in disagreement. “All right then, I’ll see you in a while I guess.”
“I’ll be waiting for you.” He closed half the window and waited for me until I was inside the house.
I waved to Luna, and she jumped on me licking my face. Her tail was wagging ecstatically, whacking the sides of the door. Donna came from behind the kitchen door.
Different Minds Page 20