by Laurel Greer
His sister reached for his arm and dug her short nails into his skin. “Practice?”
“Lauren’s pregnant.”
Mackenzie’s eyebrows hit the sky. “No.”
He cringed. “Crap. She didn’t want to tell anyone yet.”
She gave him a rib-cracking hug. “This is amazing! Your kid will be so close in age to mine! Cousin buddies. When did this happen? How?”
“When I was in town for the bachelor party. And the usual way.” A smirk sneaked past the solemnity of the day.
“You’re going to be a daddy. Holy jeez.” Her smile faltered. “You must be crapping yourself.”
He lifted a shoulder. “I’m feeling surprisingly calm about fatherhood, but pretty pessimistic about Lauren and me. She...she pushed me away today. Said she loved me too much to ask me to compromise any more than I already have.”
“Sounds familiar,” Mackenzie said grimly.
“Nothing like having your own horse crap flung back in your face.”
A thoughtful hum passed through her closed lips. “You don’t have to stay away.”
“I know. I don’t want to.”
She startled. “You don’t?”
Tavish paused, letting the scent of a nearby honeysuckle bush drift over him. He’d smelled the same fragrance yesterday on their hike, found it calming. Not so, today. If only he could go back twenty-four hours... No. Going backward never helped. He and Lauren needed to move forward. Together. It meant trying something entirely different on his part. For Lauren’s sake, for the baby’s, he’d stick. “I want to stay.”
She nudged him with an elbow. “Have you told her how you feel?”
He bristled. “Yeah. She doesn’t trust me. But a child? It’s all-consuming, Kenz. I can’t imagine wanting to go anywhere.”
“I understand.” Mackenzie’s surprise softened into acceptance and sympathy. “It has a way of superseding everything.”
The thought that had been lurking on the edges of his brain for a couple of weeks made it to his tongue. “So how could Dad have deserted us?”
A frown crossed his sister’s face. “Immaturity. Selfishness. Bad choices. Take your pick.”
“It was his nature.” And Tavish was going to have to fight his own nature. He wouldn’t give in like his father had.
“No, it was his choice. Just like it’s yours. And you seem to be choosing the opposite.”
“I’m trying to. But I’ve acted like him way too many times not to think that I inherited his tendencies.”
She poked him in the chest. “You are not like Dad. He never wanted to be a parent. You do.”
His mouth fell open. “He didn’t want kids?”
Mackenzie served him a look of disbelief. “You thought he had? Why else would he have completely cut ties with us?”
“I’d never thought about it that closely.” A lie. He had. He’d just ignored the answer, hadn’t wanted to admit that his father didn’t want him at all.
Acknowledging it now was no less of a shiv to the gut at thirty than at thirteen. The scenario he’d drawn for himself, of his dad being torn between wanting to be at home and wanting to get away, started to vanish into the ether of his childhood, replaced by the hard reality of complete rejection.
But the pain of analyzing his father’s true feelings was followed by a flash of relief. If he was so different from his father on wanting children, he might be different on raising them, as well. The brick of genetics started to crumble inside him. He put a hand to his lightening chest. His stomach throbbed like he’d taken a gut shot. But it didn’t itch with the need to flee.
Mackenzie stared at him with wide, compassionate eyes. “You’ll be a great dad. And there’s no reason you can’t be with Lauren.”
Oh, to be that confident. Despite the shift in his own perspective, Lauren still stood in their way. “I can work on our trust problems, will stay in town for most of the year. But if she’s still so ruled by fear and can’t believe me, it’ll hurt us over time. She pushed me away today. She said it was because she loved me and couldn’t be what I needed, but I’ve said that way too many times myself to believe it.”
Every time he’d spouted crap like that, it had been because he was afraid of something. Lauren claimed to be afraid of leaving her family. He didn’t buy that anymore. She was afraid of people leaving her. And why wouldn’t she be? Her mom, her grandparents—
Him.
Damn. Well, he’d prove her fears wrong this time. He wiped a hand down his face. His breath, thrashed by his nerves, came out jagged. He’d spent his whole life believing himself to be his father’s replicate. Shifting away from that belief turned his self-image a hundred and eighty degrees. And if the arguments that had convinced him didn’t convince Lauren...
He swore under his breath.
Mackenzie kicked him in the ankle.
“Ow. No one’s in earshot.”
“You’re in a prayer garden. It’s the principle of the thing.” His sister’s voice vibrated and her facial muscles twitched with what looked like pain. She swayed and her hands went to her belly.
He grabbed her around the waist and had to tense his arms to keep her upright. She was slowly becoming deadweight. Her knees must have given out. He shored her up against his side. “What’s wrong?”
She hissed out a breath. “I think I’m having contractions.”
He swore again. This time she didn’t give him trouble over it. “You sure?”
Nodding so hard her whole upper body shook, she squeezed her eyes shut. “Yup. My water just broke.”
Chapter Fifteen
Lauren clutched her dad’s hand and watched him breathe long after he fell asleep again. She knew what he’d been trying to tell her. But even if he and Cadie and Andrew could live without her, the baby couldn’t. Her little sprout—her heart panged at the memory of Tavish using the term—needed stability. Needed not to go through the agony that Lauren had experienced one too many times.
The door opened and Tavish stalled before entering the room, bracing his hand on the frame above his head. Concern stretched his skin tight to his jaw. “I need you, Pixie.”
Her lip wobbled. “You said that. And I’m sorry, I can’t—”
“Shh. That’s not what I meant,” he said, keeping his voice low. “Mackenzie’s gone into labor. She’s been having contractions all day, mistook it for a sore back. And she’s begging for you. She’s really worried about delivering early.”
“Oh, God.” Lauren shot to her feet. Grabbing his hand, she yanked him toward the nearest flight of stairs.
She’d been present for about twenty births—some as an intern, some as an attending—and she’d always found the delivery process sharpened her brain, making every part of the births clear in her mind.
Not so with Mackenzie’s. The lack of official responsibility in the delivery took away the distinct sense of time. The hours blurred. Keeping Mackenzie calm. Keeping Andrew calm. Holding hands. Counting minutes between contractions.
For a first birth, and a premature one at that, Mackenzie’s labor went fast. Intense, sure—she turned the air blue a few times—but no complications.
At three sixteen in the afternoon, Lauren breathed a sigh of relief. Her nephew’s Apgar score was a nine out of ten, his lungs were developed, and aside from being a little small, there were no aftereffects of being born premature.
Her nugget of a nephew nestled against his mama under Andrew’s watchful eye. Holy crap, Lauren was so the third wheel all of a sudden. Well, fourth.
“They’re going to want to move you to a recovery room now, Kenz. I should go,” she said.
Hair lank against her flushed face, Mackenzie sent Lauren an exhausted smile. “Thank you for being here.”
“Thank you for letting me.” She traced a finger down the cheek of her dad’s new na
mesake. “You cooperate for your mama, okay, Teddy?”
She walked around to give Andrew a hug. “Congratulations, Daddy.”
Despite the under-eye circles betraying his need for sleep, her brother still managed to grip her with grizzly bear strength. “I didn’t understand until I saw him, Laur, but wow. I’m going to give my boy the world. Just like Dad did for us.”
Just like Dad. Give my boy the world.
Like every parent should do. She held on to her brother as shame weakened her knees. If she sheltered her child as she’d been doing herself, she’d be depriving the sprout in the worst way. Her brother glowed with devotion after all of fifteen minutes of parenthood. She’d feel the same way about her baby, would travel to Mongolia if it meant making him or her happy. And chances were, with half of Tavish’s chromosomes, the kid would crave adventure.
Straightening, she stepped away from Andrew and took a centering breath. She would have to find a balance between settling and soaring. Doing so would mean a hell of a readjustment between her and the man lying two floors up in a hospital bed. Years of habitual guilt tried to rise, bubbling in her stomach.
Enough. Dad will be fine.
Her instincts didn’t want to believe it, but she’d find a counselor who could give her strategies to deal with her fears. Untying herself from the burdens of her mother’s and grandparents’ deaths wasn’t going to cause her to lose her good memories of them. And her family wasn’t going to desert her if she wasn’t there for them every moment. Her priorities needed to fully shift to creating a well-rounded life with the tiny being she was going to bring into the world, and to the man with whom she wanted to share each moment of parenthood.
Of everything.
“You’ll be a fabulous father,” she told her brother.
“And you’ll be a fabulous mother,” Mackenzie cut in.
Lauren stilled. Knowing smiles stretched both Mackenzie’s and Andrew’s faces. “You knew?”
“Tavish spilled the beans,” Mackenzie explained. “But I got a little busy here, forgot to bring it up.”
“I—Yeah. I’m seven weeks along.”
“Amazing,” Mackenzie said. Her expression went serious. “You’ll be great together.”
Lauren’s stomach tumbled somewhere near the foot pedals of the adjustable bed. “I—Maybe. Instead of fighting for him, I told him to leave. I shouldn’t have,” she said in a rush when Andrew’s eyebrows rose and Mackenzie’s mouth firmed into a line. She took a deep breath. “And if he’s headed for the airport again because of me being an idiot, I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Go find him. Talk to him. You’ll figure it out.” Laying a protective hand on her baby as he started to snuffle against her chest, Mackenzie shot Lauren a look hovering between cautious and hopeful. “Promise you’ll listen to him.”
Her friend’s plea buoyed her. She would do more than listen to Tavish. She’d finally say the right thing.
* * *
Squinting against the bright primary colors of the maternity waiting room, Tavish pressed dial on his phone for the third time. Lauren had disappeared after their nephew had made his way into the world. He thought she’d returned to her dad’s bedside, but nope. Nor was she answering her cell.
He hung up and gritted his teeth. Since when was she the one who took off? She’d started to apologize to him before he’d interrupted her with the news about Mackenzie—had he totally misread the situation? He’d assumed she’d meant I’m sorry, I was wrong. Maybe she’d still meant I’m sorry, I can’t do this. The tendons in his neck tensed.
Where are you? he texted.
Her answer came quickly. I needed some fresh air.
His heart sank. Alone?
No. Come find me.
A picture of water rushing over her feet followed the invitation. Their river spot.
He sprinted for his car and broke a good dozen traffic laws while tearing down the highway to the trail that would lead him to the woman he needed more than the oxygen filling his lungs. By the time he emerged from the path into the clearing, his chest heaved from exertion.
Lauren sat on the log, swaying a little.
He rushed forward and braced his hands at her hips, supporting her slender frame. “Hey, there. Am I going to have to nag you to eat again?”
Settling against his arms, she shook her head. “I had a few energy bars. I’m just tired. Your sister, though. I’ve got nothing on her. What a heroine.”
“You will be, too.”
He straddled the log with her in between his knees. She drew her legs to her chest, leaned into him and hummed happily. Some of his tension seeped from his limbs. She wasn’t proclaiming her undying love, but she definitely wasn’t acting like someone who didn’t want to be with him anymore. “You disappeared on me. I thought you’d gone to visit your dad, but he didn’t have a clue where you were.”
“He was fine. Aunt Georgie was there. And, like I said, I needed the fresh air.”
Desperate that her willingness to leave her father’s bedside meant she’d be willing to address the roots of what tied her so strongly to home, he flattened a palm against her belly. “I have a few things I need to tell you.”
She shook her head. “Me first.”
* * *
Being in Tavish’s arms, soaking up his protection and possession, had to be the best feeling in the world. Loving him had never been the question. And now, she’d finally be able to compromise like he deserved.
Tipping and turning her head, she brushed a kiss along the underside of his jaw. The muscles clenched and released under her lips.
The shadows in his cheeks wavered between a smile and a grimace. God, she needed to erase all that uncertainty from the handsome features she intended to look at for the rest of her life. But where to start? Maybe with the simpler stuff. Ease in slowly.
“I’m starting to feel like a pretty big failure for not knowing what I want to do for a career,” she admitted, letting the words betray the ache in her chest.
He stroked her back. “You’ll find out a way to turn one of your hobbies into a job.”
“I was thinking about how much I loved helping out the Canoe and Kayak Club with their athletic training back when I was in college. Had I not been so freaked of surgery, I would have probably gone into orthopedics. Maybe I can look into going back to school, get some more education and work at the new holistic health center like Cadie...”
“Just focus on finding something you find fulfilling,” he said. “No one will think less of you if you take a few months to decide.”
“I’ll be showing by then. That’ll limit my options.”
Holding her head to his chest with a palm, he stayed silent.
Aching to fill the silence—to prevent her brain from churning itself into butter—she said, “Helping Mackenzie deliver made me think about my pregnancy a lot.”
“I imagine it would,” he murmured. “It’s definitely been on my mind today.”
Speaking of “on my mind...”
“Andrew said you never left the hospital. Even after I told you to go.”
His eyes darkened. “I went for a walk. I wasn’t going to desert you.”
Right. Well. Staring at the water, she took a deep breath. The river faded from evergreen in the center to rusty rock on the edges. It teased the boulders in the middle, bubbling and gurgling in a calming way that completely belied her nerves. “I wanted to come here for a reason. I screwed up the last time we were here. And I need to make it right.”
“Okay...”
After a deep breath, she found her courage. “When I was in the delivery room and saw Andrew holding Teddy like the little guy was one of Mom’s Venetian glass Christmas ornaments—” Taking one of his hands, she toyed with his callused fingers. “And I mean, I’ve seen that infinite-parental-love look before, many t
imes in the delivery room, but this time, it was different. So different. That’ll be me soon. Us. And when Andrew said he’d give his son the world... I want to be that, do that, for our baby. With you.”
A breeze brushed across her skin, threatened to topple the emotional house of cards on which she teetered. She forced her fingers to still and stared at him straight-on. “Ask me. Ask me what you asked me the last time we were here.”
His fingers twisted around hers. “I don’t want to ask that anymore.”
A vise clamped around her chest, turned one notch. “You have to. Please. Believe me. I’ll give the right answer.”
His slow blink, his rapid lip lick, turned the vise once more. “Lauren... I already believe you. It’s all over your face. But I don’t need that answer from you anymore. I don’t need to know you’ll come with me.”
“But...” Disappointment clawed back the hope that had started to fill the cracks in her heart. She swallowed. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“It was.” He slowly caressed her cheek with his palm. “But as much as you’ve changed, so have I. I need to know that if I tell you I intend to stay here—for good, with you, with our baby—that you’ll trust me. That the issue of my job, or my past tendency to get gone, won’t keep coming back. We couldn’t live with that haunting us for the rest of our lives.”
She owed him not to placate, not to give him the knee-jerk Of course I trust you that wanted to rip from her lungs.
“What changed?” she asked.
“The same thing that changed you. I want to give our baby every opportunity possible.” His voice was so low, so gravel-filled and raw, she could barely hear him. Picking up a flat, river-polished stone and rolling it between the flattened fingers of both his hands, he flicked it at the water. It skipped once, twice, three times before sinking. Inhaling deeply, he continued.
“The last time we were here...we’d just made love. You wanted to stay. And all I wanted was to get the hell out—not away from you, or away from our relationship, but out of Sutter Creek.”
She remembered that. His tense jaw, so handsome but so wrecked. His fraught plea. Love me enough to come with me.