Future Wars . . . and Other Punchlines

by Hank Davis

  For an instant Rast was silent, then he went on. “At first we thought ‘Underground factories.’ Well, we did our best to find them and it was no use. And whenever we managed to spot moving missiles, they seemed to be coming from the coast.

  “About this time, some of my officers were trying to convert a bunch of captives to our way of thinking. One of the officers noticed a peculiar thing. Whenever he clinched his argument by saying, ‘Moreover, you are alone in the world; you cannot defeat us alone,’ the captives would all look very serious. Most of them would be very still and attentive, but here and there among them, a few would choke, gag, make sputtering noises, and shake all over. The other soldiers would secretively kick these men, and jab them with their elbows until they were still and attentive. Now, however, the question arose, what did all this mean? The actions were described to Intelligence, who said they meant exactly what they seemed to mean, ‘suppressed mirth.’

  “In other words, whenever we said, ‘You can’t win, you’re alone in the world,’ they wanted to burst out laughing. My officers now varied the technique. They would say, for instance, ‘The U.S.S.R. is our faithful ally.’ Our captives would sputter, gasp, and almost strangle to death. Put this together with their inexhaustible supply of missiles and the thing takes on a sinister look.”

  “You think,” said Bade, “that the U.S.S.R. and other countries are shipping missiles to the U.S. by sea?”

  General Frotch cleared his throat apologetically, “Sir, excuse me. I have something new to add to this. I’ve set submerger planes down along all three of their coasts. Not only are the ports alive with shipping. But some of our men swam into the harbors at night and hid, and either they’re the victims of mass-hypnosis or else those ships are unloading missiles like a fish unloads spawn.”

  Bade looked at Runckel.

  Runckel said dully, “In that case, we have the whole planet to fight. That was what we had to avoid at any cost.”

  This comment produced a visible deterioration of morale. Before this attitude had a chance to set, Bade said forcefully and clearly, “I was never in favor of this attack. And this fortifies my original views. But from a strictly military point of view, I believe we can still win.”

  He went to the map, and speaking to each of the generals in turn, he explained his plan.

  In the three following days, each of the three remaining landing forces set down. The men of each landing force, as expected, became violently ill with the exploding sickness. With the usual course of the sickness known, it proved possible to care for this new horde of patients with nothing worse than extreme inconvenience for the invasion force as a whole.

  The enemy, meanwhile, strengthened his grip around the occupied area, and at the same time cut troop movements within the area to a feeble trickle. Day after day, the enemy missiles fell in an increasingly heavy rain on the road and rail centers. During the height of this bombardment, Bade succeeded in gradually filtering all of Landing Force 3 back to the protection of the ships.

  Rast now reported that the enemy attacks were mounting in force and violence, and requested permission to fall back and contract the defense perimeter.

  Bade replied that help would soon come, and Rast must make only small local withdrawals.

  Landing Forces 7, 8, and 9, cured of the exploding sickness, now took off. Immediately afterward, Landing Force 3 took off.

  Landing Forces 3 and 7, under General Kottek, came down near the base of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, and struck south and west to rip up communications in the rear of the main enemy forces attacking General Rast.

  Landing Force 8 split, its southern section seizing the western curve of Cuba to cut the shipping lanes to the Gulf of Mexico. Its northern sections seized Long Island, to block shipping entering the port of New York, and to subject shipping in the ports of Boston, Philadelphia, Baltimore and Washington to heavy attack from the air.

  Landing Force 9 remained aloft until the enemy’s reaction to General Kottek’s thrust from the rear became evident. This reaction proved to be a quickly improvised simultaneous attack from north and south, to pinch off the flow of supplies from Kottek’s base to the point of his advance. Landing Force 9 now set down, broke the attack of the southern pincer, then struck southeastward to cut road and rail lines supplying the enemy’s northern armies. The overall situation now resembled two large, roughly concentric circles, each very thick in the north, and very thin in the south. A large part of the outer circle, representing the enemy’s forces, was now pressed between the inner circle and the inverted Y of Kottek’s attack from the north.

  A large percentage of the enemy missile-launching sites were now overrun, and Rast for the first time found it possible to switch his troops from place to place without excessive losses. The enemy opened violent attacks in both east and west to relieve the pressure on their trapped armies in the north, and Rast fell back slowly, drawing forces from both these fronts and putting them into the northern battle.

  The outcome hung in a treacherous balance until the enemy’s supplies gave out in the north. This powerful enemy force then collapsed, and Rast swung his weary troops to the south.

  Three weeks after the offensive began, it ended with the fighting withdrawal of the enemy to the east and west. The enemy’s long eastern and southern coasts were now sealed against all but a comparative trickle of supplies from overseas. General Kottek held the upper peninsula of Michigan in a powerful grip. From it he dominated huge enemy industrial regions, and threatened the flank of potential enemy counter-attacks from north or east.

  Within the main occupied region itself, the forceway network and key-tools factories were being set up.

  Runckel was only expressing the thought of nearly the whole invasion army when he walked into the operations room, heaved a sigh of relief and said to Bade, “Well, thank heaven that’s over!”

  Bade heard this and gave a noncommittal growl. He had felt this way himself some time before. During Runckel’s absence, however, certain reports had come to Bade’s desk and left him feeling like a man who goes down a flight of steps in the dark, steps off briskly, and finds there was one more step than he thought.

  “Look at this,” said Bade. Runckel leaned over his shoulder, and together they looked at a report headed, “Enemy Equipment.” Bade passed over several pages of drawings and descriptions devoted to enemy knives, guns, grenades, helmets, canteens, mess equipment and digging tools, then paused at a section marked “Enemy clothing: 1) Normal enemy clothing consists of light two-piece underwear, an inner and an outer foot-covering, and either a light two-piece or light one-piece outer covering for the arms, chest, abdomen and legs. 2) However, capture of the enemy supply trains in the recent northern offensive uncovered the following fantastic variety: a) thick inner and outer hand coverings; b) heavy one-piece undergarment covering legs, arms and body; c) heavy upper outer garment; d) heavy lower outer garment; e) heavy inner foot covering; f) massive outer foot covering; g) additional heavy outer garment; h) extraordinarily heavy outer garment designed to cover entire body with exception of head, hands, and lower legs. In addition, large extra quantities of the heavy cover normally issued to the troops for sleeping purposes were also found. The purpose of all this clothing is difficult to understand. Insofar as the activity of a soldier encased in all these garments would be cut to a minimum, it can only be assumed that all these coverings represent body-shielding against some abnormal condition. The presence of poisonous chemicals in large quantities seems a likely possibility. Yet with the exception of the massive outer foot-covering, these garments are not impermeable.”

  Bade looked at Runckel. “They do have war chemicals?”

  “Of course,” said Runckel, frowning. “But we have protective measures, and our own war chemicals, if trouble starts.”

  Bade nodded thoughtfully, slid the report aside, and picked up one headed, “Medical Report on Enemy Skin Condensation.”

  Runckel shook his head. “I can neve
r understand those. We’ve had a flood of reports like that from various sources. At most, I just initial them and send them back.”

  “Well,” said Bade, “read the summary, at least.”

  “I’ll try,” growled Runckel, and leaned over Bade’s shoulder to read:

  “To summarize these astonishing facts, enemy captives have been observed to form, on the outer layer of their skin, a heavy beading of moisture. This effect is similar to that observed with laboratory devices maintained at depressed temperatures—that is, at reduced degrees of heat. The theory was, therefore, formed that the enemy’s skin is, similarly, maintained at a temperature lower than that of his surroundings. Complex temperature-determining apparatus were set up to test this theory. As a result, this theory was disproved, but an even more astonishing state of affairs was discovered: The enemy’s internal temperature varied very little, regardless of considerable experimental variation of the temperature of his environment.

  “The only possible conclusion was that the enemy’s body contains some built-in mechanism that actually controls the degree of heat and maintains it at a constant level.

  “Now, according to Poff’s widely accepted Principle, no complex bodily mechanism can long maintain itself in the absence of need or exercise. And what is the need for a bodily mechanism that has the function of holding body temperature constant despite wide external fluctuation? What is the need for a defense against something unless the something exists?

  “We are forced to the conclusion that the degree of heat on this planet is subject to variations sufficiently severe as to endanger life. A new examination of what has hitherto been considered to be the enemy’s mythology indicates that, contrary to conditions on our own planet, this planet is subject to remarkable fluctuations of temperature, that alternately rise to a peak, then fall to an incredible low.

  “According to this new theory, our invasion force arrived as the temperature was approaching its maximum. Since then, it has reached and passed its peak, and is now falling. All this has passed unnoticed by us, partly because the maximum here approached the ordinary condition on our home planet. The danger, of course, is that the minimum on this planet would prove insupportable to our form of life.”

  This was followed by a qualifying phrase that further tests would have to be made, and the conclusions could not be considered final.

  Bade looked at Runckel. Runckel snapped, “What do you do with a report like that? I’d tear it up, but why waste strength? It’s easier to throw them in the wastebasket and go on.”

  “Wait a minute,” said Bade. “If this report just happens to be right, then where are we?”

  “Frankly,” said Runckel, “I don’t know or care. ‘Skin condensation.’ These scientists should keep their minds on things that have some chance of being useful. It would help if they’d figure out how to cut down flareback on our subtron guns. Instead they talk about ‘skin condensation.’”

  Bade wrote on the report, “This may turn out to be important. List on no more than two sheets of paper possible defenses against reduced degree of heat. Get it to me as soon as possible. Bade.”

  Bade signaled to a clerk. “Snap a copy of this, send the original out, and bring me the copy.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Now,” said Bade, “we have one more report.”

  “Well, I have to admit,” said Runckel, “that I can’t see that either of these reports were of any value.”

  “Well, read this one, then.”

  Runckel shook his head in disgust, and leaned over. His eyes widened. This paper was headed, “For the Supreme Commander only. Special Report of General Kottek.”

  The report began, “Sir: It is an officer’s duty to state, plainly and without delay, any matter that requires the immediate attention of his superior. I, therefore, must report to you the following unpleasant but incontrovertible facts;

  “1) Since their arrival in this region, my troops have on three recent occasions displayed a strikingly low level of performance. Two simulated night attacks revealed feeble command and exaggerated sluggishness on the part of the troops. A defense exercise carried out at dawn to repulse a simulated amphibious landing was a complete failure; troops and officers alike displayed insufficient energy and initiative to drive the attack home.

  “2) On other occasions, troops and officers have maintained a high, sometimes strikingly high, level of energy and activity.

  “3) No explanation of this variability of performance has been forthcoming from the medical and technical personnel attached to my command. Neither have I any assurance that these fluctuations will not take place in the future.

  “4) It is, therefore, my duty to inform you that I cannot assure the successful performance of my mission. Should the enemy attack with his usual energy during a period of low activity on the part of my troops, the caliber of my resistance will be that of wax against steel. This is no exaggeration, but plain fact.

  “5) This situation requires the immediate attention of the highest military and technical authorities. What is in operation here may be a disease, an enemy nerve gas, or some natural factor unknown to us. Whatever its nature, the effect is highly dangerous.

  “6) A mobile, flexible defense in these circumstances is impossible. A rigid linear defense is worthless. A defense by linked fortifications requires depth. I am, therefore, constructing a deep fortified system in the western section of the region under my control. This is no cure, but a means of minimizing disaster.

  “7) Enemy missile activity since the defeat of their northern armies has been somewhat less than forty percent of that expected.”

  The report ended with Kottek’s distinctive jagged signature. Bade glanced around.

  Runckel’s face was somber. “This is serious,” he said. “When Kottek yells for help, we’ve got trouble. We’ll have to put all our attention on this thing and get it out of the way as fast as we can.”

  Bade nodded, and reached out to take a message from a clerk. He glanced at it and scowled. The message was from Atmospheric Flyer Command. It read:

  “Warning! Tornado sighted and approaching main base!”

  Runckel leaned over to read the message. “What’s this?” he said angrily. “‘Tornado’ is just a myth. Everybody knows that.”

  Bade snapped on the microphone to Aerial Reconnaissance. “What’s this ‘tornado’ warning?” he demanded. “What’s a ‘tornado’?”

  “Sir, a tornado is a whirling severe breeze of destructive character, conjoined with a dark cloud in the shape of a funnel, with the smaller end down.”

  Runckel gave an inarticulate snarl.

  Bade squinted. “This thing is dangerous?”

  “Yes, sir. The natives dig holes in the ground, and jump in when one comes along. A tornado will smash houses and ground-cars to bits, sir.”

  “Listen,” snarled Runckel, “it’s just air, isn’t it?”

  Bade snapped on Landing Site Command. “Get all the men back in the ships,” he ordered. “Turn the dampers to full power.”

  “Holy fangjaw!” Runckel burst out. “Air can’t hurt us. What’s bad about a breeze, anyway?” He seized the Aerial Reconnaissance microphone and snarled. “Stand up, you! What have you been drinking?”

  Bade took Runckel by the arm. “Look there!”

  On the nearest wall screen, a wide black cloud warped across the sky, and stretched down a long arc to the ground. The whole thing grew steadily larger as they watched.

  Bade seized the Landing Site Command microphone. “Can we lift ships?”

  “No, sir. Not without tearing the power and damper networks to pieces.”

  “I see,” said Bade. He looked up.

  The cloud overspread the sky. The screen fell dark. There was a heavy clang, a thundering crash, the ship trembled, tilted, heeled, and slowly, painfully, settled back upright as Bade hung onto the desk and Runckel dove for cover. The sky began to lighten. Bade gripped the microphone and asked what had happened.
He listened blank-faced as, after a moment, the first estimates of the damage came in.

  One of the thousand-foot-long ships had been tipped off its base. In falling, it struck another ship, which also fell, striking a third. The third ship struck a fourth, which fell unhindered and split up the side like a bean pod. The mouth of the tornado’s funnel then ran along the split, and the ship’s inside looked as if it had been cleaned out with a vacuum hose. A few stunned survivors and scattered bits of equipment were clinging here and there. That was all.

  The enemy chose this moment to land his heaviest missile strike in weeks.

  It took the rest of the day, all night, and all the following day to get the damage moderately well cleaned up. Then a belated report came in that Forceway Station 1 had been subjected to a bombardment of desks, chairs, communications equipment, and odd bolts and nuts that had riddled the installation from one end to the other and set completion date back four weeks.

  An intensive search now located most of the missing equipment and personnel—strewn over forty miles of territory.

  “It was,” said Runckel weakly, “only air, that’s all.”

  “Yes,” said Bade grimly. He looked up from a scientific report on the tornado. “A whirlpool is only water. Whirling water. Apparently this planet has traveling whirlpools of air.”

  Runckel groaned, then a sudden thought seemed to hit him. He reached into his wastebasket, fished around, and drew out a crumpled ball of paper. He smoothed it out, read for a while, then growled, “Scientific reports. Here’s some kind of report that came in right in the middle of a battle. According to this thing, the native name for the place where we’ve set down is ‘Cyclone Alley.’ Is there some importance in knowing a thing like that?”

  Bade felt severe prickling sensations across his back and neck. “‘Cyclone,’” he said, “Where did I hear that before? Give me that paper.”