“I’m so sorry! I thought it was off,” I swore.
“Turn it off now, please,” my mom requested mildly, spooning more salad onto her plate. I nodded and reached for my phone. I glanced at the screen, purely by habit, and then stopped. I couldn’t breathe. “Feather, what is it?”
I looked at my family, both of them staring at me with concern. I tried to take a breath and swallowed.
“It’s from Jake. They found Carli. She’s dead.”
Chapter 9
The Real Story
I didn’t want to get up the next morning. I had barely slept. All I could think about was Carli — and how they had found her dead.
I knew her. I had heard her laugh and seen her kiss her boyfriend in the hallway. I had walked past her a million times. We sat together once in a while at lunch. I had invited her to my birthday parties when we were kids. Now I couldn’t stop picturing her floating facedown in the river. Or beaten beyond recognition and lying somewhere on the Riverwalk. Or shot in the head and left to die in an alley. Suddenly every horror movie I had ever seen was running through my head. Then it struck me that I’d never again see her at school, holding hands with Ben. She was gone. Found in the river with her hair trailing behind her like underwater weeds.
I was jolted out of my thoughts when my mom knocked on the door.
“Feather?” she called.
“Yeah?” I answered.
She stuck her head in and gave me a concerned smile, dark circles like bruises under her eyes. “Just thought I’d see if you were up yet. Can I come in?” I nodded at her. She walked in and sat down heavily on the bed. She looked at me and brushed the hair off my face, tucking it behind my ear. “Did you get any sleep?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I couldn’t stop picturing her in the river.” My skin broke out in goosebumps thinking about it again.
“Yeah,” she sighed, “me too. I still see her as that seven-year-old girl with her hair in braids who was afraid of balloons at your birthday party.”
I smiled. “I forgot about that! She wouldn’t play that game where you stood with a partner and squished the balloon between you to break it.”
My mom laughed. “She spent the whole game upstairs in the kitchen with me.”
“I know! Her partner was Melissa. She had to play by herself and was squishing her balloon against the wall!” It felt good to laugh for a minute but I immediately felt guilty for laughing when Carli would never laugh again. It must have been written all over me, because my mom took my face in her hands and smiled gently at me.
“It’s okay to remember her, Feather. It’s even okay to laugh and smile.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I hugged her. “I’ll get ready.”
“Is Jake picking you up?” Mom asked.
I paused, not meeting her eyes.
“I don’t think so.”
She touched my arm.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “He just said something that bothered me.”
My mom laughed. “Oh, honey. Men tend to do that. You have to talk to him if he did something that bothered you. If you care about him, you have to communicate and work it out.”
I nodded. “I’ll try.”
By the time I got into the shower and out the door, I felt a little better. I was still shook up about Carli, obviously, but at least I was slightly more awake. I hit the Tim Hortons drive-through for a large double double and a maple-dipped donut. My head hurt from crying. I needed the sugar and the caffeine badly if I was going to make it through what I already knew would be an awful day. I had no doubt that everyone had heard about Carli by now.
Sure enough, kids were huddled in groups from the parking lot to the front door. I parked my car and grabbed my bag out of the back seat, bracing myself for the onslaught of bullshit I knew was coming.
I was right. Teenagers live for gossip. What shocked me were the histrionics. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. This school has more drama queens and phonies than the Kardashians.
I passed the most popular clique of girls on my way to the front entrance. Fiona, the red-haired leader, had collapsed against her friends, sobbing and crying the mascara off her face.
“What am I going to do without her?” she wailed as one of her friends patted her on the back. “She was my best friend!” She was crying so hard that I thought she might hyperventilate and pass out. I kind of hoped she would. Fiona hadn’t said a word to Carli in two years, since Carli had kissed Fiona’s boyfriend at a party. And they hadn’t actually been close before that. But I was trying not to be cynical. Who knows? Maybe this was completely genuine.
“I’m so sorry, Fee!” one of her friends cried while she rubbed Fiona’s back in manic circles. Fiona looked up from her handful of Kleenex for a second, her face thoughtful.
“I know! I’ll name my first baby Carli. So I never forget her or our friendship.” She broke down into sobs again.
“Oh, Fiona!”
“Fee, you’re such an amazing friend.”
“That’s what Carli would have wanted.”
“Wow,” Mia said, catching up to me at the door where I stood with my mouth hanging open. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to come to school today but I would have hated to miss this. Seriously, Fiona should charge admission.” She was trying to keep things light but the laughter didn’t make it to her red-rimmed eyes. I could see she was troubled. How could she not be? I slung an arm over her shoulder and led her inside.
If anything, the gossip was worse inside the school. I could hear snippets of conversations as Mia and I walked down the hallway.
“Did you hear they found her naked?”
“No way! Was she raped?”
“She had to be, right?”
“I heard she was completely gutted.”
“What? That’s disgusting!”
“Yeah, her druggie boyfriend did it.”
“Freakin’ Indians, man.”
My face was burning. I could feel the heat seeping across my cheeks. Mia’s face was as red as mine felt. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“Have some respect!” I yelled into the crowd of kids. It was quiet for about five seconds. Just long enough for Mia to drag me away but not quite long enough that I didn’t hear some Neanderthal football player mouth off to his friends.
“Now that sexy-ass squaw can yell at me any time she wants. Do you think she’s that mouthy in bed?”
I was about to turn back around when I saw Jake talking to Ben at the end of the hall. My heart broke for Ben. He looked absolutely shattered. His eyes were watery. Jake had his hand on Ben’s slumped shoulders, leaning down to talk to him.
“Poor Ben. Come on.” Mia pulled me towards the guys and away from the football players. She walked up to Ben and hugged him tightly. Ben hugged her back, a tear sliding down his face. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through.”
Jake and I looked at each other silently and then he turned back to Ben.
“Especially with all this shit.” Jake gestured around the hall. I touched Ben’s arm.
“I’m really sorry, Ben. Is there anything we can do?”
He smiled weakly at me. “Yeah. Get me out of here. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, coming to school today. But I was going crazy at home.” We nodded at him. “They’re all acting like I had something to do with it.” He gestured down the crowded hallway.
”We know you didn’t, buddy.” Jake looked at him intently. “Come on. Let’s go for a drive or something.” He turned to Mia and me. “You guys want to come?”
“You bet.” Mia picked up Ben’s backpack and slung it over her shoulder with her own. I nodded and took her hand. Ben smiled sadly at me, then followed us out. We tried to shield him but the whispers intensified when we walked past. At least the
parking lot was mostly empty now. The first bell had just rung so only the stragglers were left. The stragglers and two cops leaning against their squad car, laughing uproariously at something.
I was outraged but Ben looked devastated. The more they laughed, the more he seemed to shrink.
“They’re not doing anything,” he said, almost to himself. “They don’t even care what happened to her.” We had to lean in close to hear him as the cops brayed loudly again.
“Okay, that’s it.” I dropped Mia’s hand and threw my purse to Jake, who caught it deftly. I stalked over to the cops.
“Hey. Hey! 5-0! Maybe you should drop the donuts and try to find out who killed our friend!”
“And maybe you should watch your mouth, little girl.” One of the cops dragged his ass off the car and walked towards me.
“You haven’t even started to hear my mouth yet,” I told him. Jake and Mia arrived at my side and tried to usher me away. I looked at his name tag. “Why don’t you do your job and catch the killer, Officer Dawson?”
“Killer?” He laughed and called over to his partner. “Did you hear that one? No killer, sweetheart. Just another depressed Indian girl taking a swan dive into the river.” I felt like someone had slapped me.
“That’s not true!” Ben screamed. “Carli would never kill herself! She had plans! We had plans. She didn’t commit suicide. Someone did this to her and you’re just sitting here laughing and letting whoever killed her get away with it.”
Jake put an arm around Ben and led him away while Mia took my hand again and pulled me after them.
“Come on,” she said. “They’re not going to listen to us.” I walked away with her, speechless as the cops laughed behind us.
Chapter 10
I’m Free as a Bird Now
He held the newspaper in his hands and read the headline.
“Local Girl Found in River Ruled a Suicide”
He hadn’t meant for anyone to find her. He had weighted her body down but she must have come free of her shackles and washed down the river.
Somehow, despite the comedy of errors, he had gotten away with it. They thought she killed herself.
He stared at the picture of his little blackbird and laughed and laughed.
Chapter 11
Saying Goodbye
I hate to admit it, but that morning was one of the most awkward experiences of my life. We were all sad about Carli, but it was nothing compared to Ben’s incredible grief.
It made no sense that anyone could see Ben and still believe on any level that he killed his girlfriend. He looked gutted. I immediately wished I hadn’t thought of that word to describe Ben’s emotional state. The echo of some random kid saying he heard Ben had gutted Carli was still too fresh in my mind.
I shook my head and looked at Jake. He was speaking in a low voice to Ben, clapping a hand on his back and trying so hard to make him feel better. How could he be so caring with Ben and so hateful about Matt and Dre? I looked at Mia, who was texting on her phone. She was always on her phone lately — and weirdly secretive about it.
“Who are you talking to?” I asked casually. She looked up at me. Was that guilt flashing in her eyes?
“No one.”
I was slightly offended that she seemed to be hiding something from me. I was her best friend, after all. “Just something about homework. You know how I hate missing classes,” she said. Well, that much was true. I felt bad. Maybe she was telling the truth.
Her phone vibrated and she checked it, a soft smile lighting up her face. Yeah, I wasn’t buying it. She was definitely hiding something . . . or someone.
“Mia,” I started, but Jake cut me off before I could challenge her on what were clearly lies.
“Hey, guys?” he called. “Ben wants to bring some flowers down to the river. For Carli.”
“Okay!” Mia was quick to respond and step ahead of me to catch up to the guys. Whatever it was we needed to talk about would obviously have to wait until we were alone.
We all piled into Jake’s Mazda 3 and drove away from the school. Mia and I slouched down in the back seat, just in case. No one ran after the car screaming “truant” at us, and we made it out of the parking lot safely. We stopped long enough to grab some flowers and headed down the river.
“Stop here,” Ben told Jake. He pointed out a spot to park near the Midtown Bridge. It was eerie down here, even with the tourists and joggers and moms with their strollers on the Riverwalk. I knew Carli had gone missing here and had been found right down there in the water. Stupid as it sounds, it felt haunted. Not by a ghost, though. It felt as if something horrible had happened here.
We all got out of the car and headed down to the water together.
“This is where they found her,” Ben whispered, almost to himself. He was staring at the river, watching it flow past. I couldn’t help but imagine Carli here. I didn’t believe for a second that she killed herself. But was she already dead when she went into the water? Was she afraid? Did she call out for Ben? I shivered and Jake handed me his jacket. I nodded my thanks.
“There’s no police tape or anything,” I said. Why didn’t they have the area taped off?
“They don’t believe it’s a crime scene,” Ben replied. “They think she killed herself, so they’re not investigating.”
“Don’t they have to look at all the options? What if they’re wrong? Then we’re walking all over the crime scene!” We all looked around, as if there might be a major clue under our feet. For all we knew, there was.
“Yeah, I know, Feather. But they wouldn’t listen to me or to Carli’s foster mom. We both told the cops she wouldn’t kill herself. They just wanted to close the case and forget about her.” He clutched the flowers tightly in his hand and looked over the water again. He stepped forward slowly and stopped at the river’s edge. “I’m so sorry, baby,” he said softly. We walked forward as a group and stood beside him. Mia took his free hand. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to protect you that night. I’m sorry no one will listen to me. I’m sorry you’re gone. I wish . . .” He stopped and his breath hitched as he fought back tears. “I wish it had been me and not you.” Mia squeezed his hand. “I still feel you with me. I won’t ever forget you, Carli. I promise you that.” He tossed the bouquet into the water and watched as it floated away on the current.
Mia stepped forward and held up the single rose she had bought.
“Rest in peace, Carli,” she said. “We’ll take care of Ben for you.” She threw her rose into the river and stepped back.
Jake was next.
“I’ll miss you, Carli. It’s not the same at school without you. And my new lab partner is an idiot.” We all smiled at that. “You were one of a kind,” he said and threw his rose.
My turn. I looked down at the rose in my hand and tried to think of something to say that would adequately express how sorry I was.
“Carli . . .” I stopped. A wave of grief for the bright, smiling girl I had grown up with washed over me. How were we supposed to make any sense of this? A perfectly healthy seventeen-year-old girl was dead. She was gone and she wasn’t ever coming back. She’d never laugh at Mia’s jokes or kiss Ben or bump into me as she walked down the hall at school with her face hidden by a library book. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. She was just gone. I took a deep breath. God, why was this so hard? I tried again.
“Carli, I wish we had more time. Time to get to know each other again. Time to shop and watch movies and laugh together. But I’m grateful for the time I did spend with you. I’m glad you came to my birthday parties. Even though the balloons freaked you out.” Ben and Mia laughed at that. “I’m glad we snuck out together to see that horror movie when we were twelve and I’m glad you stayed over that night because it scared the hell out of me. I’m sorry the police don’t care what happened to you. But we do. We care. And . . . we’ll keep fighting f
or the truth, Carli. We’ll . . . we’ll miss you.” I threw my rose and watched it float gently down the river to join the other flowers. Ben hugged me tightly.
“Thank you.” He hugged Mia next. Then Jake. “Thank you so much for coming with me. And for caring. She’d like that.”
“Of course.” Jake hugged Ben back. “Any time. Do you want to hang out at my place or something? My parents are both at work.”
Ben shook his head.
“Nah. I think I’ll try to get some sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much . . .” He trailed off. Yeah. I could imagine.
“Mia?” Jake asked.
“It’s almost lunchtime. I think I’ll go catch my afternoon classes so I can work on my art project,” she said.
“What about you, Feather?” He smiled at me, then lowered his voice. “We should probably talk.”
“Yeah. I guess so. I don’t really feel like going to math anyway,” I told him.
“Okay. So we’ll drop you guys off first then,” he said to Ben and Mia. He smiled at me again. God, that smile that made the corners of his eyes crinkle always made my heart beat faster. So did the thought that we were going to be alone in his house for hours. I swallowed hard, trying to erase the memory of his hateful words about Matt and Dre from my head.
“Let’s go, then,” I said, looking at Mia, my cheeks burning as she winked at me. That girl knew me far too well.
Chapter 12
Secrets
It was quiet in Jake’s house. I was so used to his mother fluttering around the kitchen and his father yelling at the television while his twin brother and sister ran through the room and jumped on the sofa beside us repeatedly. I had been dating Jake for over a year and it was hard to find anywhere for us to be alone. And lately, well, let’s just say we really wanted to be alone. I mean, it had been over a year. At the moment, I think we were both feeling emotional and needed to connect. We needed to feel something . . . to feel alive, I guess. Even if I was still kind of upset with him.
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