by J. A. Howell
He cleared his throat and managed to pull his features under control “I’m glad you like it. You seemed so upset last night…I just wanted to make you smile.”
My own cheeks grew warm at his statement, but I brushed it off. “How much do I owe you for it?”
“It’s on the house.”
“Ian! No, you spent a lot of time on it.” I objected, but he held a hand out.
“Spending the day with you and seeing you smile is payment enough.”
Refusing, I reached into my purse for my wallet. “How much?”
“I’m serious, Shayne.”
“And so am I. How much?” I repeated.
“If you really want to pay me, let me take you out.”
I frowned at him. This was exactly what I was afraid of. “Ian, I don’t really date…”
“One date. That’s all. You don’t even have to kiss me goodnight. Unless you want to of course.” He gave me a playful wink, but it did nothing to settle the uneasy feeling running through my gut.
“Can’t I just pay you?” I held out cash and a crease formed between his eyebrows. “I didn’t mean it like that. I find you very attractive, it’s just not a good—”
“So, you do find me attractive?” His mouth quirked up in amusement. Of course that would be the only part he heard.
“Of course, I just…” I tried to pull my thoughts together. I did find Ian attractive, and unlike other people, he was interested, had been interested in fact for a good while. Why couldn’t I go out and have a good time with him? Because of what Kieran did? For all I knew he was back at home in California playing house with that conniving bitch of a wife. And Ian…well Ian was here, standing in front of me, watching me with those pleading hazel eyes. He’d spent his whole day doing something for me, because he wanted to spend time with me.
“It’s okay, Shayne. C’mere. Let me bandage you up.” He busied himself with the wrap and tape he’d set out, doing his best to hide the embarrassment at my supposed rejection. I came over to him and remained silent as he bandaged my back, chewing at my bottom lip. “Well whatever asshole upset you. I’m sorry for it, and I really am glad you like the tattoo. Honestly.” His voice was soft and his touch was soothing and gentle as it secured the bandage over the tattoo.
“Ian?”
“It’s fine. You don’t owe me anything for it. I wanted to do it for you.” He flashed me a ghost of a smile, but avoided my gaze.
“Ian, listen, I—”
He cut me off once more as he moved around me to clean up his workstation. “You don’t need to explain anything to me. I get it.”
“Ian!” He looked up, startled, and I grabbed his shirt collar, planting a kiss on his lips. “Pick me up at eight on Saturday?”
He blinked at me, his mouth hanging open, but finally managed to regain composure. “Oh…eight. Right. I’ll see you then I guess.”
“Yeah, eight. See you then.” I nodded, then turned for the door. Maybe this would be a good thing, going on a date. At the very least, I knew Ian didn’t already have a wife. That was a step in the right direction, wasn’t it?
CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
Substitutions
Ian’s nails dug into my thighs and a groan tore from his throat. He pulled me down to him, kissing my mouth as he thrust into me. I clenched my muscles around him and let out a soft, convincing whimper. With a strangled sound, he flipped me onto my back, eyes glazed with heat and pleasure as he stared down at me.
He smiled and I smiled back before I pulled him back down to me. I couldn’t stand to look him in the face right now. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Ian or that I wasn’t attracted to him. It wasn’t that the sex was bad. But there was something missing. I wrapped my legs around his hips, urging him on with another encouraging moan. The muscles of his abdomen tightened against my stomach and his mouth moved over my throat with a gentle nip.
“Bite.” The words escaped me without a thought and he obeyed, pulling the soft skin between his teeth. Still, it wasn’t enough. “Harder.”
Ian growled against my skin, thrusting harder into me and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to concentrate on the feeling of his body, the flex of his muscles as his movements grew more unrestrained. Still it wasn’t enough. I needed more.
“Harder,” I pleaded again, my nails digging into his back. He gasped against my shoulder, winded already, but gripped a handful of my hair and drove into me. All he wanted was to please me, and all I wanted was to lose myself in the passion of Ian’s efforts, but still…something was missing.
Unbidden, thoughts of Kieran pulled at me. Ian’s fingers twisted into my hair and I thought of Kieran doing the same. “Harder.” My voice shook with a moan and I could almost feel Kieran moving inside me.
Ian grunted, near release and I heard the deep, throaty sounds that Kieran always made when he was about to come. A shiver ran through my core and my own moans came, unforced as my muscles seized around him. His own release came a moment later and he moaned my name. I kissed him, not wanting the illusion to break away as another powerful wave shook me. Our bodies joined together in blissful release, yet I wasn’t there with him. I was with Kieran. I felt Kieran’s muscles tensing and relaxing against me, smelled Kieran’s woodsy scent as his arms held me close.
Ian’s arms released me and my body relaxed against the bed. I gulped in deep breaths and my chest heaved. Ian collapsed next to me, equally as breathless. I opened my eyes and looked at him. A lazy smile traced over his lips and guilt hit me hard in the chest. I smiled back, but when he reached for me, I rolled out of his grasp and swung my legs off of the bed.
“I should go.”
“Wait, but why?”
He disposed of his condom in a wastebasket near the bed and scrambled off the other side. I hastily dressed, avoiding his gaze.
“I just have a lot of stuff to take care of tomorrow. Early morning.” I answered, struggling to clasp my bra.
He made a disappointed noise, but came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Well, when can I see you again?”
I swallowed hard and forced a smile across my face. After what I did, I shouldn’t see him again. I didn’t deserve to. But Ian was a nice guy. We’d had a good time together on our date. He’d made me laugh, made me smile. He was the type of person I needed to be around right now. Sure, things hadn’t ignited between us like they had with Kieran, but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe normal relationships weren’t meant to start like that. If they did, maybe it meant they would just as quickly implode and consume those involved. Well, at least one of them, I thought with a frown.
“Shayne?” Ian’s voice pulled me out of my own head and I met his waiting gaze. I smiled, this time more genuine, despite the lingering guilt.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, maybe we can hang out after I finish at work.” I said. He grinned, pleased with this suggestion and I gave him a quick peck on his lips before hurrying from his apartment. I wanted things to work with Ian, but right now I needed to get the hell away from him.
“Kier, you still awake?” Kendall’s voice whispered in the darkness of our bedroom. I laid with my back to her, facing the window, staring out into the night. “Keir? Babe?” The bed shifted behind me, and I still didn’t answer her. She lifted the covers and slid in behind me, molding her body to mine. Her bare legs shifted against mine and I closed my eyes. More than anything I wanted to go back. Back to when I felt something for her, back to when I thought there was no one else.
“Kier, hey…” her lips brushed over my neck and she slid a hand around my hip, cupping the crotch of my sweatpants. With effort, I relaxed against her and rolled onto my back. “I love you, baby.” She whispered and slid a hand underneath the waistband. I tried to feel something—anything—at her touch. But the only emotion that moved through me was disgust. Her fingers grazed my cock and all I could think about was her touching those men. Here. In our bed. With a grunt I slid out of her grasp and kicked the covers off my legs.
>
“Kier?” Her darkened silhouette reached for me, but I shook my head.
“I’m gonna sleep on the couch tonight, I think.”
“Again? You’ve been sleeping out there almost every night since you’ve been back…or not sleeping at all.”
Grimacing I shrugged, “I just…I’m not ready, Kendall. Not yet.”
If ever again, I thought. Would it be different, I wondered, if I still loved her? Would I be able to forget what she did?
“You need to try. For us.”
“I am tryin’. I just can’t stop picturin’…” I couldn’t even say it.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice came in a sad whisper, and she slouched back down onto the bed, giving up. With a sigh I grabbed my pillow and headed for the stairs, half in a daze. I settled myself on the couch and pulled the quilt that had been laying across the back over my legs. Closing my eyes, I yearned for sleep. I was exhausted, but wide awake now. The memory of Kendall and those men shook my nerves and whatever sleep I’d nearly had my grip on was far out of my reach. I tried to chase away those thoughts, but they were only replaced with ones of Shayne.
Guilt and want swayed together, torturing me with the thought of her. I closed my eyes, giving in. I could almost taste her on my lips still, feel the pleasing weight of her in my lap. My cock twitched, awakening at the memory of her and I bit my lip. With a quick glance toward the stairs, I slid my hand under the waistband of my sweatpants and gripped my stiffening length. I thought of Shayne’s hands on me, stroking me, those soft little whimpers that escaped her. A shiver shook threw me and my grip tightened, visions of Shayne consuming me.
Pressure welled inside me and I let out a strangled grunt as I tried to hold on to the sensation just a few seconds longer. My other hand splayed out on the coffee table next to me, groping madly for something, a napkin, anything, before I came on myself. I managed to grab a napkin out of Kendall’s purse that was sitting a foot away just in time. My hips thrust forward and I bit my lip, muffling my moan as I came.
Sweat beaded my forehead when I finally sank down against the couch. I pulled my pants back up and discarded the napkin on the floor for now. I felt calmed, but only somewhat sated. Thoughts of Shayne were just a bittersweet reminder of my unhappy state here. I frowned up at the ceiling and rolled onto my side, trying to get comfortable. Kendall’s purse lay on it’s side, toppled over amidst my desperate search. I eyed the contents suspiciously, looking for any strange numbers scribbled on scraps of paper or some random man’s business card. I still didn’t trust her, but I didn’t find any strange numbers lying amongst the bag’s contents. With a shrug I yawned and turned over, drowsiness pulling at me. But just as my eyes started to close, I caught a familiar name scrawled on the front of an envelope that was stuffed in the bottom of Kendall’s purse.
My agent’s name. And the envelope was addressed to me. Sleep was once more set aside. I sat up and pulled the envelope out of her bag, tearing it open. If something had come from my agent, why hadn’t she just given it to me? I scanned over the letter and anger rose with each sentence until I crumpled it in my fist and threw it on the floor.
“Christ, I’m a feckin’ idjit…she was right.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
The Last Straw
My phone buzzed on the dresser, waking me from a restless sleep. I groaned and reached a blind hand out, answering without looking at the screen.
“Shayne, were you still coming to see me?” My mother’s raspy voice answered on the other end. I sighed and pried one eye open, glancing at the clock. It was past noon.
“Yea, sorry, I had a late night.” I rubbed a hand over my face and sat up.
“Oh, I see.” My mother sniffed coldly, “So glad I’m high on your priorities.”
I gritted my teeth, refraining from comment. It was never as if I was one of her top priorities either.
“I’ll be there in an hour.”
“Fine.” She answered flatly. “Could you pick me up some food on the way? The food here is shit. I’m going to kill myself if I don’t eat some real food.”
“Yeah, fine.” I answered, still groggy from sleep. The phone disconnected with a click. No goodbye, no I love you. That was my mother for you. Not one for affection. Ever. I stretched out against the mattress and with a deep groan, mustered the strength to pull myself out of bed. Still half-asleep, I managed to get myself into the shower. The water against my bare skin helped me gain my bearings, but it brought back the events of the previous night in an unsettling rush. I touched the tattoo on my back. The skin was still warm and tender to the touch as it healed and guilt swept through me.
Thoughts of Kieran came to me too. Last time I’d gone to see my mother he’d been with me. He’d seen a part of my life most people had no idea about. Darren was the only other person who knew as much as Kieran, and like Darren, he hadn’t judged me, hadn’t repelled away from my ugly past.
I turned off the water and toweled off, trying to shake him from my mind. It seemed no matter what I did, Kieran took up permanent residence there. Always there, sending tiny little reminders. He’d gotten under my skin like a painful itch I couldn’t reach. I hated it.
My phone rang again as I was pulling on a pair of jeans and Liam’s name flashed on the screen. More than anything I wanted to keep avoiding him, but I knew that wasn’t an option.
“Shayne?” His voice held a distraught tone and another pang of guilt hit me like a punch to the gut.
“Hey.”
“Everything okay? Ya comin’ back ta the shop?”
“I’ll be there this afternoon. I have something I need to take care of first.” I told him as I wrangled on my boots.
“Oh. Alright. I was beginning ta worry. It’s quiet around the shop without ya here.” Any anger I’d had toward him over the other night vanished at the pitiful tone in his voice.
“I just needed some time to myself. I’ll see you in a couple hours though.” I assured him.
“Guess I’ll see ya later then. I just wanted ta check on ya…and say I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, really. Let’s just forget about it.”
He didn’t say anything else about it and it gave me some relief. We hung up and I hurried out the door to go see my mother.
Bacon sizzled in the frying pan, fried nice and crisp. I arranged them on a plate next to a warm stack of French toast. Kendall’s footsteps came down the stairs and she poked her head into the kitchen, sniffing the air.
“You…made breakfast?” She asked, wiping sleep from her eyes. I smiled at her, despite the urge to throttle her on the spot. She licked her lips appreciatively and I nodded for her to have a seat. “What’s the big occasion, Kier?”
“What? I can’t make breakfast fer my lovely wife? Just want ta make sure ya and the baby are eatin’ well.”
She eyed me for a moment, a hint of suspicion moving through her gaze, but then her lips eased into a sleepy smile. “I suppose you can. I haven’t had your French toast in forever.”
I slid a plate in front of her and leaned forward, watching as she tasted it.
“Do ya like it?”
She let out a moan, savoring the syrup-drenched food and I smiled. Let her enjoy that first bite. Her eyes fluttered back open blissfully and she looked at me then to the empty plate in front of me.
“Did you already eat?”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not really hungry.”
Kendall’s lips formed a thoughtful pout and she popped another square of French toast into her mouth.
I cleared my throat, letting my lips curl up into what I hoped looked like a doting smile. “So, I’m curious, what really made you decide to come back? Hmm?”
Her head cocked to the side and she put her fork down on her plate. “I came back because I love you and I’m carrying your child.”
She touched her stomach for emphasis and I fought the urge to laugh.
“It just seems a little odd ta me, ya know? ‘Cause the day
ya left me, ya told me ya didn’t love me. I begged ya ta stay because I loved ya…but then ya still left.”
“I was just confused.” She let out a small huff of frustration, cold blue eyes boring into mine.
“Oh, I understand, but what happened? I mean, something had ta have happened while ya were away that helped ya figure it out, no?”
“I…I just missed you…and then the baby.”
Kendall’s voice was small and uncertain. She avoided my gaze and shrunk down into her chair.
“So, let me get this straight. Ya thought ya didn’t love me anymore, so ya left, then ya missed me, realized I knocked ya up, and then ya decided ya wanted me back?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
I drummed my fingers against the table in a quiet staccato and tilted my head at her. “Ya sure that’s how it happened?”
“Kieran.” She held me with a severe look, growing increasingly more frustrated.
“What? Ya didn’t care if I was even alive for two feckin’ months. When ya were here ya barely came near me and somehow one of those few times, I managed ta knock ya up quite conveniently? Sorry, if I’m just a bit confused by your sudden interest in having a happy little family with me, Kendall.”
“You’re my husband.” She said, lips tight, anger edging near the surface.
“That’s just a fact, not a reason. The fact that I was yer husband before didn’t seem ta bother ya in the least.”
Her jaw clenched, and I knew she wanted to say something about Shayne, but she wouldn’t dare. After all, if she hadn’t left, I probably wouldn’t have met Shayne. In a way, I supposed I should be thanking her for that at least. I stood, expressionless, hands resting against the tabletop, waiting for her answer.
Kendall’s nostrils flared and a deep frown marred her perfect features. “What’s gotten into you? Why are you acting like this, Kier?”
“Because yer feckin’ lying ta my face. Just like before. Just like always.”
Kendall’s eyes widened and the chair scraped against the floor. She stood and slammed her hands against the table. The anger that had been beneath the surface boiled over as she glared at me.