by J. A. Howell
I blushed despite myself and laughed even as a couple more tears escaped.
The bartender took a step closer to me, hooking a finger under my chin. “Oh, a laugh? Even better. Though we need ta do something about these still.” He said and wiped another stray tear from my cheek. A loose strand of brown hair fell into his eyes as his gaze met mine and I let out a soft gasp. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe he really did look like Kieran, but the resemblance at that moment sent a shiver racing through me. I reached a hand up, ran my fingers over his stubbled cheek, and the bartender’s eyes darkened.
“Careful, love.” He teased, clearing his throat and turning his cheek against my palm. His hand slid over my knee and I thought back to what Ian had said to me. No, he wasn’t my boyfriend, despite the fact our relationship had been going in that direction. Something held me back from taking that step, but maybe it was a good thing. I wasn’t good with anyone, and right now, I just didn’t want to think. I wanted to do something stupid, I wanted to forget how everything in my life felt like it was spinning out of control. My other hand slid over the bartender’s and dragged it higher up my thigh.
“What if I don’t want to be careful?”
CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE
She Saw Me
It was a little before six o’clock when I walked into the pub I’d told Liam to meet me at. I sincerely hoped he didn’t bring Shayne with, but I’d dressed in a nice pair of jeans and a t-shirt, just in case. The usual bartender wasn’t behind the bar when I walked in so I flagged down one of the waitresses for a beer. She grinned at me and grabbed me a drink while I waited for my brother.
I’d barely slept last night. My mind drifted to Shayne standing in front of the hotel with that guy, only cementing the fact that I’d missed the boat. I took a heavy gulp of my beer and looked down at my watch. Liam would be here any minute. I finished off my beer and he still hadn’t arrived yet. Checking my phone I hadn’t gotten any messages from him, but he was doing tattoos today. Maybe he’d just gotten held up.
After polishing off another beer, I had to piss something wicked. Leaving cash on the bar, I strode toward the bathroom and found a urinal in the nick of time. I let out a deep groan of relief as the urine flowed out of me with a shudder.
“Jayhsus, that was a long piss.” I grunted as I zipped up then washed my hands.
A nice buzz settled over me and I pulled the bathroom door open, hoping Liam was waiting in the pub for me finally. I stepped into the hall, but a loud thump gave me pause. I glanced toward the door at the end of the hall that read “Storage” across the front. The door was cracked open, but the room was completely dark. Another thump came and I stepped forward cautiously, my nerves on high alert. I was a foot from the door when a man’s deep groan came with another thump and I relaxed. Ah, just a couple having a bit of fun. I let out a silent laugh and turned back for the pub, but a soft whimper froze me in place.
“Harder!” She whispered, and I knew it was Shayne. I turned back, peering into the darkness of the room. I didn’t want to know it was her, I didn’t want to see her with another man, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was hard to make out anything more than two figures moving together but my eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness and I saw her face. He had her on top of a stack of boxes on the opposite side of the small storage room. Her skirt was hiked up around her waist and his pants around his thighs. He thrust into her and she let out another whimper, wrapping her legs around his hips and urging him on. A ray of light came in from a small window and I saw that her eyes were squeezed shut, black lashes damp against her cheeks.
I was an intruder. I knew that. I had no right, no claim to her whatsoever, but I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t help the ache that welled in my chest as I watched her with him. A voice inside my head screamed for me to leave, but I stood there. Frozen. Watching, lusting, agonizing over Shayne as her head rolled back with another moan of pleasure. The man tugged her shirt and bra down, taking one of her nipples between his teeth and I groaned inwardly, remembering the sweet taste of her flesh. I’d thought about her like this so many times since I’d left, wanting nothing more than to bury myself inside her like he was. A ripple of pleasure moved through me and I closed my eyes, trying to calm the arousal I was feeling. No, what am I doing? I need to go, I told myself. Still, I couldn’t move.
When I opened my eyes, he had her bent over the boxes. His body collided with her in hard, unrestrained thrusts and she whimpered again as his hands grasped her hips. My body ached, remembering her bent over in front of me, and my cock twitched against my jeans. Shayne’s back arched and he slammed into her, jarring the boxes as they both came, moaning simultaneously. I let out a gasp, and stepped back from the door, realization and embarrassment finally winning over. I needed to get out of here before either of them saw me. What the feck is the matter with me?
“Kier? That you?” My brother’s voice came from the other end of the hall. Startled, I stumbled and toppled a box beside the storage room door as I nearly lost my balance. It was too late. As I righted myself I saw those rich brown eyes watching me from the darkness of the storage room, mirroring my own shock and embarrassment.
Without a word to her or my brother, I ran from the pub, too horrified to look back.
“Um, that someone ya know?” The bartender’s gruff voice asked behind me as I tugged at my rumpled clothing.
“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. What is Kieran doing here? I thought he was still in California…with her. At first I thought I was going crazy, but the bartender had seen Kieran too before he ran from the pub.
“Do ya need ta go after him?” I looked back at the man as he slid the used condom off and he gave me a sympathetic look.
“Yeah, I should.” I said. “Sorry.”
“I told ya, quit apologizin’.” He winked. “Go on.”
I went out into the hall and he followed behind me with a gentle hand on my back. We walked back to the front and I looked around for any sign of Kieran. Someone cleared their throat to the left of me and I met Liam’s glaring blue gaze.
“Really, Shayne?” His jaw jutted out angrily and his nostrils flared as he took in my disheveled appearance—and the bartender’s.
“Why’s Kieran here?” I asked, ignoring his comment.
“I don’t know. Didn’t get a chance ta ask him before he ran out of here. I didn’t even know why he’d run like that until I saw ya two coming out of the back room there.”
“How was I to know he’d be there watching me? The last time I saw him he was leaving Midtown with his wife.” I couldn’t help the biting tone in which I said that last part.
“And what if it had been Ian?”
I said nothing at that. What if it had been Ian? Guilt stung me despite what he’d done earlier. “We..aren’t together.”
Liam shook his head, giving me a look of disgust. “Right. Ya let him pay fer the trip here, take ya out all the time, but he’s not yer boyfriend. I forgot. How convenient fer ya.”
“It isn’t like that, Liam.”
“No? I bet ya would have pulled the same shit if Kieran had stayed.”
I gritted my teeth, glaring at him. “That isn’t true.”
“No? We’ve been friends fer a while now. I see how ya work. It’s all fine and dandy if a guy fulfills yer needs, but when they ask fer more, ya run fer the feckin’ hills.”
I wanted to tell him that wasn’t true, but every other guy I’d been with, I had run from. I didn’t want any more from them. But I’d wanted more with Kieran.
“Christ, Shayne it was one thing when ya weren’t with someone, but ya’ve been with Ian for four months now. Ya try and act like yer nothing like yer mother. Ya bitch that all she does is use ya, but what the feck are ya doin’ ta Ian right now?”
I cringed at the mention of my mother, but maintained my composure, even as it was crumbling around the edges. “I wasn’t trying to hurt him. You don’t understand. Something happened and I—”
“No I
think I understand perfectly.” He cut me off, moving so his face was inches from mine. “Maybe yer not snorting or injecting every feckin’ substance ya can get yer hands on, but yer a user just like her.”
“I’m not like my mother.” My voice shook and tears brimmed in my eyes, but Liam’s anger didn’t wane.
“No, maybe not. Ya feck with whoever ya want until they no longer meet yer needs. At least yer mother made men pay when she was being a whore so they knew what they were signin’ up fer.”
My fist slammed into Liam’s cheek hard enough that he stumbled back. He shook his head and blinked at me, nostrils flaring in anger. I stood there, tears streaming down my cheeks. His features softened, a look of confusion and doubt overtaking the ferocity that had been there moment ago.
“Shayne?”
I shoved past a crowd of younger guys, ignoring the burning pain in my knuckles, desperate to get away from him. A bus was getting ready to pull back into traffic and I ran for it as Liam yelled behind me. Sure, he was right about a lot of it, but it hurt coming from someone I’d been close to for so long. Maybe he had been right when he first told me to stay away from Kieran. Maybe if Kieran had stayed I would have only hurt him too. The bus pulled away from the curb before Liam could reach me and my phone buzzed in my bra. I settled into a seat in the back and pulled it out to see Ian’s number.
“Hey! Where are you? I’ve been looking everywhere around the hotel.”
“I went out for a bit.” I answered.
“Look, I’m sorry about earlier. It just hurt when you brushed me off this morning, you know?”
I wiped more tears from my face. “I know.”
“Where are you? Can we talk?” His tone was sweet, genuine. It tore a hole straight through my chest.
“I’ll be back at the hotel in a bit.”
“Okay, come up to the room. I’ll see you soon.”
CHAPTER THIRTY SIX
Slipping Off the Edge Again
I was a few blocks away from the pub when my phone rang. I saw Liam’s name and shoved the phone back in my pocket. I wasn’t ready to talk to him after what had just happened. My stomach twisted in knots at the thought of Shayne and the feckin’ bartender. I had no right to be jealous. Still I couldn’t help the ache in my chest as I thought of her body entangled with his. Maybe it had been a bad idea to tell Liam I was in New York. Had he told her come to the bar with him? Why would he do that? From the look on her face she had no idea I’d be there.
“Hey, arsehole. Ignorin’ my calls now?” A voice huffed behind me. I spun around to see Liam, out of breath with a red mark over his left cheek.
“How’d you find me?”
He held up his phone “It’s called GPS.”
“Right.” I turned and continued walking, letting him catch up to me.
“Slow the feck down, I just ran my arse here.” He growled and I slowed to a stop once more. “Look, I’m sorry fer what happened back there. I didn’t know Shayne would be there, but are ya goin’ ta tell me what the hell yer doin’ here?”
“I divorced Kendall and moved out here a few months ago.”
Liam blinked, surprised at this news. “What about the baby?”
“Kendall wasn’t even pregnant. She was just tryin’ to get more money out of me. Found out some studio wanted to buy my film rights.”
“Feckin’ bitch.”
“Yeah,” I let out a half-hearted laugh. As usual, I figured things out a little too late. “What happened ta yer face?” I nodded at the bruise forming on his cheek.
“Shayne punched me. I might have said somethin’ ta her after ya left.”
“What the feck did ya say ta her?”
Liam looked abashed and let out a long sigh. “Things I shouldn’t have said. I just got so defensive after I saw the look on yer face and the way ya ran out of there. And that wasn’t even the guy she’s been with! Just some random arsehole. She hasn’t pulled shit like that in a long time. I mean, I know ya two only had yer thing fer a month, but I’ve seen her string guys along for months only to break their heart when they want things to get more serious.”
“She looked like she was cryin’.”
Liam glanced at me, confused. “What?”
“Shayne. When she was with that guy it looked like she’d been cryin’.”
“You don’t think he did somethin’? Forced her?”
I shook my head, considering the look on her face. “No. It looked like she was tryin’ ta forget something else goin’ on with her in the only way she knew how.”
I’d seen that look before. The first time we’d had sex. The day I’d met her mother.
“Feck. I’m an idjit. She was tryin’ ta tell me somethin’ but I cut her off. I was so pissed. Maybe I should call her?”
I shrugged. “She probably won’t answer ya right away if that mark on yer face is any indication.”
“Right. I guess not much ta do about it right now. Are ya hungry?”
I wasn’t, but he probably was after running after me. “Sure. We can grab a couple slices if ya want.”
The elevator stopped on the floor to our hotel room and my stomach clenched. I didn’t want to do this, but Liam was right. I was stringing him along. I didn’t care about Ian. Not the way he cared about me. Seeing Kieran again only made that clear to me. I was trying to find something in Ian that just wasn’t there.
I hesitated outside our hotel room. I didn’t want to hurt him, but there was no way around it. The door swung open, startling me. Ian took in my disheveled presence and my tear-stained cheeks. His lips compressed into a concerned frown that only made me feel worse.
“Are you okay? What happened?” He swung the door wider, ushering me in and pulling me into his arms. I stiffened at his touch and gently disentangled myself.
“I slept with someone.” The words tumbled from my lips without pause. It was better to just get it out, there was no way to make the blow any softer.
Ian took a step back from me, his eyebrows pressing down as he took in my words. “You did what?”
“You upset me, so I went and had sex with someone else.”
His mouth fell open and he shook his head, still disbelieving. “Because of what I said? Shayne I was upset, but I wouldn’t have done anything. You have to know that!”
“I do. You’ve been nothing but sweet to me. I know you were just upset.” I nodded, chewing at my bottom lip.
“And you still went and fucked someone else?” His words came out harsh, a tinge of pain bleeding through them. I nodded and finally met his tear-brimmed eyes.
“I’m sorry, Ian.”
He paced the length of the hotel room with his shoulders hunched tight. His words were incoherent and angry as he cursed under his breath. I stood silent, not daring to stop him. He was hurt. He had a right to be. Abruptly, he stopped and swung around, his hazel eyes boring into me.
“I care about you, Shayne, and you’ve been keeping me at a distance this whole time…then you just go and do that?”
“I’m sorry.” I repeated, keeping my head down.
“I get it though. It’s hard for you to let others close. I’ve been able to see that since the first time I met you.”
I looked up at him, startled by his softened tone. It would be easier if he just yelled, if he got angry with me and told me he hated me. But he didn’t do any of those things.
“You’re not mad?”
He came back over to me and grabbed my hand. “It hurts. A lot. But I know what you’re trying to do. You’re just scared. We can work through this.”
His words hit me hard and I pulled my hand away. “No…no we can’t work through this.”
“Shayne?” He reached for me again but I backed away.
“I don’t want to be with you, Ian. I’m sorry. You’re a nice guy. You deserve better.”
Ian said nothing. I tried to look away from him, but I couldn’t. His eyes narrowed into a cruel stare and his mouth tightened into a thin angry line. “I�
�m a nice guy? I deserve better? That’s such a load of bull, Shayne!”
I jumped at his outburst and pressed my back against the wall. “It’s the truth, Ian. I’m sorry. I tried to feel something for you but I just don’t. I don’t care about you how you care about me.”
He laughed then swiped an arm out, knocking the desk lamp to the floor with a crash. “You felt nothing for me, yet you stayed with me for four fucking months?! You let me take you out everywhere, pay for this fucking trip? And you never felt anything for me?”
I shook my head as tears threatened my own eyes again. “I’m sorry…”
“Ha! You’re sorry? You fucking lead me on then go fuck some asshole during the trip I fucking paid for, and you’re sorry?!” Ian shook his head and flung something else off the desk, jolting me. “You know what? You’re not the one that should apologize. I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry I didn’t listen to the other guys at my shop when they told me about you. Do you want to know what they told me? Hmm, Shayne?”
I shook my head and glanced at the door, the guilt I felt now turning to fear. No, I didn’t want to know. He let out an angry snort, continuing anyway.
“They called you a fucking whore. Said your mom was a strung-out prostitute and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. And you know what, Shayne? Now that I’ve known you for a bit and I’ve seen what you are capable of…I think they’re right. You’re a whore, just like her. A stupid fucking whore.”
His words sliced through me and I gasped, shocked that he would say something so hurtful. His lips curled into a sneer and the face I’d found so handsome, so sweet, turned into someone I barely recognized
“Fuck you! You know nothing about me!”
Ian fumed, glaring at me, and snatched a decorative vase off the side table. I flinched as it smashed against the wall a foot away from me.