by Andy Stanley
The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, “Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be.” (1 Kings 3:10–12)
And so Solomon was given wisdom and discernment beyond that of any man or woman who had ever lived. He became the go-to guy for just about everything. He was an architect, poet, philosopher, scientist, scholar, theologian, and ruler—a truly amazing individual.
In the New Testament, you and I are encouraged to follow Solomon’s example: “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you” (James 1:5).
This wonderful verse contains an important assumption and a powerful promise. The assumption is that there will be times when we don’t know the wise thing to do; the promise is that God will provide us with the wisdom we need. But like Solomon, we must first recognize our need.
That leads us back to our question. The wisest man who ever lived insists throughout his writings that, instead of looking within our own hearts for the wisdom we need, we should pursue the counsel of others. In fact, Solomon had more to say about the importance of seeking wise counsel than all the other biblical writers combined.
Here is a random sampling:
Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance. (Proverbs 1:5)
The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice. (Proverbs 12:15)
Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise. (Proverbs 19:20)
For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers. (Proverbs 11:14)
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. (Proverbs 15:22)
You have to stop and ask yourself why the wisest man in the world would put such a premium on seeking advice from others. The answer, of course, is that he was the wisest man in the world! Wisdom seeks counsel. The wise man knows his limitations; it is the fool who believes he has none.
My guess is that Solomon remembered how overwhelmed he felt the day he became king, how badly he needed wisdom beyond his years, how discernment seemed hopelessly out of reach. As wise as he became, Solomon never forgot that his wisdom had come from Someone else. And so even after God granted him extraordinary wisdom, Solomon continued to surround himself with trusted advisers.
Don’t Leave Home Without It
No one rises above the need for wise counsel. No one. In fact, the more successful we become, the more we need it because there is usually more at stake in the decisions we make. Violating this simple principle sets otherwise successful people up for failure.
As I write this, a high-profile personality is battling to stay out of prison. The court case involves an individual accused of murder. This individual has admitted to making “poor choices” or unwise decisions. Even if a “not guilty” verdict is the outcome, the person’s reputation will be tarnished for life. That tragedy—as well as this expensive, drawn-out court battle—could have been avoided if the individual had simply paused before acting. It’s another demonstration of how our unwise decisions set us up for what follows. Nobody rises above the need for wise counsel, but many sure do resist seeking it out, which is ironic.
But this dynamic is not limited to those with celebrity status.
Few people enjoy being told what to do. It’s why we couldn’t wait to leave home, to strike out on our own, to achieve independence. We resisted our parents’ advice, and we’ve been resisting the advice of others ever since. To complicate things, we are especially resistant to advice in the three areas where we are most vulnerable—the three areas that typically prove to be the sources of our greatest regret: how we allocate our time, spend our money, and handle our relationships.
If you don’t believe me, try giving your neighbor advice about how to raise his children. Or walk in uninvited to the office next to yours and explain to a peer how she could make better use of her time. If you’re brave, try explaining to a guy who’s buying a lottery ticket that he is throwing away his money.
Let’s face it, most of us are hesitant to pursue counsel in the areas where we need it most, and we resist counsel when it is offered. And so in the three areas where we are most vulnerable, we are quick to lean on our own understanding and make decisions that are clouded by our own passions and ignorance.
Everybody’s Going to Know
But here’s an interesting slice of reality to consider: while you may escape having to listen to anyone’s opinion about your decisions, you can in no way stop people from forming one. This is the irony of refusing to seek counsel. In many cases, once you have made your decision privately, the outcome will eventually be known publicly. At that point, people will inevitably form opinions about the wisdom of your choice.
We can convince ourselves that our private lives are nobody else’s business. But the results of our personal decisions are rarely private. We often make intensely personal decisions about seemingly private matters, but the effects are felt in the real world and are generally visible to the public.
Everybody knows whom you chose to marry. Your friends know the size, location, and price range of your home. People know what kind of car you drive. Complete strangers know where you work and where you were previously employed. People know whether you went to church last Sunday. And it’s no secret whom you choose to spend time with. And whether you like it or not, everybody you know has formed some kind of opinion about all those “private” decisions you have made. It’s just human nature.
Before you get too indignant, be honest: you have an opinion about the decisions your friends and relatives have made as well. Don’t you?
I can’t believe she’s dating that guy.
Why are they sending their kids to that school?
Don’t they know about the zoning issues in this neighborhood?
He must have dressed in the dark.
There’s one other thing to keep in mind about your so-called private decisions: not only are your decisions known and judged by others, but they also affect others. Every decision I make personally and professionally affects other people, every single one. They may seem to be private decisions, but each has public ramifications—repercussions that reach beyond my personal and professional life. As a pastor, every decision I make regarding our church affects a lot of people. The same is true in my roles as father and husband.
The same is true for you.
You are not the only person affected by your choices. Chances are, your professional and financial security are not the only things on the line when you make business- and money-related decisions, and we’ve already seen how the consequences of our moral choices can scar others. The news is filled with stories of how thousands of employees can be adversely affected by the foolish decisions of a few greedy executives. All of us know of families that have been splintered because of a decision made by a son or daughter—a decision made in the moment with no thought of how it might impact anyone else. We all know kids who are growing up without a father in the house because Dad made a relationship decision that he thought was nobody else’s business.
It may have been none of your business whom your brother or sister chose to marry, but it has impacted your life in some way, hasn’t it? As a teenager you convinced yourself that what you did with and to your body was nobody else’s business. But you eventually discovered that the consequences of what you chose to do with your body impacted everyone who loved you.
Private decisions have public consequences.
So since your personal decisions will be seen by, judged by, and experienced by others, why not involve others to begin with? Why not benefit from the insight you will be judged by? While it is true t
hat what you choose to do may not be anybody’s business, it is equally true that much of what you do will become other people’s business. They’re going to know, they’re going to judge, and they might even be significantly affected. So why not invite a few choice people into the decision-making process with you? It certainly won’t hurt anything. In fact, it could make all the difference in the world.
Have you ever stopped and thought about the irony of professional athletes having coaches? Think about it. Why would a guy who can throw a ninety-five-mile-per-hour fastball over the corner of a rubber plate sixty feet and six inches away need advice on how to pitch from an older fellow who may have trouble seeing the plate from that far? Why? Because professional athletes know from experience something wise people seem to grasp intuitively.
Every professional athlete knows that he or she will never reach, nor maintain, peak performance apart from outside input. Granted, the superstar pitcher may be the one with the skill, youth, money, and fame. But none of that is enough to keep him performing at his peak. He needs a coach. He needs another set of eyes and another source of insight to help him judge his performance realistically.
Not coincidentally, men and women who consistently make the right moves relationally, professionally, and financially are those who seek input from others. Again, they know what they don’t know and aren’t afraid to go to those who do know. And this private habit results in very public success.
Incapable and Insufficient
You will never be all you’re capable of being unless you tap the wisdom of the wise people around you. Sure, you may get by. You may even do better than most other people. But you will never reach your full potential without help and advice from the outside. This is true professionally, spiritually, financially, and even relationally. I say even relationally because it can feel so unnatural to seek relational advice, especially at the outset of a relationship.
Think about this. We trust our own feelings going into relationships, whether it’s dating, marriage, or business partnerships. Then we cast our lots with lawyers and counselors when leaving those same relationships. Imagine how much pain and chaos would be avoided if people sought wise counsel during the early stages of key relationships instead of putting so much stock in their feelings.
Most of us know what it’s like to seek counsel on the back end of a relationship that is spinning painfully out of control. Whether it is marriage counseling, pregnancy counseling, or family counseling, it is an attempt to address relational issues that at one time we thought were nobody’s business. Again, we have to wonder how much of that could have been avoided if we had sought wise counsel before making the decisions that led to the need for wise counsel on the back end.
If you have kids who are old enough to date, you are probably all over this. There’s so much you would like to tell them—so many warning signs you would like to point out along the way. You are convinced that if they would just listen to what you have to say, they could avoid a broken heart or worse. But alas, they’re a lot like you, aren’t they? Not really that interested in what somebody else has to say until things get so painful or complicated that they are forced to listen.
If asking yourself, “What’s the wise thing for me to do?” is so helpful, almost equally as helpful is asking someone else, “What do you think is the wisest thing for me to do?” As a parent, there were times I would have paid big bucks to get my children to ask me that question and mean it. I’m sure my parents would have paid to get me to ask it as well.
Wise and Wiser
One of the realities of being a preacher’s kid is that I grew up hearing stories about the complicated situations people had “behaved” themselves into. Looking back, I realize my dad had an agenda in telling me all those stories. I’ve done the same thing with my kids. If it has the same effect on them as it did on me, then so much the better.
The moral of nearly every one of these stories is, “They should have listened.” People failed because they didn’t listen to God, their parents, their friends, or some other voice of reason. Partly because of all those stories, I grew up with a healthy respect for sin. Actually, fear may be a better description. But I also grew up knowing that it would serve me well to listen.
Why not pause long enough to listen to the people who have faced what we’re facing, people who have already been through what we’re about to go through and are wiser for their experience? Experience is a good teacher, especially if it is other people’s experience. There’s no point in learning something the hard way if someone else has already paid that price.
I am a better husband because of the wise counsel I received before I said, “I do.” Sandra and I have been much wiser parents because of the incredible insights we learned from the men and women we sought counsel from through the years. I know I am a much better leader because of the advice I have received from the seasoned leaders around me. I don’t know if it is fear, insecurity, or wisdom, but I just don’t make big decisions without outside input. I don’t want to find out what I “should have done” after it is too late to do anything about it.
When we receive wise counsel after a decision has been made, it is nothing more than a reminder of how wise we could have been had we asked. But let’s face it; sometimes we don’t want to ask, do we?
For Him Who Has Ears
Some time ago I was wrestling with what I considered a complicated staffing decision. For several nights I talked Sandra’s ear off about how complex this situation was and how difficult it was to decide what to do. I reviewed the pros and cons of every option. I expounded on my history with all the personalities involved. I vented my thoughts, my disappointments, and my grievances. But I couldn’t decide what would be the wise move.
Sandra listened patiently. But it didn’t take long for her to see what was really going on: I knew what I had to do; I just didn’t want to do it. So instead, I just kept talking about it. And talking about it. And talking about it. Now, Sandra could have called my bluff, but she is a wise woman who knew it was more important to help her self-deceived husband make the right decision than it was for her to make a point. So instead she asked me, “Why don’t you call Steve and see what he thinks you should do?”
Steve is one of the wisest men I know, especially when it comes to sorting out personnel issues. Furthermore, I had spent a lot of time with Steve. He had walked me through some truly difficult relational issues. In the process he taught me some invaluable principles that later became reference points for all my relational decisions. I had spent so much time with Steve that often I knew what Steve was going to suggest before he had a chance to suggest it.
Sandra knew that.
When she suggested I call Steve, I blurted out, without thinking, “I know what Steve would tell me to do.” Sandra just smiled. Mission accomplished.
Face it. One of the primary reasons we don’t seek counsel from the wise people around us is that we already know what we are going to hear—and we just don’t want to hear it. After all, deceiving ourselves requires a lot of maneuvering, a lot of intentionally dodging the warning signs along the way. The last thing we want is the opinion of an astute individual who will see through our elaborate charades and call us on it!
Several years ago, a couple in our church asked me if I would perform the marriage ceremony for their daughter. I don’t do many weddings, but I had known this family for quite a while, so I agreed. My last words to them were, “Have Debbi call my assistant, and we can set up some premarital counseling.”
A few weeks later, the mother of the bride made an appointment to see me. That was a bit unusual, but I agreed to meet with her. “We love Debbi’s fiancé,” she told me. “We think he’s perfect for her. But he’s been married before, and I want to know what you think about that.”
I asked how long ago the man had been divorced. She said he had been separated from his wife for two years. Once again I asked, “How long has he been divorced?”
“Three month
s,” she said.
Then I asked a question I knew she didn’t want me to ask. “How long has Debbi been seeing Tony?” She hemmed and hawed and finally admitted that they had met a little over a year ago.
As the conversation progressed, I realized why she had come. The mother of the bride was interviewing me. Before she subjected her daughter and future son-in-law to my premarital counseling, she wanted to make sure that I wasn’t going to say or do anything to throw a kink in their plans.
I informed her that our church had a policy not to remarry anyone until he or she had been divorced at least two years, and that depending upon the circumstances, we might suggest an individual wait even longer.
She shook her head and said, “That’s what I had heard.”
A few weeks later, she called to inform me that they were making other arrangements. I wasn’t surprised. But I was mystified. Why would a mother want to shield her daughter and future son-in-law from questions designed to help them think clearly about one of the most important decisions they would ever make? Who would be so foolish as to prioritize a wedding over a marriage? And besides, if Mom was so sure they were perfect for each other, what possible harm could come from their meeting with me? Wouldn’t love find a way? Maybe not. Or maybe she wasn’t as sure as she pretended to be. Perhaps there was something she didn’t want to face. Perhaps there were some realities she and her daughter were working hard to dodge. And dodge them they did. They must be proud.
Mirror Check
As we saw earlier, the Bible has a term for the person who refuses wise counsel: fool. Solomon indicated how failure to listen to advice is “the way of fools” (Proverbs 12:15). In our culture it sounds harsh to refer to someone as a fool, so we soften it by saying, “He acted foolishly” or “How could I have been so foolish?” But the reality is, when we refuse to listen, when we dodge the truth, when we insist on having our own way—we’re fools.