Melancholy

by Bella Jewel

  Maddox’s eyes flare and he growls, “Leave.”

  “Like now,” I demand.

  Ash laughs. “I think you better listen, she looks like she’s about to rip his clothes off. You look hot, by the way,” she says to Maddox.

  Krypt glares at her.

  “Oh stop it. No one is as hot as you. Come on.”

  He shakes his head, and he and Mack walk past me. Mack leans in as he goes past and whispers, “Take it easy on him, tiger.”

  Then they’re all gone.

  I don’t hesitate; I walk forward, climbing onto the bed. I lean over Maddox and I kiss him. I kiss him so hard and so deep his breathing quickly turns ragged and feral little hisses leave his throat. He kisses me right back, just as hard and just as sweet. Mmmmmm. I pull back after a few minutes and whisper, “You’re so fucking hot.”

  He laughs and curls his hand around the back of my neck. “If you look at me like that for the rest of my life, I’ll die a happy fuckin’ man.”

  “If you look like this for the rest of your life, there’ll be no problem with me doing that.”

  He chuckles and pulls me into his side.

  “It was the best fuckin’ day of my life when I found you, Santana.”

  My heart thuds and I snuggle in closer. “For me, too.”

  “I’m gonna marry you when this shit is over, then I’m gonna put a baby inside you...”

  “So romantic,” I giggle.

  He runs a finger down my arm. “I’m goin’ to be fuckin’ you real slow when I put a baby in you, that’s romantic.”

  I flush. “Slow?”

  “Real slow.”

  “Mmmmm.”

  “Tana?”

  “Yeah?”

  He pulls me closer. “Best fuckin’ day...you hear me?”

  “Yeah, handsome.”

  “Want to know what else you need to hear?”

  I nod into his chest.

  “I love you.”

  Shit. There goes my heart.

  “Jesus,” I whisper. “I love you, too.”

  “Then nothin’ else fuckin’ matters.”

  He’s right about that. Nothing else does matter.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

  Two weeks later

  “You have to tell him,” Ash says, pacing the bedroom.

  “He’ll flip,” I panic, rocking on the bed. “We just spent a few days burying people he loves, it’s not the right time.”

  “He’ll understand,” Pippa says, rubbing my back. “It’ll help him...trust me.”

  “No,” I croak. “He won’t. He said after this shit is over...after...not before.”

  “He’ll understand,” she repeats.

  “Your sister is right,” Ash soothes. “Come on, you have to tell him.”

  “Can’t...oh God...”

  “He’s at the club, why don’t we take you over and you can talk to him?” Ash suggests.

  “No way!”

  “Santana,” she warns. “I’m puttin’ it down to you in a way I don’t want to have to. You go and fucking tell him, or I will.”

  I jerk my head up. “Seriously?”

  She crosses her arms. “Hell yes.”

  “I hate you.”

  “Oh you so don’t.”

  Pippa giggles from behind me.

  “It’s not funny,” I snap.

  “It kind of is.”

  I can’t help but soften at the sound of my sister’s giggles. It’s a sound I’m still relishing. She’s been doing so well, and seeing her happy makes it all worthwhile. She spends two days a week with counselors, which really seems to help. The other few days she spends with me at home, just adjusting to her new life.

  “Fine,” I say, dropping my head into my hands. “But he’s going to flip.”

  Ash helps me off the bed and I stare down at the positive pregnancy tests lying all over it.

  Boy am I in trouble.

  ~*~*~*~

  “Ohhhh Maddox!” Ash calls as soon as we enter the club.

  “Stop it,” I say, shoving her.

  She turns and shoves me back. “You stop it. Brat.”

  “Bitch.”

  “Preggers.”

  I gape at her and she bursts out laughing.

  “You’ll pay for that,” I growl.

  “What are you going to do?”

  I shove her again. She shoves me back. Both of us trying not to laugh. Pippa stares between us, shaking her head with her own ghost of a smile.

  “Ladies?”

  We both turn to see Maddox, Mack and Krypt standing at the bar.

  Ash shoves me forward. “Santana has something to tell you, Maddox.”

  He turns to me, a piece of his new short hair dropping down over his forehead. Sheesh he’s good looking. He’s up and about now, though he’s not really meant to be riding. He still sneaks one here and there. His eyes flicker to me and he tilts his head to the side, trying no doubt, to guess what I’m about to drop on him.

  “You’re going to pay for this,” I snap at Ash as I edge closer to Maddox.

  He’s still watching me, his expression showing his confusion.

  “Can we...ah...talk?”

  He nods, taking my hand and turning, leading me down the hall to his office. When we’re in, he closes the door and pulls me to the couch, where we sit. I don’t look at him; instead I pull my hand from his and place them in my lap.

  “Santana...”

  I swallow. God. He’s going to flip.

  “Ah, so, ah...”

  “Santana,” he warns. “Speak.”

  “It’s just...well...”

  He takes my chin, forcing me to look at him. His eyes study my face and he leans in, brushing his lips across mine. I sink into him a little. It might be the last kiss I get for a few days when he finds out what I’ve so stupidly done.

  “Come on, honey,” he murmurs against my mouth. “Tell me.”

  I pull back, taking a deep breath. “Well, the thing is...I um...well...when we were away I didn’t take my pill.”

  His body flinches and his eyes widen. Oh no. Here we go.

  “And...” he says, his voice low.

  “Well. Ah. Shit.”

  “Santana,” he growls.

  “I’m pregnant, Maddox.”

  Silence. Dead silence.

  I look up, terrified. He’s staring at me, his eyes fixed on my face. There’s nothing in his expression. I can’t tell if he’s angry or happy or sad...

  “You’re...pregnant?”

  “Yes,” I squeak. “I found out yesterday and-”

  He cuts me off with a holler that’s so loud I leap backwards with a squeal. Then he stands, drops his shoulder into my belly and lifts me into the air. He’s got one broken collarbone and a broken arm, but he uses his good shoulder and good arm to throw me over him. This isn’t good. He’ll make his injuries worse.

  “Maddox!” I cry.

  He literally charges out of the office and down the hall. I pound his back, knowing he shouldn’t be carrying me like this, but he doesn’t care. He reaches the bar and roars, “I’m gonna be a fuckin’ dad!”

  The men erupt in cheers and hoots, and I can’t help but laugh. Maddox puts me down, pulling me into his arms and planting kisses on my face. Ash is squealing and jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Pippa is laughing, her face bright. Happy.

  When I’m finally back on my feet, Maddox drops to his knees in front of me, circling my waist and pulling my belly to him. “We’re gonna have a fuckin’ baby!” he breathes, pressing his lips to the shirt covering my stomach. Tears well up in my eyes as I stare down at the big man kneeling before me.

  “We’re going to have a baby,” I whisper.

  “I fuckin’ love you, Santana.”

  He pulls me close and drops his forehead to my belly. His sign of love. His sign of affection. I smile through my tears and wrap my arms around his head. Two years ago I was alone, thinking my sister was dead and that I’d never find my happily ever a
fter. Now I’ve got her back and the man I love is cradling me as our child slowly grows inside my belly.

  I’m going to have a family, one of my very own. I lost everything, yet slowly...really slowly...

  I’m getting it all back.

  EPILOGUE

  2014 - Santana

  A knock sounds at Mack’s door, and I put the cookies I was baking down and wipe my hands on my apron. It’s his birthday and Pippa, Ash and I have spent the morning baking for when he arrives home. I try to remove as much flour off my hands as I make my way to the door. I open it and see a woman standing on the front step, a baby in her arms.

  “Can I help you?” I ask.

  “Ah...” she looks at me, confused. “I’m looking for...Miakoda...”

  “Mack?” I say, wondering who she is.

  “Yes.”

  “He’s not here right now, did you want me to call him?”

  She stares down at the bundle in her arms, and then looks back up at me. “Please.”

  I nod and pull out my phone, dialing Mack’s number.

  “What’s your name?” I ask.

  “Tracy.”

  I give her a warm smile, wondering who she is. I’ve never heard Mack mention a Tracy before.

  “Yeah.”

  “Mack, it’s Santana. There’s a lady here to see you...she says her name is Tracy.”

  Silence.

  “What?”

  “A woman...at your door. Her name is Tracy.”

  More silence.

  “Fuck.”

  “Ah...”

  “I’m comin’.”

  Then he hangs up. Interesting. I look back up at the woman and smile again. She looks terrible. She’s got long, black hair that’s dull and the darkest blue eyes I’ve ever seen. Her skin is pale and she’s skinny...really skinny.

  “He’s on his way. Can I get you a drink?”

  “No, I’ll wait here.”

  I nod, but don’t leave her side. I make small talk until the rumble of a Harley Davidson fills the quiet street. She turns and we both watch as Mack pulls up. He throws his leg over the bike and walks up the front path, but stops dead when he sees her and the baby in her arms.

  Oh man.

  “Tracy?” he says, his eyes still on the bundle in her arms.

  “Miakoda...I’m sorry to have to do this, but...I had no choice.”

  “What are you doin’ here?”

  I should turn away, but I can’t.

  “This is what she wanted...I had to follow her wishes...”

  She? She? Who is she?

  Mack’s face pales.

  “Tracy...” he says. “Why are you here?”

  “Ingrid died...there was an accident and...”

  Mack looks like someone just punched him in the face. His entire body flinches and he takes a step back. This isn’t good. I don’t know who Ingrid is, but it’s clear she meant something to him.

  “What?” he rasps.

  “Car accident. She died and...”

  He shakes his head. “No,” he rasps. “I saw her...only twelve months ago.”

  “I’m sorry, Mack.”

  “She fuckin’ left me,” he roars. “She left me twelve months ago, and I couldn’t fuckin’ find her...now here you are tellin’ me she’s dead?”

  Oh no. This isn’t good.

  “She left because...she left because...” she looks down at the child and it clicks. Oh no. Uh oh. “She was pregnant.”

  Mack actually takes a few steps back, his hand pressing to his heart. “You’re lying...”

  Tracy shakes her head. “She was scared. She didn’t think you would stick around...things were rocky between the two of you. She was going to tell you, after he was born she started looking for you, but...there was an accident and...”

  “No!” Mack bellows.

  I walk past Tracy, carefully approaching Mack.

  “Don’t fuckin’ come near me!” he roars.

  Oh shit.

  “She did up a will...she made it clear what she wanted to happen to Diesel if something was to take her...”

  Diesel. That’s Maddox’s middle name.

  “What did you call him?” Mack breathes, panting.

  “She called him Diesel after your brother. She knew how much you loved Maddox and...”

  “No!” Mack roars again.

  She turns the baby over, showing his face. God he couldn’t be more than a few months old, the poor little thing. There’s no missing it though, even at this young age. He’s got a mop of dark hair, the brownest eyes I’ve ever seen, and his skin is a gorgeous light olive. That is a mini Mack...no doubt. God, he’s beautiful.

  I turn slowly to Mack and he’s staring at the baby, panting so hard his body is shaking.

  “That ain’t my kid...”

  “It is...and you need to take him, Miakoda. You’re all he’s got left. You know it was only Ingrid and I...we don’t have anyone else who can take him.”

  “You take him,” Mack says, his voice frantic.

  “You know I can’t...I have four kids and I’m struggling. I can’t give him the life he needs. She wanted you to have him, please don’t make me send your son out for adoption.”

  “No,” Mack says, his hands on his head.

  He backs up towards his bike.

  “No.”

  “Mack,” I say.

  “NO!”

  He turns and paces towards his bike, getting on. It roars to life and he disappears. Shit. I turn to Tracy, who has tears running down her cheeks. Dammit. I walk over, placing a hand on her shoulder. Ash and Pippa are at the door, watching the whole thing go down, silent.

  “It’s okay,” I soothe. “I promise it’ll be okay.”

  “I can’t take him with me,” she sobs. “He needs to be with his dad.”

  “He will be, I promise you that. Mack will come around – he will.”

  She turns to me, dark blue eyes scanning my face. “Are you his girlfriend?”

  “No,” I say quickly. “I’m Santana...I’m with Maddox.”

  She nods. “I’ve heard of you...”

  “It’ll be okay,” I assure her, even though I’m not sure it will.

  “I have to go and...” she stares down at Diesel. “I can’t take him.”

  “I can take him,” I offer.

  “If Miakoda doesn’t accept him... I can’t just leave him if he won’t accept him, and...”

  “What choice have you got?” I say softly. “If you take him you’re going to have to take him straight to an adoption center. You leave him here; we have the chance to bring Mack around. I promise you, Tracy, right here and now...I won’t let anything happen to him.”

  She studies me, really studies me. “You’ll take care of him?”

  “He’s my nephew, in a sense, so yes. I promise you no harm will come to him. If Mack refuses to accept him, I’ll make sure he goes to the most loving home, but not before I do everything in my power to keep him with us.”

  “Santana,” Ash says from behind me.

  I turn and stare at her. “He’s family, Ash. We’re taking him.”

  Facing Tracy again, I say. “I promise you.”

  Tracy is crying heavily now, God the poor woman. I can’t help it; I pull her in for a hug. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

  “She was all I had left,” she sobs. “The only family I had...now she’s gone, and...”

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  “This baby was her life, I can’t bear to see him left without a family, too.”

  “He won’t be, I’ll do everything I can to make sure of that.”

  And I will. There’s no way I’ll just let Mack run from this, and if he does then I’ll find someone who will give this little baby the love he deserves. We’re a family now, all of us, the entire club...this little man is a part of that.

  Tracy, sobbing, lowers her face and kisses the baby. My heart breaks.

  “Can I...can you please let me know what happens?”<
br />
  “Of course,” I whisper, my emotions getting the better of me.

  “And...maybe I can visit...bring my kids to see him.”

  “Of course.”

  She nods, tears still running down her cheeks. “I would have taken him, but...I can barely feed my kids...it’s not fair.”

  “I understand,” I say, my voice shaky. “We’ll let no harm come to him.”

  With a heart-wrenching sob, she extends her arms and hands the tiny bundle to me. My heart breaks and tears spill down my cheeks as I stare at the baby, who looks just like his daddy. He’s so warm, he smells so beautiful. My own baby hormones erupt and I begin sobbing, too. Ash rushes down, taking the baby from my arms.

  I reach out and hug Tracy, because I can’t imagine how this feels for her. She holds onto me for a long while, and then lets go.

  “Here’s my number,” she croaks, pulling out a tiny slip of paper. “Please...let me know he’s okay.”

  “I promise.”

  She nods and with one last broken stare at the baby, she leaves. My shoulders slump as I watch her car disappear. I turn to the small bundle in Ash’s arms.

  “Shit’s going to hit the fan.”

  She stares at the baby. “You’re right about that.”

  ~*~*~*~

  “What the fuck were you thinkin’?” Maddox growls, pacing the living room.

  I’ve got Diesel tucked tightly in my arms, sitting on the couch. We’re still waiting for Mack to come back.

  “It’s his son, Maddox.”

  “And he’s losin’ his shit somewhere. It wasn’t your choice to make.”

  “Seriously?” I cry. “You would rather I let her give him up for adoption? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  He stops, sighs, and turns to me. “Fuck...no...that’s not what I want. But Mack is goin’ to be in a bad way...he can’t look after a kid.”

  “I can...”

  “You’ve got our baby growin’ inside you, you need to be there when he or she is born. You can’t be this baby’s mother...”

  “No, but I can take care of him and help Mack until he figures something out. If this baby gets put up for adoption, it needs to be by him, Maddox.”

  “I know that,” he mutters, staring at the ceiling.

  “Until then, there are enough ladies in the club to make sure he is taken care of.”

  “Fuck.”

  “Yeah,” I agree.