by A. R. Ammons
along the coast:
5160no small craft to
enter heavy water:
(the gulls are safe:
on the ground, they stand
erect into the wind
5165that divides from
the beak around them:
in the air—why, the
wind can’t harm what’s
on the wing)
5170too much stability
can’t prepare
for the day
resilience is the style:
go up with the wind,
5175fall sideways,
wings taut to balance,
into the wind:
handling
(winging) what disturbs,
5180use of & victory over:
took down the tree:
undressed it:
stripped off
bright red
5185& frosted yellow balls
& blue bells: unwaved
draping ropes of tinsel:
lines of twinkle-lights
falling straight from
5190a top circle
like bars in a hoop,
disbranched:
heaved it,
stiff, shriven, out the
5195back door
into the rain:
silly tree:
lying there, shorn
of meaning, some
5200strips of tinsel
glistering
with sorrow of old joys:
an old woman
glittering
5205with jewels &
timeless paint:
beauty that’s been used
can’t comprehend
the special contempt
5210of loss: lifts its
wrinkled chin
& lets
tears dance,
held in a stubborn
5215survival of will:
or
maybe
the tree,
naked,
5220caught with a ragged
glitter on,
welcomes
the return of its own
dead
5225branches
to their natural
configuration
and loves the cold
beading
5230& hanging on
of rain,
in that remnant truth,
alive:
or maybe
5235knew
better than the beholders
and even at the moment
of its highest shining
a perishing
5240that drove rain
among its ornament:
(I forgot what
I was going to write
about today)
5245(it was going to start out
something like—wise up,
you guys)
have I prettified the
tragedies,
5250the irrecoverable
losses: have I
glossed over the
unmistakable evils:
has panic
5255tried to make a flower:
then, hope distorts
me:
turns wishes into lies:
I care about the statement
5260of fact:
the true picture
has a beauty higher
than Beauty:
minds
5265that have made so much
effort,
learned all over
again
the alphabets,
5270the battles,
architectures,
vegetables,
monarchs,
philosophies—
5275minds
unique with memories,
of conversations,
bodies,
homesteads,
5280degenerate, wear thin,
wear out,
and the woven,
worked fabric
disperses:
5285the fragments
lose meaning:
the light
that was on each fragment
goes out:
5290I know
the standing on loose
ground:
I know the
violence, grief, guilt,
5295despair, absurdity:
the sky’s raw:
the star
refuses our wish,
obliterates us with
5300permanence,
scope of its
coming & going:
I know what it is
to feel around in
5305the dark
for a hold
& to touch
nothing:
we must bear
5310the dark edges of
our awareness:
taken in our measure,
we’re unexcelled:
perceptions:
5315appetites & satiations:
beside the terror-ridden
homeless man
wandering through
a universe of horror
5320dwells
the man at ease
in a universe
of light:
let’s tend our
5325feelings &
leave the Lord
His problems
(if any): He
got us this far on His own:
5330& millions have come
& gone in joy
(predominantly):
2 JAN:
today
feels above freezing & is
5335sunshiny: so
bright on the tape, I
squint,
inhibited & frustrated:
don’t want to close the
5340blinds: three plants
in here
(besides the
crown-of-thorns): they’ll
use the sun
5345soon as it moves over
a little:
feels good on my back:
I thought I’d thrown off
that cold yesterday (plenty
5350of grapefruit
& water)
but I feel stuffy again
this morning:
ragged vocal cords:
5355the soul accepts areas of
reality
that are machineries to
gratification: income,
praise, sexual pleasure:
5360but when the areas
return
frustration &
loss of self-esteem, the
soul shrinks back into
5365detachment, cold &
uncommitted:
no one questions
pleasure or the
reality of its
5370source:
mazes here: shifts,
compensations, balances,
impositions, demands,
dislocations, exchanges:
5375working together,
out, & against:
some areas clearing into
resolution:
one fellow says, get
5380money: the wealthy are
excused: wealth, in a
hard world, is
proof:
another says, do
5385what you’re here
to do: money’s
secondary:
success or failure:
terms of definition:
5390another fellow says,
be successful:
when authority is
multiple &
self-contradictory, look
5395inside,
formulate & defend
your own authority:
many different sets
of things can work out
5400right:
they say creation is
thwarted unless
a man accepts & realizes
himself, stands open
5405& finished
/> as a flower:
what of the evil man?
is he evil because he
realized himself
5410or because he didn’t?
conflict between
self-realization &
society:
how’s the adjustment
5415to work out?
can society cut its
individuals down? can it,
without crumbling, bend
to accommodate them?
5420complicated, inconclusive,
organic,
working itself out: so
the center,
strongly rooted,
5425is rooted in motion:
a nexus
always becoming, its
strength
relatedness:
5430poured into an axiomatic
box
one pays the cost of his
security:
(may be a fair
5435buy—depends)
earth holds in motion
by poise
between gravity
& centrifugal
5440force:
the lichen’s safe
with the tree:
the tree lasts a long
time in the earth:
5445the ground
keeps still:
motion holds us
apart, related:
I send this ahead:
5450can you
take a liking
to the song?
when we meet,
will you shake hands,
5455offer me a drink?
will you tell me
how you’re moved by
fears & dreams & what
your plans are
5460& exactly
what you think about
when you wake up at night?
if I seem aloof
will you spot it as a
5465guard
& help me down? if I
act insincere,
will you know it’s my fear
you will expel me from
5470your sincerity?
see the roads I’ve
traveled
to come to you:
monsters I’ve engaged:
5475have I earned the grace
of your touch?
and if I sit blank,
hearing the high
conversation of
5480the Muse, listening
hard
to get the words right,
will you understand
I’ve not scorned you?
5485and if the song she
gives,
pressing in its naked
insistence, repels you,
will you
5490still allow me to serve
one
higher than your praise
or blame?
will you care for me
5495specially because of
that?
can you tolerate another
woman in the house?
high in the mid-forties:
5500mostly sunny & mild:
quantum physics
in human affairs:
the laws work
about the same
5505in bodies, morals, or
politics (or art)
but
the law
you can’t pin down is
5510the one coming:
ancient laws with
the built-in
possibility of novelty:
fellow said
5515everybody says “when my
ship comes in”
says
“they never sent one out”
one smart cookie:
5520says his ships return now
from so many directions
he can’t keep up:
&
every
5525one
loaded
with
money:
pure
5530money:
the economic forecast will
increase his fleet
if it comes true:
thirty yrs ago he didn’t
5535have nothing:
now there’s nothing he
can’t have:
(can’t have the
thirty yrs back,
5540but neither can
you)—
trouble is, he says, if
you can buy something you
don’t want it:
5545doesn’t want anything &
has a million bucks to
prove it:
he sacrificed & sent the
ships out:
5550I think he’s glad:
he’s a glad,
independent man: loves
a lot of inexpensive
things—bushes, roses,
5555maypops:
loves them with
complete ease,
not having to run
somewhere to do something:
5560apologize he
should be working: unh-unh:
talks with you in
detail
about rosehips (home-
5565grown)
as if nothing else in
the world mattered:
I knew another man who
worked just as hard,
5570spent every dime and now
is old & in a kind
of rant:
don’t ask me what you
should do:
5575if you decide to
sacrifice, you’ll
do the sacrificing—&
there’re no guarantees:
it’s your business:
5580figure it out
for yourself:
if you don’t look out
for yourself, who else
has the time?
558511:10 pm:
the eleven o’clock news
says
the plane that went down
in the early December
5590storm
was hit by lightning:
the pilot said
something like, “This is
flight 214: we are
5595going down in flames”:
& the tower said something
like,
“Flight 214: we have
your message”:
3 JAN:
5600today is warm & sunny:
may go up to 50:
the light seems
to have body,
& the crown-of-thorns
5605that lost nearly all
its leaves is
sprouting green tips
along the branches:
(one way of standing aside
5610from the fight
is to win it:
failure’s more despised
than cruelty)
my cold’s worse:
5615in the chest:
feel puffed &
weak: but
gotta keep moving along:
it’s impossible
5620there’s not an end to this
tape:
move along, little
dogies:
Wyoming must be somewhere:
5625don’t throw your heads
back to lick
shoulder flies:
don’t put that front leg
out
5630& bend to graze:
git on, for God’s sake:
that mountain’s
been ahead three days:
the sun strikes my
5635coffee & puts
a ring of light, like
Saturn, on the wall:
two poles
with bobbing center:
5640jiggling design:
(the conservation of
angular momentum:
transfers of energy
of motion:
5645there’re many levels &
at some of them
abstraction works:
like a charm)
the vine that (still
5650green) tangles under
the cherry tree
reminds me of a brain:
why?
it’s a vine:
5655or of a bed of sexual
nerves
intermingling:
or it’s the
held green,
5660the durable freshness, of
what keeps low,
undercover
(cherry tree & sumac
grove): or
5665it reminds me how
reality can go so many
ways
at so many levels
& still keep the “roundness”
5670of a clump:
discernible unity:
but it’s vine:
I put mirrors in it
& behold myself:
5675given mind, we became
strangers here:
with mind, we convert
strangeness
to humanness:
5680we unnaturalize:
4 JAN:
3:20 pm: today is near-
ly shot aready:
got up ear-
ly & drove
5685mother- & father-in-law to
Philly for train to Fla:
Phyllis & Mary came, too:
stopped on way back at
Korvette’s & traded in two
5690records Phyllis gave me
for Christmas—Elizabethan
& Jacobean songs: ugh:
I got 3 of Bach’s
cantatas instead:
5695somebody may have written
music before
or after Bach but
it wasn’t necessary:
& I like all kines of
5700music:
the day
dwindles
down:
warm again:
5705mid-fifties:
gladioli blades up,
scorched at the edges:
when came they up?
warm spell first part
5710of Dec:
too tall—5"—to’ve
sprung up in couple