Jax nods. “Yeah.” He pauses, then says, almost like he’s annoyed, “And I told my neighbor two days ago about his window. He freaked out, big-time, but we’re cool now.”
Ms. Lewiston smiles. “Jax, that’s fantastic. I’m really glad to hear it.” She leans down and rustles around in her bag. “Here. You earned it.” With that she arcs a handful of Starburst across the table.
Not surprisingly, Molly shrieks and reaches for them. Mayhem ensues, of course, with Jax, Molly, and Erik nearly killing each other for the red Starburst while Andre, Alice, and I watch. I catch Ms. Lewiston’s eye, and she smiles.
“Pssst. Theo.” She slides something across the table at me. It’s a caramel bull’s-eye.
I laugh, even though part of me feels shaky. I wanted to know. And now I do. But something still feels unfinished.
Date: Feb. 22
Name: Molly Claremont
What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?
Well, it’s kind of a long story. Or maybe it’s not. A group of boys—Kevin Hellson, Blaine Travis, Jude Moore, Shaun Wender—vandalized Theo’s photographs. I walked in and saw them doing it, but they just laughed and handed me a marker, and I didn’t want them to get mad; I wanted them to leave.
I drew on one of the photos.
Then they ran away, and I stayed there. And didn’t tell anyone.
What have you thought about since?
There hasn’t been a minute since it happened that I haven’t wished I had done things differently. That I haven’t wished I had never picked up the marker, that I had yelled right away.
But also…this whole week I’ve thought about Theo’s photographs, which are amazing, and how much they mean to him. I don’t love anything like he loves photography. I hadn’t really thought about it before. It must be nice, to care about something like that.
What about this has been hardest for you?
Lying. Lying again and again, right to Theo’s face.
What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?
I apologized, and Jax apologized, and Mr. Saunders’s son obviously didn’t have any idea what he was doing. As for Blaine and Kevin and Shaun and Jude…I have no idea. I mean, maybe if they did a Justice Circle and really “processed” it with Ms. Lewiston and Theo, they’d get somewhere. But if I’m honest…I doubt it. I guess that’s pretty unfair, though. They probably have their own stories.
Is there anything at all you’d like to share confidentially with Ms. Lewiston?
Just that I’m so sorry. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Name: Andre Hall
What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?
Like I said, I wasn’t even in the gallery, just my bag was. But I’ll tell you, this whole week has made me wonder if being invisible is such a good plan.
What have you thought about since?
I’ve been thinking a lot about Theo being brave enough to put the photos up, and how it would feel to let people at school know about my music. I don’t know. It could be cool. Scary, but cool.
What about this has been hardest for you?
Thinking Theo was getting messed with was scary, because it reminded me how easy it would be for me to be a target. I don’t like that feeling.
What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?
Theo needs to take more photos. They need to go back up on that wall.
Is there anything at all you’d like to share confidentially with Ms. Lewiston?
If I’m being honest, I’m kind of glad Alice never spoke up about my not being there, because it meant I spent the week here with these guys. And this week…I think it’s changed us. I don’t know exactly how, but things feel different now.
Name: Erik Estrale
What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?
This whole thing has been like a nail-biter playoff game…no idea who’s coming out on top, and the stakes are HUGE. This was the toughest game of my life, that’s for sure. It was the worst, sitting in the locker room and listening to the guys laughing, and slowly figuring out what they were cracking up about. What kind of person loves trashing someone else’s work? I hate—HATE—having to rat out my team. And I know they’re not bad guys. I get that Theo thinks they are. But I know them, and they can be really funny, and loyal to the team. But I can’t be down with what they did. I won’t do that. Even knowing what’s going on with Kevin and his parents, or that Shaun’s worried that he’s not really one of the team yet…that doesn’t really matter, you know? Once I knew they did it, I couldn’t un-know it.
What have you thought about since?
I’ve had to think A LOT this week. About how Alice and the other people in this Justice Circle are a lot more interesting than I knew. Even though I feel pretty bad about my friends—or, I guess I should call them my former friends—acting this way, I’m glad I got to know these guys a little bit. Like, maybe just because someone’s my teammate doesn’t mean they have to be my friend. And just because someone isn’t on my team doesn’t mean we can’t hang out.
What about this has been hardest for you?
Realizing that my friends would do something like that to Theo…that’s been pretty hard. You know that expression “You look like you lost your best friend”? I feel kind of like that.
Also, if I’m being honest, I was really bummed to miss the basketball clinic, and I know Coach is still pissed. I’ll be running wind sprints until I puke, and that’s a fact. But I guess it’s all worth it.
What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?
As soon as I told about what I heard, it felt like I put down a 130-pound bench-press weight. And we all know how good that feels. I feel pretty awesome, all things considered. Yesterday was downright brutal, because I told the truth, and then the cameras were trashed, and Theo freaked out, and I thought we were all going to be suspended anyway. I thought it was all over. Now Theo’s laughing and Jax is eating Starburst, and everyone’s smiling. It’s kind of like one of those Cinderella-story come-from-behind victories. And I love those.
Is there anything at all you’d like to share confidentially with Ms. Lewiston?
Just…maybe talk to Kevin and those guys. They’re not all bad, I promise.
Name: Alice Shu
What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?
It’s strange, answering this question again and again. At the time of the incident…I was thinking the same thing I said the first day. But if you ask what I’ve been thinking SINCE…that’s a different question. Here’s what I think:
1 Theo made assumptions about all of us, and about the school. He looked at the evidence and came up with a logical hypothesis: someone hated him and wanted to mess with him.
1 That hypothesis was based on faulty evidence. In a movie, the director makes things happen to present information in a certain light without giving everything away. So the main character sees things but doesn’t always know what they mean.
1 This Justice Circle was a good idea, though it didn’t always seem like it.
1 I need to be braver about speaking up. I should have spoken up.
What have you thought about since?
A series of unrelated decisions—some malicious and some honest mistakes—brought us here. Now that we’re here and the truth is out, what happens next is up to us.
What about this has been hardest for you?
Nothing, really! I had a pretty fun week. I wonder if these people will still be nice to me on Monday?
What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?
I doubt anyone else would want to do it, but I kind of want to keep this group together.
Is there anything at all yo
u’d like to share confidentially with Ms. Lewiston?
I wish
I need
I would like it if people like Kevin and Blaine would leave me alone. I would like it if people like Jax and Molly and Erik and Andre and Theo would not leave me alone. I’m not sure how to make that happen.
Name: Jax Fletcher
What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?
So now it’s out there. I forgot my planner, I was late, I ran right into the darkroom without looking. I completely screwed up, and the funny thing is, I didn’t even know I had done anything wrong until the next day, when Smitty told everyone. My first thought was all “Oh man, poor Theo. That sucks that someone messed up his stuff again, after that disaster in the gallery. But it wasn’t me.” And it wasn’t until later that I was like “AW NO! THAT WAS ME!”
Anyway, I should have told. Obviously I should have told.
What have you thought about since?
I’ve been freaking out all week, because I hate lying. But I REALLY didn’t want to get blamed for the graffiti and everything, and it didn’t seem worth it to speak up. But the thing is, the more you don’t tell, the more you CAN’T tell. It felt like if I told on Day One everyone’d be super mad that they had to come in for my screwup. And then by Day Four I…I didn’t want to tell Theo.
What about this has been hardest for you?
This kept growing into a bigger and bigger deal. And truth? It’s been stressing me out something serious. Like, not sleeping well, feeling bad and everything. And the more I hung with Theo, the worse it felt.
What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?
I was trying to make things as cool as I could here this week. Trying to make people laugh, trying to get Theo to make those new pinhole cameras. I guess I hoped I could make up for ruining his stuff without ever telling anyone. But it doesn’t work that way.
Is there anything at all you’d like to share confidentially with Ms. Lewiston?
That restorative justice stuff? That was seriously dope. I might want to learn how to run groups like that when I grow up. If I can get through middle school first.
Name: Theo Gustav
What happened and what were you thinking at the time of the incident?
I thought I knew what happened, even though I didn’t want to admit it to myself. I thought someone hated me, that someone in this school was targeting me again and again, and that everyone else either agreed that I was worth targeting, or just didn’t care, or wanted to laugh at me. I thought it was only going to get worse, and more humiliating, and I didn’t think anything that happened this week would make it better.
Turns out I was wrong about everything.
What have you thought about since?
I guess I’ve thought about the way we think about ourselves, and about everyone else. I was the victim, obviously, but after a few days I realized that I couldn’t really hold on to that feeling of being totally right. The fact is, I was judging my classmates just as much—maybe more—than they were judging me. And maybe we’re all the victims, and the…you know, perpetrators. Maybe.
What about this has been hardest for you?
I really really really didn’t want to think about how awful it felt to be the target of all this hate. I kept pretending it was only about my photos, and whoever did it has no artistic judgment. But it wasn’t just the photos. It was ME.
What do you think needs to be done to make things as right as possible?
Here’s the thing. I want people to know that Kevin and those guys did it, but I don’t want Molly to get in trouble. I realize that’s maybe unfair, but whatever. If it were up to me, that’s what I’d want.
The only thing that still kind of bugs me? I still feel like sharing my photographs is a bad idea. And I hate that. I don’t want to feel that way. I don’t know…I think maybe I’m not as brave as I thought I was.
Is there anything at all you’d like to share confidentially with Ms. Lewiston?
What’s weird is that in a way I think I was using the fact that this bad thing happened to make me bulletproof—thinking, “Hey, I’ve been wronged, I’m the victim here, so everyone owes me.” But…there were other victims too. And…I’m not saying this is at all my fault, but the truth is I’ve stood by plenty of times while other stuff has gone down at school. I get why people kept quiet.
I guess I never really thought about it, but everyone can be the victim, the bystander, or even the perpetrator, depending on the day.
Also, I guess I want to say thank you. I couldn’t have imagined the week would end this way.
We’re all scribbling away when the outer office door bangs. Alice squeaks and shoves her paper under her butt. The rest of us finish writing as Ms. Davis charges into the room. She has a streak of dust along the side of her black blazer and what looks like a cobweb on top of her head. I stare down at the conference table so I don’t laugh.
“I hope and assume you’ve maintained the detention rule of silence?” she asks, looking around. “I apologize, children, that I can’t remain in here today to finish this detention week appropriately.” She glares at Ms. Lewiston, who glares right back.
Alice is now gazing right at the cobweb, her mouth open.
I cough. “Um, Ms. Davis—”
Her eyes land on me and narrow. I can’t decide if she’s suspicious or confused or if in her case they’re the same thing.
“Mr. Gustav. May I ask why you’ve decided to return? You are excused from this detention. As the victim, you are not required to be here.”
Man, she really loves the word detention. It’s like each time she says it, she’s really saying “chocolate” or “raspberries.” The woman has serious issues.
I cough again. “I know. But the process we went through with Ms. Lewiston for the Justice Circle was really useful, and I kind of wanted to come back and finish it.”
Ms. Lewiston opens her mouth like she wants to say something, but the walkie-talkie screeches and we all cringe.
“Of all days!” Ms. Davis mutters, and reaches for it. “Yes? What is it, Roy? Over.”
We can all hear Mr. Saunders’s voice crackling through the walkie-talkie. “Ms. Davis, ma’am, I’m still down here in the storage room. I know you said to try stacking all the liquids on the far wall, but unfortunately when I was moving them, the file cabinet with all your old files tipped over, and now I’m trying to sort them back out. But your filing system’s a little confusing, so—”
Ms. Davis looks livid. Between the cobweb and her squinty eyes, she could be in one of Alice’s horror films. “Roy! My filing system was very specific. Please leave it. I’ll be right down. Over.”
We all stare in silence at the table, except Jax, who has his chin in his hands and is watching Davis like she’s the best YouTube video ever. She scowls at him and scratches at her neck, recoiling at the dust that comes off.
“I am needed elsewhere,” she says, and I silently send prayers of gratitude to Mr. Saunders.
She turns to me. “As I was saying, as the victim, Theo, you don’t need to be here. I can call your mother—”
“I’m not ‘the victim,’ ” I interrupt. “Or at least, that’s not all I am. That’s not the whole story. We’ve discussed it, and—”
But before I say any more, the walkie-talkie screeches again, and Davis gives a snort of annoyance. “Enough. I have to go, but rest assured that when I come back to dismiss everyone for the day, I will either have answers as to who the perpetrator is or I will be suspending all of you.”
She looks at me again, and her lips thin. “And while you have chosen to be here, you will please respect the rules of silence as well.”
With that, she sweeps out of the room in a move that would be dramatic if she didn’t have a paper towel stuck to her shoe and ano
ther huge cobweb across her butt.
Once she’s gone, everyone relaxes. Alice pulls her paper out from under her and hands it to Ms. Lewiston. Once Ms. Lewiston has collected them all, she reads through them, nodding as she reads.
When she’s done, she looks up. “Okay. Here’s the thing.” She leans back and looks around. “I am so, so proud of you kids. This has been a hard week. Heck, this has been a hard year. Some of you are walking through fire right now, and you are doing it with grace and grit.” Her eyes stray to Molly, and she gives a soft smile. “But let’s do this. Let’s stop fronting and be honest.
“Molly, love. You need to get some help. You can’t keep this up, even if you are the most organized, hardworking seventh grader the world has ever seen. You cannot parent your parents while they mourn. It doesn’t work that way.”
Molly doesn’t say anything, but nods, tears pooling in her eyes.
“So this group is going to help. Right?” she continues, looking around at us.
We all make uh-huh noises, except Alice, who cries, “Of course!”
“I’m going to talk to the school counselor about getting names of some therapists for your parents and for you. And what about you guys? How do you think you can help?”
We’re all silent for a minute. I think about my mom, whose default way of helping is to bring people books or meals. We could definitely bring some meals over to Molly’s house, so at least she doesn’t have to cook.
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