Breaking Shaun

by E. M. Abel

  “Shaun, someone is here to see you.”

  I looked up from my computer screen and eyed him for a second before responding, “Okay.”

  I wasn’t expecting anyone to come by the shop, but it wasn’t unusual for the guys to stop by on occasion. I pushed my chair away from the desk and began organizing my paperwork when I saw movement in the doorway. Pausing, I looked up to see Cupcake standing there. Her hands were clasped in front of her, and she was looking at everything but me. I could feel her nervous energy from across the room.

  “Um…hi,” she muttered, her eyes finally meeting mine. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  After gesturing to the empty chair across from me, I sat down again as I watched her approach. I could tell whatever she had to tell me wouldn’t be good, and my heart began beating faster in my chest as she took her seat.

  She tucked her long brown hair behind her ear, and I could see her hand shaking before she rested it on her lap.

  “Is everything okay?” I asked, moving to rest my elbows on the desk.

  Her eyes came to me, and I saw fear in them. I just didn’t know why.

  “Um…no, not really,” she told me in a shaky voice.

  My eyebrows furrowed, and I studied her, trying to figure out what was wrong.

  “I’m pregnant.”

  My eyes widened and froze on hers as those words sank in.

  I’m pregnant.

  I was waiting for her to start laughing. I was searching for any sign that this was all just a bad joke, but she didn’t move. Our night together began flashing in front of my eyes—me unbuttoning her dress, her asking me to fuck her, the drunken haze, kissing, tangled limbs…no condom. I hadn’t used a condom, and now, she was pregnant.

  I stood up, and my chair rolled backward. Rachel gasped, surprised by my sudden movement.

  Rachel—that’s her name, right?

  Shit.

  How long ago were we together? Is she keeping it? Is it too late?

  “How? I mean…Jesus. I’m sorry. This is…” I couldn’t fucking talk. I couldn’t even think straight. Pushing my hand through my hair, I started pacing the floor behind my desk.

  “I’m sorry. I was on the pill, but with all the stress from breaking up with Nathan, I must have missed some. I don’t know,” she admitted as her gaze moved back to her lap.

  This can’t be happening. This has to be a mistake.

  “Are you sure it’s mine?” I stopped pacing and faced her.

  She gave me a sympathetic look. “Yeah, it’s yours. I haven’t been with anyone else, and before you, it had been a month since…” Her voice faded, and her eyes began to well with tears.

  “How long? I mean, how long have you known?”

  “A few weeks.”

  I nodded as I took my seat again. Maybe it’s not too late. “So, what are you going to do? Do you need me to help you get an appointment…or something?”

  She shook her head as I held my breath. Her next words were going to determine the rest of my life, and all I could do was wait.

  “I’m having it. I can’t get an abortion. I just thought you had a right to know. I plan to…I plan to give it up for adoption.” She straightened her back, seemingly confident in her decision.

  Adoption? I sat there in shock as I searched her eyes—for what, I wasn’t sure.

  I felt like my world was spinning. She was going to have my baby and give it up for adoption.

  Adoption. That meant I’d never see it. I’d never know my own child. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  Do I have a right to argue? Do I have a right to my own child? Do I want it?

  I couldn’t raise a child on my own. I couldn’t even remember to take my trash out.

  What the fuck am I supposed to do?

  She moved to stand up, and I stopped her by getting up and coming around the desk. My eyes moved to her stomach, but I didn’t see anything. My baby was inside of her, and before I even had a chance to accept it, she was already taking it away.

  “Please wait. You’ve got to give me a minute to process all of this.”

  Cupcake looked up at me as she leaned back into her chair. “I know this is a lot. I considered not saying anything, but I thought you had a right to know.”

  I nodded as I moved to squat in front of her. “Are you sure? Are you sure you want to give it up? I could help, you know? I’ll share custody, I’ll pay child support…whatever you want.”

  She shook her head and moved her gaze to the floor. “I can’t. My parents will disown me if I keep it. I’m still in school. I can’t raise a baby alone.”

  “But you wouldn’t be alone. I’ll help.”

  Lifting her eyes to mine again, I could see her tears spilling over and streaming down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t. The baby would be better with someone else.”

  My mind was working a mile a minute. I had to think of something. I had to do something before she left. “What if I want to keep it?”

  Her lips parted as she took in a breath. She hadn’t expected me to say that, and honestly, I hadn’t expected it either. We sat there, searching each other’s eyes, for a few seconds.

  “Do you?” she asked.

  My head dropped, and I sighed as I stared at the tiles on my office floor. Do I? “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want, but I do know that if I have a child in this world, I want it to know who I am.”

  She sniffed and pinched her lips between her teeth before nodding. I pressed my hand to my forehead and then rubbed my face with it a few times as I tried to process the last ten minutes.

  “I just want this baby to have a chance at a happy life, and if you think you can offer that…”

  Reaching out, I took both of her hands in mine and stared at her, hoping she would understand how serious this was to me. “If you don’t want this baby, I do. Please don’t sign anything. Don’t give it up for adoption. I’ll find a way. I’ll do whatever I have to do to make sure our baby is happy.”

  It was Thursday night, and I was working at Red. Trey had called in sick, so Mandy and I were busier than usual. It was fine with me though. I’d happily take the additional tips. Mandy and I worked well together, and we fell into a natural rhythm behind the bar.

  “Fancy seeing you here,” a man’s voice said to me.

  I was adding drinks to a customer’s tab, and my fingers paused over the screen. I looked to my right and saw Brad. I gave him a friendly but professional smile, and then I continued keying in the rest of the drinks.

  “I was hoping I’d get a call from you by now.” He reached over to grab a red stir stick, and he stuck it in his mouth.

  He was clearly drunk.

  “I’ve been busy,” I muttered before taking another order from a waitress.

  I began mixing drinks with my back aimed in his direction, but I knew he was still there. I could feel him watching me. When I went to enter more drinks into the computer, he leaned in close, the red stick still protruding from his mouth.

  “Did you get a boyfriend or something? Because I’m pretty sure we both enjoyed ourselves that night.”

  I cut my eyes to him but didn’t respond. I didn’t have a boyfriend, and for the first time, I wished I did. Brad was a nice guy—albeit, a little drunk at the moment. I was betting if I offered, he’d be more than happy to start a relationship with me—unlike Shaun, who seemed more than content to just be fuck buddies.

  “Okay…well, you still have my number in case you change your mind.” He gave me a wink as he pushed himself away from the bar, and then he walked away.

  A few seconds later, Mandy came to stand next to me, and she began pouring some vodka into a glass. “Wasn’t that the same guy who hit on you your first night?”

  I nodded as I wiped my hands on my apron.

  “What did he want?”

  “Seconds,” I told her as I started filling more orders.

  “Seconds? As in, he already had firsts?”<
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  I peered over at her, but I felt no need to respond. She already knew the answer.

  “What would Shaun think about that?”

  I shrugged.

  Shaun probably wouldn’t think anything. He’d been with plenty of women in his past. The longer I lived here, the more I was realizing just how many women he’d been with. It had seemed everyone who saw Shaun and me together felt the need to inform me of his bed-hopping and promiscuous behavior. Little did they know, I wasn’t an angel either, so I had no right to judge him—especially since he didn’t belong to me.

  I couldn’t sleep. I was questioning whether the afternoon had really happened at all. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to be a father, and I was going to do it alone. I had asked Rachel to give me her phone number, so we could keep in touch. I guessed I should be grateful that she seemed willing to cooperate with me. It could have been a lot worse if I had to fight her for my child.

  My child.

  My thoughts kept going to Natalie. We both had commitment issues, and having a baby was the epitome of commitment. I knew I would lose her once she found out, and that thought scared me just as much as becoming a father. I didn’t want to tell anyone—least of all, her. Saying it out loud would make it all the more true, and I wasn’t ready for that dose of reality yet.

  All my dreams of traveling the world and living a carefree life had ended the moment I got drunk and decided to have sex with a woman I didn’t know.

  If I had just used a condom…

  If I had just called her a cab instead of walking her home…

  All these what-ifs rolled through my mind, but none of them mattered. I’d made my choice, and now, I had to live with the consequences. One thing I couldn’t do was let my child be adopted. I would give up all my dreams before I let that happen.

  I couldn’t expect Natalie to understand, and I definitely didn’t expect her to stick around once she knew.

  What woman would want to take that on?

  I hadn’t even had the decency to offer Natalie a relationship, so I couldn’t ask her to be with me now and help me raise my baby. She’d spent so much of her life taking care of other people, carrying the burdens of everyone around her. It would be wrong to ask her to do the same for me, especially now that she was just starting to live.

  I had to let her go, no matter how much it would hurt. It wouldn’t be fair to make her choose. She deserved to leave me with a clear conscience, not with the guilt of knowing she left when I needed her the most.

  Saturday night, Natalie and I were walking toward Asia and Marcus’s house.

  Asia had invited all of us over to discuss their wedding. She’d insisted that it was a party, but she’d threatened our lives if we didn’t come. I’d had no idea that my sister took weddings so seriously, but apparently, she did.

  The house was surrounded with cars. Everyone was here.

  Natalie looked up and smiled at me. Her hair was in curls, and she had the side pinned back, away from her face. She was wearing that little black dress she’d worn the first time we were together, and she was breathtaking.

  “What?” she asked.

  I was staring at her as we stood at the front door, but I didn’t respond. I just pulled her toward me and kissed her.

  This was the first night I was with Natalie since I’d found out about Rachel’s pregnancy, and seeing Natalie dressed like that was making my decision to let her go so much harder.

  Her soft lips pressed against mine, and they tasted like strawberries. I licked to get a better taste, and she opened her mouth without hesitation.

  Another thing I love about her.

  We stood there, kissing, until someone walked up beside us, and I broke the kiss to see my dad and Samantha.

  My dad gave me a knowing smile before looking at Natalie. “Nice to see you again, Natalie.”

  She smiled and looked between the two of us, her cheeks growing red. “Nice to see you, too.”

  I cleared my throat and moved out of the way, so they could go inside. Seeing my dad with Samantha just reminded me of our conversation, and what I planned to do. It would only make me look like a bigger coward. I tried to push those thoughts out of my mind. I wanted to enjoy my night with Natalie and not taint it with thoughts of the inevitable end that was soon to come. I just hoped Natalie couldn’t see the fear and guilt burrowed underneath my skin, begging to come out.

  When we walked inside, I was surprised by our surroundings. Lit candles were everywhere, and white fabric was hanging from the ceilings and framing the main room. It looked like…like a wedding. Chairs were lined up in the living room, all facing the windows overlooking the ocean with the full moon lighting up the night sky.

  Other guests were already sitting, and I overheard someone say that no one had seen Asia or Marcus yet. Natalie and I looked at each other, and she gave me an I-have-no-idea look. I’d never been to any kind of wedding party. Maybe this was some weird training or something. Just as I started walking us toward some empty seats, Nick came and told me I needed to go with him.

  “What?”

  “I just need you to come with me for a minute.”

  I cocked an eyebrow at Natalie, and she shrugged.

  “Okay.”

  Nick had me stand on the left side of the front of the aisle that was formed down the center of the chairs, and then he announced that everyone should take a seat. I looked across the aisle, and Hailey was standing there, seeming just as confused as I was.

  “I guess this is the rehearsal,” Hailey whispered loudly across the aisle.

  “What the fuck is that?”

  She tilted her head to the side and pursed her lips before finally telling me, “It’s when you practice the ceremony, except I don’t know why all these people are here for the rehearsal.”

  Just as she finished, Hailey’s eyes grew wide as she was looking at something behind me. I turned around to see Marcus standing there in a suit—a really nice suit.

  “Hey, man. What the fuck is going on?” I asked as I looked him over.

  He seemed overdressed for just a rehearsal.

  Marcus gave me an anxious smile and took a deep breath. He looked nervous and excited at the same time. It was the same look he would have before skating in a big competition. He stood in front of me where he normally would be in a wedding, and his eyes were locked on the bottom of the stairs across the room. Just when I started to ask him again, a piano started playing, and all the lights in the room dimmed. I heard a few gasps, and I saw Hailey covering her mouth with her hands.

  When I looked back toward the stairs, I saw Asia in a beautiful white dress. Her long hair was curled and cascading down one of her bare shoulders. She looked beautiful and grown-up. It wasn’t until I noticed the look on my dad’s face as he walked her toward the aisle that I realized this wasn’t a rehearsal. This was the real thing.

  I searched the crowd for Natalie and watched as she sat there, smiling. She turned to look at me, and we grinned at each other before directing our attention back to the impromptu ceremony.

  The room was filled with smiling, shocked faces and whispers as my dad walked Asia down the aisle toward us. The sound of the piano playing the wedding march was echoing off the walls. Asia’s eyes were locked on Marcus’s, and I could see them glossing over with tears already. An older man in a suit came to stand behind Marcus, and he clasped his hands together in front of him.

  Wow. They’re actually doing this.

  When I turned my gaze back to the scene in front of me, my dad gave Asia a kiss on the cheek after whispering something into her ear that made her smile. Asia turned her attention to Marcus as he and my father shook hands. She glanced in my direction and gave me a bright smile. I couldn’t help but feel a swelling in my chest from seeing the amazing young woman my sister had become. I knew Marcus loved her more than anything in the world, and no matter what tried to come between them, they would survive it. They’d survived so much already.


  My dad placed Asia’s hand in Marcus’s and moved back to take a seat in the front row. When Asia moved in closer, they both turned around to face the crowd, and whoever was playing the piano stopped.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, you are gathered here today to witness the joining of two lives and two hearts. Don’t look so surprised,” the man behind them said.

  The room erupted in laughs, and a few people clapped.

  Laughing with them, I watched as Asia looked up at Marcus.

  “Marcus and Asia wanted to make sure that the people who mean the most to them were here to help celebrate their love and commitment to each other. They have both prepared their own vows.”

  Marcus cleared his throat before looking over at the crowd gathered in his house. He turned back, meeting Asia’s gaze again, as they faced each other. Everyone grew quiet.

  “Asia, your love saved me from the depths of my own darkness and showed me just how bright our future can be. From this moment on, I pledge to give you all of me. I promise to love you unconditionally every day until forever because not even death would stop me.”

  Marcus paused as people in the audience chuckled, and Asia smiled up at him with tears welling in her eyes. For the first time since Rachel had come to see me at the shop, I wasn’t thinking about her pregnancy or how scared I was to become a father. I was too busy listening to Marcus’s words and feeling like I finally understood them.

  “I promise to be loyal and faithful. I promise to always stand beside you, no matter what life brings, and I promise to love you forever and always.”

  Hailey sniffed from her spot behind Asia and wiped tears from her eyes. Turning my head, I looked at Natalie and saw her watching the ceremony with sincere awe.

  “Marcus, your love helped set me free. You taught me that being in love means more than giving yourself to someone. It means believing that you have something worth giving and that you deserve the love that’s received in return. Your love is the light that guides me and the anchor that tethers me, and it’s as endless as the night’s sky. I promise to love you forever, through the good times and the bad, through sickness and health, through darkness and light. I pledge my heart to you on this night and for every moment until the end of time. I am forever yours.”