by Gloria Cook
‘We can’t talk here,’ Emilia decided. For a start her mother would try to sit in with them. ‘I’ll come to you. I’ll be there in half an hour.’
‘Thanks, Em, for trusting me. I’ll look forward to it and I swear I won’t let you down.’ Ecstatic, Selina rushed upstairs to change into her most flattering frock and to put on some make-up and her favourite perfume.
* * *
‘Where’re you going, Mum?’ Will challenged Emilia as she picked up the car keys from the hall side table.
‘I thought I’d pop into Truro. I won’t be long. Tilda’s got some nice smoked ham for your tea. Be good to Lottie, won’t you?’
‘You’re always popping out somewhere alone.’ He was glaring at her, a taller-than-average youth, so much like his father, but his surly attitude like Ben’s when he was in an intractable mood. ‘You’re getting ambiguous, like Dad was, only you’re more secretive.’
‘What on earth do you mean? Will, how dare you speak to me like that.’ The terms of Alec’s last wishes had shaken Will as much as it had her. Now he had been placed on the same level as Tom, he had lost some of his haughtiness but it had been replaced with an awkward manner.
‘Why aren’t you taking Lottie with you? The pair of you used to be never apart.’
‘We still rarely are. Lottie’s content at the moment to be with Jonny. They’ve gone down to the woods with the dogs.’
‘When’s he leaving here? We don’t need his help. I mean, you don’t need his help.’
‘Will, I know what this is about. I know you’re upset about the unexpected changes in your father’s will but there’s nothing I can do about it. I won’t go against his wishes. You’re going to inherit the farm anyway. Why are you being like this?’
‘Because it’s made me feel small. Some of the chaps at school are laughing at me. They say I’ll have to run to mummy for everything I need from now on, and if you marry again and you die first, then all my father’s property will go to an outsider. How do you think that makes me feel? Dad had no right to do what he did. Harvey property should always remain in Harvey hands!’
‘And it will!’ Emilia raised her voice, getting as cross as he was. ‘I doubt if I’d ever marry again, and if I did I’d sign the farm over to you. To you and Tom that is, and I wouldn’t forget Lottie. You’re selfish, Will. I love you, son, but you are far too selfish to ever let you have everything. I’m in no mood for this now. Get on with your homework and don’t you ever bother me with this again.’
Will looked beset with fury. His mouth worked, he wanted to say something more, but when his mother made her mind up about something nothing would shift her. ‘Am I allowed to know where you’re going? Just in case someone here needs you?’ he hissed sourly.
‘I’m going to Truro to see a friend. That’s all I’m prepared to say. Don’t stand there in my way, Will. Don’t ever behave like this again.’
Their eyes clashed, hers uncompromising and dark brown, his hard and slate grey, and with a sinking heart Emilia knew she would never be really close to her eldest child again.
* * *
After the golf, in which Perry had been trounced by Ernest Rule, for his eyes, heart and concentration had not been on the round, the two men went to the Red Lion Hotel for a drink. In the plush surroundings, Perry downed another double whisky.
‘You’ll never forget Libby but time will help you to bear it,’ Ernest said. ‘I’ll order you a soda water. Take it easy for a while before you have another drop of the hard stuff.’ Ernest had been the best of company, staying silent most of the time, saying the right sort of thing when he’d spoken, not trying any sort of jollying-along humour. Perry accepted the soda water, he had no fight in him to object to anything. He tried not to say it but it came tumbling out. ‘I wish I was dead.’
‘No, you don’t. You’re not a coward. Your charities need you. Concentrate on them, it’ll give you something to live for.’
You don’t understand, Ernie. I’ve lost more than my daughter.’ Not having eaten properly for days, the whisky had taken its hold on Perry. He fiddled clumsily with his glass, his head becoming welcomingly muzzy.
‘What do you mean, pal?’ Ernest tugged at his beard.
‘I’ve lost the woman I love too. Well, I’m pretty certain I have.’
‘You’re in love? Well, that’s good news. So you don’t need to wish yourself dead then, do you? Go back to London and fight for her.’
‘I haven’t left her in London. The reason I came down here was to be near to her.’
‘Even better. Fight for her. Hang on a minute, to be near to her, you say? Ah. I take it she’s not free? Not so easy then.’
‘Oh, she’s free.’ Tears of grief and frustration slid from Perry’s eyes. ‘She doesn’t want me, at least she’s not sure she wants me. It’s complicated.’
‘I see. Shame. Do I know her?’
‘Yes, very well. You wouldn’t approve of our love. You were a very close friend to her husband. I think I’ve said enough. You’ve been good to me, you’re the father of one of my old friends and I don’t want to lose your friendship.’
Ernest was drinking vodka and tonic. He whirled the ice round in his glass, thinking. Not thinking for long. He whistled under his breath, not caring he was in a classy establishment where the staff and clientele wouldn’t approve of such a noise. ‘Are you telling me you’re in love with Emilia Harvey?’
Perry toyed with his glass and kept looking down at the table.
‘Blood and teeth!’ Ernest hissed softly. ‘You’ve astonished me. Emilia? And she feels the same way? Did Alec know? Of course not, he wouldn’t have changed his will. Were you carrying on under his very nose and he had no notion of it? Yes, that’s it. That’s why she took the reading of the will so badly. If you weren’t suffering a bereavement yourself I’d throw you outside and pound you into the pavement. But, well, to be honest, although I’ve got a happy marriage I have… well, looked elsewhere over the years. When did all this start?’
‘Soon after baby Jenna died. I fell for Emilia at once, the day I moved into Ford House to be exact, and there was nothing on earth I could do to stop myself from loving her. She never stopped loving Alec. She never would have left him for me.’
‘It’s a sorry affair.’
‘Yes, it is. Mine and Emilia’s feelings mean it’s been more than just an affair. My love for her has cost me everything. I accept that I deserve it. I’m relieved that Alec died without finding out about us. When I think how much more he would have suffered. Now I must bow out of Emilia’s life again. Allow her to sort out her feelings. Allow her to grieve properly for Alec. And hope… and hope there might be a place for me in her life one day.’
‘I’d have made sure you’d go, but I honour your decision. Alec was a good man and he was complex, mysterious at times, and I believe he was never really comfortable with life. He’d had troubled times and had known loneliness that had almost broken him. I think he’d have been sorry to be leaving his family but glad to be away from this world. His thoughts were often on a higher plane. Yes, you’re right to go. Emilia will never know peace until she’s sifted through her emotions. My advice is to say goodbye but don’t put any conditions on it. Wait for her. If you love her as much as you say you do, you’ll wait. Find something useful to do and keep your hopes alive. That way, if she decides to see you, she won’t want to find you a mess of a man.’
‘Thanks, Ernie, I can’t tell you how much that has helped. I don’t feel that I deserve it.’
‘Oh, life’s a funny old thing. Throws us all a rock or two. Can’t see the point in you and Emilia staying miserable for the rest of your lives. And you’re a likeable bloke, Perry. I know you’d have done the decent thing and walked away if Alec hadn’t been terminally ill.’
‘Don’t put that much responsibility on me, Ernie. Emilia would have sent me away, I know that much.’
‘You only have to give her time. Don’t languish and waste it.’
/>
‘Let’s have another drink, then I’ll pack and let Emilia know. I owe you a lot of thanks, Ernie, I can go with some hope in my heart. It’s time I got my sister away too. Time for us to visit Libby one last time and leave Hennaford in peace.’
* * *
‘I thought we could sit out here, Em?’ Selina showed her out into the back garden, where the lawn was cut but was the colour of straw after so many years of neglect, the shrubs were woody and the high boundary hedges out of control. Bees and butterflies and other insects were gaily collecting nectar in their God-appointed territories. The nettled ground beneath the half-dozen apple trees was heavy with windfalls. ‘I enjoy the wildness here, the sense of abandon. I hate anything uniform.’
Emilia cast an eye over the borders. As well as camellias, azaleas and peonies, Perry had planted new rose bushes. He’d mentioned that those he’d discovered among the tangled jungle had been beyond saving.
‘Take a seat.’ Selina was unusually flustered and eager to please. ‘Are you all right sitting in the sun or would you prefer a shady spot?’
‘Out in the sun will be fine for a while. I can’t stop long.’
That’s a shame.’ Selina gazed at her. She looked winsome in her black clothes, tired and weighed down, but her reserves of strength also filtered through. And Emilia could never look anything but beautiful. Selina wanted to hold her and have Emilia respond by putting her arms round her too. In her daydreams she gave Emilia the love she longed to, and there was no selfishness or cruelty in it. It was just a dream and would only ever be so, but it was one she allowed herself to float with now. ‘Would you like a glass of wine?’
Emilia realized that she hadn’t had a drink for hours and her throat was uncomfortably dry. ‘I’d rather have something like lemon tea if you’ve got it.’
‘Whatever you wish. You relax, I’ll just be a minute.’
Emilia pulled off her hat and shook her hair free. The sun was hard at work in this sheltered spot. She closed her eyes to feel the warmth, to bid it to ease the tension in her head, to halt her tortured thoughts. She was tired, so tired, having not slept more than two or three hours each night for a long time.
Too soon, Selina came back with the tray.
Without thinking, Emilia said, ‘I wish you were like this all the time.’
‘Like what, Em?’
She cursed herself. Why on earth start something like this? ‘Sociable, I suppose, and kind. When there’s not the impression you’re about to pounce with something shocking or unpleasant.’
Selina looked straight at her. ‘Would you like me then, Em?’
‘Yes, I think so. There’d be no reason not to like you, would there? I keep in mind the times when you have been compassionate.’ Even as she said these words Emilia knew Selina was incapable of ever being a good person. There was something dark and twisted inside her, and not of the sort attained by abuse or bad luck. There was vindictiveness in the very essence of her. There was no denying that the instant Selina entered a place the atmosphere dimmed and grew heavy, as if the good, breathable air had been cut off, and the instant she left, the oppression lifted and the wholesomeness of the surroundings re-established itself.
What am I doing here? This is foolish. To be here now, to be considering Selina, of all people, to confide in and seek advice about her rent feelings for Perry, Emilia realized just how disturbed and vulnerable she was. She had placed herself at this woman’s mercy and would have to be wary of her every second, keep her wits sharp. A short while ago Elena Rawley had called on her, and in terms of passion that went against her nature she had begged Emilia to try to send Selina away. ‘I haven’t the slightest clue why, but she’s out to cause trouble for Jim. I know he had an association with her but that was years ago and I don’t care about that. She hurt Jim very badly and now she wants to do it again. I daren’t tell Jim of my suspicions, he’d go after her and goodness knows what she’d do then. Lead him on to becoming violent or something and tell the police. Emilia, can’t you get rid of her? Nobody in the village wants her here. Certainly not your mother, she’s spoken to me of her concerns.’ Dolly Rowse warned continually, ‘That woman’s evil, a she-devil. We must never forget it and watch her carefully. Very carefully.’
Emilia knew a moment of panic. Selina threw out traps for unsuspecting prey, and here she was probably within touching distance of one.
Selina handed her a frosted tumbler of lemon tea. ‘I’m glad you can think kindly of me. I’ve been so horrible to you. And Perry. I know you hate me for that. But we’re brother and sister and we’ve always had an uneasy relationship; my fault mostly. Shall we sit on the bench? It’s shady there.’
Emilia followed Selina to where she carried her own drink. There was only room for two on the ancient, weathered wood, set against a trellis crawling with honeysuckle. It made Emilia’s flesh creep to be seated in such close contact to Selina. Emilia’s life felt like how this garden had been, a shameful mess and horribly complicated. But here and there were signs of weeding and pruning. Perry’s caring touch: he was attempting to bring cherishment and harmony to the chaos. On the ground by the water butt was a touch of colour. It was an abandoned hat, a dark tan trilby with a royal-blue band. Perry wore lively clothes. He was a life-giving man. Had been. Now he was a grieving father. And she had crushed him. Because of her guilt, she had sent him away as if he was the only one who had betrayed Alec. He had walked away from her in the churchyard an almost broken man.
Emilia felt her heart falling apart, one tiny chip at a time. It filled her with dismay, with a sort of chilling horror. She’d had no right to lay the blame she felt on Perry. She had kept part of herself back from Alec and offered it willingly, lovingly to Perry, and although it was in no way right, Alec had not known this and it had never hurt him. Yet the man she loved more than the breath in her body she had treated as if he had no feelings at all, as if he was someone she could take up and throw away at a whim. Perry loved her with the same hopeless depth that she loved him and that meant she could so easily destroy him. She was as hateful as the woman she was with.
‘Bottoms up,’ Selina said coquettishly, with a silly giggle. ‘Let’s drink to a new friendship.’ To add to her turmoil, Emilia recognized that the other woman was flirting with her, had reformed her hopes for her and was even a little self-conscious, but Emilia also knew just at that moment that she had gained power over Selina, and if she used it wisely she might be able to defuse any looming nasty situations. If Selina really was in love with her then perhaps that faulty love could be used, but Emilia knew it was a dangerous situation and could all too easily go against her.
‘To friendship. Thank you, Selina.’ Emilia clinked her glass against hers. It took an effort not to blink in disgust.
‘You’re thanking me for what, Em?’ Selina leaned towards her. This sudden development in having Emilia all to herself, needy and pliable and willing to start over again, was beyond her craziest hopes. She longed to tell her how beautiful she was. Her dark eyes were large and jewel-like in her colour-drained, flawless face. Yet she retained her earthy strength. It was such a powerful draw. She was a combination of fragility and magnificence, a little primitive, a little imperial; a goddess. It was no wonder that Perry loved her, that Alec had loved her, and that Ben – she had not missed – wanted her back. Selina had filed away that fact to add to the trouble she would cause, but now Emilia was here, it was trouble she only might cause.
‘For being available.’ Her next words made her feel sick. ‘I know we’ve had bitter differences, but you’ve always been big enough to set them aside when I’ve really needed you. You were there for me over Jenna, and Alec. And again now, when I’m so very unhappy and I need someone to talk to. Someone outside the family and my usual friends.’ Her mouth nauseatingly dry, Emilia sipped her drink, without tasting it.
‘Go on, Em.’ Selina’s eyes were shining like violet stars.
Emilia coughed on the lemon tea and rubbed at her
throat. Was she really taking Selina in? It would be worth it if trouble could be avoided and some sort of peace for herself and Perry was gained. ‘You’re the only one who knows about Perry and I. We’re the two women who love him. Who only want what’s best for him, aren’t we? We’re all he’s got and that frightens me. Perry deserves so much more. I’ve made him miserable and now I don’t know what to do. I think I’ll soon go out of my mind if I don’t get some sort of arrangement settled with him, something we can both live with.’
‘You don’t know how happy and honoured I feel to have you unburden your heart to me. What exactly is causing you such distress? How have you made Perry miserable?’
She wasn’t going to tell this woman anything personal. ‘It’s hard to explain, Selina. I’ve been shutting him out. I love him so much, but I feel so guilty about Alec. I guess I need to see Perry and talk to him. I can’t bear the thought of him suffering. We shouldn’t ever do that, should we? Make him suffer? You’re his sister, I’m the woman he loves. If we worked together we could make him content.’
The hope in Selina was blazing out of her. ‘And how could we do that?’
‘By working for his best interests.’
‘And you really mean it about us, working together?’
Selina had moved a touch closer to her again. Emilia thought she’d suffocate on her heady perfume. If she agreed with the question, goodness knew what she’d be letting herself in for, she might never be rid of Selina’s overwhelming, revolting presence. And if she did not, Selina would probably be offended and turn malicious. Emilia swallowed some more lemon tea. ‘Would you like that, Selina?’
‘I’d like nothing more. Honestly, Em.’
‘You wouldn’t be jealous of any involvement I have in Perry’s life, in the future?’ Suddenly Emilia knew she could never go on with her life without him being there sometime, not too far in the distance.
‘No. We could share him.’ And we could share you. I’d settle for that, even if we only ever remained as platonic friends. We’d be close and I could dream…