All I knew in that very moment was that becoming a beast had made me more relentless, more bloodthirsty, and less of a human. ...Or maybe more?
It’s hard to identify really, because what if being a more instinctive human is the only true way to actually be yourself? I know my mind is rambling again. It’s something I have to get used to now. It’s a part of my new self, I guess, but I like it. I like all of it.
I like how I am aware of my body, of my senses, of my skin, of the air around me, even if all that scatters my senses, I feel more centered than ever before. And I am aware of that irony, that being less off a human and more of a feral being feels so right to me. I wish it was the same for Jay, and maybe once that primal snake awakens, it will be the same for me, too; same struggle for superiority, the same fight, the same pain...but what if not? What if?
What if it all comes easily to me?
What if I am what White has always wanted, what he is trying to achieve? How can I live with that?
I don’t want to, and I won’t be that. Still, I somehow know that I already am. Sensing Jay losing himself in that room on the other side of the mirror pained me. It made me want to rip out my heart and eat it, to ease the pain, to erase it.
What have I become?
I can’t just stay at the sidelines; I can’t just watch Jay fighting a fight he cannot win, because he will always have a weakness in me. God, I know I’m not prepared for this, but I know I can take this battle to White’s front door and turn it upside down. I just hope I won’t lose sight of the goal, and that’s getting the two of us out of here.
XXX
It didn’t surprise me that he came to visit and still it put me on full alert, on code red. It did to me what I feared most: woke up the beast. Never in my life have I felt this torn apart, this ripped apart, pulled into two directions. I felt so feral, so blood thirsty.
It didn’t happen the moment I saw him. That moment he entered my room I was completely calm, although I expected myself to go full on beast, it didn’t happen. I was on my bed, and watched that door slide open and he entered all smug, all self-righteous, all self-aggrandizing, and that snake didn’t stir. It made me feel so powerful, so in control. Hell, was I wrong, so utterly, painfully wrong.
“Meghan,” he said. I hated the sound of my name from him. “I’m so relieved to see you better.”
Oh, fucking Hell you are.
In that moment I wished that I was allowed to spit and hiss and snap at him like all of the beasts in this facility were allowed to, but I couldn’t. I had to play nice, and I despised it. For the first time since I had woken up, I ignored that searing thing in my body, stirring and still not waking up. I didn’t expect it to wake right then and there. And it didn’t, not instantly, at least.
“Thank you,” I answered politely and demure, while wanting to scream at the top of my lungs.
I felt as if my stomach was turning, twisting and churning, knotting and tearing. I wanted to throw up, I felt sick and ill and weak all at once. Meeting White, I had already felt all of those things before, even partially combined, but not full on. Not like this, not with a beast in me, which was instantly reacting to the man who was an ultimate threat.
But he needed me. That’s what I tried to remind myself of. He wouldn’t kill me, and he wouldn’t do anything to me that would harm me, because I was too important for him. I had to constantly remind myself of that.
Yet, his stench was vile in my nose. I realized that the moment the door closed behind him. I never had been aware of his scent before, but I think it was my heightened senses. My beast was still dozing, but with one eye open now. But it seemed to listen to my silent mantra. It was a higher risk to expose myself if that beast chose to take over.
White was only checking on his invaluable investment. He had no idea how invaluable I had truly become, and I did my best to keep him in the dark, trying to use the reactions to him that I couldn’t control to my advantage. Like pulling up the blanket that was covering me, because I had started trembling. The slight twitching of one of his brows told me that he was seeing it and that he liked it.
Good for you.
I forced all hateful thoughts out of my head, tried to be indifferent towards him, but I couldn’t. The impulse to jump onto his chest and rip his throat out was undeniable. It happened in my head on a loop, and I changed my chant into that I needed him. I know this man, I know what makes him tick, and I know his motivation, and his goals. Well, at least I think that I can grasp it. I know Dr. Clay Severin enough to manipulate him. If I kill him it will only put me in a worse position that I am right now.
“How are you feeling, Meghan?” He asked and almost sounded as if he really cared; he probably does, in his own way.
“Weak,” I answered; channeling how I had felt the day I had woken up. “A little dizzy...and cold.”
I pulled the blanket even higher and watched him nod sympathetically.
“You will get better,” he promised.
And then he did something that made me almost lose it, he placed his hand on my thigh. I wanted to tear this hand off of his body, his whole arm right along with it. The Beast in me stirred, and all I could to do stop it from snarling was tensing up as much as possible, every muscle; I tried to petrify myself in order to keep up the charade Val had asked me to play, but would use it for my own benefit. However, I hadn’t expected it to be this hard.
“Dr. Winter said you’re having troubles remembering anything that led up to you coma,” he said being sincerely interested in my answer, but what he stated wasn’t a lie.
I couldn’t remember how I was put in the coma. So, I nodded and tried to find my last memory, and didn’t hide my facial expressions as I did.
“I’m not sure,” I lied while I realized that the last thing I remembered was lying down on my bed, closing my eyes after I wrote my last entry.
I must have fallen asleep when they came in to drug me. Obviously the pregnancy had made me tired and I had dozed off.
“What’s the last thing you remember?” White inquired and there was a hint of impatience in his voice.
“A man...” I answered hesitantly, pretending to be insecure. “In my old room.”
Quickly after that I closed my eyes and rubbed my eyelids and then temples. I didn’t tell him that I was tired or my head hurt. He had to come to that conclusion himself.
“It’s fine,” he finally took his hand from my leg, only to place it on my shoulder.
I flinched. He cocked one eye-brow. I glanced down on my sheets, pretending to be feeling anything other than this fury.
“Sorry,” I murmured, rather whispering, because I didn’t dare to utter a fully audible response.
“Is there anything I can do for you?” He offered.
“My books?” I blurted out. “Or maybe a nicer room?” The second question was rather well-thought. I needed to know where I would live after my recovery, so that I could prepare.
“Your books are no problem,” he answered, looking a little bit grim. “But it’s Dr. Winters who decides about your room. You should ask her to put you back under my care.”
So not going to happen!
“Dr. Winters told me that I need a lot of rest and that I shouldn’t move too much,” I told the truth, at least the one Val was selling here.
“That is true,” he gave back and nodded.
I could see his eyes quickly jumping to my lower abdomen and then back to my eyes. It made me feel sick and I didn’t suppress that feeling, hoping he would see it and connect the dots to the picture he wanted to see.
“I will have a nicer room set up for you. One without bad memories,” he promised and smiled.
White appeared so normal, authoritarian, yet friendly; as if he was trying to become a father figure for me. There was no way he had other motives, had he? I didn’t want to think about it then, I don’t want to think about it now.
“Thank you,” I responded quietly, still staring at my blanket, avoiding
his eyes.
“You are welcome,” he spoke, obviously very pleased with the whole situation.
I stayed quiet and demure and he left me with the words: “Listen to Dr. Winters, Meghan.”
Although he is gone, my body is still not relaxing, because his stench is still polluting the air in my room. I am silently waiting for Val to show up so that I could ask her to leave the door open. Until then I write here breathing through my mouth.
XXX
I didn’t have to wait too long for her to show up, but she couldn’t leave the door open, because it would send a signal, since it was programmed to automatically shut.
Great, so when I left my room all those days ago they had known, but they had also believed that it had been Peter, unless one of the cameras had caught me.
Escaping will be so much harder than anticipated.
“We don’t have long,” she explained. “A nurse will come with a wheel chair and bring you into one of my labs, in order for you to get examined. I did my best to prevent this, but Severin went behind my back to our superior.”
“Superior?” I repeated in disbelief.
Of course I was disappointed and annoyed that after our brief conversation White had ordered this, but it was far more confusing and intriguing to hear that he was not the big boss here.
“Don’t get me wrong, he runs the show here, but there is a board of people who have the last call. As soon as he got out of your room, he went to his and called the board, asking for permission to have you examined.” Valerie stated her voice being shaky and her gaze to the ground. “And they approved his request. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry,” I gave back. “They are going to find out that I am not pregnant anymore. They are going to find out that you lied to them.”
“No, they won’t,” her eyes locked with mine, sounding determined, and the movement of her right hand caught my attention.
She reached into her pocket and stepped towards me reaching out for my hands with both her hands while she had the backs of her hands pointed up wards. Since I already had sat up to talk to her, all I had to do was take them and pretend to be not surprised by the two warm, smooth, and long objects that felt like test tubes to me.
Valerie smiled softly, as if she wanted to comfort me, and stepped even closer, giving me the opportunity to slip the tubes beneath my blanket. Then she sat down next to me, adding low and fast spoken sentences so that whoever listened would miss them: “Don’t worry; Dr. Severin likes to be thorough. Take these with you. It will be the usual blood test and urine test. I warmed them up.” In that moment I knew the contents of those tubes. “You won’t have to pee in front of the nurse. There’s a washer where you can put the empty tubes.”
I nodded, looking down as if I really needed to be calmed down. Val had just provided me with the material to fake that I was still pregnant. It was up to me to execute the plan, and that was what I did.
Quickly I brought the tubes back into my closed hand.
A few moments later, while Valerie continued to fake comfort me by rubbing my shoulders, the door opened. The person who entered pushing a wheel chair was a person I knew too well, and this time I wasn’t able to hide my surprise. It was Grey.
With his face expressionless as ever he rolled the chair close to me, so that I could quickly settle down into it.
“Doctor,” he nodded briefly towards Val, who answered with the same gesture, before he turned the wheel chair around and rolled me through unfamiliar corridors.
The upside of the whole situation was that the clinical smell was back again in my nose. No White anymore. That was at least something. So I placed both my hands in my lap the tubes in my lower one, hoping that I could keep them warm enough for whoever took the samples to buy that they were fresh. I silently send a prayer that Val’s plan would work, while I tried to memorize the way.
It wasn’t that far, but again, all the corridors looked alike, even though far more like a lab or hospital. We had turned left after leaving the room and the left wall was as I remembered my area of the compound, white walls with a closed door now and then. It was the wall to the right which was interesting, because it was made of huge glass windows with blinds which were closed and the doors too, of course. All the doors had those scanner stations. I kept wondering if I was in the second circle of this compound, like Jay described in his diary. As we were heading for a large door at the end of the corridor we went by a longer row of windows, only to stop at a door on the left. Probably there was the lab on the right side and the room where the samples would be taken was on the opposite ?
I was right. Grey opened the door with his bracelet and rolled me through it, only to leave without a word or greeting. The nurse who rose from his chair was a guy I had never seen before, but the word ‘nerd’ instantly crossed my mind, which wasn’t meant as a belittlement. He just looked far too messy and well-fed to be what I had expected.
“Hi, I’m Austin,” he reached out to offer me one hand, which I shook, while the other shoved his glasses back into the right position. “I’m going to check your vitals and take some samples.”
I nodded, avoiding saying anything that would come out wrongly.
“Blood pressure first,” he said more to himself than me and I lifted my right arm so that he could start working.
As he came closer and sat down in front of me his name tag instantly caught my attention.
“Dr. Austin Pavlovich?” I read out aloud and stated. “You’re not a nurse.”
“No, I’m not,” he continued his work, murmuring as he took notes. “120 over 80...Pulse.”
We both stayed silent.
“72,” he noted loudly. “I’m going to get a blood sample now. Are you afraid of needles? Easily dizzy?”
“Not afraid,” I answered. “Usually not.”
“Would you like some,” he turned around to the table were some tools and a laptop where placed, and he stopped midsentence obviously looking for something. “Well, I’ll get some candy when you’re providing me with your urine sample.”
“Okay,” I answered and smiled slightly.
This was way too easy. Had Valerie snuck in this office to steal his candy so that I could exchange the blood samples? As the needle punctured my skin I flinched a little.
“Aaaalmost finished,” he promised, sounding as if he was talking to a child.
“What kind of Doctor are you?” I asked eventually.
“Neuroscience,” he responded while pushing a band aid on the small hole in my arm, not really looking at me, like the whole time.
“Wow,” I mouthed but judging by his tiny smile he saw or heard it anyway.
“Why are you examining me then?” I inquired and for the first time he took a break, after putting the tube in its rack, looking at me straight with slumped shoulders and tired eyes
“That you should ask the boss,” he responded, took a deep breath and got up, snatching a white plastic cup with a lid. “I’m going to get you some candy,” he declared and rolled me out of his room, which made my heart stop for a second, around the corner to what was the ladies room. “And you fill this please. A little bit is enough.”
I took the cup and pretended to get up with great efforr, so that he stopped to assist me.
“Be right back,” he said, opening the door, and I nodded, watching him as he jogged down the corridor.
My heart took up double pace. What was I going to do? With that speed he would be back in just a few moments. And the door was closing.
It was a split second decision. Barefoot as I was, I caught the door and pulled it open again, hastened to the rack, exchanged the blood samples and was out of the room without needing to touch that door again. Then I entered the ladies room and locked the door, looking at my hands. The cup was unharmed in my right, while two test tubes were in my left. How could I have been so fast?
I sat down on the toilet, poured my old urine sample into the cup, and waited. I would have no chance to put t
he test tubes into the washer, and I had no guarantee that I would be returned to my room after getting candy.
Austin was a neuroscientist. He probably would try some experiment with me before I could go.
I stood up, turned around, and smashed the empty tube against the inside of the toilet seat and it shattered and flushed. When I wanted to do the same with the tube that contained the blood, someone knocked at the door.
“Almost finished!” I called.
“We need to tape some brainwaves now,” Dr. Austin Pavlovich talked towards the door.
Where to put that damn thing?
I spun around, and closed my eyes as I came up with just one place to put it and sighed deeply. Opening the door I moved very carefully pressing my legs together as I sat down slowly onto the wheel chair. Austin handed me a hand full of mini candy bars in return for the cup, which felt warm enough, and he didn’t show any concerns. Back in his room I got to put on a strange hat that reminded me of a strainer, and he showed me some pictures, taking notes as his laptop showed my brain waves.
After what felt like an eternity, Grey showed up again and brought me back to my room, where I instantly slid beneath my blanket and changed my more than uncomfortable situation.
Day 145
I didn’t need long to think about what to do with that test tube. Somehow it is self-explaining to me that once I can’t keep up with my charade, that I will use that blood to fake my miscarriage. They won’t see any wounds, and I will make a hell of a revolt if they try to examine me. It’s just a matter of time before they find out that I’m not pregnant anymore. So I have to get ahead of the game.
Living with the fear of getting caught is not really ‘living’ to me at all. Even more, I can’t stand being without Jay and I don’t know how many days I can live through without seeing him. Although he was there behind that mirrored window, it’s not the same. Without ‘seeing him’ I mean ‘feeling him’, having him close, feeling his skin against mine, him holding me close, him making me forget who, where, and what I am.
The Beast In Us (The Beast And Me Book 3) Page 4