“You didn’t let it out, did you?” It wasn’t a question.
“Not entirely, no,” he answered and I knew that he wasn’t lying to me. “I needed to prove to him that I can...control myself.”
I stayed silent and just looked at him, and his beast eyes looked back. He didn’t need to tell me anything, I just knew, and he had already told me so much in his diary.
“You woke me up,” I whispered. “I missed you, too.” I stepped towards him and he stepped back. “So much,” I added, grabbing his T-shirt and pulling him towards me.
My hands slipped around his torso pressing myself into his embrace. There was no reluctance left as he wrapped his arms around me and held me close while I listened to his heart beat slowing down again.
“Your screams,” he said quietly with his lips against the top of my head again. “They were terrifying. I never heard you scream like that.”
“Me, neither,” I answered truthfully and swallowed down the tears I hadn’t been able to shed. “I guess I didn’t realize how much it hurt me, losing something I wasn’t even aware of...twice.”
That last word made him tense so badly that he trembled, and it was me now who rubbed my hands across his back to calm him down.
“This has to stop,” he uttered through his teeth.
“I agree,” I responded instantly and quietly. “And that’s what we are going to do. Make him stop.”
Jay pulled back a little and looked at me directly this time, as if he wanted to make sure that he had heard right, but his heart beat stumbled once, his hands around my upper arms tensed a bit.
“Your eyes,” he whispered, shocked. “What happened to your eyes?”
“Stay calm,” I urged him, knowing that my back was to the camera above the mirror, mentally trying to stop what he was about to realize.
A part of me had hoped that he would be too distracted by seeing me to sense the details, but he did. I could see in his expression that he wanted to ask more, that he wanted me to tell him he was wrong about his assumption.
“You can’t lose it now, Jay,” I said, stepping forward again, wanting to wrap my arms back around his body, but he didn’t move and for a moment I was truly scared that he wouldn’t want me anymore, now that I was something similar to what he was.
My pulse started to sprint.
What he did then surprised me.
His hands enfolded my face, and before I knew it, his lips were on mine, softly kissing and then nipping at them. My heart did a somersault in my chest and I clawed my fingers into his shirt again, but he needed no invitation to kill the short distance between us. My hands snaked up his chest, remembering every muscle along their way, making me feel dizzy with the sudden heat taking over my body.
I should be pretending to ache but I couldn’t. And that was probably the last sane thought in my head.
I wanted to tear that fabric from both of our bodies just to feel his skin against mine. Instead I plugged at his shirt the way he plugged at my mouth, before he paralyzed me with his tongue darting out and retracing the outline of my lips. I made him stop and gasped when my fingers touched his abdomen. As he looked at me, I could swear that his eyes were glowing.
There was a knock on the door and I wanted to hiss at it. I didn’t want to stop.
“It’s Dr. Winters,” Valerie said, a slight tremble in her voice, as if she didn’t want to face two disgruntled beasts. “I need to check on Meghan now, Lieutenant Flynn. And you have to report to Dr. Severin for the damages you caused when you came here.”
We both looked at each other like caught teenagers.
“Damages?” I asked him and he furrowed his brow.
“Seems like I didn’t notice,” he answered barely contritely. “I was in kind of a hurry.”
“Coming!” I answered Val and brushed down Jay’s shirt, sticking my index finger in his face. “This isn’t over!” I teased him.
He probably gaped at me for that, but I couldn’t see it since I opened the door and placed one hand on Val’s shoulder for fake support. Jay didn’t make me wait for him very long, because before I knew it, my whole body was in the air again and he walked over and placed me gently down on the bed.
Valerie looked at him carefully, keeping her distance, clinging to her tablet and obviously waiting for him to leave, but he didn’t.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he stated, taking one of my hands in both of his.
“You’re going to make him angry, Jay,” Valerie urged him quietly. “You need to go and play nice again.”
I flinched at listening to her talking to him in such an intimate manner, but I didn’t say anything. Her concerned glare instantly landed on me, as if she was telling me to agree with her.
“He will understand,” I told Valerie instead. making her look at me flabbergasted.
Needless to say that I knew – pretty much as Jay and Val did as well – that he was standing right there behind that mirrored window watching us.
“He just has to,” I added with a much weaker voice, trying to make it break in order to appear more pitiful, but this time my acting skills deserted me.
“He can tell me that I have to leave you right now,” Jay straightened up and looked at the window. “Do you want me to leave her side and report to you, Sir?”
To hear those obedient, unemotional words made me sick to the stomach, and I actually felt a piercing pain in my abdomen. It was just perfect. I was getting my period. I laid my head back and groaned.
Thinking of that, I don’t want to find out what they did during my coma when this happened. I really don’t want to know. This was a perfect coincidence, because no one would believe my miscarriage if I jumped on Jay like a horny feline to finally get it on. But to be honest, I hadn’t been prepared for that instant fiery reaction on my part. It had felt as if my whole body had suddenly ignited to life.
There was no knocking against the window. So we all agreed that Jay was allowed to stay, and I figured that it would take a week for me to see him again. That I remembered vividly as true. White always tore us apart when we were drowning in a flood of emotions. But I also knew that he would bring him back to me, because White wasn’t someone who easily gave up on his plans, either.
Some instinct inside of me told me when he left. I still wonder if that instinct is the beast, or if it’s me and my newly heightened senses. But then again, aren’t those coming from the beast, too? It makes my head hurt.
Jay stayed, as did Val. She took my vitals, talked to me to tell me what would happen over the next days. I would be under 24/7 watch to make sure that there was no additional bleeding, and that I would heal well. That meant that if Val wasn’t around, someone would be there behind that window watching me, or in any other room on the opposite side of the corridor who were monitoring me through the cameras.
When Jay left with Val he gave me a chaste kiss on my forehead and whispered: “See you soon.”
This truly feels like a cage now, a golden one, but still a cage. Everyone would make sure that I was taken care of, that I would recover neatly.
Day 148
I was wrong; about Valerie. She’s not around today and it’s dawning on me that my harsh decision has put her in jeopardy. I guess she has to face some question on White’s side, because of my apparent miscarriage. After all, in his eyes I guess, making sure that it wouldn’t happen again was her sole purpose in this. I hope I’m wrong. I hope they are just having a discussion with the board on whether or not I should be returned to White. And I actually don’t mind if I do, as crazy as it sounds. It means that I would see Jay on a regular basis again. But does it actually mean that?
How long until he realizes that I’m different from before?
How long until he will act on that, and not on his intention for me to be his breeding female for his prize beast?
And all I can do is lie here and pretend I’m weak, hurting and tired. I am actually all three of those things, but for different reasons. It’s easy
to remember how it was when I just had woken up. I can pretend to be like that again, without the confusion, but my mind just won’t shut up, and what I believe to be the beast’s voice inside of me won’t shut up either. And it’s being paranoid.
I’m not really feeling like a schizophrenic, and I’ve had moments where I felt like my head wasn’t my own because my thoughts and worries wouldn’t stop. This isn’t any different, with the little difference that I’m harkening, trying to hear something, anything around me, hoping for someone walking and talking in the corridor, or in that room on the other side of the mirrored window.
I was so used and content with being alone that becoming restless now feels strange, foreign even.
Am I not myself anymore and not realizing it?
I even flinched the first dozen times when the camera in the ceiling moved. And there isn’t even a need to worry. White needs me, even if he finds out, he still needs me. It’s just that I start to worry about Val. I’m sure she will be okay, even if all her authorities concerning me are being pulled, they still need her.
XXX
So, there’s that. Nothing else happened today, apart from the nurse checking in on me instead of Val, and her bringing me my food and keeping me company now and then. I have not the slightest idea if she knows of Val’s or my ruse, and I definitely won’t ask her. I am somewhat grateful that she doesn’t ask any questions that aren’t related to my wellbeing.
Still, additional to the nurse, five different people walked through that corridor past my door. None of them went into the monitoring room. Great.
Day 149
Nothing is worse than waiting for something to happen. I tried to distract myself with Jay’s diary, hell, even with my own, but nothing helps. I’m chained to the bed, so to speak, because I have to pretend that I am still healing, but I have nothing to do! Reading doesn’t distract me and that I can hear so much more than before actually is quite annoying. I wish I was back to being limited to my usual hearing, but then again, listening to the different footsteps passing my door is at least some distraction.
Filling the pages of my fake diary is just as annoying. It’s not easy to lie and play pretend, especially when it’s acting as if I’m having a mental breakdown.
All I can do is push my head back into the pillow and stare at the ceiling, hoping that something interesting happens...I would even welcome a visit from White, but he lets me know his disappointment in me being a failure as a breeding female...if he knew...but he’d better not.
Thinking of which, I am wondering about Peter. Where is he? What is he doing? Has he finally realized that his half-brother doesn’t care, or is he still trying and failing?
I still have to wrap my mind around the fact that White allowed his own brother to become a test subject, and how he treated him afterwards.
Yes, he made him a guard and did not lock him away afterwards just like all the others. Yet, he is not like the others. Does White regard him as failure because he’s not as monstrous as the others? Or does he simply not care what Peter did to himself? Is he disappointed that Peter didn’t pull through entirely? I mean...why is he different from the other beasts? Why is he in control?
What if...White regards me as a failure, too?
Day 150
After this day I will act well again. I don’t care if it’s not long enough. I don’t care if White gets skeptical about me. I’m just going to go crazy if I have to lay another unnecessary minute in my bed.
Still no sign from Valerie, and that’s the only thing that worries me. Maybe they have flown her out to have her report directly to the board. How large can this whole secret project be?
I know that I have to stop caring about others, they are not my responsibility. I have to take care of myself; and what I need most is to see Jay again. I never have needed something more than I need him. Being without him is torture. Without him I feel like a fish on land. He was the only thing that kept me sane in the insanity of falling for an animal-like creature, but I don’t care. Everything has changed, and I will never see the world again as I have before all of this. In a strange way I am grateful for that, because my life has meaning now. I know that I am not worthless now. I am important. Someone needs me. People need me, in their own different ways. Jay needs me because I am who I am, Valerie needs me to soothe her conscience, and White needs me to feed his ego. But I am needed.
I guess that was the only reason why I pulled through everything in the first place, because I am important. I was even important for Peter. He believed that I could love him, that I could care about him. So, I know that people need me for their own personal reasons. But a part of me knows that it doesn’t matter at all, because I’m not important to myself, am I?
I gave up on myself because my parents didn’t care about me anymore. The only usefulness I had for them was to get back at each other, but they didn’t care about me. Peter, White, even Valerie...they all need me for themselves. What about Jay? Does he really care about me? Or am I just useful to him? Because I made him human, because I allowed him to use me for his own benefit, because I helped him accept and embrace what he has become? These thoughts make me sick. And I despise myself for realizing that I have to write these final words about Jay in my second diary. White will love to read this. He will enjoy it, thinking that he can turn me into his ally.
All I want is to throw up.
Are those words in Jay’s diary all true? Or is this a fake one, just like the one I leave lying around for my captors to read? I know I recognize Jay’s writing from the letter. But what if White made him write all of this?
I need to see him. I need to look him in the eye to see the truth. I’ve seen him often enough to know that I will notice the difference between truth and lie. But I need to see him most so that he can make me forget all of this. I want to believe that his words are true. I need to believe that he loves me, that he would do anything for me.
These days without Valerie, without anyone who takes a moment to talk to me, are cruel and tormenting. I feel caged, I feel like an animal, and I am restless. Lying in bed all day is unbearable. The uncertainty of what comes next is even worse.
What if Valerie never comes back? What if I end up in White’s clutches again? ...Even worse what if someone else entirely takes the reigns here? With White, I know what to expect...
Day 151
I got to see him. I mean, I didn’t really see him, but he was there with me, behind the frigging mirror.
I don’t know why it happened, maybe because I started to walk around in my room. I couldn’t keep still anymore. I tried to distract myself with reading, but I have been through all my books one time to many. And I think I can actually feel my blood running through my veins. It’s not as if something is crawling beneath my skin, no. It is actually my blood pumping. I know that it’s not possible, because veins don’t have nerves, but maybe my nerves have become that sensitive that I can actually feel every fiber of my body. But that’s not important now.
Jay was here. I didn’t need to see or hear him to know that he was. I could sense and feel him on the other side of the mirror. And I wanted to breakdown the wall just to be able to touch him.
It was as if I could feel him vibrating through that mirror. When I stared at it long enough, I felt as if I was able to even see him, and hear his breathing, his heartbeat, and his movements.
I didn’t realize that he was there at first, because I was too restless, too busy walking a furrow into the ground. But then...I think I heard him touch the mirror.
I know that it is something impossible to hear, because he didn’t bang his hand against it. I’m sure that if he actively had been trying to get my attention that they would have made him leave. It’s hilarious that they actually think I don’t know that this mirror I am facing when I lay in bed is actually a window on the other side. Seriously, who wouldn’t know that? We all watched far too many movies and far too many detective shows to not know that. However, it must have
been him touching the window or maybe tapping it to draw my attention. I stopped in my tracks, harkening, slowing down my breathing, and then I heard it: his heart beat. I could hear it accelerating as I turned towards him, slowly.
All I saw was myself in that mirror. I knew it was me, although I still have difficulties actually recognizing myself because of the eye color. I start to believe that it’s not only that. My body has changed, I cannot deny that. I’m more slender, more athletic than before. But I think the biggest difference is that I can see and sense far better than before. I am able to notice more details about my body, my posture, my movements and my face, that it’s unsettling me every time I look at myself.
This time, however, I didn’t look at myself, not after the first blink of my eyes. I saw right through my reflection on the other side of the wall. Not literally, but figuratively. I could hear him first and sense him later. And I closed in on him slowly, like the predator I was becoming.
The only reason why I haven’t lost it, why I haven’t changed, fused, warped, or whatever they call it, is that I’m still not finished changing. That’s what I believe at least. No, that’s not true. I know it. I can feel it, because I am still in pain.
I thought it was just my emotions running wild and me suffering from being separated from Jay, and now from Val. But it is in fact physical pain that I feel. And what else could it be other than my DNA being recoded?
It’s not sore muscles, definitely not. Although I’ve been lying for days and now finally am moving around again. No. I can play pretend or face the truth: I am changing. I am not human anymore. And there is no use in denying it because – as terrible as it was facing Jay in his warped state – I like being more than just me. I like the idea of being physically powerful. I like the thought of being capable of ripping White into shreds.
The Beast In Us (The Beast And Me Book 3) Page 6