He despised that fear in her eyes. Fear he’d put there himself. He deserved whatever punishment she meted out and if he had to crawl on his belly over broken glass for years before she ever let him touch her, then by God, that’s what he’d do.
For now, he simply held the door to the back porch open for her and silently indicated the dirt path leading down to the gazebo.
Early autumn scents of fresh mown hay and leaves filled his nose. The evening air was crisp but not so chilly that she’d need a coat. He could always give her his suit jacket. Bitterly, he jammed his hand through his hair and paced the circular floorboards. Gallant gestures would never be enough to bridge her fear.
It was too late. Perhaps it’d always been too late.
Sitting on the bench and staring down at her small hands clenched in her lap, she looked achingly young, as innocent and fresh as the first day he’d seen her in his classroom. That prim, frilly white blouse should have made her look like an old maid, but instead enhanced her delectable body. They’d lost so many years because of one lousy mistake.
He must have made some small sound, a breath of remorse, for her gaze slowly rose to his. His heart lurched. Colonel Healy’s ghost could have materialized right beside her in full dress uniform jingling with all his service medals, and Conn wouldn’t have noticed. He was too busy losing himself in her eyes.
Deep and soulful, her eyes had been the first thing he’d noticed when the shy, unknown student raised her hand during roll call in his class five years ago. His Romantic Period class was senior-level English, so he’d expected to know every single one of his students. Gleefully, he’d prepared to strike terror into the heart of this new student with his rigid classroom structure and demanding syllabus.
Instead, she’d struck him deaf and mute, then, too, drowning him with her eyes and the clear, sweet, pure glimpse of her heart. Nobody had eyes like hers. All the clichéd phrases of verse over the centuries dedicated to a woman’s eyes were proven in her gaze. Starry climes were just the beginning of what he’d sensed that day.
Here was a woman who’d never be able to lie to him, to anyone, because her eyes would betray her. He saw her shyness, the undeniable attraction she felt toward him, and the subtle siren call of a natural, thoroughly untrained submissive. From that first moment, he’d wanted to make her his. He’d wanted to be the one to show her how he’d treasure and love her with his control.
And then he’d stupidly ruined it all by losing that control he’d been so proud of.
What he saw in her eyes now shook him to the core. Fear and even longing he expected, but not guilt. Not from her. She was innocent in this whole mess. Anger dissolving, he quoted softly, “‘Oh! Let that eye, which, wild as the gazelle’s,/ Now brightly bold or beautifully shy,/ Wins as it wanders, dazzles where it dwells.’”
“Sounds like Byron,” she whispered hesitantly.
“Very good, Miss Jackson.” He sighed heavily. He had no idea what her married name was. Married. The thought still made him sick at heart. Mine, she could have been mine. Should have been mine. “I’m sorry. What’s your new name?”
She twitched with surprise, which almost made him smile. She hadn’t expected him to apologize. “After the divorce, I went back to Jackson.”
He gave a small nod. “I’m sorry for my reaction. I had a ridiculous preconceived notion that you’d been pining for me all this time, pure and aloof, and certainly not married to someone else.”
Her chin inched up and her eyes flashed, spirited but still heavily laced with guilt, which hadn’t been his intention. “We never had any commitments. I never—”
“You’re absolutely right,” he broke in gently. “We didn’t have a formal agreement. It just takes some adjustment in my mind to reconcile you with another man. What was he like?”
She shifted uneasily, her gaze dropping back to her hands. He waited, not pushing, but letting the weight of his silence drive her to give him the answers he needed. Had that one moment in his office shaken her so utterly that she couldn’t trust any man at all?
“We obviously didn’t get along very well because we divorced,” she finally answered. “I shouldn’t have married him. I don’t want to talk about him. Not with you.”
Ah, but that’s exactly what he needed the most, because something wasn’t adding up in his head. Her fear caused by his initial anger worried him. He’d seen only desire and shyness in her eyes tonight, before he’d found out she’d been married. Dread tightened his throat, but he fought for calmness in his voice. “Did you fight often?”
“At the end. He…didn’t treat me very well.” She forced a laugh, shrugging, and it broke his heart. He didn’t even know who the bastard was, but he’d break him with his bare hands if he ever ran into him. So many hurts and sorrows darkened her eyes that she tried to hide. “Daddy tried to tell me it was a mistake to marry him. He was right. I knew it was a mistake the day I married him, but…”
Slowly, he sat down on the bench, not too closely. She didn’t flinch away, which he took as a good sign. He stretched his arm out on the railing and traced the whorls in the wood with his fingers, when what he really wanted to do was feel the softness of her skin in the moonlight.
“I’d lost you, and I was so lonely.” Her voice was fragile, so low and soft he strained to hear. “By then, I figured you weren’t ever riding up on your white horse and it was too late for me to call you. I thought it’d help if I moved on with my life. I was wrong.”
Her voice broke and he had to touch her. Gently, he grazed his fingers across her shoulder. Shuddering, she moved, not further away but closer, enough that he could smell the sweet vanilla scent of her hair.
“Rae, darlin’, it was never too late.”
She shook her head, her shoulders straining, but she eased closer. If he moved an inch, he’d be able to drape his arm across her back and hold her, but was that what she wanted? He dared not move too quickly.
Anguished, he asked the questions tearing him up inside. “Did you really miss me? Did you need me? Did you think of me at all?”
Long moments passed, his heartbeat loud in his head. Barely breathing, he waited for her answer.
“Always.” Turning in a rush, she buried her face against his chest. “Oh, Conn, I missed you so much I wanted to die.”
7
Conn smelled as good as she remembered, only she’d never been wrapped in his arms like this. Careful and polite, he’d barely touched her that semester long ago until that very last day. She’d taken his final, turned her blue book in, and met him at his office, giddy, silly, and totally unprepared for the real Conn to peek out from behind his civilized professor veneer.
Of course, it was the dangerous, sexy, demanding man who’d pinned her on top of his desk for a slow, seductive spanking that she’d dreamed about all these years. She didn’t realize she was crying until he stroked his fingers across her cheeks to brush the tears away.
“Shhh, darlin’, don’t cry. Not a day went by that I didn’t miss you, wondering where you were, what you were doing, if you were all right. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Me, forgive you?” Confused, Rae lifted her head enough to see his face. So somber and reserved, his brow heavily grooved. “I’m the one who ran away.”
His eyes widened, one corner of his mouth quirking with startled amusement. “Did you forget what happened in my office?”
“I didn’t forget.” She swallowed hard. She’d never been able to forget, no matter how hard she’d tried. A hot wave flooded down her face and neck. Embarrassment, yes, but more. He’d revealed something in herself no one had ever seen before. She’d buried it, denied it, married someone else to try and wipe away his memory, but she’d never forget the way Conn had made her feel. “Are you sorry you did it?”
“I regret many things about that day. I should have made sure you understood what was happening. We should have talked and talked and talked some more before I ever attempted such a thing, so you didn�
�t feel pressured, unsure, or God forbid, afraid. I should have made sure you felt safe in every way and understood exactly how to tell me to stop. I’m sorry you were scared enough to run, but…”
His voice lowered, his fingers tightening on her chin. His eyes locked on her, daring her to pull away or deny the truth. “You enjoyed it. You found pleasure in what I did.”
She tried to answer, cleared her throat, and finally admitted the truth in a choked whisper. “Yes.”
Slowly, he gave her a smile that curled her toes and wrapped a fist of molten steel around her heart. He stroked his fingers down her cheek, sending goose bumps racing down her arms. “I wanted to be the one to teach you, which is why I made that mistake of rushing you. You were just so innocent and sweet, I couldn’t resist. You would have let me do anything.”
She squeezed her legs together, trying to quell the memory of his fingers sliding over her skin. Five years, and her body remembered every single moment. “I had no defenses against you.”
“You never came back to college.” His voice cracked, tight and grim. Although his hands remained gentle, his body tensed against hers. “I was your professor, and I scared you away. You didn’t finish your degree, did you? My greatest fear, my shame all these years.”
She shook her head. “It wasn’t your fault, honestly. Daddy was in a very bad accident the day I was supposed to come back to campus. He was electrocuted on a jobsite and nearly died. He lost a hand, a foot, and he’s unable to talk properly. With all his medical bills and physical therapy, I couldn’t come back to college, even if I’d wanted to.”
“I’m sorry to hear about your daddy.” Some of the tension singing in Conn’s body eased. His hand continued to slowly move up and down her face, wandering lower to her jaws and neck. “If you’d wanted to. So you didn’t plan to come back even before the accident?”
“I—”
“Truth, Rae. I still hold you to that promise.”
Her fingers wrapped tightly together in her lap. “I can’t lie anyway.”
“Everybody lies, darlin’, even if only to themselves, but your eyes always tell me the truth. I just want you to admit it out loud. Were you coming back to me before your daddy’s accident?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t have my car ready yet, I hadn’t packed up everything. I was…scared.”
“Of me?”
She nodded. “And of myself.”
“So my first order of business is ensuring you’re not scared of me this time around, because I promise you, darlin’, it’s gonna be damned difficult letting you out of my sight again.”
Despite his arms around her and some of their troubled past honestly discussed between them, she still tensed. She couldn’t help it. With too many demands, restrictions, and controls, he’d stifle her. She’d lose everything she’d gained the past year without her ex-husband all over again.
“Shhh,” he whispered, smoothing his whole palm against her throat. “Not that way. Not until you’re ready.”
“I don’t want to be ready. Not if you’re going to control everything I do. Not if I’m going to change to try and make you happy. I can’t go back to that.”
“Is that how your dickhead of an ex-husband made you feel?”
Laughter spluttered out of her throat before she could stop it. “Sorry, his name was Richard, and Daddy always called him—”
“Dick.” Conn nodded, his fingers massaging her shoulder, his breath fanning her face. He wasn’t threatening or loud, but tension still hummed in him. “Is that how he made you feel?”
Richard had made her feel like dog crap just about every single day. Remember how that felt, she told herself, firming her resolve. Never again will I let someone treat me like garbage. Not even Conn. “He was into control too.”
Conn made a low humming murmur, soothing and arousing at the same time, his fingers still dancing lightly on her neck. “I don’t control that way, Rae. Another misunderstanding of youth and innocence between us.”
“I’m not innocent,” she retorted, jerking her gaze up to his. Trouble. Mistake. He was close enough to kiss, and every muscle in her body sobbed for his mouth. “What do you want, then?”
He leaned closer, his eyes heavy lidded, his mouth tempting and soft. Surely that was the biggest misunderstanding of all, for a man like him would take whatever he wanted, especially a kiss. “You really have no idea what I want, darlin’. That makes you innocent. When I spanked you, which scared you more? That you let me do it, or that you enjoyed it?”
“Both.” She shuddered, drowning in the magic of his hands and his smooth, low voice. God help her, but what else would she let Conn do? Could she refuse him anything? “What was the question you wanted me to answer today?”
“Whether you still wanted me or not.”
Oh. Heat curled inside her. “And do I?”
He chuckled and drew her tighter against his body. “Oh, yeah. As much as I want you. Did you think about it today, Rae?”
She knew very well what he meant. “Think about how good I’ll taste.”
“Because if I was a controlling, abusive jerk like Dick, then I would have kissed you already and selfishly found out another answer for myself. I would have taken my kiss in your truck. Hell, I would have taken it when I had you trapped beneath me after I dragged you out from under the porch.”
She shuddered, remembering his weight on top of her, her hands pinned, her body controlled by his. “What answer?”
“How sweet are you going to taste?” he whispered, his hand still slow and gentle on her throat. “Are you going to moan into my mouth and slide your tongue deep? Or are you going to open up and suck me into your mouth?”
She wanted a kiss, she did, oh, she did. But how far would he take her? Caught in the burning intensity of his gaze, she felt like a twig tossed and drowned in a raging flooding river.
He didn’t move. If she wanted a kiss, she was going to have to take it herself. “Can I—”
“Anything you want.”
How long had she dreamed of his face, all rugged chasms and angled cheekbones? She traced her fingers over the planes of his face like a blind woman. Lightly, she feathered over his mouth, lips full and soft, hot velvet nibbling gently against her fingers. Scrambling onto her knees on the bench, she turned and cupped his face in both hands, stoking her thumbs on either side of his lips.
His hands left her, one hand gripping the wooden railing, the other fisted on his thigh. Unsure and a little afraid, she hesitated. Didn’t he trust himself? Was he afraid of what he’d do if he was touching her while she kissed him?
The wood creaked beneath his hand and his entire body flexed against her. There was such power in his big body.
“Daddy always told me that I’d know the woman I was meant to love by how hard I had to work to control myself when I was with her. You, darlin’, wreck my control with a glance, yet the light in your eyes ties me up in a fragile feather-soft bond I’m unable to break. I don’t want to break it. I want you more than ever, and I’m going to prove to you every moment of every day that you can trust me.”
She stared at him, struggling to sort through the emotions raging within her. “Did you just say that you—that you—”
“I loved you then, Rae, and I love you more now. Do your worst to me, darlin’. I can take it.”
Her heart thundered, frantic, loud and desperate. They’d lost so many years. Regret clogged her throat. She leaned closer, brushing her lips across his.
“I always loved you.” Her voice broke, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I’m sorry that I was a damned coward.”
“Shhh, Rae, it’s all right. It was my mistake, my fault. I should have—”
She pressed her mouth to his. Immediately, he opened his lips on a low purring rumble of satisfaction. Closer, she had to be closer. Straddling him on her knees, she slid her hand behind his head to comb her fingers through his dark hair. Inhaling him, she pushed her tongue into his mouth as he’d taunted to le
arn his taste.
Sweet tea, homemade bread, and deeper, just heat and sultry seduction.
And yes, she moaned into his mouth and she sucked his tongue deep, nibbled on his bottom lip, and tried to tell him how much she’d missed him.
Breathing hard and still crying, she kissed his cheeks, his nose, both eyes. “I never stopped wanting you.”
His hands came up to her back, his palms hot through the thin material of her blouse. “You’ve been on my mind and heart ever since you left.”
She looked into the endless depths of his eyes and started to drown again beneath his intensity. He must have seen the unease growing in her eyes, because he drew her down and simply held her against his chest. His heart beat strong and rapid against her ear, sending a sharp thrust of need straight to her core. He wanted her, this fantastic, wickedly sexy man loved her after all this time, even though she’d left him.
“What now?”
“Keep your two promises to me, no matter what. Tell me the truth, and don’t run. I’m bound to scare you again. Hell, I’m scared, too. I’m afraid I’ll screw up again and drive you away. When I start to scare you, we’ll cool it, back off awhile. All right? But you’ve got to tell me.”
She nodded without raising her head, more than happy to feel his arms around her, his strength cradling her and calming her fears.
“I’m warning you, darlin’. It’s been five years and I want you even more now than I did that day in my office. I’ve had all this time to fantasize about the many ways I ache to make love to you. We’ve always been in danger of spontaneous combustion.”
He smelled incredible, all woodsy musk, leather, and man. Such a man. She could lose everything to him, her heart, her pride, her soul. Even knowing the risk, she couldn’t make herself run again. “Just don’t hurt me.”
Easing her off his lap to stand before him, Conn stared into her eyes, his brow creased. “I didn’t hurt you that day in my office. Did I? I mean, really hurt you?”
The Connaghers Series Boxed Set Page 9