I don’t want to be nothing but a needy, weak burden for you to bear.
And so I hang up the phone.
~ Rae
Two warriors were trying to beat each other to death with swords, and Rae couldn’t tear her gaze away.
All right, so the “two warriors” were actually Conn and his friend Mason, tricked out in leather pants and white linen shirts hanging open with laces at the collar, but the swords were real. The incredibly loud clang of metal on metal was real, too. She didn’t know how sharp the blades were, but Conn’s sword was so heavy she’d barely been able to lift it. She couldn’t imagine how much they must have practiced in order to be able to swing the swords around so long and hard.
Despite the hint of fall color in the leaves, the day had warmed to a lovely Indian Summer golden haze, so both men dripped sweat. When they finally stopped the demonstration and bowed to the crowd, the watchers clapped enthusiastically. Even the Queen of the Fair inclined her head with approval.
Beer and wine flowed freely, and some of the people were rather unsteady on their feet. Not good when one rather large woman in a tightly laced—bulging—corset nearly toppled onto the Queen’s Joker. Snickering, Rae turned away. She couldn’t believe some of the costumes these people dared to wear. Maybe she could talk Conn into those extremely tight tights and cod-piece next time.
Nah. He looked too good as the barbarian warrior on the rampage.
He and Mason made their way over to Rae, grateful for the cold water bottles she’d picked up at the concession stand.
Swiping his mouth with the back of his hand, Conn asked, “What’d you think?”
“Impressive, Dr. Connagher. Very impressive.”
“You should see him with the katana instead of the claymore.” Mason slapped him on the back grinning ear to ear. “He’s poetry in motion.”
Conn snorted. “Dr. Poetry in Motion is sweating like a pig in these leather pants. Excuse me a moment while I change.”
Leaning closer, she inhaled his scent, all dark sweaty warrior. She made a low sound of approval in his ear. “Need some help?”
He winked at her and slung the duffel bag strap over his shoulder. “I don’t want to get kicked out of the fair for tossing innocent bystanders over my shoulder. Try to keep Mason out of trouble for a few minutes.”
Conn walked off to find an empty restroom stall, leaving Rae standing rather awkwardly with his best friend. Mason cleared his throat, apparently just as uncomfortable. With a little smile, she moved over to the nearby stall of goods. Most of the crafts were nice, but not really her thing, although she’d already spent a nice chunk of cash on an incredible hand-made leather purse she’d seen earlier. As roomy and large as a saddle bag, maybe she’d stop forgetting it.
This vendor was selling stained glass, everything from butterfly plant-pokes to incredible window inserts grand enough for a cathedral.
Or a front door at Beulah Land? “Do you accept commissions?”
Smiling, the man nodded. “Sure do. We also have classes here in Joplin and in Springfield. We have a beginners’ class starting up in two weeks.”
A class in stained glass. She never would have considered it, but now…it seemed right. She’d love making something to fix Miss Belle’s front door. In fact, she knew exactly what elements to include in the design. She picked up a class schedule and dropped it into her new purse.
She’d ask Miss Belle first, but she couldn’t wait to start.
Mason had trailed after her rather sheepishly. Trying to put him at ease, Rae asked, “How many students do you have at Drury?”
His mouth turned down morosely. “They gave me four sessions of Calculus I this year, so over two hundred.”
Inwardly, Rae shuddered. She’d only taken college algebra and that had been hard enough. “Is that bad?”
“It means I have a great many freshmen this year, very young and very foolish.” He nodded his head in the direction of a group of rowdy drinkers. “The most important things on their minds are beer and laws of attraction with the other sex.”
“I thought calculus was rather advanced.”
“It depends on the major. We have a lot of architecture students at Drury, and calculus is required very early in their program. In some ways, we use it to weed them out. Sad but true.”
He looked at her a moment, cocking his head slightly. “I must admit, when Conn told me years ago that he was interested in a student, I could hardly comprehend it. Most semesters he has as many Freshmen Composition classes as my calculus sessions, which means young and immature students. I didn’t think a first or second-year student would be able to hold his interest, but I was wrong.”
Rae felt a blush creeping over her cheeks, and her stomach knotted uncomfortably. She’d always felt like a shy, naïve idiot in his class, especially when she’d learned she’d stumbled into a senior-level English class, although she could certainly use the credits. “I didn’t mean to cause him any problems on campus.”
“Oh, no, no problems. I teased him unmercifully about being Dr. Perfect, so a little temptation to walk on the dark side was good for him. I’d never seen him fall for any woman, let alone a student. I thought he was a mess five years ago, but when he called me yesterday morning because you were gone…”
Mason gave her a hard look that oddly made her like him more. He’d been Conn’s friend much longer than she’d known him, and Mason obviously cared for him a great deal. “I didn’t run out on him again.”
Mason nodded. “He said it was a misunderstanding, but I realized something, Rae. I realized he loved you as much as I loved Julie. Losing you would destroy him.”
Unsure what to say, Rae moved slowly to the next stall of jewelry. Neither Conn nor Mason had commented about that night they’d picked him up from the bar and Miss Belle had played medium. The memory of that otherworldly feeling in the car still gave Rae chills.
“Actually, I’m very glad you’re back in his life, Rae. It’s too easy to get bogged down in exams and office hours, grading endlessly, preparing lectures, spending all our time with students. Every year it seems we must do more, teaching just one more class to help the college meet its needs. It’s easy for even caring deans like Strobel to take advantage of dedicated professors like Conn. He needs a life away from campus and the constant demands of teaching. You’ll be good for him.”
She tried to smile, but a nagging doubt bothered her. In many ways, Conn was still the teacher and she was his student, his teacher’s pet as that hateful Miss Barrak had accused. What if their entire relationship was skewed because she’d started as his student? Would she have ever considered letting him spank her if he hadn’t been her teacher first, or vice versa?
She didn’t know. She couldn’t imagine him any other way. She couldn’t imagine feeling any other way about him, ever needing him less. As much as she’d struggled to deny it, she needed his dominance, his control and strength of will. Her ass was still tender from his attentions and she’d felt an odd sort of pride walking about today, the tight denim a constant reminder of what he’d done last night.
How much she’d enjoyed it.
But what if he tired of playing that teacher role with her? Dread tightened her throat and her stomach churned. No matter what Mason said, she was suddenly very afraid she’d never be more than Dr. Connagher’s pet.
“You even got him on the Internet, an impossible feat to be sure.” Mason laughed and leaned closer to whisper in her ear. “If you really want to tease him, ask him to set up a poetry blog. I can’t wait to see his reaction.”
Rae forced a smile for Conn as he joined them, but she couldn’t push the seed of fear away. In fact, that seed sprouted and grew with each passing moment. From the very beginning five years ago, she’d feared needing him too much. She’d been afraid she wouldn’t be able to tell him no. She’d killed herself studying for his class, desperate to please him. A bad grade from him would have devastated her. Failing his class hadn’t been an o
ption, no matter how much she had to study.
Now, though, she faced a test for which there was no study guide. What if he graded her and found her lacking?
“You’re awfully quiet,” Conn said, glancing at her quickly and turning his attention back to the road. “Did you have a good time?”
“It was a blast,” she replied softly, her throat constricted with worry. The grooves in his face deepened and he shot another look at her, this one sharper. “I have something I need to ask you. Something serious.”
“Okay.”
“Are you…sure? About me?”
He laughed. “Every time I think about last night, I’m sure.” He glanced at her, and he wiped the amusement off his face. Grimly, he pulled over to the side of the freeway, slammed the Mustang into park, turned his hazards on, and then turned fully to face her. “What happened, Rae? Did someone say something to upset you? Why on God’s green earth would you doubt us now? So soon?”
She forced a laugh, fighting not to cry, and twisted the strap of her new hand-sewn leather purse in her hands, tracing the laces. “Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about last night, and wondering…” She shrugged, tightening her grip on the leather. “I mean, that was pretty extreme. You’re not going to want to…to…every night.”
“The hell I won’t. If you need me to spank you every fucking night I will. Gladly.” His voice growled out, and he cupped her chin none too gently, jerking her face around. He held her, squeezing tighter until she met his blazing eyes. So blue, so fierce. “Is that what you need, Rae? You need me to spank you here and now?”
“It’s not about that at all.” His grip was brutal, so she pushed her heartache to anger. Anger was much easier to deal with. “You can’t spank me and take me to bed and think everything’s going to be okay.”
“Let’s see, shall we?”
“No.” After worrying for so long that she couldn’t refuse him, she felt a grim, cold lake spreading within her as soon as she said it. He didn’t release her, so she pushed across that lake, slipping and sliding toward an endless maw of dread. “Ozymandias.”
He jerked his hand away as though her face seared the flesh off his fingers. Her heart splintered, shards of ice piercing throughout her body. He’d done exactly as he promised. So why did she feel like she was dying inside?
“I can’t…” Her voice quivered, but she kept a tight grip on her face and hands. She would not cry. She would not throw herself into his arms. She wouldn’t dissolve into a needy immature mess that he had to mop up on his way to the university. “I can’t do this.”
His face sagged. His breath rushed out on a sigh as though a linebacker had blind-sided him and pile-drove him to the ground. “Rae. Darlin’. I don’t understand. If you’re afraid again…”
“I’m not afraid.” Of anything but turning into a co-dependent addict in your bed.
“Then what?” He looked so bewildered and tragic that she couldn’t help bursting into tears. Still, she kept her hands clutched on that purse, refusing to touch him. “I’ll do anything, Rae. If you need to stay with Miss Belle for awhile, I understand. We’re moving fast, I know. I just… I love you, Rae. I want you so bad I can’t see straight.”
“You…deserve…better.” She gulped in a deep breath and jumped headlong into the icy dark water turmoiled in her heart. “I’m a mess, Conn. I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m falling apart our very first weekend together and I’m afraid I’ll drag you down.”
He made a low growl of protest, so she threw her hand up to silence him. If he interrupted her, she might never get it all out.
“I am dragging you down. I need too much. I’m a basket case already and you shouldn’t have to…to…babysit me each and every night because I need this or that and I don’t even know why!”
She gulped hard, trying to dislodge the boulder crushing her chest. “You’ll get bored eventually. Right now it’s a game, playing teacher’s pet, but you’re going to get tired of dealing with my insecurities and fears. You’re too much of a man to be stuck with a whiny wimp like me. I’m a doormat, Conn, and I always will be. I’ll always need—”
“God, I hope so.” His low voice thrummed in the tight confines of the car, tight with intent but not angry. Silence thickened, driving her to meet his gaze. His face had softened from the tight chasms of worry. He didn’t touch her, but he looked at her with such emotion, raw and honest and fervent, with so much love it took her breath away. “I hope you’ll always need me, Rae. Is that what you truly think of yourself? Do you think that needing me makes you weak?”
She shook her head. “Needing you to…control me. Taking command, dominating me, spanking me, whatever you want. That makes me weak. I’ve never had a will when it comes to you.”
He closed his eyes a moment, a fine tremor in his shoulders. When he spoke again, his voice had thickened, telling her his pulse had skyrocketed with her words. She was trying to warn him off, and she’d merely succeeded in arousing him. Fiercely, judging by the blaze in his eyes.
“You couldn’t be further from the truth, darlin’. Don’t you know that you make me the man I am? You challenge me to grow into the man I can be, always pushing, always exploring new boundaries. Not just yours, but mine. You trust me to take care of you, to take you to the limits of what you can comfortably endure, always trusting me to take you back safe and sound. Do you think just anyone could trust me like that? Can anyone else test me like you?
“For years, I dated ‘normal’ women and tried to hide what I was, but it never worked out. I was miserable, living a lie and pretending that I was happy, when inside this great yawning pit of need grew and grew and grew. You fill that pit, Rae, you fill me to bursting. I don’t have to hide from you. You’ve already seen my worst, and even more amazing and wonderful to me, you enjoyed it. For the first time in my life, I don’t resent my needs. Truth is, if I were anyone else, safe and boring like Dick, then you wouldn’t need me so much. You need to equal my need, darlin’. We’re matched in that regard. So if you’re a needy doormat, then I’m a needy asshole who’s going to cry like a baby if you send me packing.”
She searched his face, struggling to contain the hope bubbling up inside her chest. “But—”
“I need you, Rae, exactly the way you are. If that means spanking or cuddling, yelling or wrestling, going to bed or simply holding hands on a walk, we’ll do it. Because meeting your need fulfills my need. Loving you fulfills me completely. If you don’t let me take care of you, my own need will just eat me from the inside out like a black hole.” Gently, he cupped her cheek in his palm and brushed his thumb feather-soft over her lips. “Need me, darlin’. The more you need me, the happier I’ll be.”
She gave him a shaky smile and let him brush her tears away. “Then you must be one happy man because I need you so much I can’t breathe, I can’t think, for wanting you.”
“The happiest man alive,” he agreed solemnly.
Burrowing into his arms, she clutched his shirt and breathed his scent until the fear of losing him subsided. “I’m afraid I’ll fail you, Conn. I won’t be enough to keep you interested.”
He choked back a laugh and smoothed her hair. “Darlin’, I’m so interested I feel like a stallion breaking down his stall to get to the mare in heat.”
“The sex is great, yeah, but what about everything else? Your job, my job, our lives… I don’t want to only be your teacher’s pet.”
“I want to be in your life no matter what that means, and this teacher wants to pet you all over, forever, the rest of our lives. If that means quitting Drury so I can shingle a roof with you all day, then I’m there.”
“That’s not what I mean,” she protested miserably.
“I know, darlin’.” He tipped her face up to his but he didn’t kiss her. They shared the same air, breathing in each other’s exhale until she felt dizzy. Without stripping a single item of clothing, he was inside her, penetrating her, possessing her. “As lo
ng as we’re together, I don’t care what happens. We may live here forever, keeping Miss Belle out of trouble. I hope you’ll finish your degree at the college of your choosing. We’ve got the rest of our lives to decide what we’re going to do. We’re in this together, no matter what lies ahead. Who knows, maybe we’ll move back to Texas.”
“Oh, no, don’t even go there.” Rae pulled back, letting mock horror—that wasn’t so fake when she thought about living anywhere near his mother—fill her face.
He smiled but didn’t laugh, sliding his hand down to grip the back of her neck and hold her close. “Are we okay, then?”
“Yeah.”
The last bit of tension bled out of him. “Good Lord, Rae, you nearly gave me a heart attack. You’ve given me the most priceless gift of all. As long as you trust me not to hurt you…”
“I do trust you. Completely.” A thought flickered across his face, and although he didn’t speak of it, the muscle in his cheek ticked. She knew exactly what he was thinking. “Yes.”
Shaking his head, he turned the key in the ignition and the Mustang’s powerful motor purred to life. “You don’t even know what I was thinking about, darlin’.”
“You were wondering if I trust you enough to let you tie me to your bed.”
“How did…” His hands opened and closed hard repeatedly on the steering wheel. “Are you sure?”
“The night we made out on your couch, you said the only thing that could make it better was if I was tied to your headboard. I just ask—”
“Anything,” he replied immediately, whipping his head around to search her face.
“Don’t make me laugh like Richard did.”
A slow smile curved Conn’s lips, a heavy-lidded arrogance and barely veiled aggression that sent chills down her back and moistness between her legs. “If you laugh, darlin’, it’ll be because I told you to.”
28
“If you get a ticket—”
“It’ll be worth it.” Gripping the steering wheel so hard he feared it might crack, Conn concentrated on regulating his breathing. When his voice wasn’t rumbling with aggression, he continued. “We need to set some ground rules. First, I want you to know that I will never tie you up and then leave you. Never, not for any reason, will I leave the room when you’re helpless. At any time, give me your safe word and I’ll get you out of whatever I’ve used.”
The Connaghers Series Boxed Set Page 25