by Saffron Blu
My stomach churned at the possible meaning behind his lack of actions. I couldn’t lie still any longer, so I turned on him. “Are you going to explain what’s going on, or do I need to jump to my conclusions, and let me tell you what you’re giving me right now isn’t giving me any nice ones,” I said, faking a calm I didn’t feel as tears welled in my eyes. I was more than grateful he couldn’t see them in the darkness of the room. I didn’t want him to be guilted into anything by my emotions.
Matt took in a deep breath, and I couldn’t tell if it was to calm himself or simply to give himself an extra couple of seconds to think through what he was going to say. I focused on just listening to his words and his voice as he opened his mouth, knowing those were the only things I could go on in the dark. “Nothing is going on. Will and I spoke, and we agreed what happened between the three of us doesn’t have to change anything.”
My eyebrows hit my hairline. “What? You and Will chatted? I know you both have history, but since I was somewhat involved these last few weeks and thought if there were a future in that, I’d be part of it, and my opinion would at least matter for something.” I’d been angry before, but now my blood was boiling. If my opinion was that unimportant to him, and Will for that matter, this conversation was over.
It was all over.
I wasn’t going to spend another minute in bed with him.
I shoved at his chest and moved to turn back around, but his hands locked on my wrists, tugging my arms to pull me against him and trapping them between us.
“Sammy!” His voice was soft and gentle, but I wasn’t going to be that weak and let the fight fall from me that quickly. I kept my body stiff against his as I ground my teeth together. “Of course, your opinion matters. It’s just… Will was right this morning when he said I hadn’t changed. I can’t be with him without hiding who we are. I know that makes me a coward, but—” He growled in frustration as I felt his body shake, making me think he was shaking his head. “There’s no ‘but’. I am a coward. I’m sorry we didn’t involve you in our conversation, but I love you, and nothing between the two of us has to change unless you can’t bring yourself to love a coward like me.”
My anger dissipated immediately, and I relaxed against him, pressing my forehead against his chest. I was disappointed and felt lost knowing we wouldn’t have something with Will. I was falling for him, but that didn’t mean anything had changed about my feelings toward Matt. “I love you, too, Matt. You being scared won’t change that. Ever.” I pressed a kiss to his chest, right over his heart.
We laid in silence as Matt’s hand stroked up and down my spine causing goosebumps to break out on my body. As much as I loved him, I needed him to know that I was genuinely attracted to Will, and although they’d agreed just to forget and try for friends or bandmates, I might struggle to accept that at first.
“You and Will have had years to get used to not being together even though you both harbor feelings for each other. And I know I was only with you both for a few short weeks, but there was a connection between the three of us that I’ve never felt before. It might take me time to accept that it’s just the two of us.”
Matt’s fingers brushed against my chin, tilting my head enough for him to press a kiss to my lips before pulling back just a fraction. “That’s understandable. But we were working just fine before Will arrived, and I’m sure we can get back to that in time. I’ll give you as much as you need.” He pressed another kiss to my mouth, and after one swipe of his tongue against my seam, I went compliant beneath him. I wanted him.
Whether I wanted Will as well, it didn’t matter. That was no longer a possibility. I wouldn’t want to give up Matt for anything, and I proceeded to show him that in the best way I could.
Chapter Forty
MATT
Sam didn’t take long to drift off to sleep after we’d shown each other what our hearts felt. I loved the feel of her soft, relaxed body wrapped in my arms. Every night, the second I got into bed, I slid in behind her and ensured she was embraced in my arms. She never complained even when she’d been asleep. She’d simply press a kiss against the bicep across her chest and muttered a ‘night.’ Tonight we were in the same position, but my heart wasn’t elated. It was breaking because I knew this was the last time I’d ever hold her like this.
I’d be leaving before sunrise, never to return.
I loved her with my whole being, and because of that, I had to let her go. She’d made it clear she had an attraction to Will, just like I did, and it was my fault she couldn’t explore that. If we stayed together, she’d have to deal with that every single day. If she came to America with me and joined us on tour, he’d be right in front of her but totally unreachable. I couldn’t make her live like that. At least if I left now, she’d get a clean break, and once she was over us she’d be able to find someone who could give her everything she wanted.
Everything she deserved.
I backed out of bed as gently as possible, only releasing my breath when I knew for sure I hadn’t disturbed Sam’s sleep. Glancing around the room, I was suddenly grateful that I’d been living out of my suitcase because that meant I didn’t have to dig around in closets for my clothes. Zipping my case closed every morning was also a blessing because I was fairly sure that noise would wake up Sam for sure.
I felt sick with guilt as I walked through the silent house. I shouldn’t be scuttling away in the middle of the night. I should be thanking the Jonas’s for allowing me to stay and giving them all hugs goodbye. Hell, Sam deserved an explanation, but this way, she’d at least hate me and therefore get over this so much quicker than the pain it would cause if I stayed to explain myself. Nothing would change, and I’d still be leaving because, at the end of the day, I couldn’t make Sam live through the pain I’d been living for years all because I’m a coward.
No. This is for the best for everyone.
When I landed in New York, I turned my phone on, and within seconds, it was blowing up with notifications. Most of them from Dom and a couple from the other guys. Knowing I had to face the music sooner or later and feeling safe enough with all the miles between us, I pulled his contact up and pressed call.
“Matt. What the fuck?” Dom’s voice was full of disbelief.
“Sorry. I had to leave. I—”
“Hang on, buddy.” His voice went muffled, and I could just hear him excuse himself to somebody in the background. A second or two passed, and he was back, his voice as clear as ever. “Right, I’m on my own now. What’s going on?”
I told him the only thing I thought he wouldn’t delve too far into. “Sam and I would never work long term. Neither of us could handle the distance. So I needed to leave before either of us fell too hard and couldn’t survive the end.” I swallowed past the lump in my throat. At that moment, I knew it was too late. I’d already fallen, and there was no surviving losing Sam.
It was something that would haunt me forever.
It was like I was repeating my own mistakes.
Only this time, I was letting the two loves of my life go.
Chapter Forty-One
WILL
I ran a hand over my face as I stepped out of the bedroom, hoping to make sense of what I thought I could see so early in the morning. Dom was pacing the dining room as Aimee held Sam in a comforting hug.
“Dom will get to the bottom of it.” I heard her promise as she watched Dom with a worried gaze. It almost seemed as if she didn’t believe her own words.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Dom pulled the phone from his ear and stabbed at the screen with his finger before putting it back to his ear. “Isn’t that the million-dollar question?” he said with a humorless laugh.
I gave him a blank look, waiting for him to fill in the blanks, but he just kept up with the same jabbing at his phone and then putting it back to his ear.
“Matt’s left. Gone back to New York, I assume.” Sam’s voice was small, and I hated hearing it like that. She h
adn’t seemed weak for even one second since I met her, but now being held by her best friend, I just wanted to wrap her in my arms.
“Fuck!” Dom slammed his phone on the table, and I cringed at the high probability of it being broken. Although Dom no doubt had the money to replace a broken phone, being a rockstar and all.
Sam stepped back out of Aimee’s hold. “He slipped out during the night. He’s probably in the air. I’m sure when he sees all your missed calls, he’ll return them.” She brushed past me and reached for her bedroom door. “I’m gonna—” she stopped mid-sentence.
I placed my hand on her shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. “Take five minutes for yourself to think. That’s what you’re going to do while I make you a coffee.”
Sam stepped out from under my hand and disappeared into her room. As I headed for the coffee machine, I noticed Aimee watching Sam’s closed door, her brow furrowed with worry. I hadn’t known Sam half as long as Aimee had, and I was concerned too.
What the hell was Matt thinking?
“Come in,” Sam called after I knocked on the bedroom door.
I had a muffin on a plate in one hand and a coffee in the other. I glanced around and caught Aimee’s eyes. “Could you…” I nodded to the door.
She smiled. “Sure.” Reaching around me, she opened the door and nudged me in. I expected her to take a moment to check on Sam, but once I was in, I heard the door close behind me with a click. I was very aware it was just Sam and me in the room.
Sam was sitting on the bed, her back against the headboard, her messy bun pressed against the wall, and her eyes closed. I stopped beside her, unsure of whether to disturb her or not. I wouldn’t say she looked at peace, not with the slight furrow in her forehead and her lips tightly pressed together, but she definitely looked like she was deep in thought.
She cracked open an eye and took in the plate. “I appreciate the trouble you went to, but I don’t think I can stomach anything right now.”
“That’s okay. I’ll leave the muffin here, and if you get hungry later, it’s right there waiting for you,” I suggested, placing the plate on the bedside table.
I walked around the bed and mirrored her position against the headboard. I kept quiet, knowing if I were in her place, I’d be grateful for the company but wouldn’t want someone to start telling me what they thought without actually asking them about it.
“I can’t believe he ran out in the middle of the night,” she uttered in the quiet room. “I thought we had something special.”
I placed my hand on her knee to comfort her. “I know I’ve not seen you guys together long, but from what I have seen over the last couple of weeks, you do have something special. Don’t ever doubt that.”
She nodded in acknowledgment, and I watched as a tear trailed down her cheek. “I just wish I knew why. If he didn’t think he could tell me to my face, surely, he could’ve left me a note. It’s the least I deserve.”
I couldn’t help but feel like I was the catalyst in all this. If I’d never stepped foot on Australian soil, Matt wouldn’t have left as he did. I wanted to fix this for Samantha. Hell, for them both, but I wasn’t sure I could. I knew for certain that I couldn’t even try while I was still here. I needed to go home and speak to Matt face to face to get to the bottom of things. I’d thought we’d sorted it all out when we spoke in the garage, but clearly, I read that situation wrong. I’d been doing a lot of that lately.
“I’m going to change my flight and go speak with Matt,” I told her, having come to the only conclusion I could live with.
She turned to look at me, her brows drawn in a frown. “You can’t do that. You’re here to bond with the band and write your album. You still have a week left.”
I shrugged. “A fifth of the band is missing, and that fifth is half the writing team. So, the album isn’t going to be written here anymore.”
“Huh… I guess that makes sense.” She sighed and flicked her gaze away from mine. “He still loves you, you know?”
I didn’t want to admit it out loud because acknowledging that broke my heart a little more, but it was obviously true after how he’d reacted while the three of us were intimate these last weeks. But like Sam said, she deserved the truth, even about this. “He does, but not enough. Asking him to come out to the world, although it is a huge thing, I don’t think it’s asking too much in the grand scheme of things.”
Sam placed her hand on top of mine, and I twisted my hand beneath hers, curling my fingers so we were holding hands. “It isn’t. Not at all. A love like what you two have for each other shouldn’t be hidden away from the world.”
Her words warmed my heart, and I offered her a grateful smile.
“Promise me you’ll do whatever it takes to get the happiness you both deserve?”
“I will,” I promised, knowing that the only way to get that would be to have Sam in both our lives. We’d never work as a couple, not after the three of us. Sam was just as much our soul mate as we were to each other. We were a destined ‘throuple’ if that was even a word.
Chapter Forty-Two
MATT
I stared at the four walls of what was once my childhood bedroom but now a generic guest bedroom. I didn’t blame my mom for redecorating at all—the plan had been that after our tour, I was going to buy my own place. It was just that Australia happened, and my search got a little delayed. I’d honestly not even thought about it once while I was away. Now, though, I decided it was most definitely my top priority.
There was a light tapping on the door. “Matt, are you awake? Someone is here asking to see you.”
My heart thumped in my chest.
Could it be Sam?
Could she have followed me back?
“He doesn’t look anything like the person he says he is, so I shut the door in his face. But he hasn’t left yet, so maybe he isn’t lying about his identity.”
I shook my head at my stupid thoughts jumping straight to Sam. She didn’t even know my parents’ address, so she’d be the last person to turn up here. She probably hated me for leaving as I did, which was exactly what I’d been aiming for when I left, so I shouldn’t be pining over her right now. “I’m coming.”
Mom still stood outside my bedroom door when I opened it. She offered me a shrug as she led the way to the front door.
“Who did he say he was?”
“Will Sibree. But this guy is broad and tattooed. He doesn’t even resemble the sweet kid Will was.”
I laughed. “Mom, people do grow up, you know.” My brow furrowed as I wondered if it really was Will. His flight wasn’t due back for another couple of days. Gary had booked Will, Kat, and Al’s flights to return a few days earlier than Dom’s and mine, since he had no idea what our itineraries were, and no matter how much he asked us about them, we were not letting it slip.
I pulled the front door open ready to blast whoever it was, but as soon as I laid eyes on Will, I closed my mouth without uttering a word.
“Hey,” he offered. He seemed unsure, no doubt wondering if he was doing the right thing by being here. My eyes roamed down his body on their own accord. He was casually dressed in sweats and a t-shirt, and then my gaze drifted to the suitcase at his feet.
“You came straight from the airport?” I asked him with a wide-eyed stare.
Will nodded, causing the longer parts of his blond hair to bounce on top of his head. “I had to. What was going on in your head? Why did you leave?”
I glanced behind me to make sure Mom wasn’t eavesdropping and then quickly pulled the door closed. I didn’t need her to get on my back about settling down with a girl, not now that I knew it wouldn’t be happening. Ever. Nobody would fill the Sam-sized hole in my heart.
“I did what was best for everyone.”
“How the hell do you figure that? You left Sam without a word of explanation. She’s destroying herself trying to work out where you guys went wrong.” Will sighed like he was disappointed. “She thinks she must have been
the only one to feel like what you had was special.”
Just the idea that she was thinking made my heart hurt. I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “She wasn’t, but if she thinks that, she’ll maybe move on quicker.”
“I don’t understand. What I saw of you two, you were a great couple meant for each other.” There was a longing tone behind his words, and I couldn’t help but feel that same longing too. The three of us were meant for each other.
I didn’t have Sammy in my life for long, but I now knew those days would be the happiest of my life.
Will ran a hand through his blond locks, and mine itched to follow. “I can see you’ve made up your mind, even if I do think it’s the wrong decision and you’re going to live to regret it.” He bent and grabbed his suitcase and left me to chew on those ominous words.
I had a peaceful couple of days after Will left. Dom had seemingly given up on calling or messaging me, and I only received two calls from Kat—one to tell me she and Al had both returned home, and if I wanted to hang out, I’d be more than welcome to visit them, and then a second a couple of days later telling me Dom had come home early. He’d apparently gone straight to his room and not made another appearance. According to Kat, their mom, Rosa, was acting strange as though she knew what was happening but wouldn’t talk about it.
What a bunch of silent brooders we all seem to be. As much as I was gutted things hadn’t worked out between Dom and Aimee like we’d all thought they would, I was a little happy he’d be distracted enough not to be on my back about up and leaving Australia like I did. I knew I should touch base and offer him my condolences, but I was also well aware of what it was like to want to be alone and deal with shit by yourself and in your own way.