The iFactor

  “I’m sorry Matt,” Vanderhaar face appeared before him, he held out the bloody chip that had been Jill’s.

  The chip grew horribly in his mind, becoming the secondary sun -- a massive explosion sent incalculable stellar material in a massive plume racing toward its massive partner, dimming to the image of Jill ran across a catwalk in the dome, the buildings far below, she turns to face him; the sound of a gunshot rings out. The bullet strikes her in the chest sending her flying off the catwalk. Matt dives to try to grab her but can only watch as she plummets, blood flying from her chest wound, into the city bellow. Despair drives him to his knees, as he wipes the tears from his face he sees an unknown dead woman is splayed out before him, her internal organs laid out in patterns around the body. A shadow crosses over the scene. A feeling of familiarity fills his consciousness; it’s the killer’s shadow. He rises to him, gun in hand. He can almost make out the face.

  The doorbell startled him out of his sleep; before he knew where he was, he was on the ground reaching for his gun. The bell rings again, he raises his gun and points it at the door. He won’t get her, he swore to himself. He can’t have Jill.

  “Matt. Are you there?” Jill’s muffled voice came from behind the door. “Matt.”

  Oh, God! She was in danger. What was she doing here? He ran to the door and opened it. Jill stood there smiling. Keeping his gun at the ready, he grabbed her with his free hand and yanked her into the apartment. As she flew headfirst into the table by his chair, he slammed the door and braced it shut with his body. All he could think of was that she was here, she was safe.

  “Matt, please put the gun down. You’re scaring me.”

  “Gun” Matt opened his eyes. The chair, table and Jill were scattered about the floor. Jill looked shaken.

  “In your hand.” she moved over to him slowly. “It’s alright, there’s no one here but me. It’s safe, I will never hurt you. Please, for me. Put it down.”

  “I’m sorry,” Matt let the gun fall to the floor as his eyes welled up with tears. “I’m not safe to be around.”

  “Do you want me to leave?” she moved closer.

  “No!” Matt yelled, reaching for his gun again. “It’s not safe out there, there’s a…”

  “I know,” she said. “I was there. Remember. It’s horrible, but no one is going to hurt me.”

  “You don’t know that?” Matt relaxed back into the doorframe.

  “Is that why you grabbed me, to save me from a killer?” She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. “You are such an idiot. Why would anyone want to kill me?” She slumped down next to him, putting herself between him and his gun.

  “Who said killer?”

  “Matt, no one believes that man did it to himself. Besides why else would you be trying to protect me?”

  “I had a dream about a killer. If he hurt you, I don’t think I could take it.”

  “You had a dream, and you threw yourself into harm’s way to save me?”

  “Sorry, did I hurt you?”

  “Not hurt, just surprised.”

  “I am too dangerous to be around.” Matt sat up and started to stand. “I’ll call an officer to take you home.”

  “Is that what you want?” she asked.

  “What I want is to not have PTSD. I want to be able to live a normal life.”

  “PTSD?” she asked.

  “Post-traumatic stress.”

  “I know what it means.” she cut him off. “It does explain a lot.”

  “Like?”

  “Why you are so edgy around me?” She said.

  “It’s not you, it’s been a little more stressful at work than usual.”

  “I get it.” she responded. “A murder on Sirius, I can’t imagine anything more stressful.”

  “You don’t know the half of it.”

  “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not allowed to.”

  “Are you seeing anyone about it?”

  “A psychiatrist. He gives me medication and therapy games. Usually helps but, lately, it’s just too hard. Too many people to watch, too many unknowns. It’s getting too dangerous. I think I need to resign my job. There was much less stress as easier as a cargo inspector.”

  “What happened?” She looked sympathetically into his eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  “What caused your PSTD?”

  “Oh,” he slumped back down. Could he tell her the truth? He wanted her so badly and if he told her the truth, well how could any woman, let alone a teacher love a child murderer. That might be the answer to keeping her safe, however. If he drove her away, then the killer would have no reason to target her, and he was tired of hiding it. He wanted to tell someone. “Okay, I’ll tell you. Then I can call an officer to escort you home if you want.”

  “It can’t be that bad.”

  “I was a detective, on Earth. Working for the Dallas PD, that’s in the United States.”

  “Yes,” she said. “I know.”

  “It was during the food riots.”

  “Oh, “her voice dropped. “I’m sorry.”

  “The people had been on food rationing for over a month, they were hungry, angry. Much of the population, the very old and very young were dying of hunger. A large shipment of food came in, enough to feed the people for a week with no rationing. It would have saved thousands of people who on the verge of death.”

  “The history books said the food was bad.”

  “Yeah, when the people found out they started to riot, hell, I would have too. Their children were dying; looking into the inner city was like looking at history footage from the images from Africa in the twentieth century. They were desperate. First, they attacked the distribution sites, then the governmental offices. My partner and I were investigating the cause of the distribution problems, just before all hell broke loose. I was following a lead, when I was struck from behind and left for dead. When I awoke, I got the call to report to the suppression line. My mind was fuzzy, my head still hurt like hell. The people charged at us. The order came to fire into the crowd. I did, just before passing out. When I woke, I was facing charges of killing children.”

  “You didn’t…”

  “I don’t remember. My partner was at my side, I read his report. I remember leveling my gun, then nothing. But the report detailed how a child, a little girl, ran into the line of fire and was killed by my gun.”

  “But how can you know?”

  “I have nightmares; I still see her head exploding. I did it.”

  “Oh Matt.” she took his arm.

  “Anyway, when I was released from the hospital, I faced a police tribunal. It was ruled an accident, but I was broken, a broken child killer. My mind suppressed the memories of the event. I spent months undergoing therapy. Finally, I was cleared for again duty, but no one would risk hiring a child killing police officer with post-traumatic stress.”

  “How did you end up here?” she asked.

  “After Dallas, my partner retired from the force and took a job as the chief of police for the colony.”

  “The chief of police was your partner?”

  “Yeah,” Matt told her. “And possibly the only man in the universe who would risk putting me on the payroll. So I left Earth for a fresh start.”

  “But there’s more isn’t there?”

  Matt gulped hard. What harm could it do to tell her? He would have to resign in any case. “There was an incident during the trip. I was short dosed, exposed to the mind rip. I don’t know why I didn’t end up a screamer, or a burnout. It’s crazy, but I think that because my mind was already suppressing memories, the memory of the mind rip went into the same hole. Does that make any kind of sense?”

  “I little.” She said.

  “The mind rip. They say that during the faster than light trip you experience the past, future, and space, years of it all at once.”

  “Yet you survived it.” she said. “What was it like?

  “I suppressed it.” He said. �
��I don’t remember.”

  “What?”

  “My PSTD got worse, but I suppressed all of it, the entire experience. Eight years of past, eight years of future, eight time my perceptive range external and internal. It’s in there.” He tapped on his skull. “But it’s locked away fighting every second of my life to escape, like a caged beast.”

  “What happens if you remember?”

  “If I start screaming uncontrollably, we’ll know.”

  “How horrible for you.” she leaned her head on his shoulder.

  “That’s why you have to leave and stay away from me.” He said. “I could have hurt you just then.”

  “Pshaw! You were having an attack and the only thing you thought of was keeping me safe. I couldn’t be safer.” She stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him up. “Come on, my turn to look after you. Get a shower and get to bed. I’ll keep guard in case anything happens.”

  “You?” he asked.

  “Sure, the door’s secure, I’ve got your gun and I’ll wake you if it looks like you’re having nightmares.”

  The look on her face allowed Matt no room to debate, and to be honest he really didn’t want to. He quietly walked off to his shower. The water flooded over him, easing his stressed muscles. When he came out of the shower, the room was cleaned up and Jill was sitting on his chair. She rose when he opened the door.

  “There you are,” she smiled. “You look, and smell much better.”

  “Thanks I think.”

  “Now, off to bed.” she gently shoved him toward his bed. Once in his bed she set on it beside him. “Don’t worry, it’s my time at guard duty.”

  “If I have an episode, it may not be safe to be with me.”

  “I can take care of myself, I’m a big girl.” She tucked him in and then lay next to him until he went to sleep.

  Matt, didn’t have nightmares that night.

  Chapter 33

  For the first time in many years, Matt was awakened with a kiss and a sweet soft caring voice. “Matt, sorry, but it’s time to get up.”

  Matthew Dales responded with the graceful tongue of a poet, “Huhuguh!”

  “Come on, the office called. It’s time for you to get to work. They didn’t say why, but it sounded urgent. I told them I’d have you out the door within ten minutes. You like me too much, I hope, to make a liar out of me.” Jill shook him gently.

  “Up,” Matt started. “I’m up.” He felt more rested, more in control than he had in a long time.

  “Your uniform is clean, and on the end of the bed. I’ll get you something to eat.” she walked into the kitchen area, leaving him to get himself together.

  Matt walked to the table to see it cleaned and set, as much as his meager dishes collection would allow and set with coffee, and toast with jam and peanut butter. “I didn’t know what you liked, so I opted for carbs protein and caffeine. Sorry you didn’t have much in the apartment, and with your state of mind this afternoon, I didn’t want to go out lest you awaken to an empty apartment and go out to try to save me again.”

  “That’s not funny.” Matt said. “Look, it’s possible that the person who killed the man in the pond is fixated on me. He might go after anyone close to me.”

  “And I was the first one you worried about.” she flushed and bounced to the sink to clean her hands. “After you shift tonight can we get together?”

  “Don’t you have to teach?”

  “I’ll get a substitute.”

  “On one condition.” Matt told her.

  “Name it.”

  “Stay around people all day, I mean a lot of people at least three or four at all times.”

  “Sure, I go to the cinema.” She joked.

  “Not what I meant, stay visible.”

  “Yes, sir.” She gave him a mock salute.

  “Great.” He said strapping on his gun belt. “Now, I’ll drop you somewhere. Where?”

  “I’d like to take a long walk in the moonlight.” Matt glared and she smiled at him. “I’ll go shopping.”

  “Okay then.” he bent over to kiss her, and she let him.

  Chapter 34

  At the station, everything was bustling. If he didn’t know better, Matt would have sworn that he walked into a military operation. As far as he could tell, every officer on the force was at the station. At the front of the entryway, Rishards stood, clipboard in hand handing out duty assignments. Matt stood with his back to the wall near the main doorway.

  He walked along the walls toward the rear until he reached the restroom. He found an empty stall and locked himself in, took a deep breath, and reached into his pocket for one of his pills. Fumbling with the package, his shaking hands managed to put one of them into his mouth. The stall next to him closed unexpectedly. He had assumed it was empty. The shock ran through his system, his jerking hand released the package it slid across the stall.

  The walls closed in on him. He could feel the cold steel of the padded sleep tube as the keenly as he had when the ship’s medic closed it on him, after giving him his injection of the drug to protect his brain from the Mind Rip, the drug that he’d been short dosed. His hands gripped tightly to the toilet set on which he sat. He couldn’t go out there, with the officers mobilizing, he couldn’t face the people in the Dallas street again, so much death. An image of the girls face exploding was all he could see. The sounds of the group beyond the door, officers arming to face the rioters.

  “Dales,” the desk sergeant’s voice broke his dark reverie. “You in here?”

  “Yeah,” he responded still focused on the scattered pills. “Be out in a minute.”

  “Hurry up,” he said. “You have a visitor. And for the record, you don’t merit a find like her.”

  “Jill?” Matt tried to keep his voice steady even as the walls of the stall closed in on him like a casket. He tried to imagine himself back on the beach.

  “She didn’t give a name. Cute, wavy hair. I think I’ve seen you with her a few times this week. Don’t tell me you got more than one like her. That would be just plain greedy.”

  “Tell her I’ll be out in a moment…Please.”

  “Sure, you feel alright?” He asked.

  “Ate something, it’s not agreeing with me.” He focused on visualizing the waves lapping over his body, the sound of the ocean, and the cry of the seagulls. Pebbles on the beach, pills on the floor. Matt fell to the floor, retrieving the package, he he’d been taking a lot as of late. There were only five left. He’d need to make an appointment with his psychiatrist; he’d need a stronger prescription. For the first time, he doubted his ability to do the job. After it was over, he’d ask for a desk job.

  He breathed and visualized; sun on the water, girls in the bikinis. The more he blocked out his surrounding, the more the faces at the beach became Jill’s. It comforted him, with her he felt safe. All right then, he thought. Focus on her. He remembered the feel of her body on the bed next to him, the warmth of her body seeped through the thick blanket between them. He struggled to remember the feel of the kiss he was awoken with, and the smile that greeted him with breakfast. Was this what love felt like, or was she just a diversion from the impossible situation he’d been promoted into. He should never have accepted the job.

  No, focus on Jill. Did she love him? The thought made him feel warm and calmer. Whether or not she felt that strongly about him or not, the thought that she might was helping him to regain control. He took several more deep breaths and focused on the thought that she waited for him in the chaos behind the door. For her, he could face it. He flushed the toilet and walked out of the stall. The restroom was now empty, he washed his hands and face and left the room confident that he was going to her, not back to the pain and insanity of Dallas.

  The room was a less crowded. Matt assumed that the officers had been issued their assignments and left the station to attend to them. Jill sat smiling, on a bench along the back wall, her eyes lit up when she saw him. “It’s about time.”

  “
You are supposed to be shopping.” Matt said.

  “I said that, didn’t I?” She replied. “I’m on my way. I just wanted to give you something.” She pulled him down to her and kissed him passionately. “And to tell you I pulled the ‘I’m a stressed out crime victim’ card and I have the next few days off. I’ll be waiting for you to finish your shift, give me a call. We have some stuff to talk about.”

  “I haven’t had a chance to check in yet.” Matt scanned the room. “Something is up, I don’t know when.”

  Jill held up a finger playfully to shush him. “When you are done I’ll be waiting for your call.”

  “Waiting where?” Matt asked. He didn’t want her to be alone, even for a moment. He couldn’t drive the image of the bloody chip or her falling to her death.

  “Some place with a lot of people.” She said in a monotone. “I’ll go shopping, then hang out some place at the mall.”

  “Don’t trust any message from me unless it has the word …” he struggled for an obscure word from his memory that wouldn’t sound too ridiculous. “Pacific in it.”

  She eyed him for a few moments. “You really believe the person who killed the man in the pond might come after me, just to get at you?”

  Matt looked into her eyes in an attempt to show her he was serious. “What is the word?”

  “Pacific.” she said plainly. “Maybe you should look for a different job; this one is making you paranoid.” She stood up and kissed him again.

  You’re preaching to the choir, Matt thought. She waved goodbye and walked out, with a gesture to remind him to call her.

  “Seriously, Dales,” the desk sergeant grumbled. “First the promotion, then a girl like that. The world is not fair.”

  “You can have the job.”

  “Screw the job,” the sergeant laughed. “I want the girl.”

  Matt felt only that whatever they were feeling for each other, it was stronger than any bond he’d had with a woman for a very long time, possibly stronger than he’d ever felt for any woman. “Not sure she’d go for that. She seems to like the fixer up models.”

  “Yeah, sometimes my greatness is a burden.”

  “Yes,” Matt agreed. “For us all. What’s my assignment?”