“I love what you’ve done with the damask on that miniature sofa.” Glory said.
“You are remarkably cheerful. Whatever has got into you this morning?” Liberty asked.
“I’ve had a lot of ambrosia and I’m starting to sober up, hence the cheerful demeanour.” Glory picked up the little figure that represented Aphrodite.
“I can’t remember the last time you were fully sober. Are you naturally jovial then?”
“Oh yes, very much so.” Glory chugged away at more ambrosia. “We have to be on best behaviour on Olympus so I thought I’d stop drinking for a little bit. I get a little jolly hockey sticks, but there’s still an undercurrent of cynicism there. I’m much more subtle than I normally am.”
“Gosh you’re thoroughly charming aren’t you? Well this is a terrifying development.” Liberty paused before getting back to business. “So I spoke with Hera and I’ve written down the list of attendees and my goodness it’s going to be a tough crowd so perhaps ‘Charming Glory’ is the order of the day.”
“Alright, could you pass me the guest list please?” Glory said as Liberty handed it over. Glory whistled. “Boy this is a nightmare, maybe we should just be shrinking violets. There are enough huge personalities here who will talk over everyone. They’ve invited your mother, and mine I’ve noticed. Well she won’t be attending.”
“My mother is going to stop by on her way. I said we’d give her a lift. I’m happy to drive.” Liberty said.
***
It was 2.30pm when the doorbell rang. Asia was standing at the door in a mink stole and a powder blue dress with matching jacket, shoes and pillbox hat. She looked sharp. Glory opened the door as Liberty was upstairs perfecting her war paint.
“Hello Asia, would you like to come in?” Glory asked.
“Hello Glory. How are you today?” Asia said as she walked into the hallway and peaked into the living room. “Goodness are these all those outrageous dresses I’ve heard so much about. Did you know that Hera tried to pick my outfit for me? There’s no way on this earth she was getting away with that for my only child’s wedding. Such impertinence. Judging by these I made the right decision.”
“Mine’s not too bad. Thankfully it’s lacking in taffeta.”
“Well that’s a small mercy.”
“Liberty said she wouldn’t be a minute.”
“That’s alright, I am a little earlier than agreed. You look nice Glory dear. Very cute but also sort of sensible. Like a librarian with a past.” Asia turned around and saw Liberty walking down the stairs. “You look lovely sweetheart, now let’s go and get this over and done with. Glory, your mother isn’t coming is she?”
“No she is unable to make it.” Glory said putting her jacket on.
“Thank goodness for that.” Asia said winking. She had never been a fan of Britannia’s. Asia knew full well that Glory had done her in but she wasn’t going to say it out loud. That was the last thing Hera needed to know today.
“Alright let’s go then.” Liberty said jiggling her car keys in her hand.
Tea Off
Hera’s drawing room was like walking into Herodotus’s Who’s Who of goddesses. Titans and Olympians to the left, dryads, sylphs, nereids, oceanids and every other nymph under the sun to right. There were quite a few faces that Glory recognised from her various escapades over the centuries and there were a couple of Asgardians dotted around. She’d have to spend a few hours dodging Sigyn and her knitting stories. Glory felt bad for Liberty, she was the one who was going to have to talk and smile at everyone, Glory could slink away into a corner. Liberty and Asia were being swept up into the babble of conversation. Liberty was putting on her best happy face. Glory suspected that she’d disobeyed her ban on drugs and popped a handful of Xanax. Glory slunk away from the cloud of congratulations that surrounded Liberty and went over to the table and poured herself a cup of ambrosian tea. She noted that the tea had been arranged like a buffet rather than being served to them, how barbaric. She took her tea and found her corner to watch from. She was doing quite well for twenty minutes making small talk with a very pleasant meadow nymph when Aphrodite walked into the room. Glory looked out through the window and could see Ares gesturing wildly to her to get out, but it was too late now, she was in the cage with the tiger and the tiger was hungry for blood. Glory took her sunglasses off and put them in her handbag.
“Hera, what a lovely arrangement you have here.” Glory said as she walked past. She had never been so grateful to see Hera in her life. That was something she never would have thought possible.
“Thank you.” Hera said, most graciously. She could sometimes tolerate her husband’s bastards for a short time if they were as amenable as this Glory girl appeared to be.
“What lovely china you have. It’s far superior to my mother’s collection of Wedgewood.” It wasn’t superior in the slightest but Glory knew that the longer she had Hera's attention the longer she could avoid Aphrodite. Aphrodite knew better than to suffer Hera’s wrath for ruining her lovely tea party.
“Yes it is rather nice isn’t it?” Hera was enjoying being praised for her domestic prowess.
“It’s such a delicate pattern and it complements the damask of the curtains very well. Did they model Versailles after this room?” Glory asked. She had found Hera’s sweet spot.
“Why yes they did. It is so nice to come across a young person with an interest in rococo soft furnishings.” Hera was charmed by Glory; she had momentarily forgotten that she was one of her husband’s many illegitimates. “So you’re the girl that Ares talks about.”
“Oh I doubt that he says much.” Glory was aware that she was beginning to sound like the humble heroine of a Jane Austen novel, but hey if it was working. Aphrodite was standing next to the ambrosia cake looking sour. Looking sour was difficult for a goddess of beauty and yet Aphrodite was managing it marvellously
“Quite on the contrary, he talks a great deal about you.” Hera led Glory into the open room and away from her safe corner. Hera liked that Glory dressed conservatively. Glory reminded her of Princess Diana. Hera liked Princess Diana, the poor woman was frightfully put upon by that awful husband of hers. “Do you play the pianoforte?”
“A little, but very ill.” Glory was fully plagiarising Elizabeth Bennett’s character now.
“I’m sure we would be delighted if you played for us.” Hera gestured towards the piano. No son of hers was going to marry a girl with no accomplishments. Well she was actually just quite pleased that he wanted to get married to anyone that wasn’t the already married Aphrodite.
“Well I suppose I could.” Glory wandered bemusedly to the piano and sat down hoping the blasted thing was tuned. She looked out of the window again and saw that Ares was still there but now he had been joined by Apollo, Eros, Hermes and Dionysius. It was as if they could smell a large congregation of females nearby and couldn’t help themselves but try and get a closer look. They were all standing there waving at her like goons. It took everything she had to not flip the bird. Well Apollo wasn’t waving, he just looked concerned. It was miracle that in her druggy fog this morning she had decided to be sober today. If she hadn’t have been she knew she’d have been doing a cantabile version of Sexual Healing, she was desperately fighting the impulse to do it when sober even though she knew it would have been disastrous. Instead she played a lovely little tune that she’d heard on the radio that morning when she was in the bath soaking the sex away. The tune carried itself out of the window and down through Olympus. The boys stopped their waving and their arms fell to their sides. Not one of them had known that Glory was musically gifted and they were all mesmerised by the majesty of it.
Hera came over once Glory had stopped playing. “I thought you said that you could only play a little that was delightful.”
“Well I’m out of practice. We don’t have room for a piano at our house so it’s been quite some years since I’ve played properly. It’s a nice tune isn’t it?”
“It
was lovely.” Hera said. Aphrodite was still pacing around the room. “Would you like another cup of ambrosian tea? I shall go and fetch you one. Please play us another melody. That was most enchanting.”
“Yes, that would be lovely.” Glory caught Liberty’s eye. Liberty was stuck talking to Leto and Artemis. Glory started playing Clair De Lune very gently. She quickly glanced out of the window and saw that Hermes was holding it open and beckoning for her to climb out. Suddenly she heard a clucking noise from the other guests as Apollo entered the room in a big showy way. There to see his blushing bride, apparently. This was Glory’s chance. She dashed out of the window. On having seen Glory safely exit, Apollo quickly made his excuses. On his way out he leaned in to Hera to explain that Ares had wanted to speak to Glory on his own and he had asked Apollo to create a small diversion so that Glory could leave without tongues wagging. Hera winked at Apollo. She understood.
***
Glory was stuck in Hermes’s living room. She was squeezed on the sofa between Ares and Dionysius; Eros sat in an armchair whilst Hermes dashed about playing the host with the most.
“Today has been extraordinarily strange.” Glory broke the silence.
“Are you normally this charming?” Dionysius said.
“I am when I’m totally sober.” Glory said.
“Yes I wondered if that was it. Well I like you both ways.” Dionysius said.
“Was that a euphemism or not? I can never quite tell with you.” Glory said in response.
“You see that was actually a very mean thing to say but you delivered it so captivatingly.” Dionysius said. “I’m rather confused now.”
“Do we think it’s safe enough for me to go home yet? I’ve got so much work to do. Why on earth was Aphrodite that deranged this time? I can’t think of what I’ve done.” Glory pulled her phone out and text Liberty to apologise for leaving her there so abruptly.
“You see, utterly enchanting” Dionysius said.
“I doubt it’s safe just yet. Could we shoot Aphrodite with a tranquiliser dart of some sort to knock her out?” Ares asked looking pointedly at Eros.
“What and risk a century of being cock blocked? Not a chance.” Hermes said coming into the room with tumblers of whisky and ambrosia.
“Could I just have pure ambrosia please?” Glory asked.
“We could always just go to the pub.” Dionysius said.
“We could just go to the pub.” Hermes agreed.
“I’m going home. There are cities to bomb tomorrow.” Glory said.
“That would be so much more fun with a terrible hangover.” Dionysius said hopefully “You could even get your housemates to come.”
“Was that a euphemism?” Eros asked his cheeks were beginning to flush.
“I don’t know myself anymore.” Dionysius said.
“Come on I’ll drive you home. I’ll sleep on the sofa if you like in case Aphrodite turns up and makes it rain fire.” Ares said. Dionysius, Hermes and Eros all exchanged a knowing look. Ares did not sleep on girl’s sofas. He did sleep with girls on sofas however.
“Is she capable of doing that? You can’t get into the living room there are so many bridesmaids’ dresses everywhere.” Glory said. Ares wondered when she got so naïve. Not that he minded it was sort of adorable. A moment later Apollo walked through the door a little bit sweaty.
“I didn’t realise Aphrodite was that fast. She realised pretty quickly that you’d ducked out of the window so she followed me back to mine and is still waiting out the front now. I had to put some Wagner on loudly and lock the doors before evaporating here. Right, I have a suggestion let’s all go to the pub. I need a stiff one.” Apollo said looking at the group “Glory are you sober? You’re not nearly as acquiescent as this normally. I’m not complaining it’s just alluringly weird.”
“Will you all stop calling me charming? It’s all anyone has said to me all day and I’m finding it tiresome.” Glory was starting to feel a little angry being wedged so close to Ares.
“Let’s go to that boozer you and your girls go to all the time.” Dionysius said getting up from the sofa with enthusiasm “Alright, it’s settled now, let’s go.”
“Oh alright then.” Glory said a little flustered.
“Come on let’s get some air. Ares is making everyone angry. Are you in a bad mood brother?” Apollo asked. Ares just shot him a look that said ‘you cock blocking twat’.
The 19th Hole
Glory had found herself wedged between Ares and Apollo in the back of Hermes’s car. Dionysius wasn’t gentlemanly enough to offer her the front seat and Eros said he’d fly over to The Queen’s Head after he did his eHarmony matching for the day. It had been tremendously awkward as both Ares and Apollo tried to press themselves into her, both maintaining that their legs were too long to sit comfortably. Glory just looked straight ahead and sang along to the radio with Hermes. The station was playing music by this creature called Taylor Swift. Glory had never heard of this Swift thing before but she bloody loved it.
“Have you texted your housemates?” Dionysius asked swivelling around in his seat.
“Yup Lib is going back to check that KW2 is ticking over.” Glory said.
“Tell her not to worry it’s ticking over just fine so she may as well come straight over.” Ares hadn’t really noticed that Apollo had a thing for Glory before, but he was relieved that Glory ignored him pretty much.
“Will do.” Glory said, continuing to text away on her phone “I sent Bea and Honour to Valhalla tonight as we hadn’t been for a few days and our absence had been noticed. Honour says that they’ll join us later about 9pm ish. I think they’ve been penned into a corner by Freya whose been going on at them for twenty minutes about her waxing routine. Sigyn got sent to the tea party in lieu of Freya so she’s missing a sycophant to talk at.”
“Who’s Sigyn again?” Dionysius asked.
“She’s one of Freya’s handmaidens. She’s married to Loki and she is enormously boring. Sigyn is very sad to look at.” Glory said. Apollo looked downcast.
“And we’re here.” Hermes said pulling into the car park at The Queen’s Head. There was another awkward moment when both Apollo and Ares held open the door for Glory. She got out of Ares’s side not to encourage Ares so much as to rile Apollo. He was an engaged man after all. Every now and then when she did things like that she wondered if Eros had lied to her when he agreed to take her feelings and put them in a box. Then she vaguely remembered a sub-clause about occasionally acting the way her feelings would have made her if they’d still been there. Her feelings did exist just not in her so she felt neither the pain nor the ecstasy of love but it made her look like an idiot very occasionally.
They walked into the pub. Hermes offered to get the first round in, Dionysius went to reserve a pool table, and Ares, Apollo and Glory went to find a booth.
“Glory I missed what you said you wanted.” Hermes said from over by the bar, good old Geoff was pouring away.
“I’m good thanks. I’m not drinking tonight.” Glory said.
“What?” Geoff said dropping a pint of Guinness. “Don’t say that I’ll go under. They’ll turn my pub into luxury flats.”
“Calm down Geoff dear. I’ll be back on it by tomorrow.” Glory said although somehow she didn’t think this was true.
“Pool anyone?” Dionysius said as he found their table.
“Go on then.” Apollo had realised that he may have been a little too brash earlier. He needed to keep up the semblance of a god about to get married to another girl for Athena’s blessed plan to work, even if he didn’t want to leave Ares alone with Glory for too long.
“So what exactly happened with Aphrodite this morning then?” Glory always thought that you shoot the elephant in the room squarely between the eyes rather than skirt around it, pressed up against the walls trying to avoid its great hulking mass.
“I dumped her.” Ares said.
“That explains that. Can you break up with a love goddess?
I mean is that even possible?” Glory asked.
“Well I just did it.”
“Will she self-implode now or something? Surely you’ve just proved that Aphrodite is fallible when it comes to being in love?” What Glory really wanted to ask was why he dumped her but she didn’t want to hear the response.
“Well when you put it like that it does beg the question.” Ares sidled up to Glory in the leather booth.
“Well this is going to be a very interesting week.” Glory said.
Hermes returned from the bar with a tray of miscellaneous booze. “What were you talking about?” Hermes asked as he sat down. Apollo noticed over his shoulder that Ares and Glory were no longer alone together which set him at ease.
“Nothing” Ares said.
“Whether Aphrodite will blow up now that she got dumped.” Glory said.
“Good question. I suppose that it is a possibility. If she blew up what would she be made of?” Hermes asked.
“Well she’s a literal walking cock so she’d probably just be left with a jizz explosion.” Dionysius said bobbing his head around the corner.
“How vulgar of you to say so.” Glory took what little was left of the moral high ground in the conversation.
“What does it matter?” Ares said. He could smell Glory’s hair.
The Valkyrie Page 17