by Mia Ford
“It’s different with Patrick, isn’t it? You know that. I don’t ever have to worry when I’m with Patrick, he doesn’t make me nervous or uneasy. I don’t ever feel like I’m on a roller coaster while I’m with him. But that’s better, isn’t it? Chasing danger, thinking about boys that are wild, that’s all just childish now.”
Mandi doesn’t speak for a while and I can feel a tight knot of tension forming in my chest while I wait for her to answer. I need her to say that I’m right, that I’m making the adult decision for a smart future. I can see where me and Patrick would lead, and it isn’t the worst picture in the world. We will slowly fall into a dependable love, then we’ll move in together. One day, he’ll take me out for a nice dinner and propose, so we’ll have a small wedding. After that, we will move into a sensible property so we can eventually fall pregnant and have our children; a girl and a boy called predictable names like Laura and Luke. An easy, carefree life without the ups and downs that come with intense excitement and danger. The highs might be fun, but the lows are so bad that they overshadow everything. I don’t know if I have the emotional ability to go through that.
“I am going to be brutally honest with you,” Mandi declares. “Just like I have been in the past, but this time I want you to really listen to me.” I nod so that she knows I understand her. “You and Patrick are the most incompatible people that I’ve ever met in my life. You don’t have anything in common at all.”
Woah… now I find that shocking. I haven’t ever thought about our relationship in those terms, I just think about how good he is for me, how dependable and reliable he is. That’s all I care about.
“Just because we’re a little bit different, doesn’t mean we’re incompatible,” I huff.
“I don’t think you see it because you want it to work so badly, but you don’t. You have always been studious, but you like having fun as well. I don’t ever see you laugh with Patrick.” I shift uncomfortably in my seat as I rack my brains trying to think of an example to prove her wrong. “He’s always trying to make you go to the gym, and that isn’t ever going to be you.” She holds up her hands to stop me from protesting. “And I know that you have a membership and that you ‘just haven’t found the time yet’ but what that really means is you don’t want to go. “Also, Patrick doesn’t push you. He never makes demands of you which I don’t think is a good thing.” She smiles to herself. “Jon is always challenging me, making me see things differently. He’s always pushing me to be better. Even when it annoys me, I want to be pushed. I want to feel like there’s more I can do.”
I do not like the picture she’s painting one bit. In temper, I cross my arms over my chest and pout like a child. “Maybe I’m not like you,” I shoot back. “Maybe I prefer things to be easy and simple.”
“You might for now,” she reminds me. “But that will bore you soon enough, and I haven’t even brought up sexual chemistry yet because the pair of you do not have a scrap of it between you.”
This brings a heat up to my chest. One drunken night I might have confessed that Patrick doesn’t really know how to work my body and that even when I explain things to him, he doesn’t quite get it. I don’t think he wants to hear it to be honest. I wasn’t trying to bad mouth him when I said those things, but I suppose in light of the chemistry that me and Zane shared on that fateful night it might now seem like another point against him.
“So, you’re saying that I should get rid of my perfectly nice boyfriend to chase after some tattooed biker bad boy who screwed me over the first time around and who doesn’t seem to ever want anything serious? That seems like terrible advice to me. Talk about not having anything in common. We share nothing.”
Mandi looks nonplussed at my outburst. “You might have more in common than you think, and actually at least you have the intense sexual chemistry. That’s a good place to start. The rest will follow.”
I can’t believe it, for a second, I actually soak in her words and I consider them. We’re older now, both me and Zane. He’s definitely ‘the one who got away’. Maybe this isn’t a chance meeting but a second opportunity to make things work. Maybe, I should take a step back and just give him a try to find out for sure…
“No.” I shake my head determinedly. “You’re getting into my head, but I can’t. I have Patrick, we’re committed to one another. Just because our level of commitment might not be the same as other people doesn’t make us wrong. We’re happy, we’re content. I don’t intend to shake that up just because Zane is back. He screwed me over once, he’s more than capable of doing it again. Even if he did say sorry…”
“He said sorry?” Oh God, I should have known that Mandi would leap on that. “Oh wow, that’s huge. For a guy like that to apologize for his behavior, that’s massive. That must mean…” She spots the daggers that I’m shooting her way. “But it doesn’t matter what it means because you are already very happy. Sorry. I know that you just told me that, I should be a bit more respectful, I don’t mean to look like I don’t understand your choices, I’m just trying to let you know that you aren’t stuck. There are other options out there…”
I breathe out a sigh, one that should be of relief but I don’t know really. I feel deflated, like a balloon that’s been let down. I was all fired up because of Zane and now I’m just back to feeling a little empty over him. In a weird way, it’s always just been terrible timing between us. Maybe if things had been different, we could actually try and now see. But they aren’t and I need to accept that.
“Urgh, Mandi, just get me some chocolate, will you? I’m dying over here.” I decide to turn things around to something a little jokier instead. That’s easier than delving head first back into the days of being a teenager when I was obsessed with the guy that I couldn’t have. “And something to drink. A coffee, if you don’t mind.”
As she leaps up to get me what I want, I smile thinly at Mandi. I bet inside she’s being driven crazy. After five years, the name ‘Zane’ shouldn’t even be crossing my lips again, but I have a feeling that I’m not going to be able to stop talking about him again for a very long time. Not until I escape him completely, whenever that might be, however I can make that happen…
Chapter Sixteen – Zane
Walking through the door into Kings does give me that feeling of coming home that I hadn’t had before. The smell of the place, the buzzing atmosphere, the familiar faces all gives me a warm sensation in my chest. It’s good. I start to regain that part of me that I let go some time in the last five years. I’m back, baby, truly.
“I’ll get the drinks in,” I tell Brandon and Jenny with a smirk. “You go and take a seat.”
They do, with their arms sickeningly wrapped around one another. I thought that it wouldn’t bother me to come out with the pair of them together as the third wheel, but to be honest the more that time goes by, the harder it is. I’m not used to Brandon being with anyone, back in high school no girls got close enough to actually be his girlfriend because he was more concerned with taking care of his family, so this loving side of him is too much. I just need a break, a moment to see what other people I can spend some time talking to.
Maybe I’m jealous because I don’t have that, I think, trying to be honest with myself. Maybe I want to be in a relationship myself. Or maybe it’s just because I want to hang out with Brandon alone…
“Oh my God!” a high pitched, squeaky voice grabs my attention. “Is that you, Zane Morris?”
I turn to see a vaguely familiar female smiling back at me. I know that I know her, I can tell we’re acquainted in some way or another, but I’m not totally certain how. I guess that’s something I’ll just have to work out.
“Oh, hi… how’s it going?” I offer her a wide smile before I turn on the charm offensive so I can find out what I need to know. “It’s been such a long time, I’m just trying to remember people…”
“It’s Sally. We were in high school together. I was a cheerleader in a couple of classes below you, but we wer
e always at the same parties.” Ah, it’s starting to come back to me a bit now. “But it isn’t just me. I’m here with someone that you’re very familiar with.” She pauses for a moment, allowing anticipation to build. “Rosa!” She leans behind her and yells. “Rosa, get over here, girl. You will never guess who I’ve just run into.”
Oh shit, Rosa. The one person who I hoped would have skipped town a long time ago. I remember the last time I saw her, at Brandon’s party right after my secret hook up with Leah, when she came in and started yelling a whole bunch of crazy stuff at me. I wonder if she still hates me after all this time. Maybe I should run.
“Oh, Zane.” Rosa looks pissed the moment that she sees me, but as she defiantly runs her hands over her stomach I know that she can’t still hold a candle for me at least. Not if that pregnant belly is anything to go by! “I thought we managed to get rid of you five years ago, but here you are…”
I rub the back of my neck awkwardly. “Yeah, so did I but I guess here I am, back again.”
I half expect another tirade of abuse to come my way, but thank God it seems that Rosa has finally learned to let go because she gwarfs out a laugh and pats me hard on the back. “Everyone leaves, they all think that the grass is greener on the other side, but all of them come crawling back because this is the best place in the world.”
I don’t know about that, I’m not sure that’s the reason I returned. I guess I just wanted to be back with all my old friends and in a place, I know well. I could have stayed in California, but I always would have had that urge to come and restart the life that I was ripped from without much warning. Just to see what it can be.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I laugh weakly. “Would you girls like something to drink?”
I order them both something and stay talking to them for a while. Now that I know Rosa is okay with me, it’s nice to catch up. Plus, I keep getting glimpses of Brandon and Jenny giving each other the googly eyes and it’s sending a shiver up and down my spine. I don’t want to sit there and watch that, I just can’t.
“I just have to go to the bathroom for the hundredth time,” Rosa eventually declares with an eye roll. “I’ll be back in a moment. Zane, you look after my Sally. She’s a legend. Don’t let any skeevy guys talk to her.”
“Yes, Madam.” I give Rosa a mock salute. “I will do what I can. Don’t have the baby while you’re in there.”
“What baby?” As she says this dead seriously, I feel my heart drop. She hasn’t actually talked about being pregnant and I’ve heard about people having it mistaken before. Maybe she’s just gained a lot of weight in one place and I’ve just really put my foot in it… “Oh my God, look at you, you’re a mess.”
Rosa walks away laughing, probably glad to put me in my place again, but as she swings her arm up I get a glimpse of the snake still there. The tattoo from when she was crazy for me. I wonder how she’s explained that away to whoever she ended up with. I’m pretty sure that my name never came up at all!
“You know, we never hooked up in high school,” Sally shocks me by declaring suddenly, the moment we’re alone. “Back then, I was way more into Brandon, but now I think I was wrong. I think I should have been into you the whole time. You have a real…” She runs her eyes up and down me, eating me. “Sexiness to you.”
“Oh.” She has me shocked, I’ll be honest. I haven’t had anyone be so forward with me in a very long time. I need to regain myself quickly before I wind up looking foolish. “Well, we were young then. I suppose we all made mistakes. I can’t believe I never tried it on with you anyway, just to get back at Brandon.”
“You never really tried it on with anyone,” she replies slowly while circling the straw in her glass. “Not that I can remember anyway. All the girls just threw themselves at you so you didn’t need to try.”
Actually, I think that she might be right. There’s only one girl I can remember ever trying with and that’s the one who stuck in my mind and would crop up every so often, no matter where I’ve been.
“Maybe it’s time for both of us to rectify that,” Sally continues while running her tongue along her teeth in a suggestive manner. “Don’t you think? Have a bit of fun for old time’s sake. Have the hook up that should have happened back then?” She runs a hand right up my thigh, nearing my groin. “What do you think?”
For a second, I’m tempted. I might not really remember Sally back in high school, but she’s hot now. She has the look of someone who’s desperate to cling onto her teenage years, but for now she’s managing to pull it off. It could be fun, a nice way to bring myself back here, especially when it seems like she really doesn’t want anything serious, but I can feel a hold in my chest, stopping me from taking any action.
“I don’t live too far from here,” she continues while rolling her tits out towards me. “Or we could even go to the bathroom if you’re that keen? Then we could come back out afterwards and no one will be any the wiser. Rosa might have her fiancé now and a baby on the way, but I think she’d kick my ass for fooling around with you. Not because she wants you but because it’s hos before bros, and all that. You know, girl code.”
The fact that she’s talking about girl code in the same sentence as asking me to fuck her is laughable. Old me definitely would’ve gone for it. I would have enjoyed the dangerous aspect to it, but tonight I’m not feeling it. I don’t want to assume that it’s because I’ve seen Leah and I’ve been reminded of the person I might have become, but I know that’s a big part of it. Screwing Sally is reverting too far back. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I actually do want to take everything that I’ve learned to become a better version of myself.
“Sorry, Sally,” I say while hopping off the bar stool. “But I have a guy code too and since you fooled around with Brandon I don’t think I can. You have a nice night though, okay? Say bye to Rosa for me.”
“What?” Her face flames red with rage. I have a funny feeling this might be the first time that she’s ever been rejected for a random hook up. “Guy code? You and Brandon used to hook up with the same girls all the time.”
“Yeah… in high school.” Did we? I suppose we just hooked up with so many that we never really thought about it. “But now I’m more grown up. I don’t want to be that way anymore, so I guess I’ll see ya.”
I turn and walk quickly, trying to avoid a scene. It’s time to face the love birds because at least there I won’t be able to cause any unnecessary drama. I forgot how much it follows me around here!
“What happened there?” Brandon laughs as I take my seat. “Was Sally trying to bed you? She’s gone a bit like that these days.” I guess Jenny doesn’t know that he used to bed her all the time back in the day. Probably best that I don’t bring that up! “I can’t believe that you rejected her though, what has gotten into you?” He turns to Jenny, basically ignoring my shrug. “This guy was honestly the player back in the day. He had all the girls drooling at his feet. It was sickening. I think the only one who didn’t like him was Leah.”
My heart leaps, I wonder if this is a trap. Does he know and he’s trying to get me to confess?
“Well, I can imagine that Leah doesn’t like anyone who isn’t super dependable,” Jenny answers, trying to be a bit diplomatic about the whole thing. “I mean, look at Patrick. That’s her type, right?”
I stare into my glass darkly, wishing that I could make some sort of derogatory remark about that. Boring Patrick will be out of the picture soon, then they’ll see that he was never her type. There’s no way she has the chemistry with him that she does me, no chance in hell. She’ll succumb to it soon enough.
“Let’s get rip roaring drunk!” I yell with a sudden burst of defiance. “I’m back and it’s time to celebrate. What do you think guys?” They share a look, speaking in silent couple code, which pisses me off. I don’t want to be on the outside of that, especially not with my very best friend. “Oh, come on, it’ll be fun. We can go back to being sensible tomorrow. For tonight, let’s just ha
ve some fun.”
“Fine,” Brandon finally answers with a grin. “Fuck it, why not? It isn’t every day that the wonder boy returns! Let’s get the shots in.”
“I think I might leave you boys to it,” Jenny says, ducking out. “Have a good time, okay?”
I don’t know if she just doesn’t want to get drunk or if she sees that we need some time alone together, but I’m grateful that we’re getting space. Maybe me and Jenny will end up getting on alright in the end, who knows?
Chapter Seventeen – Leah
My eyes snap open rapidly, I feel like something has shocked me awake. For a moment, I remain lying in my bed in a bubble of panic, trying to work out what it was. My mind concocts all kids of wild theories from the world ending in a blaze of fire, to a crazed gun man in the house, but in the end once my brain calms I realize it must have been something happening in my sleep. I have vague memories of he who shall not be named knocking at the door and reshaping my life in the craziest way possible. I cannot believe that he still creeps into my dreams after all this time. It’s been five years and still Zane Morris sometimes stars when I sleep.
Wait! All of a sudden, I bolt upright in bed. Wait, that wasn’t a dream, he really is here.
My pulse kicks up again as I try to work out what really happened and what didn’t. My brain is already a bit sleep addled in the morning, but today it feels off the scale. It’s almost as if something dramatic has shaken me right up. Something dramatic like the one person I never thought I would see again showing up.