by Mia Ford
“Oh bless him,” Brandon whispers, sounding incredibly concerned. “Is there anything we can do for him? Does he just need to sleep or something?”
“I think so.” I give him a one shouldered shrug. “I’m just waiting for the nurse to let me know. That’s where I was going actually. To find someone, but I bumped into you instead.”
“Right okay.” Brandon looks a little pale, like he can’t quite cope with what’s going on. It makes me feel terrible. “So we should just go inside and wait.”
I keep my fingers looped through his and I wave our hands back and forth while I look at him lovingly. “Look, Brandon, I really do appreciate you staying here with me, it’s such a kind offer but I can do this by myself. I don’t mind if you want to go back to your motel. I shouldn’t have asked you to come and meet my dad. Now that I’m hearing the words aloud, I can hear how crazy it sounds, so maybe we should pretend I never asked that question.”
He snatches his hands away from mine and puts them on my cheeks. Then he pulls me towards him for a kiss. As his lips crash into mine I can feel a desperation behind them which I’m sure comes from the dilemma that I’ve accidently put in front of him. This wasn’t ever my intention. I kiss him back, but my mind spins the whole time.
“I’m coming in with you,” he finally gasps into my mouth. “I want to be here, come on.”
Then he takes my hand and he leads me into the room, not waiting for me to argue with him at all. As we enter and get nearer to my father, I forget all about Brandon’s inner dilemma and I suck in a deep tense air once more. This really isn’t easy. I’ve been through it more than once before, and it never feels anything less than stressful.
“So what will they do for him?” Brandon asks quietly. “What happens now?”
“They manage things, sort him out and send him back home again.” My voice cracks with emotion as I speak. “That’s all they can do, it can be a bit of a vicious cycle.”
Brandon puts his hands on his hips and he narrows his eyes. He looks like I did in the beginning, he wants an answer that just isn’t ever going to be there. I remember it well, but I’ve given in now. I gave my hope for a cure a whole lot of time and effort, and it exhausted me. Now I’m in a better place because I’ve accepted it. It is what it is, I suppose.
“And has he seen every specialist available? Has he dealt with every doctor?”
“We can’t really afford to see every doctor.” I know Brandon doesn’t understand this, he lives in a world where money isn’t an issue, but I need to make him understand. “So that holds us back but we’ve done everything that we can.”
Brandon parts his lips as I brace myself for him to say something that I won’t want to hear. It’ll be something money related and since that isn’t something that I can change I just don’t want to hear it right now. It makes my shoulders hunch around my ears.
But before he can get even the first word out, my dad makes a groaning noise that grabs both of our attention. The words fall apart on Brandon’s lips and my ears switch off from him. I race to Dad’s side and take the seat next to him so I can grab his hand. His eyes flicker as he tries his hardest to focus on me. At least that pained look is gone now, the medication must be working well. I’m glad, he needs that relief.
“Dad, are you okay?” I gush quietly to him. “What’s going on? What can I do?”
“L…Lo,” he practically whispers back, using the nickname that only he has for me. I wouldn’t like it from anyone else. “Sorry I got sick again.”
“Oh, Dad, don’t ever say that.” Tears fill my eyes. “This isn’t exactly your fault, is it? You can’t help it. I’m just glad that we got you some help in time.”
“At the hospital?” It breaks my heart that he doesn’t even seem to know where he is. “Yes, it’s very white. This must be the hospital.”
“Yeah, we’re at the hospital. I’ll go and get a nurse for you in a moment.”
“Is that not a nurse?” He peers over my shoulder and it takes me a couple of moments to realize who he’s looking at. Brandon’s standing right behind me looking awkward.
“Oh no, that’s not a nurse. That’s Brandon, he’s my… friend.” I cringe guiltily as I lie. He isn’t just my friend, but I can’t call him anything else either. “He’s helping me.”
Dad tries to sit up but the pain is too much for him to do so. Sensing this, Brandon moves closer so my dad can see him. “Hi, I hope that you feel… okay.” It’s so obvious that Brandon doesn’t know what to say, but the fact that he’s still here and he hasn’t run for the hills says a whole lot about him. “Sorry, I know that you probably don’t want me here, so if you want me to go, I can do so now…”
“Are you the reason?” Dad asks cryptically. When Brandon doesn’t answer, he senses that he needs to continue. “The reason that my Lo has been much happier recently?” My eyes widen in shock. I thought I was so discrete with my feelings. “Oh, I know that she’s tried to hide it from me but I can tell that she’s going through some big changes. I thought love because of the way she now bounces as she walks, and now I can see I was right.”
Me and Brandon share a panicked look. The L word is something we definitely shouldn’t say aloud but that isn’t something that we can say to my dad right now while he’s sick.
“Oh well, he’s my friend, we’ve been hanging out,” I stammer as a blush fills my cheeks. “It’s nothing to worry about, or nothing to get excited about. It is what it is.”
Urgh, there it is again, those words. They sum up more than I ever thought possible. Now I can see why Brandon likes them so much.
“Hmm, I see,” Dad replies, sounding a bit bemused. “Well, I think something different. I think there’s something much more between you, but what do I know? I’m just a sick old man lying in a bed because my body keeps failing me.”
I don’t know how to answer that question, it sends me into a spiral of panic. I can’t look at Brandon anymore for fear of what he’s thinking about my dad and his heavy words. Words that definitely shouldn’t have been spoken aloud, not when things are so confusing between me and him.
“Shall I go and get a nurse?” Brandon asks rapidly. “See what’s going on here?”
I nod rapidly and watch as he leaves in a hurry. Seeing him go makes me feel oddly vulnerable as I wait for the onslaught of questions that’s undoutably about to come from my dad. It takes me a few moments to even turn my neck back to face him because I’m in such a state of panic. And as I finally do I wish I hadn’t.
“He is more important to me than you’re letting on,” Dad says with the shake of his head. “I don’t know why you feel like you had to keep him a secret…”
“Because he’s going,” I jump in quickly before he gets carried away. “This is only a short term thing. We both know what it is. As soon as his project is finished he’ll be back in the city and it’ll all be over.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” he replies in a matter of fact tone. “The long distance thing didn’t stop your mother and I in the beginning.”
“What?” I lean in, this isn’t a story that I’ve ever heard before. “You and Mom did the long distance thing?”
“We did.” He smiles to himself. “I actually met her when she came here on vacation. She was only here for ten days so it was a short term thing. But the amount of time we spent together was enough for me to know. I just knew that it was love.”
“How did it work?” I don’t know if I’m asking just to know or for myself as well, but I can’t resist. I need some answers. “When she went back home?”
“We wrote letters, we visited one another, we did all that we could to make it work. It’s just one of those things that if you’re both determined enough, you can make it happen, you know?”
I don’t know what to say. In all honesty this has left me speechless. It’s opened my eyes to the way that things can work if both parties want it to. I don’t know if that applies to me and Brandon, it hasn’t been long enough
for me to be able to tell.
Then again Mom and Dad only needed ten days, so maybe I just need to pull my finger out and acknowledge how I feel. I know it, I just need to accept it.
Chapter 12 – Brandon
“And he’s out now, is he?” I say smilingly into the phone, cradling it close to my ear as I walk through the building site. “That’s good. All settled in back home?”
“Just about.” I can already hear how weary she sounds in her voice. “I’ve just got him into bed, and he’s looking much better.” She pauses thoughtfully and I give her a second to work out what she wants to say next. “Something really strange happened, as I left the hospital.” I don’t say anything even though I already know exactly what she’s talking about. “The bill for all the hospital care… it was already paid. Paid in full.”
I bite down on my bottom lip as I try to decide how I want to play this. I don’t really want to tell her that it was me but I don’t want to lie to her either. I choose to play it off as best as I can. “Well, that’s good isn’t it? Means you don’t have anything else to worry about… oh, hold on I have to go. Hank is trying to catch my attention, I think he needs my help with something. I better go but I’ll see you later on okay? Bye!”
Guilt crushes me as I hang up and I’m also acutely aware that it won’t be the end of it, but at the same time I don’t want to try and work out how to deal with this now.
“All okay, boss?” Hank asks me with a knowing wink. “Trouble in paradise?”
“No, no, it’s all good.” I give him the brightest smile I can manage. “How’s it going?”
I glance around looking at everything he’s achieved. The guys have done a wonderful job here, they’ve brought the plans to life without much instruction from me. I’m going to recommend that my father use Hank and his guys on all future projects. They’re awesome. Okay, so maybe it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the town, I will admit that, but it looks good.
“Actually, Hank, I might have a side project for you and a couple of the guys, once we’re done here. If that’s okay with you? I’ll pay you well, of course.”
“Oh right, sure.” He looks a bit surprised. “What is it?”
I think of Lola and how happy she’ll be if I manage to pull this off. “There’s an abandoned lake around here, sort of over there.” As I aimlessly point, Hank’s face brightens in recognition. Of course he knows it, he’s obviously lived here long enough. “Well I want it renovated, if that’s okay with you?”
“Oh right.” He looks a bit confused for a moment but that soon passes. “Does this maybe have anything to do with your girl?”
“It does,” I admit. “I’ll give you all the details when I’ve worked it out.” My cell phone blasts out, grabbing my attention once more. I smile, assuming that it must be Lola again. I like it when it seems like she just can’t get enough of me. “Hold on, I better get this.”
As I move away from Hank and I stare at the screen of my phone, I realize that it isn’t Lola after all. It’s my dad which instantly has my heart leaping up into my throat. He hasn’t rung me once with good news since I’ve been here, it’s always been criticism and questions that are damn near impossible to answer. It sucks, and it makes me think about what Lola said to me when we first met. When she asked me if this is what I want to be doing with my life. It isn’t, I know that, but I don’t know what I want to do instead.
I suck in a couple of deep breaths, then hit the answer button. “Hello?”
“Brandon,” his tone is sharp, he doesn’t sound happy. “Give me an update.”
I squeeze my fists together, trying to keep some of my temper inside. I’m a freaking adult, I’m his son, and I’m high up in the company. Why does he have to talk to me like a child? It really winds me up.
“It’s going well. We’re ahead of schedule. I can email you some pictures if you like?”
“Hank has already done that, I want to know from your point of view. We are over the budget, aren’t we?”
Oh God, I almost forgot that part. “Yes, but there are reasons for that…”
“That’s what I want to know. That’s why I’m calling you.”
I let my eyes slide closed and I suck in a couple of deep breaths. “That might be something I should email you,” I say through gritted teeth as I try to keep my cool. “I don’t think I can go through it all on the phone with you now.”
Dad sighs loudly and angrily. “Fine, but I expect it this afternoon okay? And I need you to be more involved in the future. If investors want to know the numbers and what’s going on with everything you have to have all the information. If you don’t, you seem weak, you appear poor and unreliable. How do you think I’ve got so far in life?”
I don’t say anything to that, I just wait for his rant to come to an end. There’s nothing I can say that won’t make it worse. I’ve learnt this over time. I just grip my thigh hard so I have some physical pain to focus on rather than the emotional agony my father always gives me. Well anger and hate really, but it’s so damn negative.
“I get by because I always know everything, and if you want to be as successful as me, then you need to as well. I only tell you this because we care.”
“Right. Sure. I’ll get on that.” Urgh he’s winding me up. “I have to go now, bye.”
Once I hang up the phone I huff and shake my head. I wanted to go to the lake with Hank, I wanted to decide what I want to be doing, but instead I’m going to be pointlessly working out numbers for something that’s already been done. This feels like utter bullshit to me.
“You okay, boss?” Hank asks me.
“I need Archie,” I tell him grimly. “I need to set out a report for my dad.”
“Oh the boring paper work bit.” He rolls his eyes in an understanding way. “Let’s get this done.”
***
I collapse onto the grubby, uncomfortable bed in the motel room face down as a weariness overcomes me. I haven’t been staying here much, thankfully because I’ve had Lola to keep me company. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to last as long as I have done if I’d been forced to stay here. But now, instead of going to see her, I’m here.
What is going on with me? I think as I twist around in my bed to stare up at the slightly cracked ceiling. Why do I feel so churned up?
I know really. Speaking to dad always reminds me about what life’s going to be like when I return to the city. It makes me really understand that I need to keep my distance with Lola. I keep knowing that, but acting upon it is something else. Even now I know that it would be much better if I just kept away, but the tug in my chest is all too real. I’m torn.
I don’t move while I debate this inside my mind. Probably because I think if I don’t move then I will be able to keep away, but of course I can’t avoid the real world forever.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Oh God,” I murmur while turning over onto my left side. “What am I going to do?”
I decide to just tell her that I can’t hang out tonight. Maybe one night of distance will be the start towards our slow separation. The building work is getting ever closer to ending, it really won’t be as long as I’d like it to be in this town, so this will be good.
God when I first arrived here I didn’t think I’d see the day where I didn’t want to leave.
Just be strong, I tell myself. Just be strong and give an excuse.
“Hey, Lola,” I say warmly. “How are you? I’ve had a terrible day…”
“Oh well that’s why I’ve cooked you something.” I slide my eyes closed as I realize just how challenging this will be. “I thought you sounded a bit stressed earlier.”
“Oh that’s so kind of you, I am just a bit…” I don’t get my words out because she continues to talk over me as if she can’t sense my inner turmoil at all.
“I’m sorry, I know a big part of it must be my fault. It can’t be easy for you to look after me, see to my dad, and work your ass off as well.
I just want to do something nice for you. To say thanks.”
How can I resist that? I know I can’t. Not without seeming like a real asshole. “Okay, sure. I’ll just get ready and I’ll be there.”
I push my weary body off the bed and I loosen my tie. I have gotten very used to spending time with Lola in a much more casual outfit than I’d usually wear. Everything with her is more comfortable and relaxed. It’s like a completely different life style that I didn’t even know I craved.
But of course I can’t crave it because it’ll never be mine. Yes, it might be a nice idea to think of doing something else with my life, it might be a good fantasy to consider taking control of my life and moving it into a new direction, but I can’t realistically. My dad has been good to me, even if he’s hard. He’s given me my position and opened up doors for me. He’s given me all the money I could want in life. I need him. Plus, without Mom all we have is each other, I can’t be a douche bag and let him down. I can’t leave him too. He might not say it a lot, and he doesn’t really act that way, but I do think he needs me.
As I throw a tee shirt over my head and I pull on a pair of jeans, I glance at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognise the person looking back at me, but I might as well not get used to it. This version of me won’t be around for much longer.
Just as I’m about to grab my car keys, my cell phone bleeps with an email coming through. I click onto it to see that it’s from my father.