by Mia Ford
I’m stunned. I can’t believe that. I thought Mom and Dad had the perfect marriage. I suppose they did, but they just had some road bumps to get them there. I haven’t dated anyone else in between the times that I’ve spent with Brandon, but I don’t know about him. If I fall into the trap of believing what that guy in the drug store said then he’s been with lots of different skanks.
“Wow, Dad that’s… I didn’t know.”
“Look, we both made mistakes. That’s why I’m telling you that you shouldn’t turn your back on Brandon just because he made one mistake. You know that I’m here to protect you, you know that I don’t want you to get hurt and I’m telling you that I don’t think he’ll do it again.”
“How do you know?” I ask him breathlessly. “Seriously?”
“I know because I can see it in his eyes.” My dad’s tone is so matter of fact that it takes me back a bit. “I can tell.” He leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. “I just want you to be happy, that’s all. Now.” He takes his hands from mine and pats them on his legs. “I’m going to bed so you can enjoy your night out. Have fun.” He winks at me. “And I’ll see you at some point tomorrow.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I gush. “Dad, what are you saying?”
“I’m just saying if you stay out all night long drinking, partying, and having fun, then I don’t mind. I will be absolutely fine and I’ll just see you tomorrow.”
I roll my eyes and smirk at him. There’s no way I won’t be back here tonight. No matter what happens, I’ll be back at this motel. This is only dinner and drinks. Nothing to worry about at all. Even if I feel like I might want to go that far, I won’t…
No, stop it! For the past year I haven’t been the dreamer that I once was. I don’t sit around and day dream about being famous and I certainly don’t fantasize about men anymore, but now with Brandon here I can feel my mind wandering. The only problem is my imagination tends to get the better of me and it makes me do crazy things. I really don’t want to do anything crazy, I don’t want to regret him again.
“Right, come on, let’s get you into bed and then I can finish doing my hair and make up.”
I grab hold of Dad and I take him towards the bed like it’s second nature to me. I’ve spent so long doing this that it’s just a part of me now. Getting his body to work in certain ways is just ingrained within me.
Once he’s in and tucked under the sheets, I lean down to give him a kiss on the head. “Thank you for all your advice, Dad, but I’m going to be honest I don’t know if this is going to work out like you think it is.” I need him to be prepared, just in case. He might have this idea of a nice guy in his mind, but I’m still reserving judgement.
“I know,” he agrees. “I just want you to give it a try. I just want you to see. And just so you know, this isn’t because I know he’s paid for the treatment.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know he knew that. I can’t deny it if he knows. Brandon might even have told him, even though he told me to keep it secret. “Right, well…”
“I worked it out, Lola. Come on.” Dad laughs at me. “I’m just saying this has nothing to do with that, just go out there and have fun. You deserve it.”
I nod and breathe deeply, feeling even more terrified than before. This is so damn scary, I feel like it’s a night totally loaded with meaning and pressure. I wonder if Brandon is feeling it too. I wonder if he’s sat at his house wondering where this night will lead.
I grab my make up bag and start brushing it onto my cheeks, trying to make myself look more beautiful than I have done in a very long time. This reminds me of last year when I used to play about being the cowgirl for Brandon. But this time I’m not playing a game, I’m just being me. A slightly prettier version of me. I lighten my already pale features, and I highlight my blue eyes, then I start on my hair. I grab all my equipment, planning to do something to style my hair but in the end I simply run a brush through it and I leave it hanging loose.
Right. I nod at myself in the mirror. Panic coils like an ice cold snake through my system. Just get through tonight. Just… have fun. It’ll be fine.
I don’t know if I will be, but I have to give myself some sort of pep talk or I’ll never get myself out the door. I’ll never go to see Brandon and find out what it could be between us. Much as I’m not sure if it’s a good idea or not, I don’t want to never know. I need closure one way or another. I can’t keep wondering either way.
“Right, Dad. I’m off…” I spin around, ready to say goodbye, but he’s already asleep. I watch him for a moment, unsure whether or not I’m going to be grateful to him once all of this is over. I suppose either way I’m going to get an answer, and that’s what I need. “Okay. Bye.”
As I walk out the door, my heart hammers in my rib cage. He’s supposed to be meeting me outside in about five minutes but I need a moment alone just to calm myself down. I never really had a date with Brandon as such, we just sort of fell together in a really natural way. The chemistry pulled us in, it connected us, it clamped us together and wouldn’t let us go. Now, things can’t be so natural, we have all this history holding us back. If we’re going to do this, if we’re really going to go in, then it needs to be with our eyes wide open.
I bounce up and down on my feet and I swing my arms idly by my side. I want that carefree side to me back, I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my life.
Come on, Lola. You can do this.
I hear a car in the distance which only heightens all of the terrifying emotions. My eyes scan everywhere and soon I see a black, flash looking vehicle pulling up. It looks silly outside this dirty motel, it really doesn’t fit in, which means it has to be him. I suppose it reminds me of us in a way, he’s much too flash and over the top for me, I’m just a simple country girl, but somehow we made it work once. Maybe we could do so again.
The car pulls to a halt in front of me and I curl my fingers around the hem of my dress as I wait for him to get out. My palms feel sweaty, my heart hammers violently, I feel shaky all over. This is too mush. The door open much too slowly and a leg comes out. One that’s wearing expensive looking trousers. I already know that in my cheap, high street dress that I won’t fit in with him, but I don’t think I mind. I certainly don’t feel self conscious.
Then the rest of him comes out the car and my heart leaps up into my throat. He’s devastatingly handsome, the best looking man that I’ve ever seen in my life, and I really do think that my dad might be right. It does seem that he wants to make things up to me. There’s such a love shining in his eyes that it’s almost irresistible.
“You look nice,” he says as he gets closer to me. “Beautiful actually.” He leans down and kisses me on the cheek which sends butterflies flapping everywhere inside me. “Are you ready to go?”
No, it’s too much, make an excuse, don’t do it! My brain is frantic, almost out of control. It’s screaming at me so loudly that I almost can’t ignore it. I could make an excuse, I could use my father as a way out of this… but is that what I want? Do I want to ignore the churning in my stomach, the warmth in my chest, the feelings that I haven’t ever had before?
“Erm, yes,” I reply, following my heart instead of my head with a desperate hope that it’s the right thing to do. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 24 – Brandon
I can’t stop looking at Lola out the corner of my eye as we whizz along the road towards the restaurant where I’ve managed to get us a last minute booking for tonight. Actually, it isn’t the sort of flashy place I would normally take a date, but that’s because I’m not trying to impress Lola with my money. The sort of girls I take to dinner at stunning, expensive places are the ones I need to impress a bit before I get into bed with them. I want to sleep with them, but that’s it. I am never interested in them the way I am in Lola.
No, tonight I have gone for a nice Italian place with little booths where we can have a private, intimate meal together, just me and her. I’m trying not to have any
expectations for tonight, but I do think that it’ll be when we find out either way what’s going to happen between us. I really want things to go a certain way, but I don’t want to pressure Lola.
“So, how’s your dad?” I ask her smilingly. “Is he feeling better?”
“He’s in bed now. Getting some sleep. He’ll be fine until morning.”
I don’t know what she means by that, but it gets me excited. Is she trying to tell me that she’ll be free all night long? Does that mean there’s a possibility of anything happening between us? I haven’t been with anyone for a year because I haven’t wanted to, but now that intense spark is back inside of me and I know that only Lola can quell it.
“Oh well that’s good news,” I rasp back, hardly able to keep my emotions inside. “So you can have fun for as long as you want.”
Lola nods but doesn’t say anything else. She keeps her gaze firmly fixed out the window as we continue moving. I desperately want to ask her what’s going on through that mind of hers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t think that’s appropriate.
“Right,” I say as we pull the car up to a halt right outside the restaurant where I have a table booked. “We’re here now. Are you… are you okay to go in?”
She turns in the chair to face me before we make our move. “Brandon?” she asks quietly. “Can I just ask you something before we go in?”
My heart leaps. I don’t know how to feel about that. What if she asks something that blows all of this apart before we even start our night out? “Erm, yeah sure.”
“What is this?” She cocks her head to one side and examines me closely. “Tonight, I mean? Are we just hanging out as friends or is this a date? I know that might be a bit heavy since it was a night that was thrown upon us by my dad, but the anticipation is killing me. I don’t think I can be myself if I don’t know.”
I purse my lips thoughtfully. I need to answer this delicately so I don’t freak her out at all. “I’ll be honest with you, I would like it to be a date. I would like to think that there’s still a connection between us that can turn into something real and new, but I know that I did you wrong. I can give you all the excuses in the world, but I still treated you badly, so if you want nothing more than to be friends, I understand that.” It breaks my heart to say it, but I’d rather have her in my life in some way rather than not at all. “It’s entirely up to you.”
She nods slowly as she processes this. “Okay,” she drawls. “I see. I think…” She sucks in a deep breath of shaky air. “I think I would like to give us a chance. I think I would like this to be a date. I think we should see… where this might go.”
Yes! I almost pump my fist in the air with excitement. Thank God!
“Okay.” The smile on my face is so bright and genuine I think my face might crack. “Well let’s get outside then, shall we?”
I hop out the car and move over to her side to open the door for her. I want to be the perfect gentleman tonight, even more so now that I know there’s a chance. I don’t deserve it, but I’m getting one anyway. I must have done something right!
“Thank you.” Lola slides her hand into mine. “Let’s go inside. This place looks nice. Is this where you bring all your dates?”
“You have the wrong impression of me,” I tell her seriously. “Maybe in the past I dated around, but not anymore. Not for the last year.” I see her eyes go dewy eyed with emotion. I’m glad I’ve been given the chance to let her know that much. “But even before, I never brought anyone here. Only friends. This is the place for me and you.”
“I like that,” she replies warmly. “Let’s go in.”
The well dressed waiter takes us over to a table in the corner where we can have the most private conversation in the world. The booth seats around us are high, so it feels a bit like we’re the only people alive. As we take our seats and we look at one another over the romantic, flickering candle light, my heart leaps up into my chest.
I could love this woman, I think seriously to myself. I might actually love her already.
I haven’t ever been in love before so I don’t know how it’s supposed to feel, but I’m sure this dizzying excitement where it feels a bit like the foundation has been pulled out from beneath me, is a part of it. I’m falling deeper and deeper into this abyss but I like it. I love the sensation that I’m falling because it’s with her. With Lola clinging to me, it’s good.
“So what’s good here?” Lola asks as she pulls the menu open. “I presume that you’ve been here enough times to have something to recommend to me.”
“The calzones are amazing. I think you’ll like them.”
“Ooh, calzones, very posh,” she teases back. “No wonder you didn’t like eating out before. My town doesn’t exactly have a variety of food choices.”
“It does now,” I shoot back rapidly. “That’s a part of my development plan. Haven’t you been to see it?”
“No,” she replies softly, reminding me what a stupid question it is. “I haven’t been since you left.” Of course she hasn’t. If it was the other way around, I would be the same. “But I’ve heard great things.”
I need to pull this back, I need Lola to remember the good things rather than the crap. “I didn’t mind not eating out anyway. I loved hanging out in your tiny cottage and one of us cooking with whatever we could get from the store. That was so much fun.”
Lola laughs and tosses her head back. “Yeah, I’m sure. Just wonderful. I bet about three of my houses could fit in your living room.”
I nod, agreeing with her because I know she’s right. “We can go and have a look after this if you want? It feels weird that I’ve spent so much time with you at your home and you haven’t seen the inside of mine at all.” It reminds me that while she shared something intense, it wasn’t fully real. If things ever did happen again I would want it to be very real. I would want to be fully immersed in one another’s lives, I want it to be everything. Even my father will meet Lola, if she lets us be again. “Would you like that?”
“I think I would. Just to see it,” she answers. But a redness tinges her cheeks. I get the impression that she might be thinking dirty thoughts… which is fun, but I don’t want just that. “I’d like to get to know a bit more about you.”
I smile at her, wanting to say so many things. There’s a lot between us that needs to be said, but I don’t know how to find the words. Instead I try to say it with my eyes instead… at least until the waiter comes along to take our order, shaking us both from our little moment.
***
“That was really nice,” Lola says happily as we leave the restaurant. Her hand is in mine and she’s swinging it casually. It’s just a small gesture but it means the world to me. It builds a connection between us that I want to last forever. “Thank you for taking me there.”
“Yeah, it’s a great place… but there’s another reason I brought you here.” I tug her along with me towards the back of the building. “There’s a little pond out here which has some Koi Carp inside. It’s lovely. Not as lovely as your lake but nice.”
The owner of the restaurant has decorated the outside area with little fairy lights that twinkle in the moon light. I’ve never really noticed it before, but it’s really romantic. I love that I can show it to Lola. I just know that she’ll like it.
“Oh yeah, this is awesome,” Lola gushes as her eyes drink it all in. “Really nice.”
I move behind her and wrap my arms around her, just like I did once upon a time a year ago. I nestle my face into her hair and inhale her scent. Her smell hasn’t changed at all, it brings back all the old sensations that she used to make me feel, and it’s a safe emotion. With Lola I feel secure, I feel whole, I feel complete. This is what I want every day. I would like this to be my life forever more. Me and Lola against the world.
“I’m so glad you’re here with me,” I whisper to her. “It’s awesome.”
She turns on her heels and wraps her arms around my neck, bringing everything up t
o a brand new level. As she rises to her tiptoes I suck in an expectant breath of air, but she doesn’t kiss me. Instead she brushes her nose gently against mine and she stares up loving into my eyes. The fact that she’s willing to be so open with her heart after I stomped on her before is wonderful, it makes me see just how incredible she is. She really is everything that I could want and more. So much more.
Yep, I think smilingly to myself. I definitely love her. No doubt about it.
I can’t hold back any longer, so I dip my head down and I close the gap between our lips. I kiss her softly and gently, relishing all the amazing sensations that flood through my body, but Lola grabs me tightly and deepens the kiss, allowing all of her passion to flow through her lips. Fireworks explode inside of me, a deep desire runs free, I wrap my arms around her waist and squeeze until she molds into my body.
Oh God, this feels so good. This is what I want. This is what I need.
I know now with utter certainty that if I get another proper chance with Lola I won’t screw it up. I knew that anyway, but now I really know it.
“Do you want to come back to mine?” I murmur against her lips. “See my house?”
My heart thunders as I wait for an answer, I don’t know what I’ll do if she says no. I really hope I don’t have to find out. I bite the inside of my cheek to try and keep a stream of please from running free. I need to play it cool.