by Mia Ford
But today, I can’t seem to get myself into the work mode, or into the idea of going out and having a good time actually, despite the fact that I’ve just… sorted myself out, I’m hard again.
“Fucking hell, Pru,” I mutter angrily to myself as I step out of the shower. That didn’t work so there’s no point in remaining. “What the hell are you doing to me?”
I’ve never been like this before, I feel like there’s a beast of passion inside of me that won’t be tamed however much I need it to be. I need something else to sate this madness, and I don’t think having some more me, myself, and my time will cut it.
I grab my cell phone, already hating myself for what I’m about to do, but knowing that if I don’t I’ll end up pacing up and down like a crazy person with insomnia. I don’t think I can go through another night of barely any sleep, and I also don’t know if I can succumb to more dreams like I experienced before either. I can’t keep thinking of Pru like that, it’s sending me deeper and deeper into madness. I need someone else to take my mind off her and I don’t have time to find a stranger.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
I press the cell phone up to my ear and bite down on my bottom lip while I wait. Roxy lives three floors down and we occasionally call one another for a hook up. I don’t like to do so because she lives so close to me, I know it might get awkward, and I’m also afraid of too much sex leading to her wanting a relationship, but right now I don’t have much of a choice. Plus, I did hear a rumor that she might be moving home soon anyway, so that will solve everything.
“Hey there, Logan,” Roxy purrs as she answers. “I haven’t heard from you in a while.”
“You up?” I ask in a teasing tone, trying to mask my neediness. “You fancy a night cap?”
“Oh, you know me. I’m always up for a drink. Be right there.”
I grin with relief once I hang the phone up, glad that she’s being so compliant. I don’t bother to get dressed because I’ll be naked again in a moment, so I wander into the kitchen with the towel wrapped around my waist to pour Roxy a drink. Luckily, she drinks the same brand of whiskey as me when she’s here which keeps things very simple. I enjoy how easy she makes hooking up, if only it wasn’t so risky. This is something we could do all the time otherwise.
The erection underneath the towel might be for a different girl completely, but since she’ll never get to experience it, I can have some fun with someone else. If I simply focus on Roxy and her overt sexiness, then it’ll be easy to forget about Pru for the night, I’m sure of it.
Knock, knock.
“Oh, thank God,” I mutter as Roxy alerts me to her arrival. “Come in.”
I hear the clip clop of high heels which make their way through my apartment to join me in the kitchen. Once there, Roxy grabs her tumbler of drink from me and she knocks it back in one.
“I’m moving next week you know,” she tells me while slinging off her top. “So, this might well be our last hurrah unless we bump into one another in a bar somewhere.” She slides down her trousers with a cheeky smile. “Which is highly unlikely because we don’t ever drink in the same places, so I suppose we better make this a good one, shouldn’t we? This might very well be it.”
She grabs me and kisses me hard, trying to guide me towards the living room but that isn’t what I want today. I know what my heart desires and while it might be wrong, I also know that I need it.
“No, on the table,” I grunt to Roxy. “Sit up on the dining room table.”
Roxy’s body is a very different shape to Pru’s and she also has a different shade of blonde hair, but this is the closest thing I’ll get to making my shower fantasy come true. It’s wild and crazy, but I’m sure people think of all sorts of stuff and people while screwing. I can’t be the first, or the worst.
“Oh sure.” Roxy peels off her panties, slides off her bra and perches on the edge so I can access her easily. Her glistening slit is luring me in, begging me to live out my day dream inside of her. “Like this? Is this how you want me?” Then she slides off and bends over the table. “Or this?”
Oh fuck. “The second one,” I murmur while grabbing onto a condom that I keep in the drawer. “That’s much fucking better.” I don’t tell her why, but it’s better because I can easily imagine her as someone else this way. I can drive myself into her from behind, pretending that it’s Pru.
Not that Pru would ever behave this way I’m sure, she’s much too sweet and innocent.
I rest the flat palm of my hand on Roxy’s back while I drive into her. I bang her hard against the table, causing all sorts of excitable groans to fly out of her mouth. Once I’ve settled into a comfortable rhythm I reach around the front of her and I flick my finger over her clit, so Roxy can enjoy this as much as I am. She feels good around me, this is fine…
If I’m totally honest with myself, I don’t think this is as good as I thought it would be. I assumed that I’d forget and it would all be lots of fun, but if anything, having sex with Roxy is leaving me cold and a bit hollow. It’s enjoyable as the sex goes, but picturing her as Pru just makes me sad and now I’ve made it impossible to see her as anything else.
We both cum together and I feel deflated once it’s done. This little issue of mine isn’t going to be solved as easily as simply getting it out my system. I know she’ll be gone soon, but I’m beginning to doubt that even that will be enough. I hope I don’t end up as a sad lonely man who can’t get one person out my mind. That’ll just be awful.
“Well, amazing as always,” Roxy announces proudly. “It’s a shame I’m moving but I can’t stay for you.”
I smile thinly, agreeing with her sentiment but hating the way it reminds me again that I’m completely by myself. Fucking hell, what a mess.
Chapter Eight – Prudence
This is the right thing to do, I think anxiously to myself as I pace up and down in front of Mr. Banker’s door at five to four, impatiently waiting to go inside. This is the way to make it right.
I have honestly been trying my best, genuinely trying to work things out on my own but it isn’t enough. The more I figure out my practical plan, the more I realize that I need to just get out there. I’ve set up some appointments, now I just hope that he’ll agree to my plan. I don’t know if he will, I know that I’m taking a huge risk just by asking him – especially when I think about how weird things are between us – but I have to at least try. There isn’t anyone else I can come to with this.
A creak rings out, the door swings open, and my heart stops dead. Mr. Banker gives me a look that shows he doesn’t quite know how to act around me, before he indicates for me to come inside. I wonder if he’s being weird because my dad just died or because there’s a strange atmosphere hanging in the air between us. I could get sucked in and worried about this, but I’m not going to. This is far too important for me to get blind-sided by my own doubts. This is my future.
“So, Pru,” he says quietly as he takes he seat. “How have things been going?”
“I’ve been doing my homework.” I figure that starting with a positive note is the best way to go. “I’ve been doing a lot of research online and working stuff out. Budgets, apartments, jobs, all of that stuff, like you told me to do. And you were right, I do feel a little more prepared now, but…”
Just as I’m about to launch into the speech that I’ve been practicing all morning, Mr. Banker interrupts me. “Actually, first I wanted to check in to see how you’re doing with your father. I know that must be really hard for you, and I’m sure you’re in a place where you can’t talk about it.”
I hang my head low, blinking back the tears that threaten to come. That’s always there in my mind, circling through me and reminding me that I’m lonely, but I’ve made the conscious decision not to allow it to change things. My father and his choices and actions have controlled my life since I was eight years old when my mother died. Now, I’m the one in charge and I want to focus on that.
“I’
m sad.” I half shrug and keep my eyes fixed downwards. “But I’m still going to continue on with my mission. I’m sure it’s what he would have wanted… I don’t know what else I can do.”
Mr. Banker lets out a sympathetic groan and he sighs. “Look, I know it might seem easier right now to push it to one side and forget about it while you’re about to go on this big life journey, but shoving your feelings down isn’t healthy. They’ll come back up eventually.”
I know that he’s right but still I don’t want to get into it. I came here with a mission and it’s one I need to complete. I think after all this time of being introspective has helped me to deal with things on my own. Yes, I’ve had someone to discuss things with from time to time, but most of it I’ve done alone. I’ll be fine, I know it. I nod slowly and smile the brightest one I can manage.
“Honestly, Mr. Banker, I’m okay. I know it’s weird to feel this way, but I suppose he’s been nothing more than a mythical creature somewhere off in the distance for the past five years. Yes, I feel a bit sad without him, but in a way, it’s freeing. This way, I can put my past behind me completely. A big part of me was always worried how things would be when he got out of prison anyway, and now that’s something I’ll never have to face. I won’t have to keep looking over my shoulder and wondering what it’ll be like when we meet. He’s gone, so it’s never going to happen.”
A hollow sensation fills my chest but I cough to cover it up. It’ll be fine, there’s a lot of truth to my words anyway. I won’t have to keep looking around me all the time.
“Right, yeah, okay. I suppose you’re right about that.” Mr. Banker nods. “Well, just know that I’m always going to be here for you if you want to talk. Even if you’re not here anymore. My door will always be open for you. If these feelings do resurface, just come and speak with me.”
“Thank you… that means a lot to me.” I well up again, but this time it’s because I’m so pleased to have met such an awesome person while being in here. It wouldn’t have been half as nice an experience if Mr. Banker wasn’t here. I would still be the shy girl who doesn’t even make eye contact with anyone. I suppose I have come far, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. “I will do.”
“Okay, great. So, would you rather talk about your plans you’ve been making?”
I breathe deeply, trying to regain the confidence I built up outside these office doors. “I would actually, and I think I have a plan about it. One that will help me more than the Internet.”
“Yeah?” Mr. Banker narrows his eyes at me. “Well that sounds positive. What’s that?”
“Well, as I was looking at apartments and jobs I felt a bit overwhelmed by it all, but that’s because I feel like maybe I need to see them in real life.” A cringe fills my chest, I don’t know how he’s going to react. “And I know I’m supposed to wait until after my birthday, but I really want to get out of here the moment I can – even more so now my father’s gone.” I feel a bit shit using that as an excuse, but I need to use all the tools I can at my disposal. “So, I set up some for… tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?” Mr. Banker gushes in shock. “What do you mean, tomorrow? They aren’t going to let you out on your own while you aren’t yet eighteen to do stuff like that. I know you’re keen.”
“I am keen.” Shit he isn’t getting it. I’m going to have to spell it right out. I wanted to avoid this, but it seems I can’t. “Which is why I was thinking you could maybe come with me.”
“You want me.?” He gives me an incredulous look, which isn’t what want. “On a weekend?”
Ah, maybe I didn’t think this through after all. Maybe he has weekend plans, maybe he’s going to be with his girlfriend. This might be terribly inappropriate of me. All of a sudden I feel small and childish as I feel my big plan crumble all around me. I’m just so scared of being forced to get a job while still living in the center while I figure things out. I want to be gone, I’m so done now.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I suppose I didn’t think this through. I just got so carried away.” I shake my head as embarrassment curdles in my stomach. “I’ll call the apartment viewings and job interviews now.”
“You organized all of that since Tuesday?” Mr. Banker asks me, clearly very shocked. “I have to say, Pru, that’s very impressive. Especially for someone like you. I haven’t forgotten how scared and shy you were when you first came here. This is… well, it’s a very big step.”
I nod, but since I no longer trust myself to speak I don’t say anything. What started off as a very important meeting to me has become a pit of shame. I want to get out quick before I make things worse than they already are. I can’t have any sympathy from Mr. Banker, it’ll kill me.
“You know what?” he says while tapping his finger against his chin. “I’ll come with you. It might be hard to swing with the bosses of this place, but I’m sure that if I explain the entire story of you and your past they’ll come around. The fact that you’re doing something so positive for your future will look really good. I’m sure they’ll let me go with you.”
I stare into his eyes for a few moments, trying to work out exactly what’s going behind his gaze. “I don’t want to push you,” I tell him seriously, while pursing out my lips. “I don’t want to take away your weekend. I got so carried away with my plans that I didn’t think about how it would affect you. I’m sure you have plans anyway and I don’t want to get in the way of that.”
“No, I don’t have any plans.” I don’t know if I believe him, but Mr. Banker seems willing to give up whatever he’s planning for me, which is nice. “I want to do this for you.”
My heart soars in my chest. Not only am I getting out of here, I’m spending time with Mr. Banker too… my favorite person in the world. With him, I feel like I can take on anything. I feel like I can get my home and my job, I feel like I can get sorted. I just know it.
“I really appreciate it, Mr. Banker,” I tell him with a nod. “That’s so kind of you.”
“You know, if we’re going in the city together then I think you might have to call me Logan.” The way he grins at me makes my heart race at a million miles an hour. My tummy twists and churns with butterflies flapping all over. “Maybe not even just in the city. You are an adult now after all.”
An adult… I’m an adult. I like how that feels. It gives me a strong sense of control over myself, which is something I haven’t had in a very long time. I think I’m going to love being an adult.
“Okay then, Logan.” It feels really strange to say that. “Thank you, Logan.”
He pushes out his chair to stand up so I do the same. I know it’s time for me to leave but I don’t right away. I stare at him, feeling something monumental shift between us. Now this isn’t just a day out of the center with one of the adults while I figure my life out, this is me and Logan. I’m one of the adults too which makes me feel absolutely incredible.
“Okay, so I will come and pick you up in the morning then. How does eight AM sound?”
“Absolutely perfect,” I say breathily as my emotions run away with me. “That sounds wonderful. My first appointment is at half nine so that gives us time to find out where I need to go.”
He grabs onto a piece of paper and scribbles out some words. “Here is my email address. Why don’t you send me the list tonight so I can figure out a contingency plan? Also, with an hour and a half I’m sure we can go out for breakfast first, get something to eat out of here.”
Oh God, that sounds too romantic for words. All of a sudden, the plan that I had in my mind takes on a brand-new spin and my heart hammers with excitement. Of course, I wish I didn’t feel this way because I’m going to get my heart hurt in the long run, but I can’t stop it.
It won’t be for long anyway. Soon enough, I’ll be moving on and becoming a brand-new version of me. God, I cannot wait.
Chapter Nine – Logan
With Pru sitting on the other side of the car to me, I feel very strange. When discussing this trip with the bo
sses, I managed to pass it off as a very professional journey, just to help one of the more problematic children move on with what she wants to do, but now it doesn’t feel that way at all. There’s an odd atmosphere between us that I cannot quite put my finger on.
Pru looks different, I think that’s a part of it. She has a dress on today, a simple white slip dress that hangs just above her knees. It’s a very conservative dress, just like the rest of her clothes, but out of the center she looks much more grown up in it. With her pale blonde hair hanging lose, skimming her shoulders, and a wisp of make-up covering her face, she looks good. I want to tell her as much to give her a boost but still I don’t. Still I need to be careful with my words.
“So, there’s a café not far from the first apartment you’ve got a viewing to look at, so I think we should go there for something to eat,” I tell her instead. “Does that sound good to you?”
“Sounds perfect.” She turns and gives me a wide smile. “I can’t wait for some real food.”
“Are you suggesting that the food in the center isn’t top notch?” I tease her playfully.