by Mia Ford
As I recall being the girl weeping in the corner of the room while blow after blow rained down on me. I remember feeling helpless and terrified, but also knowing that I couldn’t ever tell anyone what was happening to me. As the smacks ran over my body I was always planning how to cover them up to make sure that no one noticed. I was only concerned with protecting him, even though my father didn’t seem to have much concern with protecting me. He hurt me, the opposite.
I guess that’s something I’ll never get any answers to now. Now he’s gone I’ll never get to find out why Dad couldn’t stand me, what made him flip like he did, and whether or not he feels bad about it. I can draw some conclusions on my own, but that will never be definitive answers from his mouth. I’ll never fully get closure and while I can keep moving forwards, I’ll never be able to move on. Not totally. There will always be a part of me that’s stuck.
Now, listening to this argument getting worse and worse by the second, I can barely stand it.
I squeeze my hands over my ears, trying to block out the sound and as I do the tears begin to fall. They stream down my face, wetting my cheeks, making me feel awful. The memories of my father, the sounds all around me, the acute, horrific loneliness, it’s all too much for me…
I jump out of bed and race across the apartment until I get to the front door. There’s an intense panic in my chest now, a fear that if I don’t escape my heart might explode, killing me dead. It doesn’t matter how hard I pant I can’t get anywhere near enough air sucked back into my lungs. I’m in a real state now and there’s only one thing that I know for sure will calm me down. No longer am I worried about looking like a child, I just need help. I just need him, and the safe feeling he gives.
I saw a pay phone at the end of the street when I first moved in earlier today and I took note of it because I don’t have a cell phone, and now I’m glad. Although as I run down the road in the middle of a panic attack it feels much too far away. As soon as I have any spare money, I’m going to get my own phone. I won’t even need a good one, just one that I can make calls from to save this.
Once I’m inside the booth, I grab the change from my pocket with trembling hands. Fear has my eyes so blurry that I can barely see anything, but I just about manage to shove some coins in. As I dial, I hope I’m getting the number right because I know I’m in a mess. All I can think about is Logan and his warm face, his loving eyes, the protection that his stature gives me…
Ring, ring… Ring, ring,... Ring, ring…
I hop up and down while I wait for him to answer. I feel impatient, needy, stressed. I know that Logan gave me his number ‘for emergencies’ but I wonder if he expected me to use it. I’m sure not this soon, but what else can I do? I don’t have anyone else in the world.
“Hello?” he sounds a little gruff, maybe tired. I hope I haven’t woken him up.
“H… hi,” I stammer, a thick ball of emotion balling up in my throat making it hard to talk. I’m more worked up than ever now. “Sorry, L… Logan, it’s Pru, I… I don’t know…”
“Pru?” He sounds very confused but more alert now. I still feel really bad for waking him up but I’m just so relieved to have a friendly voice. “What’s the matter? Has something happened?”
“The couple next door, they were arguing, and I think it got violent I don’t know. Maybe I should be calling the cops not you, I don’t know I’m a mess. Then there are all the sirens and the banging. I keep thinking it might be gun shots…” I’m blabbing, but I can’t stop.
“Pru, Pru, stop,” Logan’s words are the only thing to prevent me from freaking out. “What’s going on? I can’t understand you. Is everything alright? Is it the apartment?”
“Yes.” That’s the simplest answer. “I don’t like it at all. I’m scared, Logan, please…”
He doesn’t say anything for a few moments, which leaves me drowning in self-doubt. This is the worst night of my life, but if Logan rejects me then it’ll crush me to the ground. I don’t know if that’s something that I’ll ever be able to recover from. I’ll never be able to adult again.
“Okay, Pru, just get back inside for now and lock the doors. I’ll be there very soon.”
The idea of going back into my home where I might be able to hear the couple arguing and God knows what else isn’t exactly appealing, but at the same time the knowledge that Logan is coming for me makes it all a little easier to handle. “Yeah okay, sure I’ll wait there. Thank you, Logan.”
Eventually I hang up the phone and I breathe a little easier. He’s coming, I’m no longer by myself. That makes me feel so much more relaxed. I think that was the main issue, the idea of spending all those hours completely alone. I wasn’t quite as ready for it as I thought I would be.
It’s going to be fine, I tell myself as I step rhythmically as I walk back home. It won’t take him long. Logan knows how scared I am, he’ll floor it to get here on time.
My pulse rate slows and my breaths return to a more than normal speed. I don’t get a surge of confidence or anything that I really need, but I’m not in a full state of panic anymore.
Still, I walk up the stairs slowly, not wanting to spend any time than necessary in that place. It’s lucky that all my stuff is still packed up because I won’t have to worry about sorting some clothes out. I can just grab a backpack and know that it has most of my stuff in.
I slide the key into the lock slowly and carefully, taking my time as I do. Then I push the door open and I pop my head inside. I listen intently, checking out for noise…
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A deep ringing silence that’s almost even scarier.
Okay, so it looks like the arguing has stopped, which is a good thing. I step inside with a deep breath and I circle around and around, just waiting. My heart and stomach can’t relax though, I’m still not totally convinced that the yelling is done. In my experience it never is…
What the hell is that? My ears prick up, I hear sounds at last. Is that them?
All of a sudden, I hear something from that side of the apartment. Banging and groaning. It sounds bad now, even worse than before. I race to the wall and press my ear up against it to hear deeper. This time if I hear anything that scares me I’ll race out and call the cops, no doubt about it. No one ever called the police for me, so I want to extend that courtesy for someone else.
It doesn’t get any louder, so I don’t know what to do. I need something conclusive before I can make that call. Making a call to the cops unnecessarily will only cause me drama with the neighbors that I don’t need. The last thing I need is enemies.
Bang, bang, bang!
Chapter Fifteen – Logan
It takes Pru far too long to get to the door, I start to get a little worried. I hammer on it until she swings it open with a very pale, terrified looking face. Sweat pours down her forehead, her eyes wide and shocked, she looks like she’s really been through the ringer. It worried me even more.
“Come in,” she gushes and grabs onto my arm to yank me in. “I need you to hear this.”
She races over to one of the walls and pushes her ear up against it. “This is the apartment where they were arguing before and it sounded like things might have been getting violent. Now, I don’t know what is going on in there. It sounds all weird and I’m scared. I’m frightened for her.”
I don’t know what I’ve walked into, but I walk towards the wall to listen too. After everything that Pru has been through it makes sense that any angry words would freak her out. It’s just unfortunate that she lives in this awful neighborhood where things like that are far too common.
“Oh… Pru.” I have to stifle a smile as I recognize those sounds well. Bless her, she’s utterly adorable. “I don’t think you have anything to worry about. They aren’t arguing anymore.”
“What are they doing then?” She gives me an incredulous look. “It sounds… weird.”
“They’re having sex.” It feels weird to say the ‘s’ word in front of Pru, especially when
it makes her face flame like crazy. She’s so innocent, it’s absolutely killer. “So, you don’t have to worry.”
She folds her arms across her chest as if she’s trying to hold herself together and my heart goes out to her. This new world is clearly too much for her, it’s terrifying her and I feel bad. I thought I was helping her, but clearly, I’ve pushed her into something she isn’t ready for.
I’m not comfortable with it, but I might have to suggest that she goes back into the center. I’ve just gotten my clean break from her, things are supposed to be going back to normal but Pru’s welfare is so much more important. “So what’s scaring you? Is it everything?”
“I don’t know.” She looks about ready to burst into tears. “Yeah, I suppose so, I don’t like this apartment in the night time, the city is a scary place to be all by myself.”
I bite down on my bottom lip, cursing myself before I speak. Why do I need to say this? “Do you want me to take you back to the centre? I know they still have your bed and as far as I’m aware they don’t have any plans to fill it soon. I can put in a call right now, if that’s what you want?”
“No, please don’t.” She shakes her head vehemently. “I don’t want to go back there.”
“But you don’t want to stay here either?” She shakes her head again, leaving me with very little option. “And I suppose a hotel is out the question, because you’ll still be by yourself.” I sigh, knowing that there’s really only one more choice. “Do you want to come to mine?”
Her whole face lights up, she loves the idea, but I can tell from the way that she holds herself this wasn’t her plan all along. She’s just scared, she doesn’t want to be by herself, and I suppose I can’t blame her. I didn’t like living alone at first either and I was much more savvy than Pru.
“You would do that for me?” she gushes. “Are you serious? That sounds absolutely amazing.”
“Of course, I would.” I grab my car keys out of my pocket and I wave them at her in a bit of a teasing manner, trying to keep it a bit light. “But let’s go quick because I don’t like where I’ve parked my car. It isn’t the nicest neighborhood here, is it? Do you need to pack up your stuff?”
She grabs her bag from the floor and flings it over her shoulder. “All packed. Let’s go.”
With that, we leave the, admittedly very grotty apartment, behind and we make our way down the stairs. As we go, I notice the constant blaring of the sirens and the banging. It is particularly loud here, no wonder Pru is freaked out. The center is far away from all of this, to keep it quiet for the kids who have been through a lot, so no wonder it’s hard hitting.
“We’ll take a look for a better apartment tomorrow,” I tell her as we go. “I don’t think you should come back here. I’ll ring up the realtor, kick off at her for lying and get my deposit back, then I’ll do what I can to find you a better place. Somewhere you can afford in a much nicer place.”
“Thank you, Logan, and I’m sorry I’ve been such a mess,” she replies morosely. “I really did want to be stronger. I guess I just didn’t think about the reality of it all.”
I grab onto her shoulders and spin her around to face me. “Pru, it’s honestly fine. I gave you my cell phone number for a reason. I wanted to be there whenever you need me, and that still includes night one. I know this is huge for you, so trust me when I say that it’s okay.”
She stares intently at me and nods. “Thank you, Logan. Now please, get me out of here.”
With more determination, we get down the stairs and to my car, which has thankfully remained completely untouched. I’m so glad I have a spare room now, because it means I can have Pru at mine comfortably. There won’t be any awkwardness about sleeping arrangements, it’ll just be easy. Until tomorrow when I get her a really nice home to live in. Even if I need to help her out a bit at first, anything to help Pru out… God, I would give that girl anything. Absolutely anything.
***
Pru bounds into my living room in her sweet little pajamas with a much more relaxed look on her face. With her hair scraped back and her face all washed clean, all sadness and stress has gone which makes her look beautiful and angelic all over again. I can’t help but smile at her.
“All better?” I ask happily. “Ready to actually get some sleep now? You must be shattered.”
“I am. Thank you so much. I have to say I feel a whole lot calmer here. Your apartment is lovely and the neighborhood is nice.” She glances around, drinking all of it in. “It’s a shame I can’t live in this building. That way I could always feel safe because I know you’re nearby.”
My heart skips about ten beats as I think about that idea. The thought of her coming in and out of the same building as me every single day is so wonderful. I could keep an eye on her, still keep that connection with her. I wouldn’t have to have any sort of clean break at all.
But maybe that would be a problem. Maybe if we cling to each other for support we’ll never be able to move past this. We’ll be stuck in this rut forever, getting deeper every single day.
“Yeah that would be…” I let out a mirthless chuckle. “That would be something.”
We pause and our eyes connect once more. It reminds me of all the times in the center when we had our taboo, naughty little looks that were so damn wrong it killed me. This is like that, but different too. There is no center, no people in our way, no rules that are there to shit all over us, Pru is no longer a child, she’s an adult. But still, it isn’t right. Still we cannot do this.
“So, erm, here is the spare room.” I walk towards the bedroom and open the door to her. There is the double bed that’s never been slept in. “I hope it’s okay for you…”
“Oh yeah that’s awesome.” As she races into the room, she brushes against me a little bit and it sets me alight. My whole body burst into flames and I find it extremely difficult to reel myself in. This is much too casual, much too informal, I can feel myself just about ready to explode. “I' love it, thank you so much, Logan. This is much too kind, you’ve been far too good to me.”
“No, that’s okay. This spare room is meant to be slept in. It feels good to have visitors anyway.”
“I don’t think I’m tired yet now, after all that,” she says with a giggle. “Could I have a drink?”
“You can have one that isn’t alcoholic,” I warn her. “I’m not going to let you do that…”
“I don’t want an alcoholic one you fool! I want something cool and refreshing.”
I take her into the kitchen and pour us both some orange juice. Pru sits on one of the bar stools and smiles at me over her glass. Even though this is incredibly weird, but at the same time it feels really natural to have her here. She lights up the place and looks like she belongs. The fact that she looks so good here allows my mind to concoct the most wonderful fantasy where she stays here all the time, where she lives here and she is with me. We’re together as a couple.
Stop it you fool, I warn myself. What the hell are you playing at?
“So, erm, when do you start working? I never thought to ask you that?”
“Day after tomorrow,” she sighs audibly. “I hope it goes better than moving into my apartment did. I’m so sorry about that, by the way. I still feel really awful about it. I can’t believe…”
“Pru.” I reach across and touch her hand, trying to ignore the sparks of excitement that she has bolting thought me. “Please stop apologizing. I honestly don’t mind. I don’t want you to feel guilty anymore. I’m happy to help you. I want to be here for you. It’s my…” I almost finish that sentence with the word job but I stop myself at the last moment. I don’t need that reminder.
“I suppose I better get to bed now,” Pru announces while hopping down. “I might not be tired but I don’t want to lie in all day tomorrow. I have a lot that I want to do.”
She pauses in front of me and gazes up at me through her eyelashes looking so pretty it hurts. I freeze, unable to do anything other than look at her. Even as she
rests her hands on my chest and she pushes herself up onto her tiptoes, I do nothing.
Her mouth edges closer to mine, allowing her breath to tickle my lips. I know this is my time to pause, to push her away from me and to keep the boundaries very clear, but I don’t. My brain is screaming at me to do so, but I simply cannot do it. I feel messy, muddy, raw and not necessarily in a bad way. I tilt my head downwards and I give myself over to her in a way that I probably shouldn’t.
Then, our lips connect for just a brief, glorious second. It’s barely anything, just a little brush, but my God it makes me feel alive. I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. I don’t usually do much kissing anyway, I just get right to it, but even if I do it’s never sweet and tender like this. It’s passionate, frantic, rapid. This is insanely wonderful, I’m loving every single second of it.
It proves to me that I am in too deep, I’m in so much trouble.
“Goodnight,” she whispers. “See you in the morning.”