by Mia Ford
‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru,’ I type out, needing some communication with him wherever I can get it. ‘Thank you so much for all the lovely things that you’ve done for me today. I appreciate it. X’
I pause for a few moments, half expecting a reply but I don’t get one. I suppose that makes sense since he’s working. It’ll be hard for him to message me completely undetected. So instead I gather up the drinks and I head back to the only place that I want to be today, and that’s in bed. I definitely need to sleep this off. There’s no way I can feel better until I get some more rest.
I stagger over to the bed and collapse into it with my eyes closed once more. I shouldn’t be tired again, I’ve had a damn good night of sleep, but I am. Maybe it wasn’t a proper sleep, maybe I pretty much just passed out, I’m not too sure, but weariness is overcoming me again.
At least I have pleasant dreams of Logan to get me through the day. I always have them, and now I have some real life fact to base the fantasies on as well. When I first started dreaming about him, it was childish lust, an obsession, but now it’s definitely real adult love. I adore having that delicious sensation in my heart, and I cannot wait to share it with him.
***
Hours pass, I don’t know how many. Mostly I sleep, but sometimes I get up for something to eat or to have a little walk around. The time does help to heal me, but I still feel like crap for most of the day, even when I step into the shower. I do know that drinking is something that I never want to do again. It might be fun at the time, but this is not worth it. I can have a good time without it.
Eventually, I move myself over to the couch and I flick the TV on to watch some mindless movie. There’s a detective drama on, but one that doesn’t take too much imagination to work out who committed the crime, so it’s perfect for me to just lose myself in for a while.
As I half watch the show, I keep checking my cell phone, expecting some communication from either Alice or Logan, but I get nothing. The fact that Logan hasn’t even snuck off for a second to reply worries me actually, it makes me wonder what on Earth is going on with him today. In the letter that he left me he said something about needing to sort some stuff out today at work, and I can’t help wondering what. I just have this weird sensation that it’s something to do with last night and that I’m to blame. I have guilt for something that’s really nothing more than a black hole in my mind, one that I can’t recover no matter how hard I try. I’ll feel better when he’s here and I can just know that all is okay. With that safe feeling that Logan always gives me, I know I will only feel good with him here. It always does.
He’ll be here soon, I tell myself with determination. Here to make it all better. I just need to make it until he arrives, that’s all. I can do that.
I can do that…
Chapter Twenty Five – Logan
I don’t bother to wait to be called into the office, the anticipation is far too much. Whatever’s going to happen to me, I need to just know. There’s no way that I can act normally until then. I have to get it over and done with. I also want to get in there to argue my case, just in case it helps.
“Well, hello there, Mr. Banker,” my boss, Alexandra, comments coldly as she sees me. “I’m glad that you’re here. It saves me calling you in for a meeting which we need to have.” She indicates towards the chair on the other side of her desk. “Please, take a seat. We have a lot to discuss.”
Ice cold bolts of fear dart towards my stomach, freezing up my veins as they do. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so freaked out in my whole damn life, this is horrifying. My behavior, my actions, have brought me here. It’s time to face the consequence and I hate it. It scares me.
“Right, Mr. Banker, I think we both know that you have a lot of explaining to do, don’t you?”
The glare that she gives me bores right into my soul. I feel like she sees me for who I really am and she doesn’t like who I’ve become one bit. I shuffle uncomfortably on my chair, wishing I hadn’t come after all. Maybe it would have been better if I didn’t come here at all today.
“I can explain, honestly,” I insist in the strongest voice that I can manage. “Please, you have to just hear me out. I can see how this doesn’t look good, but it isn’t what you think…”
“So, you weren’t caught kissing Prudence Evans? One of the children that we had here at the center? You haven’t acted in a way that absolutely violates everything?”
Shit, fucking Hank. Why couldn’t he just talk to me about this? Probably because I ran away.
“What happened with me and Pru doesn’t violate anything, she isn’t here anymore…”
“And you think that matters?” Alexandra bangs her hands angrily against the desk. “You think it matters whether she’s here or not? She was brought here as a child, on her thirteenth birthday, after experiencing trauma at the hands of her father. You were her therapist for years… does none of this sound wrong to you? Does it seem okay that you’re kissing her days after she’s released from here?”
“Well when you say it like that, it doesn’t sound great, but nothing happened until she left…”
Alexandra sighs loudly and shakes her head. “That isn’t strictly true though, is it?”
“Nothing happened,” I insist. “Honestly, absolutely nothing happened. I wouldn’t do that…”
“When I got this troubling news, I instantly knew that I had to look much deeper into it and what I found was disturbing. Emails between the two of you, via the Internet provided here at the center.” Oh my God, I can’t believe it! I should have known this would happen. The Internet is all monitored, if not all the time it can be accessed, for the protection of the people here. “You were encouraging feelings from her the entire time. Even while she was here. Do you understand now?”
Admittedly I’m silenced by that, I don’t know what to say. She’s right, I’ve acted inappropriately the entire time. I knew that I was risking everything for Pru and I didn’t care. I guess I never thought that it would really catch up with me, but it has. All of it.
“I understand,” I reply quietly, preparing myself to reveal something that I haven’t yet full accepted myself. “I understand completely, but nothing aside from the emails happened while she was here. We were just friends, I just wanted to help her, that’s all…”
“So, you’re trying to tell me that you didn’t have any feelings at all?”
I don’t see the point in answering that, we both know the truth. “I love her,” I tell Alexandra with all the brutal honesty I can manage. “I wouldn’t have done anything if I didn’t love her. This is real, we love each other. This isn’t just something. It’s going to last. Forever.”
Alexandra looks at me and she shakes her head in dismay. “It doesn’t matter, Logan, this goes above and beyond that. You have to leave this job now. I cannot keep you here.”
“But it won’t happen again, I’m not a danger to anyone. You won’t have to worry.”
“Stop.” Alexandra holds up her hands to prevent me from speaking any more. “I can’t listen to this, Logan, I just can’t. The decision has already been made. I don’t know if there’s going to be more to this. There might even have to be legal action, if that’s what Pru wants. Don’t make this worse. Just go now in a dignified manner and make this easier on everyone.”
I give her one last lingering look before I push myself into a standing position. I suppose she’s right, this could turn into something much uglier if I let it. Much as I don’t want to I need to get out now while I still can. I need to get some space, to figure out what my next move needs to be. There has to be some way I can fight this, to make it right again. I need to get this all back somehow.
As I walk towards the exit of the building, I see Hank standing in the corner. Immediately he averts his eyes away from me. Guilt, and probably disgust too, makes it impossible for him to look at me. He could have been my friend too, he certainly wanted to be, and I fucked it up. If only I had gone out with him, then there wo
uld be a big chance that none of this would have happened.
But I suppose it would’ve come out eventually. Things like this don’t stay hidden forever. If me and Pru have to be together then it would come to this in the end. Now I just need to work out how exactly I’m going to piece all of this back together. It isn’t going to be easy, that’s for sure…
***
Hours and hours of driving haven’t helped me, not one bit. I don’t want to leave my car, not until I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but it’s getting dark now and I can’t avoid the inevitable forever. Sooner or later I’m going to have to communicate with Pru about this, and I suppose I might as well get it over and done with. Like ripping a band aid off… to reveal a large, disgusting gaping wound underneath. One that keeps spilling out blood and puss and there’s no way to stop it.
Urgh, just be a man, I warn myself as I turn the car off. Face it like I should have done before.
I walk towards my apartment slowly and purposefully, wishing idly for a natural disaster to come along to destroy the world so I don’t have to face this. But Of course nothing happens. The only world being destroyed today is my own. Figures, what else should I expect?
“Hello?” Pru calls out excitedly as soon as she hears me click the door open. “Logan, is that you? Thank goodness you’re home I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day…”
“Pru.” I stop her because I can’t stand to hear her so positive when everything is about to come crashing down around us. “Don’t… just don’t. We need to talk about things, it’s important.”
“What’s going on?” She freezes and her expression completely changes. “Are you okay?”
“I… I lost my job,” I tell her with a shrug. “They found out about us because Hank saw us together last night, kissing, and now I’m unemployed and they might even get the cops on us…”
“What?” she exclaims while jumping up. “What the hell are you talking about? How can they fire you? And what’s this about the cops? They can’t blame us for falling in love. I mean, I love you. That isn’t a crime, is it? And nothing happened while I was at the center so why does it…”
I’m aware that she just declared her love for me for the first time but I can’t focus on that part right now. Nor can I concentrate on my own feelings. I need to be smart for the first time.
“We emailed each other, which isn’t allowed, while you were still at the center, and it is still wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this, we never should have done this. It’s always been wrong.”
I tug on the ends of my hair, wishing that I’d taken even more time before I decided to face this. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I don’t even know what my plan is. I just know that something has to change and fast. I cannot carry on as I am, and nor can Pru.
“What… what are you saying?” she asks me worriedly. She pushes herself up off the couch and moves across the room. The nearer that she gets to me, the more I can feel my emotions stirring and churning. I become even more confused than before. “What are you trying to tell me, Logan?”
I stare intently at her, wanting her to just get it already. But she doesn’t. In her naïve desperation to make this work she just bites down on her bottom lip and she waits for me to make the choice.
“Pru, you have to go,” I gush out sadly. “I can’t have you here anymore, this isn’t right.”
“You’re breaking up with me?” She demands answers that I cannot give. “Is this it? Are you done with me? This can’t really… we can’t… we can still… this doesn’t have to break us up?”
“It does.” Tears stream down her cheeks and I can feel them spilling down mine too. “It does mean that. How the hell can we keep on doing this when the world doesn’t want us to?”
Pru reaches forward and she grabs my hand. Her skin touching mine brings out all the electricity, but I can’t keep caving to that right now. I need to behave like I should have done all along.
“It doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks,” she tells me sincerely. “It only matters what we think, doesn’t it? We love each other, we know that, we know what it means…”
I know that I could easily get sucked into this again if I wanted to, I could allow Pru to rail road me into doing what I want to do rather than what’s right, but there’s too much at stake now, too much to worry about. I’ve already lost my job, I don’t have a chance of getting it back with her here.
“Pru, you have settled into your new job now, I’ve helped you out as much as I can, I’ve let you stay here for as long as we agreed. It’s time for you to go home. You need to get on with your real life now and so do I. This has been a fantasy, a momentary lapse, but now it’s time to stop.”
Pru doesn’t answer me, I don’t know if she’s accepting it at all. She just looks completely bewildered by everything. I suppose that makes sense, one moment everything was great, everything was on the up, and now it’s all fallen apart.
“We knew that this day would come,” I say morosely. “We knew that this couldn’t last, didn’t we? We went into this with our eyes wide open.”
But Of course we didn’t. Neither of us were even thinking about the future, just living in the moment, enjoying how it. This is a shock to both of us, I don’t know how either of us will cope now. It’s going to be a very messy life from here on out.
Chapter Twenty Six – Prudence
This apartment doesn’t scare me anymore, it doesn’t have the same grip on my fear gland that it once did, despite the fact that it’s late at night, there are shadows dancing everywhere, and next door are yelling at one another like crazy. Over the last two and half weeks I’ve become very used to it. The noises are just noises, they aren’t coming for me or anything. I don’t like it, but I’m used to it.
No, it doesn’t scare me, but it does make me feel incredibly sad. It makes me feel lonely.
‘You coming out tonight?’ Alice texts me, just like she does most nights. She continues to reach out to me despite the fact that I hardly ever go. Maybe this should be the time where I’m out living life, recovering from my heart ache by dancing with men I haven’t met before, but I don’t want to. They love drinking and I really don’t. While I can enjoy myself without it, it always makes me feel a little bit left out. I’m on the outside, looking in, missing out just a little bit. I’m still a freak.
Alice, Becky, and the others are great, but they’re a bit too much for me. I’m too naïve for them.
‘Not tonight,’ I reply quickly. ‘Got plans with the boyfriend. Next time though!’
I never told her about things falling apart with me and Logan because I couldn’t stand to talk about it without sobbing for a while, and now I’m glad. It makes for a perfect excuse these days, the girls think I’m blowing them off for hot sex which apparently is very acceptable to do. It makes me feel better than telling them that I’m crying by myself anyway, trying to recover from a broken heart.
I wish that was the truth. I wish I could be with Logan, hugging, kissing, making love. I wish I could be in that safe place in his arms, with his warm love surrounding me, knowing that he completely belongs to me. I didn’t take that feeling for granted when I had it, but I didn’t savor it as much as I should have done because I didn’t think I’d have to let it go. I thought I would have it forever. Sometimes, I imagine that the fantasy life I share with the girls is true, and I pretend that I’m not a lonely fool who’s pushed everyone good away. It’s better than this, anyway.
Maybe I should have expected things to disintegrate in the way that they did, maybe it was wrong of me to think that we could actually be together forever, but I was… am deeply in love. I assumed that Logan was on the same page as me, but apparently, he could see the bigger picture. While I was tumbling into the abyss of emotion, he was already extracting himself, ready to move on. I don’t know how I didn’t see the signs, things felt perfect to me. Maybe him being so nice to me was all a part of his escape, and I’m so naïve that I di
dn’t know that unwritten code. Just further proof that I’m a child that tried too hard to step into adult shoes that I wasn’t ready for.
I step into the lukewarm shower that I have every day to wash the horror of working in this store every single day off of me. My first instincts, the ones that I had on my first day, were right. I might have gotten the hang of it now, but I hate it. I don’t like always feeling left behind with the girls, I hate Mr. Turner and his bullshit attitude that’s come to life more and more that time has passed, and I don’t like the way that the customers treat me. I’m in the wrong job, but I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know what else I could do, I feel very lost.
As the water runs over me, I let the tears run free. At least in here I can cry without feeling too messy and pathetic because no one can see me. I wish I could go back in time and do all of this again. Maybe if I hadn’t rung Logan on that first night, maybe if I kept away from him, then I could’ve done this right. He wouldn’t have lost his job because of me, I wouldn’t be in this mess, I would have simply gotten over my crush and life would be smooth. I would be okay.
“Damn it,” I mutter to myself while wiping the water from my face, pointlessly of course because the shower is still on, rushing over me. “Damn it, damn it, damn it.”