“What’s wrong?” Shane asked as he moved up beside her.
“Just thinking,” she mumbled in response.
“Shouldn’t you be out there celebrating?” He asked.
“I will. What about you? I saw you and Amber earlier. Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine,” Shane smiled.
“Uh, huh. It didn’t look fine to me.”
Shane looked at her and ran a hand through his hair.
“It seems Amber thought things between us were a little more serious than I thought. She started talking about plans when she moved to St. Louis in a few weeks.”
“Ahh. What did you tell her?”
“That I didn’t want a relationship right now. I don’t know what to do, Sarah. I don’t want to hurt her, but, well, I’ve kind of been seeing a girl at school and I really like her. I thought things with Amber were casual, you know? Now, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt her.”
“You can’t get in a relationship with her because you feel bad,” Sarah counseled. “And you’re young. You should be exploring your options. Just give Amber some time, she’ll be okay.”
“I hope so,” Shane replied.
“She will. I promise. She’s stronger than you think,” Sarah put on a conspiratorial smile. “So, when do I hear more about this girl at school?”
“Her name is Kristen,” Shane began and then saw Chad motioning for Sarah to join him. “But, I’ll tell you about her later. Looks like you have to go.”
Sarah rolled her eyes at Shane and, with leaden feet, she answered Chad’s call.
Michael Callaway wrapped an arm around her shoulders as she neared the group.
“How does it feel to finally be free of that place?” He asked with a laugh.
“Pretty darn good!” Sarah admitted.
“Well, Congrats!” he offered. “But, I will miss playing tennis with you guys when you move to the other side of the country. I guess considering the ass-whooping Amber and I gave you guys, you won’t miss it as much, huh?
Sarah returned his teasing tone. “You and Amber just got lucky. I demand a rematch!”
The delicate ting of silver on crystal silenced the crowd and Sarah turned to see that her father had taken his position on the mock stage, microphone in hand.
“I’d like to propose a toast,” he began. “Sarah, can you come up here, please?”
The sea of people parted to make room as if Moses himself had instructed it. For the first time this evening, she wasn’t forcing the smile that pulled up her mouth as she moved to stand beside her father.
“To my beautiful daughter, I wish you the very best. As you make your way from your childhood home and move out into the great unknown, always remember that your mother and I will never be too far away. You have accomplished much in the past eighteen years, and until you have a daughter of your own, you will not understand just how truly proud of you we are, nor will you understand how much we love you. As you go out into the world, do so remembering these three things: One, be smart. People who are frivolous and don’t consider the consequences don’t get very far in life. Two, have fun. Don’t take yourself or others too seriously or you will miss out on the simple joys. And finally, have no regrets. Even when things don’t go as planned, never regret the life you have lived. Every experience, good or bad, make us the people we are. To Sarah!”
“To Sarah!” their family and friends shouted in unison.
With tears in his eyes, he pulled her in and kissed her on the forehead. Sarah squeezed her father’s waist and the tears from her eyes at the same time.
Jim cleared his throat before bringing the microphone back to his lips.
“And now,” he stated, “someone else wanted to say a few words.” He stepped back from his mock stage as Sarah stared at her mother, waiting for her to make her way up. Cathleen quietly smiled at her, but made no effort to move. The shuffling of shoes against the concrete caused Sarah to turn around. Microphone in hand, Chad faced the crowd and then turned to look at Sarah with a soft, knowing smile.
Startled, Sarah took a step backwards. She looked out over the crowd at the sun sinking toward the horizon. It gave almost a purple tint to the atmosphere. She stared at the sky for a moment, probably to avoid Chad’s eyes. As she started to turn back to face him, she thought she caught a glimpse of Brett in the corner of her eye, but after a second look realized it was wishful thinking.
“Sarah?” Chad spoke softly. She looked up and into his eyes, certain that her fear and shock was visible to everyone gathered nearby. “Sarah, honey, I’m sorry to embarrass you in front of all of these people,” he began. He was using his recently perfected, friendliest lawyer-voice. “But I asked your father if I could say a few words tonight. I also asked him not to say anything, so I apologize that you seem to be so startled. I just wanted to surprise you.
“Anyway, I wanted to tell you and everyone else here,” there was that smile again, “that I’m very proud of you today. I’m not surprised by that, many things you do make me proud to call you my girlfriend. I can’t think of any other person that I would enjoy being with so much. I can’t think of anyone that I would want to come to Seattle with me more than you. So, your parents and I have a little surprise for you.”
When he started to reach for his pocket, Sarah’s head whipped around to her parents. She saw her parents’ faces: all smiles and filled with pride. They were definitely in on whatever he had in his pocket.
Oh, God! Please don’t be a ring! Please, no ring! Her gaze shifted back to Chad just as he retrieved a single sheet of paper from his pocket. She let out the breath she was holding.
Thank God! It’s just a prepared speech, perfectly worded, no doubt! She pulled her mouth into a smile as she looked across the crowd. Chad unfolded the sheet and held it out for her to see. Vision blurred from the nerves, she couldn’t make out any of the words.
“This, honey,” Chad continued, ‘is your acceptance letter! We’re going to Seattle!” He grabbed her up in both arms and twirled her around. Applause broke out all around her and it echoed in her ears. What could she say? Should she scream that she didn’t want to go? Her parents would be mortified. Finally, Chad quit spinning her and set her gently back on her high heeled shoes. He may have quit spinning but the world hadn’t. Sarah felt as if she might be sick. Finally, quiet murmurs came over the crowd of people and Chad continued.
“I can see you’re in shock!” He was nearly laughing. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. The rest of us had no doubt you’d be accepted.” His tone turned more serious. “That is why I have a couple of other surprises for you tonight. He reached into another pocket and pulled out a photograph. “This won’t be nearly as big of surprise as I had planned. “ He turned and faced her parents. “Last night my enthusiasm overrode my better judgment and I may have let this slip.
“Sarah,” he continued as he turned back to her, “this is a photo of the house I told you about. I know I said I’d put a deposit on it, but there’s more, Sarah. Your dad bought us the house this morning!”
She looked quickly at her father. He looked like he was about to burst with glee. The only thing she could do was play along with this charade and then talk to Chad and her parents after everyone else had gone home. Yes, after everyone leaves I’ll tell them I can’t do this!
Movement brought her eyes back to Chad. She blinked in surprise as he knelt before her, ring box in hand.
“Sarah,” all humor was gone from his expression and his words. “Sarah, I know we are young, but I see that as having our future ahead of us. I want to spend mine with you. Sarah, will you marry me?”
She felt as if the air had been sucked from her lungs. She couldn’t take a breath, yet she felt like she was suffocating. She stood frozen, staring at Chad like a train wreck. She was unable to break his gaze. He looked back at her expectantly, as if he knew what she was going to say and could wait forever. He also had a hint of a smirk, as if there wa
s something more in store for her.
Finally, she tore her eyes away from his, the feeling of suffocation beginning to overwhelm her. She wanted to gasp for air, but couldn’t make her lips part. She turned her eyes to her parents. They were staring back at her with the same look of expectation. Her mother nodded her head slightly and Sarah could almost hear her say, “Go on… say yes.”
Everyone stared in silence, waiting for her answer, and she felt the weight of their anticipation. She couldn’t marry Chad, could she? She wasn’t even in love with him. Everyone in attendance apparently thought it was a good idea. Maybe she just hadn’t thought things through.
Stop it! You don’t love him! You can’t say yes! The words echoed through her mind, but they spun around a picture of her parents’ faces clouded with embarrassment and disappointment if she told Chad “no” in front of the entire community. Chad had announced that her parents were in on this, it would be their rejection as well.
“Yes,” she forced the word from her lips in a whisper. She felt the tears drop from her lashes as she watched him put a sparkling diamond on her finger. She bit her lower lip until she tasted blood to stop herself from screaming out how wrong this all was. Chad grabbed her up into a hug as another thunderous applause echoed through her head and the spinning sensation returned. She felt the food that she had eaten rumble in her stomach, felt her mouth fill with saliva. Sarah knew she had to get out of Chad arms right now or vomit all over him.
-13-
A damp blade of grass tickled Sarah’s leg as she sat under the old sycamore tree in the backyard. Mindlessly, she pulled off the flaking bark and tore it to shreds while she watched her parents shake the hands of the departing guests. Chad stood right beside them, the golden boy about to marry their daughter. As soon as she thought the word, she thought she might be sick again, but didn’t know how she could. She had successfully emptied the contents of her stomach twenty minutes ago.
Chad had followed after her when she ran for the grass and retched over and over. He even held her hair and, in his best soothing voice, kept asking her what was wrong. He assumed it was her nerves after been surprised in front of so many people. She couldn’t stop vomiting long enough to tell him his voice was making her feel worse.
She didn’t know how to tell Chad she couldn’t marry him. He seemed genuinely happy when he proposed. Maybe he really did love her. And then there were her parents to consider. She hadn’t seen disappointment on their faces in several years, but she remembered how it made her feel. She didn’t want to face that again. But, they had always been understanding and supportive, she couldn’t believe they would want her to marry a man she didn’t love. She was barely eighteen. That left a long time to spend married to the wrong man.
She continued to rip at the bark in her hands as she watched Chad break away from the others and walk toward her. Wordlessly, he sat down on the grass beside her.
“I know I can be an ass sometimes,” he said quietly. “But I do love you, and I do think we would be great together.” Unable to respond, she simply stared at the stars and let him continue.
“We’re perfect for each other. We’ve got a great plan. I will finish law school, we move back and eventually I can go into politics. With us combined, no one can beat us.”
Always the planner she thought. She always knew what his plans were. She knew that she was just one small part of that. Well, maybe not so small. Being married to Sarah would open doors for Chad, she knew that. He knew that. She didn’t fault him for his ambitions. She just didn’t want to believe she was being used to further his agenda. Maybe all she was to Chad was a means to an end. The end being a very successful future.
“How could you do this to me?” she said, confusion turning into rage. “How could you plan my future, talk to my parents, and propose to me in front of all of those people without even discussing it with me first?”
Looking down, he replied without meeting her eyes. “I wanted to talk to you last night, but you weren’t acting like yourself. You seemed distant. I thought you were just getting cold feet about our future.” He met her eyes and said, with all the sincerity in the world, “I thought a surprise proposal would make you happy, baby.”
“It didn’t.” She took a deep breath and then forced the words from her mouth. “I can’t marry you, Chad.” She saw the fury building on his face and her bravado dropped a bit. “At least not now,” she added. “I’m eighteen years old. I just got out of high school. I don’t want to be that girl. I want to have my own life, my own career. I don’t want to play the dutiful wife and mother at age twenty.”
“Sarah, wait…”
“NO! YOU WAIT! Listen to me, Chad! I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight. We can talk about it later. I’m tired. I want to go to bed. You need to go home now.” She buried her face in her hands, trying to keep the nausea at bay. It seemed relentless.
She heard Chad’s mouth open and snap shut twice before he got up and walked away. She raised her head and looked up at the stars again, grateful for the cool breeze that brushed her hair. From a distance, she saw Chad speak to her parents, shake her father’s hand and take off toward his car. Her father turned to look at her, gave her a little wave, and then walked into the house. Once again she was grateful for Chad as he obviously told them she wanted to be alone.
Losing herself in the star-studded night, Sarah’s mind raced through time. She saw herself in a wedding gown, red roses gripped in her hands, looking into Chad’s face. He kissed her softly as a quiet round of applause filled the chapel. She pulled herself away to see Brett smiling back at her.
Another vision danced before the moon of Sarah holding two children, one on either hip, phone tucked between her cheek and shoulder as Chad told her he’d be late for dinner.
Finally, she saw herself flying through tall grass, mounted high on the back of a black stallion, pushing hair from her face to see Brett astride his own horse racing to catch her. Together, they rode into the sunset.
“Jesus Christ, Sarah” she scolded herself aloud. “Cheesy enough for you?”
She had let the fantasies play out too long while looking at the vastness of the Milky Way. The sky seemed to go on forever and the openness and the freedom reminded her of Brett. She needed to see him. She needed to get lost in his arms, feel the safety and contentment that awaited her there. She almost jogged to her room and picked up her phone.
Sarah felt her heart skip a beat, as she dialed the number and reminded herself that this was what life was about. It wasn’t just plans for the future, it was the way she felt today. The ringing sounded in her ears, and kept sounding. Brett didn’t answer. She hung up and tried again. Why wasn’t he answering? She tried a third time… nothing.
After a quick change into jeans, T-shirt and running shoes, Sarah found herself rushing through the back lawn heading for the trees. Shockingly, she made it all of the way to his house, without one thought of the animals that could be hiding in the brush. She burst from the trees in front of his small cabin.
She raced to the door and turned the knob, it was locked. She knocked several times and called his name but he never answered. She backed off the front porch and finally realized there were no lights on inside. Only the dusk to dawn spotlight over the garage lit up the space. She turned to the space where his truck should be, only to find it empty. Where is he?
Halfway back through the trees the worry overtook her. She couldn’t imagine where he could be. It had to be nearly three o’clock in the morning.
Oh my God! His Grandma! The thought hit her like a log to her chest, knocking the wind out of her. What if something happened? What if he’s at the hospital right now, wishing you were there? She sprinted all the way back to her house. Ignoring the cramp in her side, she grabbed the phone book before she raced back up to her room.
“St. Anthony’s Hospital,” a voice answered on the second ring.
“Can I have Geraldine Williams’ room, please?” she asked
“No calls to rooms after 9:00, dear. I’ll transfer you to the nurse’s station.”
Sarah heard several beeps before another woman’s voice answered.
“ICU” she said. ICU? Wasn’t she was supposed to go home today?
“Yes, ma’am,” Sarah began, “I was calling about Geraldine Williams.”
“Oh,” she replied softly, “We have the rest of her belongings boxed up. You can pick them up tomorrow. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Sarah chin nearly hit the floor. His grandmother was dead? “Uh...” she stuttered. “Thank you.” She slammed the phone back on the nightstand. He must be devastated! Where could he be? Dammit, Sarah, you should have asked how long ago he left. Maybe he is just now driving home. Without a second thought, she ran out of the house and back through the woods to wait for him.
****
Blinded by the sunlight, Sarah reached down to pull the blanket over her eyes, but there was no blanket to grab. She had fallen asleep on Brett’s porch waiting for him to come home. Now, the sun was coming up and he still wasn’t home.
Scraping the sleep out of her eyes, Sarah stood and stretched. She walked off to the end of the porch and peered through the window. The blinds had been pulled and she couldn’t see inside. She pushed at the window, trying to raise it but it was locked. With renewed determination, she made her way around to the back, finding what she thought was his bedroom window. Standing on her tiptoes, she reached up to wiggle the frame. It moved about a half inch. Pushing with all of her strength, Sarah forced the window open.
“Brett!” she called. Maybe he had gotten drunk after learning about his grandmother and had gotten a ride. After she got no reply, she yelled again. Still nothing. Pulling herself up, she climbed into the window and dropped onto the floor in Brett’s bedroom.
The bed was bare. Not just empty of people, but of sheets and blankets. It had been stripped. A niggle of fear crawled up the back of her spine as she pulled open the closet door. All of Brett’s things were gone. Only three old wire hangers remained. Tears burning her eyelids, she marched to the dresser and ripped open all of the drawers. One by one, she found them empty. Despair overtook her and she sat on the mattress and let herself cry.
Killer Desires Page 8