Looking up at Neptune, leering so greatly in the sky, it’s hard to fathom how far we are from home. I barely believed how dim and cold the sun could shine here but a world where it doesn’t shine at all? From my window I watched the strange plants sway majestically in the undetectable breeze and my mind was cast back to home. To her. Before it happened we always used to lie on the grass in my garden and watch the clouds skim across the deep blue sky. There is no sky here, only the purple haze that drifts in front of the stars, constantly reminding me that I am so far away and she is gone.
There was a knock at my door and the site representative edged in. “How are you settling?” I nodded quickly without turning to him. “I’m aware she didn’t make it,” he continued, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“'It happens,' they told me,” I looked down at the white rose in my hand. She had given it to me just before we left for the transport. It had wilted and began to brown but it was the only thing I had left of Earth. The only thing linking me to a lost life. “These things don't just 'happen.' I only lost sight of her for a minute. It was long enough to be consumed by the crowd, though.”
The representative hung his head. He had heard any number of stories just the same since landing but none were any easier to hear. “Orientation is in twenty minutes,” he said at last, hovering in the hatchway of my small bunkroom for a few seconds more in silence. “Feel free to look around the complex and the surrounding area, god knows this place needs exploring. Just don't wander too far,” he waited for a while longer, watching me cradle the dying rose before silently leaving.
I continued to stare out at the alien landscape and watched as another lifeboat ship touched down in the blast pit. Every time another landed I felt a spark of hope telling me that she had somehow made it, but every time I knew it was false hope. I had seen it before, no one ever got out of those crowds let alone onto another ship. After a lifeboat left it all turned to hell. No one cared about anything anymore, they just tore each other apart, civilisation collapsed and in the end there was nothing left.
The refugees poured from the ship, haggard and filthy, not yet even caring where they had landed, just elated to be free from the cramped capsule. I should know, everyone here should have know what it was like. Those twelve days spent barely able to move, no food, hardly any water. It felt like an eternity. I turned away from the Plexiglas window, not wanting to remember anymore, and slowly started down one of the claustrophobic tunnels towards orientation.
Every single person in the auditorium looked the same. They looked exactly how I felt. Every one of them had lost it all; lives, loved ones, everything they had ever known. The seminar its self was only what could have been expected given how many bureaucrats had been brought. System of government, distribution of work and provisions, all too much about 'our bright future'. Soon it was over, though, and I was on my way back to my cramped bunk. Despite the supposedly inspiring words by our leaders, nobody said even a word to one another on the way out. They didn't understand how we felt. How could they? They hadn't lost anything. Their families and their status, everything had come with them. For all it meant, none of it mattered. I just stared out of that window once again, watching as they dismantled the tin cans they called space ships for recycling. This really was a unusual place. Strange mists drifted all around, suspended in the middle air, shapes glided high above and the plants that surrounded the settlement. No matter how I felt their gentle sway somehow settled my mind, soft colours from the Neptunian sky glinting off their slick, fleshy skin. In the crisis of it all no one had considered the possibility of life out here. Even now, when we were faced with this lurid alien ecosystem it did little to stir that curious nature in any of us. It was just yet another thing we had to take in our stride. This as with everything else; the loss of loved ones, the passing of all we knew, the destruction of our very world, it just had to be dealt with.
Even so the place worked to ease my warring emotions, extruding a placid embrace that had already settled my feelings somewhat since our arrival. I considered if that was the reason they had chosen this place. Maybe there was some naturally occurring sedative in the air here. Undoubtedly a small, calm and docile populous was easier to control than the raging urban sprawls that had developed on Earth. It mattered little to me how they would try to control this bastion of humanity. Sooner of later everyone would realise that we would have to work together if we had any hope of surviving. Even those who considered themselves so high and mighty, the leaders among men, would have to join in with the rest of us in the toil of building our future. In that thought I was reminded of what the representative had mentioned of exploration. In the bleakness of my salvation, the survivors guilt, nothing excited me more than exploring a whole new world. After all, it was the most literal sense of escapism, the dream of turning your back on the turmoil of your past life to find an entirely new reality.
Finally placing the wilted, drying rose head on the rim of the viewport I made my way down to one of the supplementary airlocks, with the primary ones still too crammed with clamouring refugees to be of any use. Although the atmosphere on this world was breathable, filtered air was still pumped into the complex and you had to go through decontamination every time you wanted to enter or leave. The logical reason would be to think there was some concern around particles or alien bacteria. As with the majority of things, though, it was much more bureaucratic. It had probably been designed like it was because that's how people expected it to be. To have an off world complex which didn't have complex airlocks and filtration units simply didn't seem right and tended to make people suspicious. Apparently yet another ploy to subdue the general population, meet expectations and keep everyone quiet.
There was only one attendant stood on duty to open the way to the shimmering haze outside. Upon noticing my approach, without a word, she turned and retrieved a belt with a facemask and small canister marked 'O2' hooked onto it. As soon as I took it she quickly turned and pressed a large button to one side of two large doors which slid apart with a short hiss. Turning back she stood, expectantly staring at me whilst I fumbled to clip the belt around my waist. It was clear that this was just another attempt at meeting peoples expectations. If it wasn't then there would have been a briefing on how to use the mask properly, some instructions or at least a concern about the fact I was having difficulty equipping it. Instead there was just an uncomfortable impatience radiating from the attendant, clearly assigned this task for the simple reason that someone had to do it and it didn't really matter who. Eventually I managed to clip the awkward buckle together and the small gas tank fell loosely to my side, hanging surprisingly heavily against my leg. Again, there was that expectant look as she waited for me to step into the unnecessary airlock, so I quickly complied. No sooner as I had moved past the small rooms magnetic seal did the doors hiss shut behind me. I felt a mild pressure growing in the front of my head as the atmosphere was filtered out, replaced with that of the outside. Soon enough the pair of exterior doors gasped and parted with a muffled hiss where my ears had not yet equalised to the pressure. It was something to look out at this place but to be out here was something completely different. A fine, violet mist lapped at my feet and I choked for a second, reconsidering my initial stance on the face masks. During the meeting there had been something about the composition of the air here having a higher concentration of Argon. All anyone heard, though, was 'not dangerous.' Even so I hadn't expected it to catch my breath like it did.
I took a deep gulp of air and started off into the alien wilderness. There were no fences, no real edge to the compound and you had to use your own judgement when knowing how far to venture out. I was afraid to admit to myself that my own judgement was sorely lacking as I wandered far into the bizarre landscape. It felt like something was at my back, pressing me further out, away from any form of civilisation. Without looking back I knew that the compound was quickly falling away over the horizon and would be near impossible to find again lest I turned back no
w. I was only kidding myself, though, as the compound had already long since been obscured by the strange mist, its form distorted and broken by the shimmering air. I stopped for a second and thought about what I was doing. It wasn't so much as a revelation to my mind as more of a new awareness. I was lost. Far away from any form of home in a world I neither knew or cared for. Despite my anticipation of it, the swell of panic at being alone out here, the fear of never getting back, it never rose from the pit of my stomach. Then I realised why. I was already about as far away from home as I could be anyway. I was already alone, no chance of ever going back. All the fear and panic I would experience had already been and gone, thrust on me when I caught a last glance of the dwindling Earth from the lifeboat. It had raced away so quickly, become so small so soon.
I slumped down on a large boulder and inspected a small bioluminescent plant as it swayed gently in all directions, apparently ignoring the fundamental force that was gravity. At least out here it was quiet. I was unsure if I should or not but at least out here I had the option to think. Think about all that had happened to me, to the whole of humanity. Instead my mind was drawn to thoughts of colonisation, frontier folk travelling out here to start a new, away from the old governments that had the misfortune of surviving. Soon there would be towns everywhere, maybe even colonies on some of the other moons that were faintly visible against Neptune's bright glow. Soon the concept 'lost' would be, again, as it had been on Earth; all but extinct.
I withdrew from the strange plant, feeling guilty that it, along with all forms of unique and amazing life on this world would eventually fall to the humans who trampled with such voraciousness. Would this place fall victim to the plague of Man as our own planet had? It wasn't a thought I savoured. There was no justification for us to take other worlds as though we were divinely entitled, no excuse for us to do what we pleased with them.
As those sentiments drifted through my mind, so too did a chorus of agreement. They weren't actual words, just feelings, reinforcement of the precedent I had proposed. Only, the agreements, they were not my own. They couldn't be, there were too many of them. They spoke with me like a thousand voices, each more abrasive than the last but soothed into a unified flow by a single meaning. I felt the voices probe my mind, reaching into every facet of what I was. I didn't know what to do, had no idea what was happening. Even now, I still wasn't scared and I started to consider whether the feeling was even possible for me anymore. It was something different, though, I wasn't scared because I knew there wasn't anything to be scared of. Throughout the whole time they were in my mind there was one overriding message of safety, that they meant no harm. They made it known that, at any time, I could close off a part of myself and they would not attempt to invade. So I just sat on that boulder, bewildered as an unseen force rummaged through my thoughts like I would have searched a cupboard.
Eventually they withdrew, apparently satisfied they had rummaged sufficiently and I was left feeling surprisingly alone. I remained seated, unmoving for quite some time more, waiting for whatever may come next. Nothing did. It had been a whirlwind of the unknown and now, without notice, it had gone. I pushed myself up from the rock and felt a chill in the air. It was made clear to me that it was time to head back, that is if I could find the way back.
"Why go?" asked a single voice, echoed as if carried on the wind. The independence of the voice, its singular nature seemed eerie after all of those exploring thoughts. “Why return to those who would sadden you?” The voice didn't so much speak to me than rather imply its meaning through complex feelings and emotions, some of which I had never even dreamt of considering.
I thought about how to respond or whether to respond at all. As the multitude of questions and possible replies flowed through my mind it was like that voice plucked out the most relevant to proceed with.
"Why do you have to go back?"
I moved to vocalise my thoughts as instinct dictated but paused short, intrigued by the idea of this higher form of communication. "It's home now," I thought, feeling it unnecessary to try and project them in any way. I merely let the essence of what might have otherwise become speech drift through my mind and it was understood. It could never be an awkward, poorly phrased shamble of words. it was always the pure meaning of what you wanted to communicate. "My people are there..." I added at last. I wasn't sure why I had put it as I had 'My people.' I didn't even know if this voice in my head was part of a different type of people. It could have all caught up on me, for all I knew. I could have been having a psychotic episode. As it transpired, I wasn't. In fact it was the clearest outlook I was given since leaving Earth.
"I know of them," the essence assured calmly, "they are all as lost as you. We can help."
Finally the question I had been trying to avoid slipped to the forefront of my thoughts. The presence questioned its self whether I would be capable of understanding the answer.
"I am everything here. I am the nothingness you feel when you are alone. I am the air you feel on your face. I am not only of this world, this world is of me. It is of all of us, all of us and the single being we are."
The cryptic assault on my comprehension boggled my already confused mind. It was clear the meaning had been greatly simplified for my apparently primitive cortex but in that simplification a great part of its meaning had been lost.
"Only to be us you would understand our existence."
"You are the soul of this planet?" I considered tentatively, trying to hold back weak and unimportant musings.
"I like this name. Soul. Your idea of it is pure and beautiful. Of a sort, I am this world, but this world is also me." Its voice fell silent for a moment and my sorrow fell upon me again like a weight. Only I was not reminded of it until it had already returned. It was as though I was feeling my own sadness reflected back by this strange, ethereal being. "I feel you are still alone. Even though I am with you, I feel you are not with us."
Out of the low lying mist a shape began to form. It rose out of the drifting fog, taking the shape of a person as it went. Features began to form, spirit like hair tumbled down its back and I couldn't believe what I was witnessing. "Why her?" I asked out loud, my mind too ablaze with emotion to articulate anything else.
"This is the most comforting form for you." To my surprise the ghostly figure vocalised back in a way I couldn't begin to understand. Its voice reminded me of her. Hearing it in that faint, shallow way made me feel as though she was speaking to me herself, from across the void between here and Earth.
"I'm not sure if I would say comforting," I stood up and took a step towards the misty figure that watched me happily. "What do you want?"
"To help," she replied simply, raising her translucent hand to my face. "Why did you come here? Why did your kind settle on this world?"
It was a valid point. None of us had properly considered why we had landed here, of all places. There had been no word on any significant resources or even bodies of water. It had only been discovered there was life here when the first lifeboats landed. If anything those pioneering Mars colonies would have been a better choice, even in spite of the fact there was no breathable air there. Then it hit me, why the complex had airlocks and oxygen masks at all.
"We felt your pain from across the gulf. Felt you wanted to start a new. We called you, changing our home so that it would be yours. The first of you struggled here but as we grew to know you we could work to sustain you."
"You 'called' us?" I asked, unbelieving of the outrageous tale.
"And you came," she answered again simply. "This is how it has been for an age of the galaxy. All races face the end. They face what they truly are and what they could become. Those who choose to become more are called."
"By you?" I asked forcefully, now really feeling I had lost my mind.
"Or by others. We are not like you but you could be like us. This is the nature of our being. Those who aspire to more are brought to us and, over time, often millennia or more, they become us..
. You become us."
My temper snapped. I felt like I had been lured into some trap to be consumed by a predator. "How could you do this?! You see a dying race so you decide to get your thrills from giving them hope just to use us for your own means?!" I turned to the way I thought I had come from and started walking as fast as I could but her voice was still there in my head. It forced me to a halt as she spoke inside me again.
"You know our purpose is not that. You have felt the truth of what we are, seen what your people will eventually become. Many of your people speak of a place they call 'Heaven.' The reward after you depart this..." her presence took joy from many of the human terms she had found but this one especially so, "this 'mortal coil.' Your race is dead. We are your heaven."
I couldn't deny any of it. I had seen what we could be. She made sure that was the first thing she had imprinted on my mind. But it seemed all too fast. I was still sad, angry, we all were, nothing was about to change that in a hurry. Even so, I turned around to see her still stood there, drifting loosely in the air. "And are you my angel, then?"
Even though it was just an alien manifestation of the woman I had loved, when it smiled I was still filled with the same, deep, sense that I had felt when she had given me that white rose. The sense that everything was going to be alright.
Humanity had faced a lot in its time. For thousands of years we had killed each other, destroyed the world around us but at the end it hadn't been that which destroyed us. Rather some freak act of nature. Now, though, on the brink of our end there were few enough of us left so that we could see as one. Face the future together and create something wonderful. Just as Soul had for an eternity before, we were becoming something better.
Plague
Abridged! A Short Collection of Short Stories Page 6