by Meg Ripley
I’d finally found my purpose: I would rid the Everglades, then the world, of every last crocodile shifter I could find. With my newfound sense of determination, I rose to my paws and started running back. I’d stay in the park for as long as I could and pick them off, one by one. I had tons of energy that day, more than I’d had in a long time. I could’ve gone all day.
But as I ran, it hit me: I hadn’t had a nightmare the night before. No, that couldn’t be right, I thought as I mentally flipped through the ones that often recurred. None of them had played in my mind; I had slept all night without a single nightmare. That might have been the first time it’d happened since I’d been in Afghanistan. Then, I thought of Jessie’s soft body curled up against mine as we slept. Pfft. Must have been a coincidence, I told myself. She couldn’t fix me. No one could. I stood tall on my hind legs, roared, and beat my chest.
We’re here. It was Owen. And then suddenly, damn near all my clan was there.
Where are you? Mason.
We want to help you. Ezra.
We’ll come to wherever you are. Noah.
Please, Conner. Don’t do it like this. Hailey.
I’ll head over to your place and be there when Peyton gets home. Addie. Take your time and deal with whatever is going on. Please. For your sake, for Peyton’s sake. For the clan’s sake. We can’t watch you do this anymore.
Is this a fucking intervention? I demanded.
If that’s what you want to call it, fine, Owen answered. But we’re not going to let you suffer. You have to talk to us.
I talked to someone. And it was the worst thing I could have done.
What happened? Ezra asked. Was it something with Jessie or Peyton?
Where are you? Mason demanded. Don’t make me get the force and your own team on the case to search your ass out.
Why didn’t you show up for work? Ezra asked.
In a brief flash, I received a mental image of Owen and Addie at my house. Their little boy, James, was with them.
I growled. Great. Now I can’t even go home.
Yes, you can, Owen said. Please, man. What’s going on with you? Do you want me to call your therapist?
Do you need something more? Mason offered. An inpatient stay somewhere? This is worse than it’s ever been.
I stopped running. There was only one way to escape of all the chatter: I shifted back.
I walked through the woods, naked. It took a long time to get home on human feet; long past the time Peyton would have been off the bus. I hoped Addie and Owen had stayed to bring her inside; I’m sure they had. I’m sure, too, that people were looking for me. I’d be harder to find in my human form, but not impossible. It was a huge park. One and a half million acres would take them a long time to cover.
I walked in the direction of home. My mind settled some during the hours I walked, and by the time I saw my backyard—Logan’s backyard—I was ready to face whatever or whoever was waiting for me.
A tan panther leapt up and I groaned internally. Britt. That meant Ezra was somewhere nearby. Then, I heard his footfalls and he ran at me in bear form, but quickly shifted back to human and threw his arms around me.
“Two men hugging naked outside is not the best way to keep our secret from the world,” I said flatly. I pushed him off of me. “Nor is it at all comfortable.”
He wiped tears from his eyes. “We’ve been so worried about you, man. We thought you…” He shook his head.
“You thought I what?”
“We thought you might have done something very stupid. Peyton is at Owen’s. She’s fine. She’s spending the night there.”
A spare key was hidden in the backyard under a piece of the wooden border around the garden.
“Dammit,” Britt said. “I smelled nickel and thought it was the nails. Nice spot.”
I glanced at her, then unlocked the door. I wanted to slam it in their faces, but they anticipated this and moved ahead anyhow.
I flopped down naked on the couch and they joined me. Britt smirked and went outside, and when she returned, she was wearing clothes and tossed some to Ezra. Then, she tossed me a small pouch.
“Herbs,” she explained. “My gramma came up with this blend and it works really well. You can even put it in your beer.”
“What does this blend do?” I sniffed in the bag, and my nose picked up on a mixture of things.
“It’ll calm you down and help you sleep.”
“Take some now,” Ezra said.
I set the pouch down. “That’s alright.”
“Dude,” Ezra insisted. “It wasn’t a question or an option. Take some now.”
I glared at him, but pinched a good bit between my fingers, then dropped it into my mouth and swallowed. It tasted like lavender and rosemary…and cedar sawdust.
I winced. “Nasty shit.” I picked up a half empty beer bottle and washed it down.
“Said it worked, not that it tastes good,” Britt admitted.
Ezra watched me, waiting.
“If this does something crazy to me, I will come after you,” I threatened.
“That’s fine,” he said.
Britt got up and took a bag into the kitchen. I heard the microwave start. My stomach lurched, but the burning numb sensation from the herbs helped to keep the contents of my gut in place.
“You can start talking anytime you want,” Ezra said.
“Nothing to talk about.”
He sat back and crossed his arms. Maybe it was in my head, but I felt my heart slow. The anxiety faded and the heaviness in my chest lifted some. I blinked back tears. When Britt set a plate of fried chicken and mashed potatoes in front of me, I ate like I hadn’t eaten in years.
I set the empty plate down and looked at them.
Ezra said, “Now. What’s going on?”
I told them as much as I could without getting emotional. Britt was more like one of the guys than Ezra’s mate, so that helped me feel comfortable saying what I had to without feeling like I was offending someone. She’d just come out and tell me if I did something stupid. They listened and nodded and didn’t interrupt.
When I was done, Ezra raised his eyebrows. “Is that all of it? That’s what has had you so messed up all day?”
“Isn’t that enough?” I demanded.
“It’s a lot,” Britt agreed.
“Conner.” Ezra leaned forward in his chair. “Dude. There’s no reason to put yourself through this. You fell for her. It happens. It’s not a bad thing. Go after her, apologize, tell her you freaked out, and get her back.”
I shook my head. “It’ll never work between us.”
Britt laughed. “I thought that once, too. Turns out this idiot is my perfect match.” She shoved Ezra and he rolled his eyes.
“You’re both shifters.”
“But we’re different species and we couldn’t be more different in every way,” Ezra explained.
I waved my hand. “She couldn’t handle the shifter thing.”
“Oh, I thought you said you didn’t tell her,” Britt said.
“I didn’t.”
“Then you have no idea how she’d respond, do you?” she challenged.
“She’s a human, 100%. I know I seem like a total idiot, but I’m actually not.”
“Don’t get worked up,” Ezra said. “No one’s calling you an idiot. If she has feelings for you, you could be surprised at what she might accept.”
I shook my head slowly. “I can’t take the chance. It would ruin me.”
“But the thing is,” Ezra continued, “you already have. You took the chance and let her in. You let yourself fall for her. That’s huge. You opened up to her on an emotional level; you already did the hardest part. Talk to her and find out what she feels for you. I guess if she hates you, don’t tell her, but I’ll bet she doesn’t, man. I’ll bet she’s just as crazy for you as you are for her. You won’t know until you make the move and try. That’s what I did. You remember how I was.”
I rolled my eyes. “Goo
d god, you were obnoxious. It was so obvious to us that you had it bad, but you wouldn’t see it.”
Ezra raised his hands. “Hello? Listen to what I’m saying. It’s obvious now that you have it bad. That’s why you’re freaking out. Just like it was clear to you that I had to talk to Britt and get over myself, it’s your turn.”
“This is totally different.”
“Yup,” Ezra said. “Except it’s not.”
I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Dude! You’re already miserable! You’re already hurting, in pain and feeling rejected; it can’t get any worse. Not really. But if you don’t talk to her and find out, you’ll never know. And then you’ll have to live with that forever. Every time you feel lonely, every time you have a nightmare, every time you want someone to talk to or to be there, you’ll wonder if it could have worked out.”
I pictured it. He was right. It would kill me. And it was already terrible. I already felt like my insides were on fire, roasting me from the inside out. How much worse could it be?
“Fine,” I said.
“Fine…as in, you’ll talk to her?” he asked.
“I’ll talk to her. I’ll at least apologize and feel her out. Then, I’ll decide from there.”
“Perfect. My job here is done,” Ezra said. “Now go get some sleep, man.”
15
Jessie
I hopped into my car after the interview and picked up my phone to send a text to Nikki.
It went great!
She’d been anxious to hear about it, so I wasn’t surprised when she responded right away.
Awesome, I knew it would! You’ll have to tell me all about it when you get home. I’ll have a tub of chocolate peanut butter swirl ready for ya! xoxo
As soon as I arrived, I dropped my purse by the door and Nikki shoved a spoon into my hand. “So, what did he say?” she asked.
“He was so impressed by my education,” I answered, sliding the spoon through the crisp, cool ribbon of peanut butter. “And even by my experience as a nanny! He said it would really help.”
Nikki hugged me tightly. “See, I knew you could do it!”
“Thanks for helping me.” I smiled as I took a mouthful and exhaled through my nose, allowing the sweet and salty flavors to melt on my tongue. I’d almost packed up and gone back home after the whole Conner thing happened, but Nikki had convinced me to at least go on that one interview. I had nothing to lose and only a crappy job back home to gain. My pitiful paycheck from the diner looked pretty sad compared to what I’d been making as a nanny. Heck, I’d thought about possibly looking for another nannying job if the teaching position didn’t come through. As rough as it had been, I’d loved being there. I still missed Peyton and hoped that the transition hadn’t been too hard on her.
The next day, I received a call telling me that I’d been awarded the job and Nikki took me out for dinner to celebrate. After our Mexican meal, I was stuffed, so I decided to end the night on our couch watching a cheesy romantic comedy. While I was excited to have a new job, I couldn’t deny that I still felt upset about Conner and Peyton. I missed them badly. It had already been over a week since I’d left, and I didn’t think I’d be seeing them anytime soon. Maybe not ever.
I had almost two weeks to kill before my job would be starting. It was like torture to have that much idle time. Curiosity got the best of me one day, and I found myself driving past Conner’s house, just to see if I could catch a glimpse of them, but I saw no one. I wished I would run into them somewhere, but Conner didn’t go anywhere—except for work, anyway.
I busied myself by reading and cleaning everything there was to clean. I even thought about picking up a small job in the meantime, but what could I do for less than two weeks? I found myself taking long walks, but my mind would always drift to memories of Conner. Our night together. Where I went wrong. What I could have done to make it better. I still didn’t have any answers.
By the time the day finally came for me to start, I was ecstatic. Smoothing the skirt of my new outfit, I spun for Nikki. “Good?”
“Perfect teacher attire.”
“I can’t believe I’m actually a teacher!” I squealed. All those long years of college had finally paid off.
I got in my car and tried to stay calm as I drove to the school. Luckily, I’d been given a tour after my interview, so I knew exactly where to go. I checked in with my supervisor, then headed to my classroom. The other teacher I’d be working with was there already, and she looked up at me with a tired smile.
“Hi there,” I said cheerfully, sticking out my hand. “I’m Jessie Miller, the new teacher.”
“Yes, I know,” she replied. “I hope you can keep that attitude past the first hour.”
My smile faltered and I dropped my hand. “Well…I hope so, too. I’ve wanted to be an elementary school teacher for most of my life.”
“Well,” she sighed, “it’s much less teaching than what they probably told you. Half the reason they can’t keep anyone in this position is because they have a nasty habit of painting it differently from what it’s really like.”
I swallowed hard. “What do you mean? And I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”
“The kids call me Miss Marcy.”
“Nice to meet you, Marcy.”
“Miss Marcy,” she corrected.
I flushed. “My apologies, Miss Marcy. How is it different?”
“Oh, you’ll see. Just be prepared to yell a lot.”
I furrowed my brow, but I didn’t have time to ask her more questions. A boy rushed into the room and threw his backpack down on the floor so hard, it made me jump.
“Who are you?” he accused, pointing at me with an angry look on his face.
I took a deep breath. Here we go. “I’m Miss Jessie.” I held out my hand to him. Instead of shaking it, he slapped it hard and ran around the room in laps.
“Aiden! Sit! Now!” Miss Marcy hollered at him, but he didn’t stop. “You’re losing your recess time right now.”
“Ahhh!” He covered his ears with his hands and kept running.
I watched in horror. The man who interviewed me, my new supervisor, had said that I would be working with a small group of students who couldn’t be in the mainstream classrooms for various reasons. “Most of them,” he’d explained, “need a little extra help.” He’d made it seem like they possibly had learning disabilities or special needs; I’d been prepared for that. But I had not been prepared for kids removed from class for behavioral issues.
I looked at the clock. The rest of the class would be arriving any minute. Maybe it’s just Aiden who’s like that, I hoped. Maybe the rest of the class will be more like what I was expecting.
But by the time mid-morning rolled around, I knew I’d been wrong. Every single one of my students was a handful—and using the term “handful” was being polite. Unfortunately, Miss Marcy had been right. I yelled more than I ever expected to yell. I’d pleaded with one girl to stop pulling out her hair. I had to restrain a boy from kicking another student and was told that sending him to the principal wouldn’t do much, so not to bother. I’d tried to teach them something. Anything. But as soon as I got one settled, another would act up.
At the end of the day, I sat in my car, fully exhausted, and cried. That wasn’t what I’d gone to school for, and it certainly wasn’t how I wanted to be spending my days. I wasn’t a teacher to those kids; I was little more than a prison warden, trying to keep them from rioting or killing each other.
My mind drifted to Peyton and Conner. My heart ached for them. Peyton, my quiet, sweet little girl. Even with her, it had taken time to get her to trust me; maybe that’s all it would take with those kids. If I tried to connect with them differently, maybe I could get through. I thought of that movie where the teacher just had to find a way to get them interested in learning before she got through to them. Maybe I could, too. Maybe I could turn things around and help those kids after all.
I had planned to make din
ner that night. Nikki was working a late shift and wasn’t going to be home to eat with me, and after a day like that, I was tired and needed a little pick me up. Instead of cooking, I decided to treat myself to a frozen pizza instead—and maybe some ice cream. That would make the night better.
I drove to the local market and pushed my cart around slowly, the frustration of the day settling deep in my bones. I didn’t want to go back, despite whatever hopes I had earlier. Even if I could eventually get them to learn something, it would take time and a lot of hard work, and I didn’t know if I had the stamina or the ability to make it happen.
I ended up buying a pepperoni pizza, a tub of chocolate chip ice cream, a package of soft chocolate chip cookies—in case I decided to make an ice cream sandwich—and a bag of salt and cracked pepper potato chips. At least I could eat my way to happiness for the time being, right? But as I was heading to the checkout line, I caught a glimpse of someone from behind.
No.
My blood ran cold. The man turned to the side, showing me his profile, and I almost fainted. I held my breath and then turned sharply, careening down another aisle to avoid having him see me. Of all the times I’d hoped to run into Conner somewhere, I didn’t want it to be then. All the things I thought I would say left my mind. I couldn’t handle it that night.
I searched around, paranoid, as I slowly made my way to the checkout. I kept looking over my shoulder, making sure he wasn’t coming. What would I say if I saw him?
To my relief, the checkout girl was quick and I hurried out to my car with a bag in each hand. I tossed the bags in my backseat and looked around one last time. I’d done it. I’d avoided him.
I jammed my key in the ignition and noticed a text from Nikki.
How was it? she asked.