“Sounds like a good way to going about things.” Cyn pressed her lips to his neck. “I’ll grab the wine. You get the glasses.”
“On it.” Shane pulled two glasses from the cupboard as she grabbed the bottle of Sauvignon Blanc from the fridge.
She set the wine on the counter. “Bottle opener?”
“Here.” He handed her the glasses and then retrieved the corkscrew from the drawer. After drawing out the cork, he poured them each half a glass. “To a successful journey.” Shane forced a smile and tapped the edge of his glass to hers.
“Sounds nice.” Cyn raised the glass to her mouth and Shane couldn’t peel his eyes away from her lips as they closed over the edge and she swallowed a small sip.
Desire sped through his veins like a wildfire and every inch of his skin tingled in awareness of her. Jesus, he didn’t think he’d ever not want her.
She smiled as she lowered the glass. “Mmm. This is my favorite kind of white. Aren’t you going to have some?”
Shane cleared his throat. “Of course. I just…”
“You just what?” Cyn tilted her head to the side, her soft brown eyes fixed on him.
With the barest shake of his head, Shane sipped the wine. He just wanted to watch her, wanted to brand every detail of this moment, and how she looked, in his memory—although he knew, forgetting any part of her simply wasn’t possible. Hell, even the tiniest of features, like the faded freckles on the bridge of her nose and cheeks were imprinted in his mind. Yet still, considering the decision he’d made earlier—
“Looks like it’s about ready.” She peered into the pot.
Yanked from his thoughts, Shane forced a smile and shut off the burner. “Looks that way.”
Shane pushed his plate aside and swallowed the last of his wine. Setting his glass down he reached for the bottle. “You have your fill yet?”
Cyn rolled her eyes—her mouth full of the meal he’d cooked for her—and swallowed. “You think? I mean, I had two servings. But it’s just so yummy I’m contemplating a third…although my ass is currently winning the argument with my taste buds.”
Shane chuckled and filled his glass. “What argument is that?”
“You know, the one where my ass says, ‘Hello, mouth? I’m big enough, don’t need to be any bigger. Drop the fork, now. Step away from the plate.’ And my mouth says, ‘Noooooo! Feeeeed meeee mooore!’” She grinned and sipped her wine.
Shane blurted a laugh and was more than grateful he hadn’t been taking a drink because he’d have sprayed it across the table. She’d made him laugh so many times that night he’d lost count. It felt so good to laugh with her again—felt good to just be with her too. Damn! With his heart aching and his laughter under control, he swallowed a gulp of wine forcing the lump that’d risen back down his throat.
She shoved the plate away. “Okay, yeah. Take this away from me before I eat more.”
“Guessing your ass won?”
“Damn right.”
“You know, I happen to love your ass, so if it gets bigger, I’m all for that.”
“Shane Conlon, I’m quite familiar with how fond of my ass you are. But it’s good to know that if it should grow to mammoth proportions, you’re all on board with the bootay.”
“Mmm. Now all I want to do is make you eat more.”
Cyn shook her head and giggled. “You’re crazy.” She sipped her wine. “God, I love this wine.”
“Glad you love it. Glad you loved dinner too.” Shane stood and took their plates to the sink. “How about you wander out to my living room and I’ll meet you there in a minute or two.”
“You’re not going to let me help with the dishes, are you?”
He winked. “Nope.”
Cyn stood. “Okay fine, but I’m taking the bottle of wine with me.” She stuck her tongue out and disappeared around the corner, her giggle trailing behind her.
After Shane finished in the kitchen he went to join her. Rounding the corner, he stopped the moment his eyes found her. Cyn had her legs curled beneath her on the couch with the lights off. The blue glow of the television highlighted her profile and made Shane’s breath catch in his throat. To him, she was more than beautiful.
She glanced up at him as he approached her, grabbed the remote and muted the sound. “I’m guessing you’re ready to have that talk now?”
Shane took a seat on the other end of the sofa. “S’pose so.”
“Which one of us gets to go first?” She turned and faced him, raising her knees in front of her and pulling them to her chest.
“Ladies first, always.” The urge to touch her, pull her close, rode him like a diesel truck late for a delivery. Instead, he shoved the desire as far away as he could and smoothed his palm over his head.
She blew out a breath. “Well, I’ve been seeing a counselor. A lot. Twice a week actually, for the last month.”
“That’s awesome, Cyn. God, I’m just so damn relieved to hear that.” Unable to hold himself back he ran his hand over her knee.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to do it. I should’ve listened to you from the beginning. I guess I just thought…” She glanced away.
“Thought you could just deal with it, right? That eventually it’d go away.” He gave her knee a squeeze “Hey, look at me.” When she did, he continued. “It’s okay. I get it. I went through the same thing myself when I got back to the States.”
“Yeah, I guess you probably did.” She smiled. “But you’re all good now.”
“For the most part, yeah.” Shane pulled his hand away. “I don’t know if it ever goes away completely, you know? But it just…becomes less, I guess.”
“Yeah.” Cyn scooted closer, crossed her legs between them and rested her elbows on her knees. “I owe you a huge amends, Shane.”
Shane had to look away. She was so close, close enough to kiss and if he gave in to the need pulsing in his veins they’d end up in bed again. He had to be strong and do the right thing. It was for the best that Shane let her have the time she needed—as she’d planned before he rolled into town. Then again, Cyn could tell him she didn’t want to be with him. If that were the case, giving her space wouldn’t be necessary. She’d have all the space she needed. Shane frowned and looked back at her. “Not necessary, Cyn. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Like hell I don’t. I treated you like absolute shit. I yelled at you, like, all the time. I was a bitch practically twenty-four seven, unless we were naked, of course. Though, I might’ve been a bitch a few times then too.” She frowned.
“Cyn—”
“It’s my turn, right?”
“Technically, yeah, but—”
“Then shut it.” Her lips pulled into a slow grin.
He let out a groan. “Girl…” Once again, Shane had to resist the urge to kiss her. Damn her for tugging on a memory, a particularly erotic one, from when they’d first been together.
“It’ll be your turn soon enough.” She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Promise.”
Shane cleared his throat as his heart raced, pounding in his ears from her brief contact. “All right. I’m shuttin’ it. Continue.”
“Thank you.” She smiled and ran her fingers through her hair. “I treated you so poorly, and you were beyond patient, and kind and…a fucking saint. You were a goddamn saint, Shane. And I want you to know, that even though I didn’t show it at the time, I appreciated—appreciate it. I haven’t stopped appreciating it.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you either. It’s also why I’m here. I miss you and I want you in my life. And I don’t know how that’ll work, considering we live in different places, but I don’t care. I love you and I don’t want to be apart from you.” She twisted her hands in front of her and blew out a breath. “Okay, I think if you don’t say something now, I might cry.”
Shane c
ouldn’t look away from her as she said all the things she needed to say. In the space of a nanosecond his heart swelled and then broke into a million pieces. Every single dream he’d had regarding Cyn and having a life with her had just been fulfilled and none of it mattered because he had to let her go.
Shane rubbed the back of his neck and tried to calm down. Nothing like breaking my own heart. Nothing like depriving himself of happiness too. But this wasn’t about him. It was about Cyn, and what was best for her, and Shane had every intention of doing right by her. “I miss you too, Cyn. Thank you for your apology, but it wasn’t necessary. I knew what you were going through and why. You don’t have to be sorry for that.”
She clasped his hand and he let her. Then she intertwined her fingers with his, and he let her do that too. He glanced at her face. Her eyes were wide, and a small smile graced her pretty lips.
“As far as being in each other’s lives…I’m not sure that’s a good…I just…I don’t—” Fuuuuckkk! The smile that’d curved her lips fell, and she furrowed her brow and glanced away from him. Goddammit. Sometimes doing the right thing sucked—sucked really goddamn hard.
Chapter Forty-Two
Cyn couldn’t look at him. Jesus fucking Christ…he wasn’t in love with her. Oh my God, he doesn’t— The realization stung, a hard slap right in the face. Shane missed her, yeah, and maybe he loved fucking her, but he didn’t love love her. Not in the way she loved him.
Cyn jerked her hand away and stood. “Holy shit. I’m so sorry.” She glanced around. “I need to go.”
“Cyn, wait. Let me finish.”
“No, please don’t.” With heat rising in her face, she headed for the bedroom. She needed to gather her things and get the hell out of there. Christ, she was mortified. That was the second time Cyn had told him she loved him, except the first time didn’t count. She hadn’t really meant it. Saying “I love you” when someone’s giving a person six freaking orgasms shouldn’t count.
This time she’d meant it. This time it sure as hell counted—a whole fuck of a lot. And now, sadly, just like the first time, she wished she hadn’t said it.
By the time she entered the bedroom, steadily blinking back tears, she stopped in her tracks, realizing her suitcase was still by the front door. Damn. Shit. Fuck. Cyn turned and ran smack into Shane’s broad chest.
She let out a startled squeak and Shane gripped her arms. “Will you stop and listen for a minute? You didn’t let me finish.”
Cyn tried to step away, but he wouldn’t let go. Great. Determined to avoid any further embarrassment, she refused to meet his gaze, instead kept her eyes down. “I don’t think there’s any reason to finish. You said enough that I get the gist of it.”
“No. You did not get the gist of it.” He edged her backward until she felt the mattress at the back of her legs. “Sit.”
Cyn sat and then licked her lips. Frustration pulsed through her, riding on the massive wave of heartache swamping her system. She might have no choice but to listen, but there was no way in hell she was going to look at him while he explained—in full detail—why he didn’t want to be with her.
“Come on now. Look at me, would you?”
Keeping her eyes trained on the rug, Cyn rubbed the space between her brows. “Say what you need to say, Shane. Then let me go please.”
Shane let out a growl. “I swear to God you’re gonna be the damn death of me. You are so freaking stubborn sometimes—” she watched his legs as he paced in front of her, “—I don’t even know what to do with you.”
“You could just let me leave and then you won’t have to deal my stubbornness.”
“Yeah, that’s not happening.”
“Fine.” She crossed her arms.
“Fine.” He stopped pacing and stood in front of her. “You win this round.”
Cyn let her gaze travel up his body, but only far enough to see he had his hands propped on his lean hips. In spite of the fact that she was drowning beneath waves of heartbreak, embarrassment and now frustration, her stomach tightened at the sight of his pelvis. She knew exactly how powerful and gorgeous his body was and how perfectly he fit between her legs. Fuck me, really? It truly didn’t matter if she was pissed at him or her feelings were hurt.
Cyn still wanted him. The sex was just that good.
Before him, no sex had ever been that good—so good that her body craved it even if she was upset with the guy. Yet here it was…that goddamn craving. Cyn licked her lips, and Shane let out another growl. Dammit. She’d forgotten how affected he was by her lip-licks and if she didn’t curtail her hydrating activities they’d end up naked again, and the situation didn’t need any more complication. Neither did her heart.
He let out a sigh and resumed his pacing. “Cynthia, what I was trying to say to you is that I think you need to finish your journey.”
Her head snapped up. “What journey?”
Shane stopped and pinned her with a hard stare. “You gonna let me get this out?”
Shifting her gaze from his, Cyn swallowed past the lump in her throat and nodded. Jesus, he looked good when he got all stern with her. Focus!
“Thank you.” He started the pacing again. “As I was saying, your journey. I’m well aware that you’d planned to take a year off from dating.” She opened her mouth, ready to question what he was saying… “Girl, so help me, you don’t let me get this out, I will flip you over and tan that fine ass of yours.”
Cyn clamped her mouth closed and sat on her hands. The last time he’d threatened that, he’d followed through and then some. She crossed her legs and squeezed her thighs together at the memory of the sex they’d had that night. Shane meant his threats, his promises and his declaration. Fucking hell, focus!
“Look, here’s the thing.” He knelt down in front of her, and the softness of his tone hit Cyn right in the feels so hard, she couldn’t help but meet his gaze. “I want a life with you. I want it so bad it’s all I can think about. But I think—no, I know, that for now you need to do what you’d set out to before I came to L.A. I got in the way of your plans; now I need to get out of the way and let my girl work through her stuff. When you’re done, we’ll figure out how we have a life together.”
“How did you—” Cyn frowned. Angie must’ve told him about the moratorium. Dammit. And now he thought… “Wait, are you telling me that you want me to take the year and that you’ll wait for me to do that?”
“I want what’s best for you.” He cupped her cheek in his palm. “That’s what’s best for you, Cyn.”
Was he fucking crazy? The expression in his eyes was filled with nothing but genuine sentiment. He meant what was saying to her, that was clear, but… Yeah, this man was beyond sweet, and profoundly honorable, but possibly out of his freaking mind too. “And, you’ll wait for me.”
He placed both hands on her legs. “Absolutely.”
“And you think this is what’s best for me?”
“I know it is.”
Yep, it was time to school him. Cyn tilted her head to the side. “Wow. So, has it occurred to you that maybe I know what’s best for me?”
In an instant the expression on his face changed from soft and sweet to confusion, and he cocked his head back. “Well, I…”
Cyn stood and stepped around him. “Right, you didn’t. What the hell is this, Shane? You just think you’re going to make this decision for us and not even give me a say in it?”
“No. I just—”
She faced him as he was getting to his feet. Jesus he looked good, his face all serious, but she did her best to ignore it. “You just what, exactly? Please, tell me, because frankly, I’m a tad confused.”
Shane met her gaze, a steadfast expression in his eyes. “Look, this is important to me, it’s important for us. You need to be sure, Cyn.”
“I am sure, Shane!”
“First off, lower
your voice. Second, I know you think you’re sure, but has it occurred to you that maybe I need to be sure?” He took a step closer.
She raised her hand and pressed it to his chest in an effort to hold him back. If he got any closer the pheromones he was throwing off were going to knock her to her knees. Literally. Fighting with him always served as a spark to ignite their flames, and true to form, their argument was abiding by the rule. “Sure of what?”
Shane glanced down at her hand. “Sure that you really want me. Sure that you’re not going to push me away again.”
“Jesus Christ!” Cyn took a few steps back. Space was necessary if they were going to solve this with their clothes on. “Did you not hear what I said in the living room? I told you I love you. Do you not get that that means I’m sure?”
Shane blew out a breath and then sat on the bed. “Yeah, Cyn. I heard you. And yeah, that’s what it should mean, except with everything that happened with Carlos and you just now getting into therapy, I think giving things some time, giving yourself the time you need, is priority.”
“I can’t believe you’re doing this. Fucking hell, Shane. If you don’t love me then just say that. There’s no need to string me along—”
He stood in a rush and was in front of her before she’d even blinked. Jesus he was fast. “Make no mistake, Cynthia Donnelly. I am not stringing you along and I do love you, very much. So much I ache for you. Daily!” The last was said through gritted teeth.
Cyn’s nerve endings popped and tingled along every inch of her skin. Ignore it! “Then why the fuck are you doing this? If you love me, why would you send me away?” She shook her head and raised her arms out from her sides. “You know what? Forget it. I don’t want to know.”
“I’m not sending you away. Can’t you listen? For fuck’s sake, you never listen!”
“Now who’s yelling? Like I said, forget it. And PS, I don’t need to listen because we’re done with this conversation.” Cyn spun on her heel and headed for the front door. She was getting the hell out of there. There was nothing she could say to change Shane’s mind. He’d dug his heels in and so had she. Point for point. Tit for tat…and who got the last word was always the question of the day.
Shattered Heart: The Donnellys, Book 3 Page 32