3
My eyes flew open. It was the next morning and I was in my bed. I’d kicked the covers off in the night, and my body felt like it was on fire. I was so hot, and I knew I couldn’t blame it on the summer heat. Ever since Michael had revealed to me what he felt and what he wanted, he was all I could think about.
I still hadn’t come to a decision, but it didn’t seem to stop my body craving him. I knew it was wrong, he was much too young for me, but something about him called to me. I wanted him with every cell in my body, and that longing had turned into dreams of him. In my sleep he’d worshiped me with his lips, tongue and body. Even now, the memories of it made my longing for him that much stronger. Mixed with the desire was disappointment that it had only happened in my dreams and not in reality.
God, I was much too hot. I should get up and start my day, but I couldn’t get him out of my head yet.
I drew my nightgown off my hot flesh, and threw it to the side. The cool air in my bedroom did little to tame the fire inside me, and I knew that it was all Michael’s doing. Why did he have to be honest with me about his desire for me? Why couldn’t he have left me to my ignorant longings of him?
It would be so much easier for me to deny myself if I thought what I wanted to do with him was one-side, that he didn’t want me in the same way. Now that I knew the truth it was like he’d started a demand inside my body, one that cried out unmercifully for him.
As I lay in my bed, staring at my ceiling with thoughts of him cycling through my head, I knew that I was not going to be able to function unless I had some relief. I stroked my hands down my body, gliding over my sweat slick skin, imagining that it was not my hands on my body, but his. What would it be like for him to touch a woman whose body had nurtured two babies? I’m proud of my body, and did my best to keep a nice figure, but there was no denying that it was the body of a mother, not a young untried woman.
My hand slipped over the silky hair in my mound as I parted my legs. I was slick between my legs as the dreams and thoughts I’d had of him had prepared my body for his longed for invasion. I would have to be satisfied with the stroking of my own fingers, and I closed my eyes as I moistened the tips of my fingers with my juices.
My touch was soft and gentle at first as I imagined the slow build of my pleasure with Michael. In my mind, behind my closed eyes, I could see that it was his hand touching me. It was him that was caressing me between my legs, building with tension inside me with ever increasing strokes. The only sound in my room was my panting breaths and the occasional moan when I stoked myself in a particularly delicious way.
I rolled over onto my stomach, and came up on my knees with my hips in the air and my face buried in my pillow. God I wanted him so much, I wanted him behind me, pounding into my flesh and taking me to paradise. My strokes grew faster and hard as I felt the pleasure building inside me. My moans and cries of pleasure were muffled in my pillow, but it didn’t matter. I was alone in this big house, and I could scream my pleasure if I wanted to.
My flesh was dripping all over my fingers, and I didn’t think I’d ever been this wet before. It was his doing, as thoughts of Michael and his young body fucking me drove me deeper into my pleasure. The fantasy of having him, along with my furiously stroking fingers, sent me over the edge. I cried out into my pillow as my orgasm gripped my body and wouldn’t let it go until it had rung every ounce of pleasure possible from me.
I collapsed onto my bed, my mind gloriously blank as I floated in the aftermath. I rolled back onto my back, my heart rate slowed, and my sense returned. I realized that I may have brought myself physical relief but I’d failed to quench the desire for him. Even after bringing myself to orgasm, there was an empty feeling inside me that I knew could only be filled by him.
Dare I do it? Should I go against everything I’d been raised to believe, against the moral compass that had guided me every day of my life?
My husband had broken his vows to me a long time ago, and I’d remained loyal to him all these years. I didn’t regret my marriage to him because it had given me two beautiful daughters, My daughters were grown now, and I was alone. My husband didn’t care if I rotted in this house by myself, and I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to be lonely.
I knew that being with Michael had been inevitable since he’d revealed that my desire for him was reciprocated. Who would be hurt if we indulged in that desire? I couldn’t think of anyone, not even my husband, since he’d given up any say in what I did the moment he slipped into another woman’s bed. I had no intention of broadcasting the affair around the neighborhood, what happened would be between Michael and me. I just knew that I couldn’t on like this, with this empty ache inside me. I was also certain that once would be enough, and after one sexual encounter with him I could go back to my normal life.
It was later that morning and I found myself at the door at the back of my house, watching him. The only way I was ever going to get away from this spot, get on with what I needed to do was to give in to both my desire and his. I couldn’t think about anything but him, even my dreams were filled with him. I needed to get my normal life back and the only way I was going to do that was if I did what my body wanted to do, and have him.
When he’d arrived this morning he’d been respectful but cool, and I couldn’t blame him. He’d opened himself up to me, had shared something very personal about me and himself vulnerable. All I’d done was throw up road blocks to protect my own peace of mind, without thought of how it would feel for him. I’d rejected him, and I would be acting distant too if I was in his shoes.
He took that moment to look over at me, and unlike yesterday there was no flashing of white teeth, no wave when he noticed me watching. Had I ruined my chance with him? Now that I’d decided that I wanted to be with him, was that avenue no longer open to me?
There was only one way to find out, and I took a deep breath as I motioned for him to come over. I waited there, my pulse beating heavy in my veins as I watched the decision process he went through in the strong lines of his body and the look on his face. I sagged a little with relief when he set aside the hammer he was holding, and walked toward the house.
I clasped my hands in front of me, and the closer he got the tighter my fingers got. Was I going to do this? Was I going to sleep with another man for the first time in twenty-two years?
I knew as soon as he stood on the other side of the door the answer to my questions was yes. I was going to do this. I was going to sleep with someone other than my husband for the first time in my life.
I opened the door and swept out my arm. He stepped inside the house, and my mouth went dry for a moment. I still hadn’t gotten over how tall and broad he was, how compelling his eyes were when he focused them solely on me.
“What exactly is it that you want from me?” I wanted to know exactly what I was getting into before I told him that I’d made my decision.
I wasn’t going to blow up my life, and start all over again. If we did anything it had to be done discretely and it couldn’t go on for very long. I could only imagine the scandal that would race through the neighborhood if it became common knowledge that I was cheating on my husband with a man half my age.
“I want to be with you.” He took a step closer to me and I could smell his aftershave mingled with the sweat of the hot summer sun. If I had any notion of resisting him, it went up in smoke. My body was tightening in anticipation of his touch, and I longed to feel him on me, inside me, surrounding me with his broad, young body. “I want to touch you. I want to please you. I want to be inside you.”
He dipped his head and kissed me. I breathed him in as I tasted him, and I shivered when his broad palm came up to rest on one of my breasts. I needed to make a few things clear to him before I could do this. I needed him to know exactly what I was willing to do and how far I was willing to go.
I took a step back away from him and his hand fell away. Now that he was not touching me, now th
at my lips were free of his, my thoughts could penetrate the haze of desire he built inside me with only a kiss and a touch. If he could do this to me by doing so little, I was in so much trouble when he did more to me. That was why I needed to be clear about everything now, before I got to the point where I couldn’t think at all.
“I want you, I’m not going to deny that anymore. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m married, and being with you won’t change that. Anything we do will need to be done discretely because I can’t afford idle speculation and gossip. I’ll never be your girl, you’ll never be able to claim me in public and if that is something you are looking for, you won’t be able to find it with me.”
I bit my lower lip as I waited for him to respond. I wished for a moment that I was a woman of eighteen again, that I was free to walk down the street on the arm of this beautiful man. But the truth of the matter was I wasn’t, and no matter what we did in private, in public we would only be polite acquaintances.
“I want what you’re willing to give me. I want you, Grace. I’ve dreamed about your for years.”
“All I can promise you is one night. I can’t risk a long term affair. Things like this always come out if they carry on too long. If you are looking for more, I’m afraid I’ll have to disappoint you.” I needed to draw a line in the sand with him, more for my own protection. It would be so easy to slip into something longer term with him, and it would crush me if I found myself in love with him when I wasn’t free to give my heart to him. I was already on dangerous ground, since I was lonely and felt abandoned by my husband. I needed to be careful that loneliness didn’t make me vulnerable to wanting something that would never be within my grasp.
He stepped back up to me, and put his hands on my waist. His touch was gentle, and I knew that I could step away from him at any time and he would not hold me to him.
“I’ll take whatever you are willing to give me. I know that I’ll never be able to claim you as mine. If this is the only way I’ll get to fulfill the dreams and fantasies that I’ve had inside me for five years, I’ll take it. And if one night is all you can give me, I guess I’ll have to make it count.”
The deep rumble of his voice flowed over me, and I had to lock my knees to keep from melting in a puddle in front of him. I was doing this. I was going to sleep with him. A part of me wanted to do it now, to get it over with but I didn’t want to rush it. If this was going to be the one and only time I would break my marriage vows, I wanted to savor every moment.
“I’ve never done anything like this before. I went into my marriage bed a virgin, and the only man I’ve ever been with is my husband. If I’m going to be honest, I’m a little nervous.” I looked up at him, hesitant about showing my vulnerability. His face softened into a smile and he reached up to caress my cheek. I leaned against his palm a little, and willing put myself in his hands.
“I’m nervous too. This is something I’ve dreamed about and I don’t want to screw it up. If one night with you is all I’m going to get, I don’t want to rush it. I want to explore and savor every inch of you. So here is what I’m going to do. I’m going to go back outside and work on that shed. Then I’m going to go home, shower away this heat and I’ll be back tonight. Is that what you want?”
I nodded and some of the tension inside me eased. I knew I wanted him but I too wanted to prepare myself for him. This was a big step for me, and if it was only going to be for one night, I wanted it to be perfect.
“Okay then. I’ll get back to the shed and I’ll see you tonight.” He leaned forward and kissed me. My lips clung to his during that brief kiss and it was over much too soon for my liking. I told myself that there would be more kisses tonight. He turned and walked out of my house, and I stroked my fingers over my lower lip as I watched him get back to work. No matter what happened afterward, I knew that tonight was going to be a night I’d never forget.
4
Where was he? Michael had left to go home hours ago. I’d eaten what I could during my solitary dinner, but the anticipation of what was going to happen tonight had dampened my appetite for food. Now I paced around my home like a caged animal dying to be unleashed. Along with the heavy thrum of hunger for Michael in my blood, there was also a hesitation. Was I really going to do this?
When Michael was here with me, it was like I had no will of my own, and my desire for him was like a puppet master and I was the marionette dancing to its tune. When I was alone, and I could see clearly, the rational part of my brain question what I was doing. I was a respectable woman, I was married and despite the ill treatment I’d received from my husband with his numerous affairs, did I want to be as bad as him? I’d managed to get through the hurt that my husband caused me by telling myself that no matter what he did, I was still morally superior to him because I’d taken the high road and not stooped to his level. By taking Michael in my bed and my body, I could not longer claim, even to myself, that I was better than Earl.
It still wasn’t too late to change my mind. All the doubts about my attractiveness, all the insecurities about my forty year old body came flooding back. Michael wanted me because I was an unattainable dream to him, what happened when he saw the reality? Would he still want me then? My husband didn’t even make a show of being sexually attracted to me any more, and it had been years since I’d lain with a man. What if I took my clothes off in front of Michael and I saw disappointment in his eyes? If that I happened it would hurt me more than what Earl had put me through for so many years, because it would be proof that my unattractiveness was universal and not an anomaly with my husband only.
With my mind made up, I decided that I wasn’t going to do it. I couldn’t. I was too afraid.
It was at that moment that there was a soft knock on my front door, and the nerves I’d thus far managed to quell roared back to life. Oh God, he was here and I could feel the resolve I’d come to only a few seconds ago weakening. I had not mistaken the desire I’d seen in Michael’s eyes, and perhaps he did see something in me that my husband couldn’t.
I wiped my damp hands down the skirt of my dress and took a deep breath. I couldn’t make a decision either way about doing this tonight if I didn’t open the door. The knock came again. Michael was waiting and I couldn’t stand here, paralyzed by the conflicting emotions of what I wanted to do and what I was most afraid of.
With hurried steps I walked to my front door, turned the knob and pulled it open. There he was, the most beautiful young man I’d ever seen and I could see in his eyes that the desire he had for me had not waned in the slightest. And I knew, that despite my insecurities, despite my fear, that I was going to welcome him into my bed and body tonight.
I took a step back and he walked past me. He was dressed much more casually than I was, wearing only a pair of well fitting jeans and a cotton T-shirt that clung to the muscles of his upper body in the same way that I wanted to cling to him. I closed the door and leaned against it as I looked at him.
“I was worried there for a moment, when I had to knock twice, that you’d changed your mind about this. You haven’t, have you? Because if you have, you can tell me and it will be okay.”
I think he could not have said anything else that would have soothed my nerves quite as thoroughly. He was willing to walk away with no hard feelings if this wasn’t something that I wanted.
I stepped up to him and put my hand on his cotton covered chest and tilted my head back to look at him. I stroked my hand over his pectoral muscle and his eyes darkened as his pupils grew huge with his desire.
“I haven’t changed my mind.” I slid my hand up to his shoulder and down his arm until I reached his hand.
I clasped it in mine, and I led him away from my front door. He followed me with his hand swallowing mine as I led him through my house until I reached my bedroom. It had been over a year since I’d had a man inside here, and much longer still since I’d had a man inside my body. The nerves I had quelled stirred again, and I let go of his hand.
&nb
sp; If I was going to go through with this, I needed to be honest with him about how truly long it had been since I’d enjoyed the company of a man.
“I told you before that my husband is the only man I’ve ever been with, and I haven’t been intimate with him for years. My husband prefers the company of other women to me, and I have had no desire to bring another man into my bed. Until now.”
Michael stepped up close to me and stroked his index finger down my cheek as I drowned in the dark blue of his eyes. There was desire and understanding on his face. What little fear and nervousness that still lingered inside me was thoroughly quenched with how gentle he was being with me. I was going to enjoy this night, and I knew that I would have no regrets once it was over.
“I have two things to say. The first is that I’m glad that you’ve chosen me to take into your bed instead of someone else. And the second thing is, your husband is a fool who can’t see the treasure that he has here at home. I’m going to show you tonight that you are meant to be worshiped.”
He leaned down and kissed me. His lips were soft and gentle, and there was no rushing in his movements. His broad hands came around my back and pulled me toward him. My breasts felt so good pressed against the solid wall of his chest, and I put my arms around his neck as I clung to him and kissed him back. My hunger for him pulsed heavily through my veins and I knew that soon enough I wouldn’t be satisfied with mere kisses.
His hands drifted up my back until he found my zipper. He drew it down as his tongue worked its way into my mouth, distracting me from the insecurity that want to rear its head. The fabric of my dress opened, and he took a step back, separating our clinging lips.
I swallowed hard as he drew my dress forward so that the fabric drifted down off my body, exposing the lingerie I was wearing underneath. It was the best undergarments I owned and I was glad I’d chosen to wear them as his eyes appreciatively caressed the bits of flesh the satin and lace exposed.
A Wife Scorned: Complete Series Page 3