I collapsed down on the bed, and the weight of his much bigger body came down on top of me, pressing me into the mattress.
“I’m too heavy.” He murmured in my ear as he rolled off me and brought me back against him. He spooned me against him, like he had every night since he’d moved into the house. I couldn’t let myself fall asleep because no matter how much tonight felt the same, I couldn’t forget that everything had changed. My husband slept down the hall, and I could not keep my lover with me thorough the night. He would have to return to his bed before the night was over.
10
I snuggled back against Michael and sighed. He was insatiable tonight, as if he was afraid that if he didn’t have me as many times as he could, that he would never be able to have me again. The sweat was drying on my body after round three and I knew that he would need to go to his room soon. We were taking a chance with him crawling into my bed as it was. We couldn’t forget that we were not alone in the house.
“What was the sigh for?” His voice was a low rumble in my ear, and his arms tightened around me.
“It’s nothing.” We hadn’t really talked about Earl. Why did he have to come home now? Why did he have to wait until after my eyes had been opened to what it was to be truly desired by someone. If he’d come home before Michael had come into my life, I could have lived in ignorance of what that was like.
“That sigh didn’t sound like nothing. Tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll do what can to fix it.”
I smiled sadly, although he couldn’t see it with me facing away from him. That was Michael, so eager to please me, to make sure I was content. But unfortunately there were some things that even he couldn’t fix.
“I wish he hadn’t come home. I still don’t know why he’s here, but knowing him I’m sure it’s for some selfish reason known only to him. I wish things were like they were before he showed up. I wish you could spend all of the night in my bed, that you don’t have to leave me now. I can’t help but want it to be just you and me here.” I bit my tongue. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything, since there was nothing either of us could do about the situation we found ourselves in. Expressing my frustration at the situation might spur him to do something about it, and that was the last thing that could happen. As much as I could feel myself growing closer to him, as much as the possibility that I was starting to love him tickled at the back of my mind, I knew it would come to nothing. Earl stood between us, as if he was an insurmountable wall I had no way to climb over.
“You could leave him.” Michael’s voice was quiet behind me, and my body went cold. Surely he was joking. He had to be joking. Women like me didn’t leave their husbands, no matter what situation they found themselves in. I forced out a nervous laugh and tried to brush his comments away.
“At least you can keep your sense of humor through this.” I forced a cheerful tone in my voice and begged him inside my mind to go along with it. I was giving him a way to take it back before he said anymore. Surely he realized that my leaving my husband was a fantasy that neither of us could afford to indulge.
“I’m not joking, Grace. Your a wonderful woman, you deserve better than a man like him.”
Even before he had all the words out I was shaking my head. “Am I supposed to walk out the door and move in with you somewhere? Am I supposed to do to him what he’s been doing to me for years? Move in with someone younger than him and humiliate him every day with the knowledge that he is inadequate?”
I knew that of all people in the world who deserved such treatment it was Earl. But I couldn’t do it. There was more to this marriage than just Earl and his treatment of me. Apart from anything else he was the father of my children, and I could not to that to them. I could not make a laughing stock of my husband, because it would hurt my girls.
“I’m not suggesting that you move somewhere with me while you are still married to him. I’m suggesting that you divorce him. It’s not like he hasn’t give you reason enough. He’s been betraying you with other women for years.”
I stiffened against him as soon as the D word was out of his mouth. He might was well have suggested that I murder Earl as a solution to what we were facing, because I was no more capable of dragging my husband to court and airing every detail of our married life in public as I was of slitting his throat. I pulled away from him and his arm fell from my waist. I shivered as I turned over to face him and pulled the sheet tighter against me.
“It’s impossible, Michael.” I hoped this was the end of it. I didn’t want to discuss this again, because it was never going to be an option.
“Why not?” Michael’s voice was so low that I had to strain to hear him, and I knew he would not let this go unless I laid it all out for him. A divorce was never going to happen between me and Earl, and the sooner he realized that, the sooner we could get back to normal.
“You know how people look at me when I walk down the street, who they whisper about me behind their hands when I leave the market? Do you think once everything they’d ever thought about my marriage was true that they would go back to their lives? Women my age don’t get divorced. There is no way that Earl wouldn’t fight me on this, and unless I had a witness who would swear before a judge that he was committing adultery, a divorce wouldn’t happen. It’s an impossible dream Michael.”
In the dim light of the bedroom I saw the muscle in his jaw work, and I put my hand on his cheek. I didn’t want to hurt him, but he had to understand where I was coming from. For the first time since he’d shown up on my doorstep I felt every one of the twenty year age difference between us. I was at a different place in life, and while I wanted to be with him, I didn’t delude myself into thinking that this affair wouldn’t eventually burn itself out. I couldn’t resist destroying the rest of my life, even for him.
“Do you know what a divorce would mean for me? I would have to leave this town behind, where I’ve lived for decades, where I raised my children and volunteered to help members of my community. I’d have to start over. Do you know what that would be like for me? I’m forty years old. I got married at eighteen, I left my father’s house for my husband’s. I have my girls that I need to think about. I can’t thinking about leaving Earl, and I won’t.”
“So what is all this about with me? Why would you say you wish we could be alone together if you didn’t mean it?”
I sighed. For Michael everything was black and white. If I wanted to be with him I couldn’t possibly want to remain married to my husband. Unfortunately for me, there was so much gray in my life that it was not about my not wanting him. I had other people to think about, the stakes were higher for me. No matter how much I wanted him, and I did want him, I couldn’t walk away from the life I’d built over the past twenty-two years.
“It has nothing to do with me wanting you or not wanting you. Before we started this, I told you that just because I was with you didn’t mean that I was going to leave my husband. I never made any promises to you, I never said that we would be together and that I would divorce my husband. I’m sorry Michael, but I can’t.”
He was silent beside me, and I knew that he didn’t like what I’d said. Like it or not, it was the truth. Unless Earl did something horrendous, I was not going to leave him.
Michael pulled me close for a moment, kissed the top of my head and moved away from me. He got out of the bed, and the space beside me where he’d been seemed endless and empty now that he was going. He scooped his clothes off the floor and quietly left my bedroom.
I pulled the sheet around my like a shroud, and wished that I could be a different person. I wished I could be the type of person who didn’t care what other people thought, who didn’t care about being ostracized in my community. But I wasn’t that kind of woman. Even if I was, what would I do if I wasn’t married any more? Ask Michael to take care of me until he grew tired of me? The only job I’d ever had was that of a wife and a mother. I’d been trained for nothing else, and I was too old to start over. I wished it could b
e different, but that was the reality of my life. I wasn’t young like Michael. I wasn’t without attachments and couldn’t just pack up and decide to start over.
As I looked at the door Michael had walked out of I was certain that this was the beginning of the end for us. I was sure that I hadn’t heard the last of the divorce topic from him, and I knew that if he persisted I would have to end things with him. I couldn’t shatter my family for the sake of an affair, no matter how much I was starting to love him.
It was Saturday, four days since my husband had moved back in and three nights since Michael had been in my bed. My body missed him each night he wasn’t there, I ached for him. So many times I got out of my bed, with the intention of going to him, but I didn’t know if I would be welcome. Each morning when I got up I half expected him to have his bags packed, I expected to find that Gloria’s old room was back to the way it was before he moved in. There was a rift between us, and I didn’t know what I could say to fix it. I wasn’t going to make promise to him that I had no intention of keeping.
I went to the kitchen, expecting it to be empty, and Michael was there drinking a glass of water. My eyes devoured him. He’d made himself scarce over the past few days, and I’d hardly seen him. It made me realize just how attached to him I’d gotten since the start of our affair, and I knew that the only way it would end now would be if he grew tried of being the other man and left me for a woman who was free to give her heart to him. The thought of it made me sad, because I didn’t want it to end. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but that was a secret I would take with me to my grave. It would only give him false hope that our situation would some how change, and I couldn’t do that to him.
“How are you?” He wouldn’t look at me, and I wished I could turn the clock back. We were so happy together in our little fantasy world before Earl had come back to haunt me. The only consolation I had was that my husband wouldn’t be able to stay home for long. This was a cycle that had repeated itself many times over the course of our marriage. He would find another woman’s bed to warm and he would be out of my life once again.
“I miss you.” And I did. I missed him so much, and not only in my bed. With Michael I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be perfect, didn’t have to work to meet expectations that I would never achieve. I could tell him anything, could do anything with him and there would be no judgement in him. At least that was the way it was before my marriage had intruded. I wondered if he was judging me now for my refusal to cut myself loose from my husband. I hoped not.
“He asked me when I was going to move out.” I noticed that he didn’t say he missed me back, but that wasn’t important. Earl was bothered by having him here? I wondered for a moment why. Earl would not be able to keep his mouth shut if he knew that the reason he was confined to Beverly’s room was because I wanted to leave my bed available for Michael. He wouldn’t be able to keep quiet about what he would see as a slight against his ego. “Do you think he knows? About us? Could that be why he’s back here?”
“I doubt that very much. As far as my husband is concerned it wouldn’t happen. He doesn’t want me, and it would never occur to him that anyone else would either, especially a young, attractive man like you.” My husband thought very much the same way I had before I slept with Michael. I’m sure he thought I slept in my bed alone, not because I wasn’t tempted by Michael but because it wouldn’t occur to Earl that Michael might be tempted by me.
“How can he think that? How can he look at you and not see how desirable you are? If I was him, I would spend every night on my knees thanking God for giving me a woman like you. He doesn’t deserve you.” There was a look on his face that told me he truly didn’t understand what was wrong with my husband. The thought of how much Michael would cherish me if we were married both flattered me and made me sad. An affair was all we could ever have as long as I was fettered to Earl. “Why did you marry him in the first place?”
I’d asked myself that very question over the years and I figured out the answer a few years ago.
“He didn’t always take me for granted. You have to remember that I was younger than you are now when I married him. I was raised to be a good girl and my parents were very strict. I wasn’t allowed to go out on dates until I was seventeen and the only man I dated was Earl. I was innocent and naive, I thought that all the attention he lavished on me when he was courting me and in the early years we were married would last forever. I left my father’s home a virgin and I’ve never been with any other man except you. And things were good in the beginning, but it couldn’t last. Once my second daughter was born my husband had moved on. For a long time I thought that there was something wrong with me, but now that I’ve been with you and I can see myself clearly, I don’t think it would matter if I was the perfect wife, the perfect mother or as beautiful as a Hollywood starlet. I would not be enough for him.”
I looked away, and he took me by the arm and drew me to him. I rested my head against his chest and the steady beat of his heart made me think that we would get through this. This was only a blip and before too long Earl would be on his way again.
“My husband is a man who loves the chase. I don’t know why he’s here, but I know it’s not because of me. He’ll find another woman to climb on top of soon enough and we can go back to the way things were.” He was quiet and I looked up at him. He looked like he wanted to say something but was holding himself back. “What is it? I don’t want secrets between us so if you have something you want to say, say it.”
“What if I don’t want to go back to the way things were before?”
What was he saying? That he didn’t want to be with me any more and didn’t want to tell me.
I took a step back and hugged my arms around my middle. The only way I would know was if I asked and I plucked up my courage to do that. I’d hidden from a lot of hard truths over the years, I wasn’t going to hide from this too.
“Are you saying you want to end this?” I wouldn’t blame him if he did. He was young, he had so much life ahead of him. Why would he want to lock himself in with a woman who could promise nothing, who could give him nothing?
He reached up to cup my face and he looked directly into my eyes. “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m not like him Grace. You are more than enough for me. What I’m saying is I don’t want to go back to the way things were before. I want to move forward with you. I want to be able to walk down the street with you on my arm. I want to show you off, I want you to know how proud I am to have you with me.”
“You know that can’t happen.” Why was he bringing this up? I thought we had this settled. I tried to move away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. He brought his head forward so that this forehead rested against mine.
“I know it can’t happen.” His voice was a whisper over my skin. “It doesn’t stop me from wanting it. I need to know that if you had to chose between him or me, that you’d chose me. If he demanded that I leave, would you stand up to him and insist that I stay?”
I knew what he was asking, what he was afraid would happen. Michael wasn’t blind, he could see the way I tolerated my husband’s treatment of me. In his eyes, it seemed like a forgone conclusion that I would bow to my husband’s wishes, and that he would be removed from this house and my life.
“If he comes to you again, you tell him that he will have to speak to me. Don’t worry, you won’t be leaving this house as long as I want you here.”
Earl might make a few protests about Michael staying here, but there was little he could do. As long as he thought I would go to his boss and tell him just what sort of man he had working for him, he would not dare to cross me. I didn’t know if I would have the nerve to air our dirty linen to a man I respected as much as I did Phil, but it didn’t matter. As long as Earl believe it, I could continue to use it.
He leaned his head toward me, and my eyes drifted shut. He was going to kiss me, for the first time in what felt like forever. Our lips were only a frac
tion of an inch away when my husband’s voice called out to me from the front of the house.
Michael and I jumped away from each other like scalded cats, and I saw the muscle work in his jaw.
“Your husband is calling. You better see what he wants.”
Damn Earl anyway, but I knew that he would only come looking for me when I hadn’t jumped to his command so I went to where he was. He was dressed in a pair of khakis and a golf shirt, and was in the process of getting the keys to the car off the hook in the vestibule.
“You’re wasting you time, you know.” He looked over at me from the front of the house with that superior smirk that always crossed his face when he was ready to give me a put down and put me in my place.
“Oh and what am I supposed to be wasting my time at?”
“Fawning all over that boy. Your old enough to be his mother. I’m sure he’s only putting up with it because he needs a place to stay. I hope you are charging him a decent rent.”
If my husband had said these things to me even six months ago I would have been hurt, but I could now see this for what it was. My husband wanted to be the king of the castle, but since I’d stood up to him he probably felt that his position was being threatened. This was my punishment for having the nerve to refuse to let him back into our marital bed, even if he had no desire to be there. It was the principle. Little did he know that his hurtful words washed over me without making any sort of dent in the armor I now wore against him.
“Thank you for telling me. I don’t know what would do without you to advise me.” He looked at me, studying my face as if trying to see if I was being smart with him. I made sure my face was the picture of wifely innocence and his brow furrowed as he turned away. “Was there anything else you wanted, dear?”
A Wife Scorned: Complete Series Page 8