I got up off the floor and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was pale and there was a definite look of shell shock on my face.
I turned away. I had to put one foot in front of the other if I was going to do this. I had little sympathy for the woman Michael had brought here. If she’d known from the start that Earl was a married man then she’d gone into this with her eyes wide open. It was her baby that I felt sympathy for. It had not asked to be conceived, and was the only way I could have been compelled to give Earl a divorce.
While I had been raised to stand by my husband no matter what, the belief inside me that a child should have a father was stronger still. I could not make Earl turn into a responsible man, but I could at least take away one of his excuses for not doing so.
I walked back to the living room and picked up the phone receiver. If this was going to happen I could not stay in this town. And there were other people, while not directly involved, who had a stake in the dissolution of my marriage and I needed to prepare them for it. I dialed Gloria’s number, and waited for her to come on the line.
“Hi honey.” I tried my best to force a smile on my face so that it would come through in my voice. I was not prepared to tell my daughter what was happening over the phone. This situation was something that needed to be shared in person. “I’m just calling to tell you that I’m going to come see you.”
There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “What’s wrong?”
I should have known that I could hide nothing from my perceptive older daughter. I was close to both my girls and that closeness made it difficult for me to hide anything from them. But I couldn’t get into this over the phone. It was hard enough to keep from breaking down upon hearing the concern in her voice. I had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, on doing one action and following it with another.
“I don’t want to get into it over the phone.” There was a slight trembled in my voice as a lump clogged my throat. I cleared it and pushed ahead. “I’ll tell you when I get there, but I wanted to let you know that I was coming.”
I didn’t know how much my daughter would be able to piece together but she didn’t press me. “I’ll look forward to seeing you when you get here. When were you planning on leaving?”
“As soon as I pack. I should get on that now.” It was going to take hours by train to get to her, and I wanted to be well away from this house before Earl came home. I wasn’t sure that the resentment inside my would keep me from doing him harm, and I didn't want to find out.
“I’ll be waiting for you. I love you, Mom.”
A sob caught me by surprise and I clenched my hand around the receiver. I swallowed hard and slowly pushed out a breath. “I love you too, darling.”
I put the receiver back in its place and clenched my hands together in my lap. I needed to pull myself together. I didn’t have the luxury of falling apart, and with a reserve of strength I didn’t know I possessed I forced myself to my feet to go to my room and pack.
My suitcase was almost full when I heard the front door open. I knew it was Michael returning, and my lips tightened. I had hoped to be gone before he came back because while most of my anger was directed at my husband there was still some inside me that was reserved for him.
“Grace?” He called to me and I didn’t bother to answer. I focused on the taske at hand as I put the last of my things in my suitcase. I brought the lid down and snapped it shut.
I picked it up off the bed and walked out of my bedroom door. My stomach churned as I walked closer to the front of the house, where my lover was. How could he have done this to me? How could he have forced me to do what I feared most in the world?
When I came into view, his eyes darted from my face to my suitcase.
“You’re leaving?” There was surprise in his voice and a bitter laugh escaped me when I heard it.
“What did you think would happen, Michael? That I’d divorce my husband and we’d stay here all nice and cozy in this house? I can’t stay here anymore, you’ve made sure of that.” I clamped my mouth shut before any more bitterness spilled like venom from my lips.
“I did this for you. You have to understand that I didn’t do it to hurt you, I wanted you to see how wrong he is for you.”
I slowly set my suitcase down and looked him dead in the eye.
“No Michael, you did not do this for me. You did this for yourself. I told you that I couldn’t divorce my husband. When this all started I told you what you could expect and what you could not. I never lied to you, I never led you to believe that this would be more than an affair. When you came to my bed the first time it was in agreement to the rules of this game. You can’t change them now.”
“I know you’re angry now, but you’ll see. Once this is all over, you’ll see that it is for the best. You’ll finally be free of him and his poison. You don’t have to leave.”
I shook my head. He didn’t understand. He could not put himself in my shoes and understand the position he’d put me in. I knew there was no malice in him, that he’d not done this out of some need to hurt me. In all honesty I was certain that he thought he was doing what was best for me. He didn’t realize just how much he’d destroyed my life.
“I have to leave Michael. I will be shunned in this town because I will be a potent reminder to every woman here that this could happen to them. Every time their husband comes home late, every time they have to turn a blind eye to what he does, I will be a potent reminder of just how far from perfect their lives are and they will hate me for it.”
He stepped closer to me and raised his hand to touch my face. I dodged away from him. I couldn’t let him touch me right now. I need to walk away from him and I could only do it if he didn’t touch me.
I picked up my suitcase and tucked my purse under my arm. I couldn’t worry about him any more. I had to focus on myself and my girls. This was going to be the hardest thing we would have to face and I had to think about them now.
“When will I see you again?” There was an edge of desperation in his voice as he spoke from behind me. I paused and looked back at him. In that moment I could see how young he was, how ill prepared he was to have an affair with a woman who would never be his. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him never, even if I feared that it was the truth.
“I don’t know, Michael.” I turned away from him and walked toward the door. I reached out and grasped the knob.
“Grace please, don’t leave.” There was a plea in his voice that it killed me to hear. I stiffened my resolve, turned the knob and walked out of the home that had been mine for the past twenty-two years.
13
July 16, 1959
I hitched my purse onto my shoulder and walked out of the door of the flower shop where I worked. A smile spread across my face as as a light breeze cooled the heat of the late afternoon sun on my face. Cars were rushing past me as the other residents of the city I’d settled made their way home. There was no need for me to join them on the road, and in fact, I didn’t even own a car. I lived within walking distance of where I worked, and the quiet residential neighborhood I lived in had everything I could need.
I was now forty-one years old, divorced and living on my own. I’d stay with Gloria for the first few months after leaving Earl, and although she insisted it was no trouble, once I’d decided that I was never going back to my hometown, I’d found a small furnished apartment a block away from her. At first I was scared to be on my own. It was sad to realize at the age of forty that I’d never truly live anywhere by myself. I’d gone from my father’s house to my husband’s, but with my daughter’s encouragement I’d taken the plunge and it was a truly liberating experience.
I’d come so far since I’d packed my bags at the end of last summer. Sometimes it seemed like a dream I was bound to wake from. My steps slowed as I looked around me. People passed me on the sidewalk, and other than the occasional friendly smile and the tip of a gentleman’s hat, they ignored me. I was anonymous
here, and it was a relief after spending most of my married like under scrutiny over Earl’s behavior.
I truly felt free for the first time in my life. I had an apartment of my own, a job that I loved which made me feel useful for more than just being a housewife. If the nights were a little lonely by myself in my apartment’s double bed, it was worth it to be free of the soul crushing experience that my marriage had become over the last few years of its life.
It was more than a little vindicating to know that Earl had needed me far more than I needed him. The last I’d heard his boss had fired him and he’d had to find what he could for work. He’d married his mistress, but Beverly had told me that there was trouble in paradise for her father because another woman had come forward claiming pregnancy. I shoved him from my mind because thankfully Earl was no longer my problem.
My smile widened at how truly wonderful it felt to be free of my toxic ex husband, and from somewhere ahead and to the left of me a wolf whistle rang out. A blush crept up my cheeks and I hurried my steps as I neared my apartment building. It was a four story, red brick building, nothing fancy to look at but inside was the first place in the world that I could truly call mine. There was a park across the street where I took my two year old grandson to play, or where I sat in the shade and just enjoyed the scenery around me.
I opened the front door of my building, and the heat inside hit me. One thing I couldn’t get used to was how hot it got here in the city compared to where I’d lived in the suburbs. Fortunately my apartment faced the green space at the side of the building and there was a nice breeze that came through, keeping it relatively comfortable. I only needed to walk up three flights of stairs to get there. I took a deep breath and started my trudge.
Sweat beaded my forehead by the time I got to the top, and I was looking forward to a cool shower before I made myself a solitary dinner. I should be used to being alone, since before Michael had moved in, I’d spent all my nights alone after my girls had moved on.
I shook my head at the thought of Michael. I couldn’t think about him. Even after almost a year without him, it was still painful to see him in my mind’s eye. I hadn’t seen him since I’d walked away from him, and while I told myself it was for the best, resentment had burned inside me for a long time. He’d upset the delicate apple cart that was my marriage and hadn’t even stuck around to see the aftermath of what he’d done.
My smile faded away as I opened the door that emptied out into the hallway. Michael was my past, and no amount of thinking about him would bring him back into my life. I told myself that I was happy with the way things were, and shoved him out of my head.
My head was bent as I made my way down the hall toward my apartment door at the end. I rummaged through my purse for my keys and a familiar scent came to me that stopped me in my tracks. I really needed to stop thinking about him, because now I was starting to hallucinate about smelling his cologne.
I wrapped my fingers around my keys and pulled them from my purse. I looked up and shock washed a cold chill over my body. I hadn’t been imagining the smell of his cologne, because beside my apartment door, leaning against the wall in a form fitting cotton T-shirt and a pair of jeans was Michael.
“Hello Grace.”
I squeezed my hand around my key ring, and the metal bit into my palm. This was impossible, he couldn’t be here. Just when I was moving forward with my life, just when the loneliness of missing him was starting to get bearable, here he was looking like the last time I’d seen him.
“Please say something.” He took a step toward me, his hand raised in entreaty and I raised my purse in front of me like a shield. He was my one weakness, and I needed to be strong. I didn’t know why he was here, and until I did, I couldn’t let him touch me. He’d hurt me by going behind my back, by digging up the truly ugly side of my marriage and I felt the sting of it even now.
“How did you find me?”
“Gloria.” He moved back, and his hand slowly fell to his side. I could see hurt deep in his eyes, but what did he expect from me? That I’d run into his arms as if nothing had happened? “I called her and she told me where you were.”
Of course she did. I had no secrets from my daughter, and in the worst hell of those few months after I left her father I’d told her everything. I’d expected to see harsh judgment from her but all that there had been in my daughter’s eyes was compassion for me as I spilled out my heart and my tears on her shoulder. I was surprised that she had told him where I was, but perhaps Gloria thought I needed to tie up the one last loose thread that lingered from the worst chapter of my life.
“Michael, I don’t know that this is a good idea. You’ve seen me, you know that I’m alright and we can both move on.” After seeing him again I didn’t know if would be as easy as I made it seem. The desire I’d felt for him for months wasn’t dead, it had only lain dormant during our separation. Did I really want to start up with him again? Especially now when I was finally coming into my own and living my own life for the first time in my life.
“Please Grace. I only want to talk.” He looked so sincere that I sighed. I was going to let him in, but talking was all that was going to happen.
“I guess you better come in.”
I went by him, ignoring the spark of electricity that went through me as the side of my arm brushed his. This was such a bad idea, because I knew that it was going to take all my willpower to resist him. I didn’t know if I was ready to forgive him for what he’d done. Everything had turned out well in the end and I’d come out of the experience a stronger person, but he hadn’t known at the time that I would.
I unlocked the door and opened it. He followed me inside, and I set my keys and purse on the table beside my front door. The door opened directly onto the living room of my apartment, and I didn’t invite him to sit down.
“Why did you do it?” I turned to him and asked him what I’d wanted to know for close to ten months. “After I told you how I felt about divorcing Earl, after everything we went through together, how could you go behind my back and force me into a situation that I didn’t want to be in?”
I expected him to be defensive, to makes statements about how everything had turned out alright in the end and what was the big deal? That was how my ex husband would have operated, but he didn’t do that.
“Because I was selfish. I loved you and wanted to be with you. I wanted to walk down the street and claim you as my woman. I didn’t think about what it would do to you, I only thought about what I wanted. I fancied myself as a knight in shining armor, that I was saving you, even though you never asked to be saved. Part of the reason I’m here is because I wanted to tell you how deeply sorry I am for what I did. In the months that we’ve been separated I’ve had time to reflect, and I know that I didn’t do what I did for you, I did it for me. I hope you can forgive me for putting you through everything you went through over the past ten months.”
“How do you know all of what I’ve been through?” How could he really know what I’d gone through in the months leading up to my divorce? I had to go back to my old home once I found my apartment, to get some of my more personal objects and if Gloria and her husband hadn’t been with me when I’d done it, I would have turned and left at the first hateful stare. It seemed like every woman in my neighborhood had come out to look at me with scorn, and by the time we were in the car on our way back to the apartment I couldn’t stop crying.
“Gloria told me. She gave me quite an earful, and even if I hadn’t already realized how selfish I’d been, what she had to say would have done it. All I can say is sorry, Grace. If I could bleed for you, I would. I don’t know what I can do to make up for what you’ve gone through. I can only hope that you can forgive me.”
I looked at him and all I could see in his eyes was sincerity and remorse. Although what he’d done was selfish and put me through hell, enough time had passed that I could see that see the situation much more clearly. There had been no malice behind what he’d do
ne. What he’d done, he’d done because he loved me. My spirit had been slowly dying inside the cage my marriage had become, and by forcing me to face the fear of leaving Earl, Michael had freed me. He’d save me and I’d become a stronger woman because of it. I knew my worth now, and I wouldn’t make the mistake of ever forgetting it again.
“I forgive you. I know there was no malice in what you did, and although I couldn’t do it at the time, I can even thank you for doing it. I needed something to push me out of that marriage, it was slowly destroying me and I shudder to think of where I’d be now if I still there wasting away in that house.”
He rushed forward and took my hands. I didn’t pull away from him and I tilted my head back to look up at him. I had missed him but I knew why he’d stayed away. It would have been so much worse for me if he’d been in my life because it would only draw more attention to me. I needed to learn to stand on my own and I couldn’t have done it if I’d replaced one man in my life with another.
“Do you mean it? You really forgive me?”
“Yes. You said that apologizing was part of the reason you were here. What was the other reason?” I had no idea what to expect from him. Did he want to start the affair again? A part of me grew excited at the thought. Michael had awakened an insatiable desire for him and it flared to life inside me. I’d been alone since I’d walked out of my house and I missed the feel of his body.
“I came here to tell you that I still love you. I want you to marry me, Grace.”
14
I slowly pulled my hands from his. It was one thing for him to come here looking for forgiveness but what he was asking of me was impossible. My marriage may no longer be an obstacle between us, but that still didn’t change the fact that he was so much younger than me. I’d managed to get over that when it came time to have an affair, but an affair was not something the world could see.
A Wife Scorned: Complete Series Page 10