by H. Y. Hanna
Leah tried to conceal her dismay at the dormitory arrangement and lack of privacy. Even at university, she hadn’t had to share personal space like this! Still, she told herself, hopefully it would mean that she could speak to Angela more easily later if they were all sleeping in the same room.
“Where are the bathrooms?” she asked.
“They’re in the next hut,” said Crystal. “Because of water rationing, you can only shower once a day. But you’re allowed to have a sponge bath if things get really hot and sticky.”
“Great,” said Leah without enthusiasm. She put her bag down on the bed. “Well, I guess I’ll unpack a bit and—”
“There’s a Harmony and Balance session starting now,” said Crystal, glancing at her watch. “I’ll escort you over. It’ll be a great way for you to get a feel for life at the retreat.”
Leah looked at her own watch and was surprised to see that it was nearly eleven. Where had the morning gone? She really just wanted to be left alone for a while, but she couldn’t think of a way to refuse the blonde woman’s offer without looking rude. So she contented herself with quickly unpacking her bag and putting the few clothes she had brought into the miniature chest of drawers next to the bed. Then she picked up her mobile and turned back to Crystal, who had been waiting patiently.
Leah saw the other woman’s eyes drop to the mobile and her fingers tightened around the phone. Would they confiscate it? I’m not going to let them cut off communications and isolate me, Leah thought fiercely. She braced herself, preparing to put up a fight, but to her surprise, the blonde woman simply smiled and said, “I’ve got that model as well. It’s a great phone, isn’t it?”
“Um… uh… yeah, it is,” Leah stammered.
“You may find that the reception is not great here on the island,” said Crystal, as she led the way out of the dorm. “Of course, most of our members opt to ‘unplug’ during their time here and take a break from technology—you may find it very beneficial.”
“Uh… I’ll think about it,” said Leah, as she followed Crystal across the courtyard. She glanced down at the phone and surreptitiously sent a brief text message to Toran, saying that she had arrived and was in the retreat. Then she slipped the phone into her shorts pocket as she entered a medium-sized hut. Inside, a group of women were sitting in a circle around an older lady who was holding a lit candle in her hands. The lit candle gave off a light, vanilla fragrance. Everyone had their legs crossed in the lotus position.
Feeling a bit self-conscious, Leah dropped down next to the nearest woman and crossed her legs as well. She copied the others in placing her hands on her knees, thumb and forefinger touching, and dipped her chin to her chest. Crystal had sat down next to her and now started a soft humming. The other women joined in.
“Ommmmmmmm…”
Leah peeked around. Most of the women had their eyes shut, their lips pressed together as they hummed. She saw the lady in the centre of the circle nod at her and smile encouragingly, obviously expecting her to join in. Leah hesitated, then opened her mouth and started humming, feeling slightly silly.
The soft rhythm of humming was suddenly interrupted by a loud beep. Leah jumped. Shit. Her phone. She glanced up to see all the women looking at her accusingly. The lady with the candle frowned.
“Sorry, sorry,” Leah muttered. Flushing, she dug her phone out of her pocket. It was a reply from Toran. Quickly, she texted back: “Omming in yoga class. Talk later” and pushed the phone back into her pocket.
For the next hour, Leah had to concentrate hard as she followed the others through Warrior poses, Downward-Facing Dogs, Balancing Trees, and Crescent Moons. She had done a couple of yoga classes before, but obviously not enough, if her quivering muscles and aching hamstrings were anything to go by. If nothing else, she was going to be a lot bendier by the time she left the retreat, thought Leah wryly as she finally relaxed from the last pose and got gratefully to her feet.
“We’ll be having lunch now,” said Crystal, straightening her sarong skirt. “I’ll show you to the Dining Hall.”
Leah’s stomach rumbled in anticipation. She hadn’t been able to eat much that morning and the workout she had just done had definitely woken up her appetite. She followed Crystal eagerly to another large, rectangular dwelling. This one had rush matting covering the floor and a series of low tables joined end to end, so that they formed a long, continuous bench which ran down the length of the room. Women were kneeling or sitting cross-legged on the floor, on either side of the tables. Leah followed Crystal’s example in taking her shoes off in the foyer and placing them into a cubbyhole, then padded barefoot towards the tables. The rush mats felt cool and smooth under her feet.
Leah paused by the tables and quickly scanned the room, looking for Angela. She couldn’t see Toran’s ex-fiancée, but some of the places at the tables were still empty so she assumed that some members might be coming late. She was just about to bend down and take her place at the table when she felt Crystal’s hand on her elbow again.
“You must change before you eat.”
“Oh, I’m fine in my own clothes,” said Leah.
Crystal’s smile was as dazzling as ever, but there was a steely edge to it now. “Members of the retreat are expected to wear our sarong kebaya. It is the most comfortable clothing for this tropical climate and will also help to ease your transition into our sisterhood. The clothes you wear on a daily basis send an unconscious message to your mind, body, and spirit.” She gestured to a counter at the side of the room. “I’ve prepared a set for you. You can change behind that screen there. Leave your own clothes on the stool there—you can pick them up after lunch.”
Leah suppressed a flash of annoyance. But she did need to blend in with the others and act like a genuine member of the retreat, she reminded herself. Just humour them. Turning, she walked over to the counter and picked up the neatly folded pile of lavender fabric. She went behind the bamboo screen in the corner of the room and quickly took off her T-shirt and shorts, then put on the traditional outfit.
She had to admit that it did feel loose and comfortable, and the three-quarter length sleeves and long skirt protected her bare skin better from mosquitoes. There were no pockets so she left her phone in her shorts, folded her old clothes into a pile and placed it on the stool. Then she stepped out from behind the screen, smoothing her sarong skirt down.
“Ah, I’m glad I got the size right,” said Crystal, looking at her approvingly. “It suits you.”
“Thanks,” said Leah, walking back to the table. She caught sight of a mirror along the far wall of the dining hall and was startled to see that she could barely recognise herself in the sea of lavender sarong costumes.
Back at the tables, Leah was relieved that Crystal had moved away and taken a seat at the top end. Leah sat down at the nearest empty space on the tables and found herself next to the shy, young girl she had seen earlier.
“Hi, I’m Leah.” She smiled at the girl.
For a minute, she thought the girl wasn’t going to answer, then she saw the girl’s eyes dart up to meet hers and a tiny voice whispered, “I’m Fay.”
Before Leah could say more, the food began to arrive. She was served a plate heaped with nasi goreng, traditional Indonesian fried rice flavoured with sweet soy sauce, garlic, shallots, tamarind, and chilli, and accompanied by big, juicy grilled prawns and sliced cucumbers. She picked up her fork and was just about to make a jokey comment to Fay about retreat food when she realised that the girl had a completely different dish in front of her. A simple bowl of watery, grey gruel that looked as unappetising as it was probably unfulfilling. Glancing around, Leah saw that the other women seated around her had similar bowls in front of them. They were all eyeing her plate enviously. She looked up and down the rest of the tables. Most of the women had bowls of gruel, but a few, like her, had plates heaped with food. She noticed that Crystal was one of those.
“Why are you eating something different?” Leah asked Fay in an unde
rtone.
The other girl ducked her head, quickly picking up her spoon. “We’re having our optimal diet. Our bodies are our temples and it’s important for us to nourish it properly. This is one of the things that Sanctum Bona Dea provides—it helps us heal our relationship with food, through goddess-centred eating. It’s the best way for us to cleanse and detox our bodies.”
Leah stared at Fay, wondering if she was joking. But the other girl’s face was perfectly serious. And now that she was looking properly at the girl, Leah noticed again how thin Fay was. In fact, most of the women in the room had a strained, hungry look.
Leah felt a burst of anger. “I think it’s ridiculous that you’re prevented from eating normal food. I’m sure you can detox your bodies or whatever while still eating healthily. I mean, surely that can’t be enough?” She pointed to the bowl.
Fay shifted uncomfortably. “You do get a bit hungry sometimes, but… the Matronae says sacrifice and denial are necessary for empowerment.” Fay’s stomach growled suddenly, loudly. The girl clutched her abdomen and flushed in humiliation.
“Would you like some of mine?” Leah offered, tilting her plate.
“Oh no,” Fay gasped, although her eyes darted longingly to the food. “I couldn’t. It would undo all the good work I’ve done. I definitely look so much better now than when I arrived—I was so fat then! It was no wonder that the modelling agency rejected me. But since I’ve been here, I’ve lost so much weight and my cheekbones are so much more prominent now and I just need to stick at it, lose a bit more—”
“You don’t need to lose any more weight!” said Leah, scandalised. “You’re already model-thin.”
“No, no,” said Fay. “You don’t understand. It’s really competitive and the other girls I saw at the agency were so thin. I just won’t have a chance if I’m not slimmer than they are. I was so depressed when I couldn’t get in—all I ever wanted was to be a model—I felt like I was a complete failure.” She smiled. “But then I found Sanctum Bona Dea and the Matronae showed me that if I follow the way of the goddess, I can become one myself!”
Leah fought the urge to roll her eyes. She looked around the tables. They all looked like intelligent, independent women—were they all falling for this nonsense? She couldn’t believe it. Sure, she would have liked to lose a few pounds too—which woman didn’t? But this seemed a bit extreme.
“Why do some of us get a different meal?” she asked.
Fay licked her lips. “The Matronae says every woman is on a different journey. We all have different needs. So our diets can vary hugely and we shouldn’t compare. And also sometimes… well, some of us are rewarded for services to the goddess, with special meal privileges.”
“Services?” Leah raised her eyebrows.
Fay nodded. “Like what Crystal does—risking her well-being to stay out in the hostile world and help others find their way to Sanctum Bona Dea. Or… if you help other members to stay on the right path by reporting them, when you see them succumbing to temptation or toxic thoughts. Of course, the biggest honour is to be chosen to take part in Ovum Messis.”
“In what?”
“I don’t know what it involves, exactly,” said Fay wistfully. “I’ve never been chosen. It’s a sacred duty to the goddess and those who are chosen aren’t allowed to speak about it. But I keep hoping that if I’m really good, then one day soon, I might be chosen too.” She turned to her bowl and resolutely started eating.
Uncomfortably, Leah turned back to her own plate. She felt embarrassed eating all this food now, in front of the others. She took a few mouthfuls of the fried rice. It was good, the rich flavours filling her mouth. She glanced up to see one of the other women watching her, with something like desperation in her dark eyes. Leah swallowed. The rice felt like a lump lodged in her throat now. She dropped her head, kept her eyes down, and tried to eat as fast as possible.
It was one of the worst meals she ever had, despite the delicious flavour of the food. And to add to her frustration, there was no sign of Angela. Leah craned her neck, leaning forwards and backwards in her seat to check all the places along the table, but she couldn’t see Toran’s ex-fiancée anywhere. Where was she? Leah wondered.
As Leah was finishing, she glanced at Fay again. The girl had long finished her bowl of gruel and had been sitting quietly, eyes averted. But they both heard her stomach growl again.
Leah looked quickly up the table, then picked up her last prawn and slid it into Fay’s bowl. “Here… take it.”
The girl’s eyes rounded and a mix of emotions crossed her face. She sent a furtive glance around, hesitated, then grabbed the prawn and stuffed it into her mouth. She closed her eyes in bliss as she chewed. Leah wondered when the poor girl had last eaten any meat or other proper protein.
“Enjoying the food?”
Leah jumped and Fay choked beside her. Quickly schooling her face into a neutral mask, Leah turned in her seat to see Crystal standing behind them. Fay was still coughing and spluttering next to her and Leah hoped the blonde woman hadn’t seen the prawn. She wasn’t worried about herself, but she didn’t want to get the younger girl in trouble.
“Yes, it was great.” Leah tried a sunny smile. “I haven’t had nasi goreng for a long time. It’s hard to find it in London.”
“I was wondering if you’d like me to show you around the compound after lunch?” Crystal asked.
“Uh… yeah, sure.” Leah got up from the table. “Let me just get my clothes—I can drop them back at the dorm on the way.”
She went behind the screen and grabbed her pile of clothes from the stool. Would Toran have texted again? Leah wondered, smiling as she thought of his reaction to her message about the yoga class. She slid her hands into her clothes, then her heart jerked as she realised that her pocket was empty. Quickly, she groped through the rest of her clothing, then dropped to her knees, searching the floor around the stool in case the phone had fallen out of the pocket. Nothing.
“Are you all right, Miss Fisher?” Crystal stood smiling behind her.
“Where’s my phone?” demanded Leah, standing up again.
“Ah, yes, your phone… I’m afraid I had to remove it,” said Crystal.
“You what?”
Crystal smiled. “Based on my observation, it seems that you are having trouble letting go of your old life. Your dependency on technology could be disruptive to both your own recovery and the peaceful aura of other members. So I have removed your phone for the time being. Don’t worry—it will be safe. It’s locked up in our office.”
Leah felt a surge of panic. “I want my phone back.”
Crystal made a tsk-tsk sound and shook her head. “You must learn to control your urges and overcome your weaknesses. That is the first step to achieving proper mind-body harmony and finding the way to your own inner goddess.”
“Stuff my inner goddess,” snapped Leah. “I want my phone.”
Crystal raised her eyebrows. “Are you saying that you would like to leave the retreat, Miss Fisher? Because I’m afraid that would be the only circumstance in which I could give your phone back. While you are staying here, you have to follow our rules. Trust me, you will see: it’s really for your own benefit.” Her smile stayed in place, but her voice hardened. “However, if you insist, then I’ll return your phone, but you must leave the retreat immediately… and you will never be allowed to return to Sanctum Bona Dea again. Acceptance into the retreat is not a privilege given lightly and, once retracted, will not be offered again.”
Leah bit back the angry retort that rose to her lips. She hadn’t found Angela yet, she reminded herself. To get kicked out of the retreat now would defeat the whole purpose of coming here. And what did it really matter if she didn’t have her phone for a day or two? Yes, she couldn’t communicate with Toran, but she could surely handle a bit of watery oatmeal and humming in yoga class, without needing him to hold her hand by 3G!
Leah gritted her teeth and plastered a smile on her face. “No, th
at’s fine. I’ll leave the phone with you for the time being.”
Crystal beamed. “Excellent. And now—I came to tell you that there’s been a change of plan. We’re all going to take part in a guided meditation session, straight after lunch.” Her eyes gleamed. “I’m sure you’d like to join us.”
CHAPTER 16
It had taken Toran all day to track down the address. He stood outside the small condominium in Bukit Batok, a residential suburb in west Singapore, and mentally prepared what he was going to say. Even after an extensive career of asking hard questions as an investigative journalist, forcing a grieving family to relive their worst nightmare still didn’t sit easy with him.
Toran strode up to the front entrance and pressed the bell for the apartment number scribbled on the scrap of paper he held in his hand. As he waited for an answer, his thoughts drifted to Leah and he frowned. He hadn’t heard from her again since that strange message this morning about the yoga class. It had been amusing at the time, but now he felt a flicker of worry. He knew he couldn’t expect her to give him hourly updates. Still, something bothered him, like that faintly itchy tag on the back of your shirt—the one that wasn’t enough to make you change yet had you irritably scratching it from time to time.
He shrugged thoughts of Leah away and pressed the bell again. This time, a disembodied voice answered the telecom and, a minute later, he was buzzed into the building. When he stepped out of the lift on the seventh floor, he found Mr and Mrs Gopal already standing in their doorway, waiting for him.
“Thank you for agreeing to see me. I know this must be very difficult for you,” Toran said as he sat down in the simple, neat living room.
The couple sat down on the sofa opposite him. Mrs Gopal was a small woman in a faded sari, with hair pulled back in a long braid. Her eyes looked red and weepy, but Mr Gopal had the fire of anger in his eyes.
“If you are going to expose that witch and her cult, I will do everything I can do help you!” Mr Gopal said, jutting his chin out.