by Sandy James
“It’s not so bad, Maddie.”
One look around the condo told me Eli wasn’t a very good liar. “It’s a fucking disaster. I’m glad we left Cleo at the kennel. Poor dog doesn’t need to see her home like this.” I sure as hell wished I hadn’t.
“Careful!” Eli tossed me a lopsided grin. “Scott would scold you for droppin’ that F-bomb.”
Even hearing Scott’s name almost reduced me to tears. I wasn’t sure I’d ever stop feeling as if I wanted to cry. “Yeah? Well, he’s not here, is he?” And I felt his absence all the way to my soul.
Eli’s stern expression looked so much like the kind Terri used, I almost smiled. I just couldn’t find a single smile inside me. Anywhere. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to smile again.
“You know,” he said, “all you’ve gotta do is apologize. He’d understand.”
Such a simple statement; such a difficult action. Coming to terms with Scott’s profession wasn’t going to be easy. Not that my decision would even matter. I’d handed him his walking papers, and he’d reluctantly accepted them. An apology, no matter how earnest I tried to be, wasn’t going to cut it. I wasn’t sure I could tender one anyway because it sure wouldn’t sound sincere. There was still too much for me to sort out in my own mind, and I was sure Scott was plenty angry at me for a ton of his own reasons. Nope, an “I’m sorry” wouldn’t even come close to fixing this shattered relationship. “I just…can’t, Eli. I need some time.”
My son’s disappointment was palpable. I hadn’t realized he’d grown so attached to Scott, but then again, they’d had time to bond. Over some games of pool. At the juvenile detention center.
“Let’s just get to work,” he finally said. With a grunt, he hefted my overturned La-Z-Boy back upright. It was hard not to chuckle when he tried to shove the white stuffing back inside the ripped cushion and all it did was pop right back out.
We had a hell of a lot of work ahead of us.
Without another word, Eli walked over to my kitchen and started opening and closing drawers. Since we’d already eaten, I didn’t figure he was hungry. But then again, he was a teenage boy. Weren’t they always hungry?
“Whatcha looking for?” I finally asked.
No reply, but he slammed one last drawer shut and came striding back into the living room. With a loud rip, he pulled a long section of silver duct tape off a roll and grinned. “Duct tape fixes everything.”
I found my first laugh that day.
While Eli tried to piece back together the recliner, I turned my attention to the destroyed computer. Reverently kneeling down next to what was left of my beloved laptop, I kept wishing that, if only I didn’t touch it, none of this would be real. The zip of more duct tape being ripped from the roll sobered me. “You’re wrong, Eli. Duct tape can’t fix this.”
His heavy sigh hung in the air. “I’m really sorry about your computer.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” With a resigned groan, I gathered the twisted mess into my arms, carried it across the room, and dropped it on my empty desktop.
“I’ll bet you wish I’d never found you.” His words were said so softly, I almost missed them.
I whirled to face my son. “Oh, Eli. Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.”
He jerked another foot or so of silver tape from the roll. “If I hadn’t come to find you at your reunion, your life wouldn’t be a mess now.” A nod to the piles of books resting under overturned shelves and then to my laptop. “This is all my fault.”
“No. Those dumbasses deserve the blame.”
“I brought them here.”
He had me there, but I wasn’t going to let Eli shoulder the blame for this whole disaster. “You didn’t tell them to rob me.”
“Can you tape this?” Pulling together the two separated edges of fabric on the chair’s seat, he nodded at the strips of tape he’d lined up on the arm.
Took three layers to be sure the stuffing wouldn’t explode back out when someone sat on the chair. At least we could use it now. As we worked, I considered giving my son a hug, but I wasn’t sure how he’d handle one. Instead, I said, “I’m not sorry you found me. I thought about you all the time, and now I can get to know you. I’m glad you found me, Eli.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
He knocked the breath out of me when he threw his arms around me and hugged me. I hugged back before we pulled apart, smiled at each other and went back to work on the recliner and then the couch.
At least the couch’s fold-out mattress had been spared, so he had a place to sleep. We taped cushions together and talked about his childhood. By the time we leaned the bookshelves back against the wall and sorted through the books, he started opening up to me about his anger at his father. It took everything I had not to cry at his sadness, both over his father’s betrayal by taking a mistress and over the man’s death. Both had all but destroyed his family.
I told him about his Uncle Jack, hoping he might understand why I’d been so awful to Scott, even though I didn’t understand myself.
“I should probably be going home soon,” he finally said. “I need to get ready for college, so Mom’s gotta get me ready for some tests I have to take to get my diploma.”
“Tests?”
“End of course exams. I have to pass them to show Indiana I could’ve graduated from one of their high schools.”
“What will you do after that?”
“Mom wants me to go to college.” After picking up the overturned desk chair, he dropped into it and fiddled with the pieces of my destroyed laptop. “She wants me go to someplace in Indiana. You know, so she’s not alone.”
But I’d be alone again. I considered suggesting he stay, maybe investigate going to NYU or somewhere close.
When had I become so fucking selfish? Stephanie was Eli’s mother. I might have provided the egg that created him, but she’d earned the title by caring for him all these years. What right did I have to try to keep him now that he’d found me? For what seemed like the millionth time that day, I bit my tongue. I did, however, make a vow to pay for his college, regardless of where he went. Stephanie might fight me over it, but I was the most stubborn creature on the face of the planet. And I would win.
“What did you want to study?” I asked, trying to fill the awkward silence.
“Art,” he replied without a moment of contemplation.
“Art? What do you wanna do with a degree in art?”
“Make books. Graphic novels.” He flashed me a huge grin. “Maybe I’ll get published like you.”
I grinned back. “Just like me.” I made a quick mental note to ask Marla about good agents who represented graphic novels until I realized I hadn’t even seen his work yet.
He’d turned back to work on my laptop before he suddenly stopped. His gaze met mine. “I’m really sorry, Maddie.”
Figuring he was talking about the two douchebags trashing my place again, I replied, “It’s not your fault.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Oh? Then what?”
From the solemn look on his face, I could tell this wasn’t an easy thing for him. “I’m sorry I called you a bitch. You know, the night I finally found you.”
Like I could have forgotten. “Oh. That. You were just mad.”
“More than mad. Furious. I thought you didn’t want me, that you’d given me away.”
My heart felt as if someone was squeezing it too hard for it to beat properly. “I wanted you, Eli. I just…I was only seventeen.”
“I know that now. I understand.” A few moments passed before he added, “I sorta understand. Did you hate my dad or something? Were you afraid I’d be a reminder of him?”
Here it was. The conversation I hoped never to have but knew I could never totally avoid. Plopping on the couch, I patted the duct-taped cushion next to me. He dutifully came over to sit at my side. “I didn’t hate your father, Eli.” Hell, yes, I hate him. “I just…couldn’t be with him.�
��
“Didn’t he want me?”
“Oh, Eli. I never told him. I didn’t want him in your life. You deserved better.”
“Will you at least tell me who he is?”
“Do you really think it’s important to know? He doesn’t want to know about you, and he wouldn’t be good for you. Can’t you just be content knowing me?” A selfish request, but also a selfless one. I didn’t want Eli to ever know about Craig and what he’d done to me, but telling him a lie about “Dom Niemand” being his dad wouldn’t work, either.
“I guess not.”
Sure, he was disappointed, but disappointment he could deal with. Finding out his father was the scum of the earth, I wasn’t so sure he could handle.
Eli heaved a sigh and started to stand. I grabbed his hand. “Can you trust me on this? Let me decide when to tell you?”
“Just answer me one question. Is he some kind of criminal or something? Like, is he some kind of serial killer or in jail or—”
I had to stop that nonsense right away. “No way. Just a normal guy who didn’t treat me very well.”
“You mean he hurt you? Like physically?”
I thought it over long enough for things to get uncomfortable. Then I saw the understanding in Eli’s eyes and gave him a curt nod in response. His eyes searched mine, and I suddenly knew that he’d figured at least some of it out. The boy was, after all, a genius.
Thank the sweet Lord, he let it drop and headed back over to my desk. I sat on the couch for a few minutes, pondering how long this problem would disappear before resurfacing again. Years, I hoped. Decades. If he moved in with me to go to college, he might—
The truth slapped me in the face. I just had to acknowledge it. The time had come to let go. Eli had met me, gotten to know me, and now I had to quit pretending to be his mom and return him to his real one.
I walked over to the desk and leaned over Eli’s shoulder to watch him fiddle with the mess that used to be a computer. “We should go back to Indiana tomorrow. And we’ll fly, even if I hate it.”
“You’re going too?”
So he’d accepted my decision to get him back to Stephanie. Part of me wished he would argue and ask to stay once we got there. The selfish part. The caring Maddie won the battle. “Yeah, I’m going too.”
I didn’t add that I’d also like to head to Pottsville because I needed to talk to my sister. About everything. Scott. Eli. The tangled mess I’d made of my life. I also needed to finally face my parents and quit running away like some coward with her tail tucked between her legs. My mother had to hate me for dodging every single one of her phone calls.
“You know, I think I can get the hard drive out,” he said as he plucked out small pieces of the computer’s guts. “Then you can do what Scott said and take it to a techie. Might be able to rescue most of your stuff.”
Simply hearing Scott’s name again made my stomach churn. I needed a few moments alone. Grabbing my jacket, I mumbled something about getting some groceries and hurried out of the condo.
I had no destination in mind, so I just walked, not even pondering too much about where I was heading. I lost track of how many blocks I circled. I thought about Scott until it hurt more than I could bear. I even yanked my phone out of my pocket and pulled up his number simply to stare at it. Then I pathetically listened to old voice mails so I could hear his voice, which made me sniff back threatening tears. People noticed me, but in New York, someone walking around looking pitiful wasn’t worth more than a lingering concerned glance and a frown. A light, misting rain had all but soaked my hair and my hoodie by the time I’d exhausted myself enough to head back home.
I opened to door to see Eli taking off his shoes. “Where did you go?”
“To that automated postage machine in the lobby next door.”
“Why?”
“Mailed some postcards back to friends in Pittsville.”
“Pottsville.”
“Same diff.”
“But we’re heading back there tomorrow. You’ll get there before the postcards.”
“I wanted them to come from New York. What time do we need to leave for the airport tomorrow?”
“Depends on which flight I book. I need to call my travel agent, but I’ll try to get an early flight. Takes forever to get through security now, so we’ll probably grab breakfast at the airport. You have an ID, right?”
Before Eli could answer, the doorbell rang. I wasn’t expecting anyone, especially this late, which meant someone else had buzzed whoever it was in. A glance through the peephole revealed the FedEx guy who frequented our block and knew me by my first name because of all the packages I received.
I opened the door to his smile. “Got a package for you, Maddie.”
“Need a signature?” I nodded at his little gray hand-held computer.
He grinned as he passed the package off to Eli, who’d come to stand at my side. I signed the screen while my son carried whatever had been delivered into the living room. I almost scolded him not to open it because I wanted to figure out who sent it first.
After locking the door, I went to sit down next to Eli on the couch. We both stared at the brown box.
“Who’s it from?” he asked.
“Don’t know.” I reached for the box and tilted it to look at the address label. “A computer store. Tiger Electronics.”
Eli ripped the thing open before I could. “Holy shit!”
“What?”
My son yanked the object cradled between two white pieces of fitted Styrofoam out of the box. “It’s a new laptop. A Tiger! Shit, that set you back a pretty penny. When did you order it?”
“I didn’t.”
The Styrofoam made an annoying squeak as Eli pulled it off the box that held the computer. Then he set the labeled inner box on the coffee table and started prying off the big shipping staples with his fingernails.
A big snarling Bengal tiger looked back at me from the top of the box, his paw extended as if ready to take a swipe out of me. “I’ve never heard of Tigers before.”
“‘Cause you don’t watch much TV. These are the best you can get right now. The company has automatic backup to their server twice a day for all your files. It’s fast too. Can run any video game better than a game system. You can stream movies. You can—”
I was in technology overload, so I teasingly put my hands over my ears. “Enough. It’ll be too complicated for me to use.”
My son laughed at me. “It’s idiot-proof.”
“Not for this idiot.”
He jerked the box open and quickly freed the computer inside from its clear plastic cocoon. Watching Eli set things up became hypnotic. In less than twenty minutes, my new Tiger was hooked to the internet and ready to rock and roll.
“You’re amazing,” I said, running my fingers over the edge of the silver gift.
His shrug belied his grin. “Not so tough.” Wiggling around the tiny wireless mouse that came with my Tiger—and of course it was orange with black stripes—he negotiated cyberland.
While he played with the new toy, I rifled through the box, looking for any kind of receipt. It had to have come from Scott. No one else knew about my loss. He’d probably ordered it before I’d turned into a lunatic. God, I wanted to see him, to thank him. To beg him to forgive me.
I was suddenly exhausted. “Thanks for all the help getting things set up. I’m heading to bed.” I didn’t even wait for a reply as I hurried to my bedroom and slammed the door.
A frantic call to my reliable and abused travel agent secured two semi-expensive short-notice tickets to Indianapolis and a rental car. As soon as I hung up, the rest of my tenuous control vanished.
I threw myself on the bed. But I couldn’t sleep. All I ended up doing was staring at the ceiling and hating myself.
Empty.
That was the only word that described what I felt. My hand shifted to the side of the bed Scott slept on whenever we were together. Always on the right. Now, it was cold. And
I was lonely.
No. I wasn’t lonely.
I was empty.
I finally grabbed Scott’s pillow and buried my face in it.
* * *
I pushed up to look at the clock. 3:00 a.m. The night was never going to end if I kept waking up every hour on the hour with my brain crowded with thoughts of Scott. Of Eli. Of the future and how bleak it would be without either of them in it.
I don’t want to think anymore.
For the first time in my life, I needed a stiff drink. Unfortunately, the little hard liquor I had was in the kitchen, hiding in the cabinet above the refrigerator. Since I hadn’t stepped on broken glass earlier, I assumed the two dipshits who destroyed my condo hadn’t found my pathetic stash. The debate on whether to tiptoe to the kitchen or lie there some more lasted about three seconds. I opened the bedroom door as silently as possible.
Eli was still awake, sitting up on the couch and drawing on the pad I’d bought him after our trip to the museum.
“Eli?” I said softly. “Having trouble sleeping?”
“Nah. Just needed to draw.” One hand covered the drawing he’d been working on as if he didn’t want me to see it.
I couldn’t help but be offended—my emotions were as raw as bare skin in an Alaska winter.
Shit, I need a drink.
The kitchen cabinet yielded rum and vodka, neither of which I truly liked let alone could drink in a straight shot. I only kept them around for company. Too bad I hadn’t planned ahead for a mental breakdown and my need for straight tequila. Perhaps if I mixed the rum with Coke… But that would add caffeine to the mix, and that wouldn’t help when what I wanted was a dreamless, alcohol-induced sleep. I chose vodka and orange juice, figuring a screwdriver was the closest thing to a mimosa I could get at three in the morning.
Yes, I was setting a bad example for Eli. But I still needed a drink. It wasn’t that he was glaring at me. No, he looked more curious and a bit surprised. Since things seemed so awkward, I tried to smooth out the rough edges. Sitting on the duct-taped arm of my sofa, I tried to see what he’d been drawing.
“Whatcha working on?” I finally found the nerve to ask.
His hand still hovered above the drawing, which I could now see resembled one of the graphic novels he’d shown me at the museum. “Well, it was supposed to be a surprise…”