by Tawny Weber
“Fine. You want to end it, go ahead. Tell your dad I couldn’t deal, tell him you’re running off to join the circus. Do whatever you want.”
“It’s for the best,” she promised brokenly. She gulped back the tears, reminding herself that crying made her blotchy and she didn’t want him to see her that way. “You might be irritated with me now, but soon, probably as soon as tomorrow, you’ll admit I’m right.”
Sage winced at his dead-eyed stare, one that was just as lethal as some of the weapons he carried.
“Don’t count on it,” he said, heading for the door.
“Aiden?”
“What?” he asked, tossing a glare over his shoulder.
“Kiss me goodbye?” she suggested, unable to resist one last taste.
“Kiss you...” Aiden yanked off his hat, smacked it against his thigh, then crunched it in his fist so tight, she figured it was wrinkled for life.
He stormed over, looking so ferocious her toes melted.
His eyes never leaving hers, he grabbed her by the forearms, yanked her up and pressed his mouth over hers.
As soon as their lips touched, the anger melted away.
Passion, delight, and the most painful surge of love she’d ever felt washed through her with each slide of his lips.
Then he stopped. It was all Sage could do not to grab him back and hold on forever.
“There,” he said, pulling away physically, and if the chill washing over her bare skin was any indication, emotionally. “There’s your kiss goodbye. Have a fun life, Sage.”
She tried to speak, but couldn’t find her voice until he reached the door.
“Aiden,” she called.
Hand on the doorknob, he froze but didn’t look back.
She swallowed the painful knot of tears, then forced the words out.
“We’re still friends, right?”
Her heart froze waiting for his response.
It seemed like forever before he dropped his head to his chest. Still not looking at her, he finally sighed.
“Yeah, Sage. We’ll always be friends.”
13
THIS SUCKED.
The warm overhead sunshine sucked.
The sound of the waterfall whooshing into the pool sucked.
The iced tea, the fresh fruit and even the gentle harp music she’d put on to soothe her sucked.
Sage lay on the chaise and sighed.
For the first time in her life, she’d done the responsible thing. She’d chased wisdom instead of pleasure. She’d put Aiden’s safety over her heart.
It was the smart thing, the right thing to do.
Being smart, and right, sucked.
She should be happy. Her father was doing so much better. This new career idea of hers seemed to be panning out. And all she’d had to give up was the love of her life.
Of course, he’d given up on her way before she’d given up on them, so maybe she was beating herself up for no reason.
Sage threw one arm over her eyes, blocking the glow of the sun, and tried not to scream.
All week, she’d done this. Went round and round in mental circles, chasing one painful thought after the other. Did she do the right thing, cutting the engagement off? Should she have tried to wear Aiden down with sexual promises and homemade cookies? Was keeping their friendship worth the cost of a broken heart? Wasn’t keeping him safe worth everything?
Argh. She ground her teeth so tight, she tasted enamel.
Suddenly, footsteps echoed on the stone patio.
No. Not another well-meaning friend here to cheer her up. Or worse her father, checking up on her.
She couldn’t take it.
Maybe if she lay there without moving, whoever it was would think she was asleep and go away.
“I know you’re awake, so you might as well talk to me.”
Oh, my God.
“Aiden?” Sitting bolt upright, she stared at the man next to her.
Was he real? Not a mirage brought on by sleep deprivation, sunstroke and dehydration brought on by crying for seven days straight?
She shaded her eyes and looked closer.
He looked real. And grumpy. His casual jeans and T were at odds with the power and authority of his stance.
She should probably worry that she found the grumpiness just as sexy as the power.
“What are you doing here?” she asked, not sure she wanted to know.
“It took me a week to figure out what you’d done,” he told her, hands on his hips as he aimed that intense look her way.
“And you’re supposed to be a genius?” she asked, trying to sound teasing but the words were too tight to come off as light as she wanted. “I told you face-to-face what I was doing. Should I have written it in a note, too?”
“You were trying to save me from myself. Just like you initiated this engagement to save your dad from worrying. You do that a lot, Sage. You think you need to be the one doing all the sacrificing in a relationship.”
That was ridiculous. Just because she always had been the one to sacrifice didn’t mean she wanted it that way.
“I’m hardly a martyr.”
“Nope. You might not take pleasure in suffering for others. But you do have a bad habit of suffering all the same.”
Didn’t she, though? Sage sighed, resisting the urge to drop her head into her hands. Still, there was suffering for the sake of drama, which she might have inadvertently given in to in the past. And there was sacrificing for the safety of someone she loved.
She didn’t figure pointing that out would make Aiden leave any faster, though.
“Do you have a point?” she asked instead. “A reason you came back here when you should still be on duty?”
“Yeah. I’m here to fix this mess.”
Sage made a show of looking around the pristine grounds and glistening pool.
“You might have wasted a trip.”
“The mess that is us,” he clarified.
Us? Why was he doing this to her? Sage’s heart was one big ball of misery and her stomach tied in knots. She’d never thought Aiden was the type to torture the innocent.
“Aren’t we over?” she asked, using her best humoring the crazy man tone. “Remember? We unofficially split weeks ago over champagne. Then we made it official last week when you were in your sexy SEAL clothes.”
His lips twitched, either over the champagne or her still thinking him sexy.
“Nope. We’ve been together, in one form or another, for twenty years. Too long for us to end that easily.”
Easily? She’d barely slept in weeks. She’d spent the first week after he left with her face in bag after bag of M&M’s, then the next two weeks miserably sick to her stomach and unable to eat. She’d had to resort to self-hypnosis to meet her publishing obligations and was almost ready to give up on even believing in her positive-thinking biofeedback MP3s.
How the hell was any of that easy?
Luckily, either because he saw the look on her face or because he simply wanted to take advantage of her brief silence, he lifted a hand before she could say anything.
“You said you split up with me because your dad was pressuring me to leave the service. Right?” He didn’t wait for her to confirm the obvious. “Did you argue the point with him? Despite his illness, I’m betting you did everything you could to convince him to give it up.”
She shrugged.
He raised his brows, making it clear he wasn’t going to let her brush off this conversation.
Fine, then. If they had to have it, they could do it fast, then he could leave again.
“Well, he was using me as justification for trying to get you to quit.” She lifted both hands in the air as if it was obvious. “Of co
urse I told him to let it go. I knew leaving the navy wasn’t what you’d want to do.”
“But he didn’t let up.”
“He quit nagging you when I told him we broke our engagement, didn’t he?” He’d said he had, and her father never lied.
“Right. He quit nagging me.” Giving her a searching look, Aiden grimaced. “As much pressure as he’d put on me, he was putting more on you. Pressure to get you to pressure me, I mean. You broke it off to get him off my back.”
Seeing no point in confirming the obvious, she just shrugged.
“I broke it off because it was over,” she said instead.
“You broke it off to save me from having to choose. To save me from worrying, from stressing over it.” He looked as insulted as if she’d claimed he had a tiny dick. “Because this is you, Sage. It’s what you do. You find an underdog, someone or something that needs you and fix or help them.”
“You’re not a homeless puppy, Aiden.”
“No.” He grimaced, then huffed out a deep breath. “I’m the man you love. The one you’d do anything for, even make yourself miserable instead of putting me through stress.”
“You’re being silly,” Sage denied, scrambling out of the lounge chair and grabbing her cover-up. She was feeling a little too naked for this conversation. “We had an agreement, remember? Now that my dad looks to be out of danger, the agreement isn’t necessary.”
“Okay, yeah. You’re right. That agreement served its purpose.” Aiden clenched his jaw, then gave her a sharp nod. “Which is why I’m here. So we can negotiate a new agreement.”
Sage wet her lips, her stomach jumping in so many directions she wasn’t sure if she was excited, nervous or two breaths away from throwing up.
“I don’t think so,” she said quietly. She stepped around the chaise. The flimsy piece of pool furniture wasn’t any obstacle for Aiden. But maybe it’d keep her from throwing herself into his arms. “I think we’d be better off sticking with my plan.”
He pursed his lips, considering her words. Then he shook his head.
“Nope. I don’t think we would.”
“That’s not fair. We haven’t given my plan any time yet.” She circled her hand in the air. “Let’s give it a year, maybe two. Then if it doesn’t seem to be working, we can talk about a different agreement.”
“Why are you afraid?”
Because she didn’t like being hurt. For the first time in her life, she’d found something she wanted so much that she was afraid to go for it. She’d found bliss with Aiden. She’d found contentment and joy. Then he’d taken it away.
“You don’t even know what I’m going to suggest,” he pointed out when she didn’t say anything. “You’ve never rejected something out of hand before, Sage. You’re all about fairness and balance and giving everything its chance. Remember?”
“It doesn’t matter what the suggestion is,” she told him. Suddenly not caring if she sounded like an idiot or a needy drama queen, she wrapped her hands around the edge of the chaise and leaned forward intently. “I can’t do it, Aiden. I can’t take the chance.”
“Of what? Of us having a fight?” He frowned, his brows furrowed so tight they almost made a single line. “Or is it because I’m in the military? Are you afraid of committing to a SEAL? Is it the danger? Or the time apart?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then what is your justification for walking away from the best thing in your life?”
“Fine.” She threw her hands in the air. “You want to know why? Here it is.”
She stormed around the chair, getting close enough to poke her finger into his chest.
“I can’t go through this kind of thing again. We are wonderful together. We are perfect for each other. We understand each other inside and out. I know your fears, your hopes. I know how to make you smile. You not only understand, but appreciate my quirks, my needs.”
“Right. And that’s all bad because...”
“Because when we’re together, we’re everything I’ve been searching my entire life for,” she yelled. “We’re everything I want to spend the rest of my life nurturing, enjoying, reveling in.”
He gave a slow nod.
“Not to be redundant, but again, why is that bad?”
“Because we can’t have it,” she said quietly. Suddenly, with no warning, her anger drained away, leaving her to blink away tears. “Because as fun as it is, sooner or later, you’ll walk away.”
“I...” His mouth opened and closed a couple of times. He shook his head, then gave her a narrow look. “I’m sorry. You think I’ll be the one who walks away?”
The only way to convince him was to tell him the truth. The whole truth. No matter how much it hurt. Sage swallowed hard, then laying one hand on his wrist, she gazed up at him.
“You’re a flake, Aiden.”
He pressed his lips together, either to keep from laughing or cussing. But he didn’t say a word, just inclined his head for her to continue.
“You don’t make choices. Not long-term ones. You’ve taken enough college courses to get four degrees, but you won’t declare a major. You’re in the service, doing a job you love. But each time you only re-up for the minimum time allowed.” She waved her hand. “You don’t commit, Aiden.”
She waited, sure he’d argue, or worse, laugh. But he just gave her a long look.
“So that’s why you’re afraid of this new agreement between us?” he asked quietly, turning his hand so their fingers entwined. Sage almost melted at the ease of the move, and forced herself to nod.
“Yeah. That’s why. You’re the answer to everything I’ve ever wanted.” She lifted her free hand to stop his response when he opened his mouth. “But I don’t want it temporarily. It’s been hard enough trying to get over you this month. I can’t do it again. And I can’t do it again and again.”
His frown was ferocious. For a second, he looked like he was going to argue. Then he gave a slow nod.
“Okay, that’s fair. If anyone would recognize someone who’s avoiding commitment, it’d be you.”
“Cute,” she muttered, tugging at her hand.
He wouldn’t let go. Instead, he lifted it to his mouth, brushing his lips over her knuckle. This time she did melt. Why did he have to be gorgeous, smart and sweet? Damn him.
“And you’re right. I’d actually come to the same conclusion last week.”
What? Sage frowned, replaying his words.
“You did?”
“Nothing like night maneuvers in the freezing ocean to make a guy think seriously about his life.”
Panic suddenly gripped her, all those melting happy feelings freezing in terror. Please, oh, please, don’t let him be leaving the navy because of her. As much as she wanted to hear his next words, she didn’t want to hear that.
“The day after you visited, I pulled together my credits, declared a major. It’ll only take me a class or two to get my degree.” He paused to brush a kiss over her mouth, which was hanging open in shock. “So I’ve got a couple of choices now. I can teach, like your dad wanted. Or I can stay in the navy, be an officer.”
The panic grew teeth, gnawing and gnashing at her guts. Sage shook her head. It wasn’t fair. She couldn’t do this.
“You’re not asking me to decide which you do, are you?”
“Nope. I already know what you’d say.” He slid his hands over her waist, pulling her stiff body closer as if she wasn’t showing any resistance. “That’s why I’m here. That’s why I want to renegotiate our deal.”
Sage gazed up at him. He was so gorgeous. His hazel eyes shone and his smile was that same sweet curve of his lips that made her heart race. She wanted him so much. Wanted this, a real chance, for them so much.
Maybe he was right. Maybe she was a martyr. Because as
wonderful as that would be, she couldn’t do it at the cost of what he was meant to do.
“Aiden—”
“So here’s the deal,” he interrupted, sliding his hands over her butt to cup her cheeks and pull her against the temptation of his growing erection. She’d almost agree to anything for one more ride on that hard length. And he was offering her a lifetime ride pass. It was enough to make a strong woman weep. And she was feeling anything but strong.
“I want a long-term agreement. One that’s a lot harder to get out of.”
“Aiden—”
“I want us to get married. No engagement, since we already did that in fake form. Just married. Right away.”
Oh, my.
Sage’s heart did a wild dance, tears filling her eyes. She cupped his face in her hands, giving him a gentle smile. She loved him so much.
“Aiden—”
“You said you loved me. I know you, Sage, you wouldn’t say it if you didn’t mean it and if you meant it, a few weeks wouldn’t change it.” His words shot out like ammo from an automatic weapon. Fast, loud, forceful. “So...you’ll marry me, right?”
“I can’t,” she said, the words almost choking her in unhappiness. “I can’t. If we married, if you left the military and became Professor Masters, eventually you’d be miserable.”
“You think I’d be miserable as a professor?”
She didn’t know why he was looking at her so closely, but she felt like the fate of the world, or the two of their lives, rested on her next words. So she chose them carefully.
“I do love you. I think maybe, on some level, I always have.” The ferocious look faded from his face, leaving smug male satisfaction. “But—”
“You can skip the but,” he interrupted.
“But I can’t do it. I can’t let you give up a career that’s perfect for you to chase a dream that, well, just doesn’t fit.” She winced, her thumbs rubbing over his cheekbones trying to offer comfort. “You’re brilliant, Aiden. But you’d never be happy as a professor.”
His stare was long and intense. Long and intense enough to make her spine start itching. Sage shifted, trying to accept that this was very likely goodbye. At least, for a few years until she’d gotten past this enough to be near him without wanting to strip naked and dance around his body.