by M. Clarke
I considered her question, inhaling and exhaling slowly, still trying to control the monstrous rage inside me every time we talked about the past. Do I lie? No, tell her the truth. No more lies and pretense. “I hired a private detective about a week ago. I came here to see if he had found the right Shelly. When I was about to knock on the door, I saw you and Emma through the front window. So you can imagine my shock and anger.”
She nodded. “Of course. I had to admit, I did a little research on you too. I wanted to make sure I was introducing Emma to a father she could be proud of. So you’re a big-time model.” She smiled, and then her eyes fell to her non-manicured fingernails that used to be painted black in the past. It would take time getting used to how much Shelly had cleaned up. I guessed being a parent could do that to you. You were no longer the focus. Someone more precious demanded your time and energy.
I almost told her my father hooked me up with an agent, which was true. My father had told me to shape up, and since I no longer wanted to be financially supported by them, it was the only choice I had. “It just happened,” I explained.
“Wow.” Her green eyes beamed with joy. “I’m so happy that you found something you love to do. I saw some of your social media sites, and it looks like you have a lot of fans.”
I shrugged shyly. “We have to be out there. There’s even a contest that started, and I’m running up against some of my friends to be the Sexiest Model Alive.” Why the hell was I telling her all that? I clamped my mouth shut, and the friendly expression became cold and aloof again. “So now that everything is out in the open, we should be honest and open with each other and try to remain cordial since we have a daughter to raise. I would like to be able to take her with me on the weekends. Weekdays are hard since I don’t have a nanny yet. And sometimes I have to travel for work.”
Shelly leaned back, her hair falling around her face while her arms still embraced the pillow. “I could agree to that. You can come over during the weekday after work if you’d like to see Emma. That way she’ll get used to you. You can’t just take her for a weekend. She’ll cry bloody murder for me. And besides, I don’t think you know how to change diapers, or feed her, or give her a bath.”
I hadn’t thought about that. To Emma, I was a total stranger. “Okay. I’ll stop by every day around this time until she’s comfortable enough for me to take her on the weekend. I don’t have a project right now, so the timing is perfect.”
I leaned closer to Emma and caressed her chubby arm. Emma’s eyes fluttered open. When her bluish-green eyes set on me, I stopped breathing. Her eyes were just like mine, so uncanny, like almost looking at a reflection. Though Shelly had told me Emma’s eyes looked like mine, seeing the truth of it took my breath away. Relishing the feeling, I studied her.
I had thought she would burst out with a cry, but instead she smiled and twisted into a crawling position. Gripping the posts, she bounced, making cute baby sounds. When she spotted Shelly, Emma held out her arms and started to whine.
Shelly picked Emma up and kissed her forehead. The love Shelly had for Emma warmed my heart. I smiled, but I kept my heart hardened. Shelly told me her intentions, but I didn’t trust her.
“Here you go.” She deposited Emma in my arms, and since I hadn’t expected it, I almost dropped her. “Emma this is your father, Josh. Josh, your daughter, Emma.”
“Hi, Emma.” I bounced her a little the way I’d seen mothers do, afraid she would whine again. I had no idea what to do next. What the hell was I thinking when I had asked Shelly if I could have Emma for the weekend? I had no idea how to change a diaper, feed her, bathe her, or whatever else an eleven-month-old baby needed. I guessed I needed to hire a nanny as soon as possible.
Emma gave me a blank face. She glanced to her mother and then back to me, uncertain. When I made a goofy face, she smiled and let out a cute noise. One of her tiny, delicate hands touched my face, and the other set of fingers wrapped around my index finger. At that moment she stole my breath and tattooed herself onto my heart. You will always be a part of me. You own my heart and my soul. I will love you, care for you, and protect you with every breath I take. I’m your father, and I promise you I’ll make up for all the time lost. I swear to you on my life, Emma.
“I was wondering if you can do me a favor,” Shelly asked, her tone reserved with her chin held level. “I’m looking for a job, and I’m low on cash. Like I said before, the money your parents gave me is in the bank for Emma.”
You mean the money you took from my parents. I growled inwardly but kept my anger at bay. I would never show anger in front of my daughter. She might not be old enough to understand the situation, but she could hear the loud voices, and I didn’t want her to be surrounded by that.
“You didn’t need to ask, Shell,” I gritted through my teeth, a note of annoyance rose in my throat. I was going to offer you child support. Whatever you need for Emma, let me know.”
Though she tried not to show it, her muscles relaxed, and a small sigh of relief escaped her mouth. Mesmerized and spellbound by my own child, I couldn’t let go of her.
“You’re welcome to stay and spend some time with her.” She pointed to a toy chest. “Her favorite toys are in there.” She meandered to the door. “I’m going to talk to my mom and let her know things are fine. You’re also welcome to stay for dinner.”
I was grateful Shelly gave me extended time with Emma. Of course I would stay and spend time with her. I would have canceled my appointments for my daughter. My daughter. What a foreign but beautiful word. I planned to visit Emma every day and digest the fact that I had a daughter, and then when I had the chance, I would let the whole world know.
Before I could answer, she left. “I guess I’m eating dinner with you, Emma,” I cooed. “I’m your fa…” Did babies say father? No. “I’m your daddy. Dada.”
Emma didn’t understand of course, and she didn’t care. Her cheeks contorted, her lips twitched, and then she reached out her hand to the door. Before she could wail, I spun the mobile to distract her. She was entertained for about a minute. Panic rose inside me when she started to make a sound like she was about to cry. So I took her to her mom. Again, I was crazy to think I could just take Emma home for the weekend. Emma and I had eleven months of catching up to do first.
Chapter 9
Isla
When I came home Sunday night, Josh sat on the sofa in front of the television. Seeing him sitting in the exact spot where we had made out had my stomach churning. My pulse raced for two reasons. First, recalling that night when we were all over each other made me lust for him again. And second, I had no idea what to say or how to act around him. I decided not to overthink it. As I entered the family room, Josh stood.
“Isla. You’re home.”
Honey, I’m home. I said those words in my head, the words I’d never repeat to him again. Our playfulness wiped away when we crossed that line. But the familiar want and desire coursed through me as soon as his eyes met mine.
“Hi,” I greeted as cheerfully as I could, gawking at his jeans molding against his firm legs and a T-shirt layered on him like a second skin, showing all the bumps and curves of his defined muscles. Nope, I wasn’t thinking of him sucking my breast with ice cream at all.
His usually fun-loving personality shone through when he grinned at me, thank God. Not an ounce of uneasiness emanated from him. My tight shoulders relaxed, and I played along.
Did he miss me? Did he think about what we did on that sofa?
He shoved his hands in his pockets, looking boyish and innocent. “How was your weekend?”
“It was great. My nieces are a handful, but they are amazing, beautiful, and crazy at the same time.” Releasing a light laugh, I recalled how they fought over which of the cookies we baked after dinner had more chocolate chips.
“I can imagine,” he drawled.
Silence grew as we stared at each other.
“How was your weekend?” I broke the awkwardness before it got
worse.
“I had dinner with Nathan. Not much else.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a sign I knew too well. He was hiding something. Not my problem anymore. Damn it. I didn’t want to be like that with him. That was not how friends thought. “Sounds like you had a quiet weekend.” Lame. But it was the only thing that popped in my head. “Anyway…” I gazed down to my bags in my hands. “I’m going up to my room.”
Josh’s eyes followed to my bags. “Oh, sure.”
As I sauntered across the wooden floor to the stairs, I felt Josh’s eyes on me. Did he want to ask me something but couldn’t? When I turned to him, his lips parted, and then they closed. Those beautiful lips I got to kiss, those lips that tasted like heaven. They would haunt me every time I looked at them.
“Isla, are you coming back down? I mean, did you want to catch up on our show?”
My shoulders drooped for emphasis. “I’ve had a long weekend. I’m kind of tired. Can we do it another day?”
Josh’s thick eyebrows slanted in an angle. “Sure. Get some rest.”
I took two steps up, stopped, and then turned to him. “Did you check your email? I guess we’re going to Hawaii for Knight Fashion.”
Josh’s eyes twinkled against the lamplight. “Nathan and Olivia are going too. It should be fun. The four of us get to take a mini vacation on Matthew Knight’s dollar. Because you know…” He waggled his eyebrows. “…it won’t be all work.”
“That’s true. But there will be other models there. They might want to hang out with us. Logan is going too.”
I saw a hint of a scowl when I mentioned Logan. Surely Josh wasn’t jealous. He was specific about what he wanted, and I was not it. Josh talking about the four of us showed me he moved on from whatever happened between us, so it gave me more incentive to try to do the same.
“I’m going to make a few phone calls and wash up. If you’re still up for it, I’ll come down to watch the next episode. Sound good?” Good, Isla. You’re doing great. Be a good friend and pretend it never happened. Pretend you never kissed him. Pretend your body didn’t press against his. Pretend you never felt his cock. Pretend you never enjoyed him licking ice cream off you. I sighed to myself. Pretend you’re not falling in love with him even as you tell yourself he doesn’t love you back.
“Sounds good,” he said, grinning.
When he plopped down to the sofa, I headed to my room. After I unpacked, washed up, put on my sweat outfit, I checked my phone. Kathy and Olivia had texted me.
Kathy: Hope everything goes smoothly. You will get through this.
I snorted as I texted her back.
Me: You make it sound like someone I loved died.
Kathy: Well, kind of. Your heart did.
I swallowed hard. Though I tried to deny it and locked up the feeling so I wouldn’t break inside, Kathy was right. Josh crushed my heart by telling me I wasn’t enough to fight for. He had said our friendship meant a lot to him. What a lame excuse. If he truly loved me in that special way, he would have tried to make it work. He would have wanted it more than our friendship. He had said he wasn’t good enough for me. What the hell did he mean? Maybe he meant I wasn’t good enough for him.
Me: I’m already over it. He’s acting like nothing happened.
Kathy: Good. That’s a start. Then later you can show him what he’s missing.
Me: What? I don’t play games.
Kathy: You will in Hawaii. Just you wait.
I glared at the phone and then laughed at her comment. During dinner, I had told her the list of names of models attending Hawaii. She pointed out how she thought the name Logan sounded sexy. I had told her he was, and that I thought he might be interested in me. I didn’t think I was far from the truth, especially since he asked me out to dinner once and I had declined. I didn’t want to lead him on.
Me: I will prove you wrong. Good night. Thanks for having me over.
Kathy: Anytime. Remember you promised to watch the girls when you come back.
Me: Of course.
I clicked on Olivia. Olivia and I texted every day, but over the weekend we didn’t much.
Olivia: You okay?
Me: Yes. Why do you ask?
Did Josh tell Nathan what had happened between us? Oh, God. My face burned with embarrassment, and I told myself to calm down. Josh wasn’t the type to kiss and tell. I knew for sure since he had never shared his past relationships with us, at least not with me anyway.
Olivia: Just making sure. Let’s have lunch soon.
Me: Sounds good. Can’t wait for us to be in Hawaii together.
Olivia: Me too.
Me: I gotta go. Watching Zombie World with Josh.
I had a difficult time typing Josh’s name. It will get better. I have to make it better.
Olivia: Have fun watching crazy people eat brains.
Me: Yum. LOL!
I rushed downstairs and eased into my side of the sofa. Josh sat on the other end with his arm resting on the armrest like mine. He locked eyes with me and gave me a small smile just before he pushed the play button on the remote.
When a zombie bit a girl’s neck, I clenched the throw pillow close to me. My head reminded me it was makeup and fake blood, but the other side of my brain told me otherwise. I relaxed my fingers when pain alerted me I held the pillow way too tightly. Had I gripped Josh’s arm with such strength when we sat closer? The thought of it pierced my heart. I’d known it would take time to heal what happened between us, but I didn’t realize it would hurt so much. And having Josh go out of his way to keep his distance hurt even greater.
I let real tears flow when the daughter dropped to her dead mother and sobbed her heart out. It was easier to let loose since Josh knew how sensitive I could be. I had cried in front of him before. It wouldn’t be any different, except before, he would make fun of me and let me lean on his shoulder. Not anymore. I cried because at that moment I realized Josh and I would never fix us. We had made a huge mistake by crossing that stupid line. I missed him. I missed our friendship.
As I glanced to him, wiping away my tears, he seemed occupied by his phone. He would smile as he read the message and text back. He had never done that while we watched together before. Had he met a girl over the weekend? That thought rumbled my stomach in an unpleasant way. No, I was overreacting. And if he had, I shouldn’t care. I should be happy for him, but I needed time to put us behind me first.
“That was a horrible ending,” Josh exclaimed. The phone on his lap lit up again and then went dark.
“I have to agree. That was so sad,” I groaned. “Now the little girl is an orphan. Who’s going to take care of her?”
“Hopefully someone responsible will find her.” His head craned down when his phone lit up. Another text.
Although we didn’t watch in complete darkness, the light on his phone shone like a flashlight. My reflexes acted without my consent, and my eyes homed in on the name—Shelly. My heart did a double flip and lodged in my throat. I had no air. All my blood drained up to my head, and I burned with jealousy and hurt. Then clarity set in. Josh, trying to be a good friend and not wanting to hurt my feelings, fed me lies about him not being good enough for me. Calm down. She might be a friend. Josh was allowed to have other friends besides me. But when he slowly slid the phone away from me, trying not to make it obvious, I became suspicious.
Josh ignored the text and said, “Oh, by the way, Nathan and I talked about the four of us flying together to Hawaii. I checked out the airline and flight information. I’ll email you the information, and then we can book the one we all decide on. Sound good?”
“Sure. Thanks. Less work for me.” I snorted, trying to sound cheerful. “I have some stuff to do. Good night.” I stood up and dashed the hell out of there, leaving my heart next to Josh on the sofa, where I wanted to be, close to him.
Chapter 10
Josh
Good night, Isla. The words stayed at the back of my throat. I had so much to tell her, and yet I couldn’t even get
one fuckin’ word out of my mouth. No, not yet. I needed to figure things out with Shelly and Emma first. Not that I planned to get back together with my ex, but I didn’t need any other complication in my life. Besides, if I tried to make things work with Isla, she might be turned off when she found out I had a child. I already had baggage, and it had just gotten heavier.
I tried my best to pretend nothing happened from the second she walked through the door. My mind shouted, Honey you’re home, but the logical side stopped me. If I had said it, it would have been no big deal, I was sure of it. I said it every single day, but the words wouldn’t come out. Fuck! I was trying too hard, and she probably sensed it.
Like before, Isla stole my breath when she walked in, and memories came crashing through. The way my fingers laced through her long, wavy hair like silk and how the softness of her body felt so good and warm under my hands. Her beautiful breasts and the sweet taste of her lips planted in my mind, especially where I licked in places I probably shouldn’t have. Oh, Isla. How divine and yummy you are.
I erased those thoughts when she went upstairs to change, but when she came back, I had to keep my distance. I didn’t trust myself. So I sat on the other end of the sofa, which did little good since it was only a sofa pillow space between us. The energy crackled and surged around us, and the pull she had on me almost did me in. It took every ounce of my willpower to stop from kissing her.
When she winced, tightened her muscles, and covered her eyes, I wanted to take her in my arms and comfort her. And when she shed tears because the child had watched her mother die, I wanted her to lean on me the way she had done many times before. My heart and mind struggled. Stay away. No. Comfort her. Don’t you fuckin’ touch her. Stupid fool. Hold her. I still didn’t trust myself. I might have done something I would regret. So I forced myself to turn away and not look at her.