by Gabi Moore
“You care so much about me, you’re bribing me to have sex?”
“Well, the money’s for free. But yeah, so shoot me, I want you. I’ve never made a secret of that. And you want me too, Em.”
“That’s not true.”
The line went quiet but it was as though I could hear him thinking. What if this was my last chance to save the bakery? I stared down at the books, hands shaking, wondering what others options I even had anymore.
“I’ll say it again, Em, this is your last chance. I’m done begging. I’m in the financial position right now to start making some smart choices. You should try make some smart ones too.”
It felt like a slap in the face. I couldn’t think. My head was whirring.
“I’m not going to sleep with you Buck” I said. It was as though my body, seeing what a mess my mind had become, simply spoke on my behalf. I would be mad to consider it. I was a sad, stupid girl. I had made horrible mistakes. But I wasn’t a …prostitute.
He sighed.
“Is it Felix?”
My face was burning so much it was beginning to feel cold instead.
“That’s’ none of your business.”
“What do you see in him anyway? He had absolutely nothing to offer you. He’s broke, he’s just some Mars reject and that leg? Man, I knew you were into some kinky stuff but Jesus.”
“I’m hanging up now,” I blurted.
“How much are you paying him?”
“That’s also none of your business.”
“Em, honey, you forget that I’ve seen your accounts. You’re not paying him much, are you? Admit it.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
“How long do you think he’s gonna hover around, obsessed over you and mopping your floors like a slave? Do you honestly think that situation will last, when you can’t even properly pay the guy?”
It was the first time I had really considered it.
“He wants to work here,” I said feebly.
“Yeah, for now. This is what I’m telling you Em, you’re on the edge here. The bakery is dying, do you get that?”
“I just need… I just need time to consider things, to think things over,” I muttered, suddenly crushed under the weight of the realization that I had been hurting Felix somehow, and taking advantage of the kindness he had shown me.
“Think things over? Bunny, no. I told you this was your last chance. Time’s up. I don’t even really want it anymore. Good luck with the bakery. You’ll need it.”
He hung up.
For a moment, the silence in the room felt it stung me. I sat, unbreathing, unable to blink, holding a great swell of anger inside me so big that I was almost too afraid to let go. But before I could stop it I burst into tears, big, ugly sobs washing over me as I threw my head into my hands and cried. He was right, of course. Right about everything. I had been feeling so sorry for myself, playing the victim. I had used poor Felix, whose only crime ever was to love me. I had thrown away my life and now I was ruining the only thing left of my father’s life…
The door cracked open and a pair of eyes peaked in.
“Em? Oh god, Em, what’s wrong?”
Felix came rushing into the room and put his arms around me. I shrugged them off.
“I can’t employ you anymore,” I bawled.
“What do you mean? Why not?”
“There’s no fucking money, Felix. You need to get a real job and stop wasting your time here with me.” I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
‘Hey, shh, Em, just calm down, just tell me what happened.”
I pulled away from him and dried my tears quickly, setting my face into the stoniest expression I could manage.
“I mean it, Felix. Tomorrow’s your last day. Come in to finish up and then leave. This can’t go on.” I could see the muscles in his neck clench as he looked at me and nodded.
“Ok. If it’s what you want. Just tell me what brought this on… has the bank called?”
“So what if they have? Of course they rejected the application, everyone knew they would.”
“Ok, Em, that’s fine, it doesn’t matter, there are always options…”
“Just, will you leave?”
He looked hurt. I wanted to take those words back, to tell him that all of this was my fault, that it wasn’t because I hadn’t appreciated everything he’d done for me so far.
The words that left my mouth were, “I think this is for your own good.”
He drew back as though I had slapped him.
“I see,” he said quietly.
“Please don’t be mad, Felix. It’s just that I can’t be your responsibility anymore.”
“I’ll always look out for you, Em. Making you happy will always be my responsibility. And I hold onto responsibilities like a pit bull.”
It was a strange way to put it, but one look at his face and I had no doubt that he meant every word. Poor fool. Maybe he was obsessed with me. If only I was worth being obsessed over.
Chapter 11 - Felix
My leg hurt the next morning. It hurt a lot.
I had woken up to see it more swollen than I had seen it in weeks. I had showered, slightly alarmed at how much more purple everything looked than usual, then idly watched the news and threw back some coffee. The usual shit. They had found the “terrorists” responsible for the latest rash of attacks, but now came the fiasco to decide who to blame. Maybe Em was right to be disdainful of the whole damn project. As far as I could see, they were all to blame. I switched off the TV, yelled a goodbye to Claire who was fussing with the kids in the kitchen, then dashed out before she could catch me and needle me for details about why I was acting so sullen.
The pain flared up even more as I set off for the bakery. My last day. But I got it. I understood. I had to face the fact: I had missed my chance with Emily. There was a day where she clung to my every word, where her whole face lit up every time we met, and she and I would talk excitedly about the future, never once questioning the fact that we’d both be in it together.
I had thrown that all away to pursue some dumb dream that seemed so empty now. I had left her when she needed me …and now she didn’t need me anymore. It hurt, but I had to stop forcing her to humor me, forcing her to find a place for me in her life when clearly she had enough on her plate already.
I didn’t rush. There was no point being a little early on the day you were meant to get sacked and told to fuck off. But as I turned the corner something instantly caught my eye and stopped me in my tracks. It was Emily, but she wasn’t alone. I squinted to make out a man through the window. It was him. Fucking Buck Whatsisname. I laid low and tried to spy on what was happening. So he was behind this? What exactly happened between them anyway?
I could see her slumped despondently over a chair, her shoulders tightened around her. He was walking around casually, arrogantly posing himself here and there and eyeballing the baked goods like he owned them. I crossed the road, marched over and flung open the door, sending the little bell tinkling. They both spun to look at me.
“Felix. You’re here,” she said. She seemed so tired.
He raised an eyebrow at me.
“Felix, my man. Reporting in for toilet scrubbing duty, huh?” he said, and chuckled to himself. It took everything in me to restrain the rage I felt against him. I turned to Em to see that she was OK. She wasn’t.
“Em …are you …do you need any help?” I asked her. It occurred to me that in fact, I might just be another male she was exasperated to have to deal with that day.
“I’m fine, Felix,” she said curtly. “Mr. Johnson is here to discuss a …business proposal. Can you just take care of the packing in the back for a moment?” I hated seeing that pleading look in her eyes. But no, I wasn’t going to leave her alone with this creep. No way, no how.
“Sure, I just wanted to sort out a few things out here first,” I said, and shot her loaded glance. She looked away and then to Buck.
“Don’t worry, Em, he can jo
in the grownups in their conversation, I don’t mind,” Buck said and gave her the most revolting wink. It made me feel physically ill to imagine that they had ever been together. And that, in some roundabout way, she had landed in his clutches because of me…
“I was just telling Emily here that it’s her lucky day. Rooting around trying to find out how to get a loan for her, you see, made me think, hang on a second – why don’t I just buy Warren’s? Then it hit me. It’s a win-win situation. I get to junk this business once and for all, put something really valuable on this premises, and poor Emily gets a break from running things,” he said, self-satisfied. Emily’s head hung low and she made no sign of acknowledgment. She looked crushed. He paced around and eyeballed the truffles in the window, and continued.
“So I’ve proposed this idea to the lovely Miss Warren to see if she’ll see the light and get out while she can. I’m thinking a strip joint,” he said and narrowed his eyes, then traced his hand abstractly through the air. “A stage there, rip out all these shelves and things, turn this whole front part into a bar, that kind of thing. Sex always sells, right?” he said and laughed at his own joke.
Emily didn’t move.
I tried to pretend to be interested in organizing the napkins and teaspoons on the counter, but my mind was racing. I couldn’t stamp out the violent fantasies bubbling up in my head – fantasies in which this Buck asshole got exactly what he deserved.
He looked irritated that he wasn’t getting a rise out of either of us.
“Hey, Captain Scrub Brush, what do you say? Emily’s not so keen, but I’m sure I could find a place for you, too” he said, hug idiot grin on his face as he looked me up and down. I’ve met a lot of assholes in my life, but this guy was something else.
“Leave him alone,” Emily said, finally lifting her head. “Buck, I said we could talk about all this later, we can make some arrangement, just please stop coming round to the shop, the customers will start coming in any second now.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. Was she actually submitting to this guy? I loudly threw the knives and forks into their container, dawdling just a little long than necessary with the knives… but I checked myself. I had already hurt her enough. If she needed my help, she’d say so. I couldn’t keep barging into things like this. I mean, she was gearing up to fire me the second this idiot walked out. He was smiling, first at me, then at her. I could almost feel the loathing radiating off of her. What ‘arrangement’?
“There’s a good girl,” he said under his breath, then impatiently drummed his fingers on the table. “It’s what’s best here, honestly. You’re making the right choice.” He took his time straightening his jacket lapels then sauntering out, but not before giving me a long, luxurious stare. Bragging. He was bragging. I caught his eye and he smiled at me, then tinkled out through the front door and disappeared.
The room felt so heavy. Emily made only the quietest sounds as she cried. Then all at once she sprang up violently off her chair, grabbed a coffee mug on the table beside her and hurled it crashing into the ground, sending splinters flying and a long, coffee brown stain arcing right across the bakery floor. We both stood staring at the teetering half cup as it careened to the edge of the room.
“Emily, what the hell. What’s going on? What arrangement? What have you done?” I blurted. I was almost as angry as she was. She stood blankly for a moment staring at the smashed mug, her chest heaving, her mouth twisted in some expression of disgust.
“Emily, please just tell me what’s going on.”
She spun to glare at me.
“What’s it to you?” she yelled. I took a step back.
“He’s the guy from the video,” I said, voice cold. She made no acknowledgment that she had heard me, she just paced slowly up and down, walking right through the spilt coffee.
“Buck. That’s’ the asshole who was spreading all that crap about you. He’s bad news, Emily. I don’t know what you think you’re doing with him, but you don’t need anything from a guy like that.”
“How do you know? Maybe his help is exactly what I need,” she spat.
“So what? You’re selling the bakery? Emily, I spoke to you just the other day, you were so excited about all the things we were going to do to fix this place up, don’t you remember? How can you let that all go?”
She marched over to the bakery door, flipped over the open/closed sign and then lowered the blinds.
“Can you keep your voice down, please? I’m not selling the bakery,” she said.
I threw my hands in the air.
“What the fuck, Emily? Then what?”
She sat down, stood up again, paced some more, sat down again. I’d never seen her this agitated before.
“Buck is an asshole, but he can help me. I can’t do this alone anymore.”
“But you’re not alone.”
She shot me a look prickling with tears.
“It’s better this way. I don’t want to lose the bakery. I just can’t sell it, it’s the only thing I have left. But I can’t keep it on my own. I’m in debt up to my eyeballs, Felix. Buck has offered to help me out, he’s offered to pay for the upgrades, to pay off my father’s debt.”
“And then what? What debt do you owe him?”
“He’s not a bad guy, he just wants a second chance with me,” she said, not looking like she even believed the words herself.
She was still crying. I couldn’t believe the nerve of this fucker. He dangled money over her head to save the bakery and still had the gall to threaten that he’d buy her out if she didn’t comply and take the one thing away from her he knew she couldn’t part with. It was sick. But more sick was the fact that she was going along with it. That she had never told me what was going on, never asked me for help.
“He doesn’t want a second chance, Emily, don’t be coy. He wants to fuck you. He wants to take advantage of you.”
“And so what if he does? So what if that’s all it is? I don’t get to be all high and mighty about that kind of thing anymore. I’m the town slut, in case you haven’t noticed, maybe that’s just the kind of thing I do now.”
I was at her side in an instant, grabbing both her shoulders firmly.
“Emily, listen to me, don’t you ever speak like that again,” I whispered to her. She shrugged.
“But it’s true, isn’t it?” she said. Great big, round tears were rolling over her red cheeks. I hated seeing her like this.
I squeezed her so tight I didn’t know if it was to stop her from crying or to stop me from starting. I looked her straight in the eyes.
“Emily, you have to let it go. Whatever happened with that asshole, that’s a long time ago, OK? You don’t have to keep punishing yourself forever for something that happened so long ago.”
She stared down at the floor, despondent.
“Emily? Are you listening to me?”
“None of it would have happened if you’d have just stayed,” she said, so quietly it sounded like a threat.
I released her. Her arms flopped down to her sides.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me.”
My ears were ringing.
“You left. I trusted you and you left. And then my dad left, too. I had nobody Felix. I trusted you and you left me to rot,” she said, still speaking to the floor.
“Emily, I’ve told you a million times that I’ve regretted that day ever since, you know I have. But what do you want me to do? You can’t blame me for everything that happened afterwards…”
“But I do.”
I took a deep breath and tried to think clearly.
“Then let me do something to help you. Then forgive me. Then let’s move on. Let’s fix this.”
“You can’t.”
“Emily, you have so many options, you don’t have to do business with that guy, for fucks’ sake, he’s just taking advantage, you’re so much better than this.”
“Am I? Or maybe this is who I am now.”
I was getting sick of this conversation and fast.
“I may have made some mistakes in my past, but I’m here, aren’t I? I’m here right now, trying to put it right.”
She said nothing. I couldn’t believe it. This was really happening? Of all the possible scenarios I had played out in my head all those long, lonely Mars nights, I had to admit that this was one I had never dreamed of. The Emily I knew used to be feisty. And principled. She could put a bully in his place with one look and wasn’t ever afraid to speak her mind. And though I hated to see her so compromised, I was mad that she was putting it all on me.
“So that’s it? You’re just going to ignore me?”
I stood up and made for the door. She didn’t budge.
“You know what Emily? I’m going to tell you something honestly here. This whole video thing of yours? The ‘town slut’ stuff? I don’t think that’s your real problem. In fact, I think you’re just using shit that happened five years ago as an excuse. Nobody even remembers any of that. Nobody cares anymore. You’re stuck in the past, Em. And as long as you don’t forgive yourself – and me! – then assholes like Buck are going to keep swarming around trying to take what they can from you. I’m done begging you to trust me again. But please Em, please don’t do something you’ll regret.”
My little speech had fallen on deaf ears. I spun on my heel and turned to leave, but then she straightened up and said, “you mean, sleep with him? Why don’t you just say that, that you’re jealous and you don’t want me to sleep with him?” she said. The look on her face shook me to the core. She was challenging me. Trying to hurt me. I said nothing, but just as I was about to leave I reached into my pocket and pulled out a pink envelope. I threw it down to the ground and it went flitting from side to side before landing in the spilt coffee. She watched it float down but said nothing.
“Goodbye, Emily,” I said, and left.
Chapter 12 - Emily
Being mad at Felix was hard. But every time I tried to call him or open his letter, I found that that was even harder. I don’t know when things got so messy. It seems like my life only ever comes in big, dramatic moments mixed in with long, sad stretches where nothing happens at all. The big joke, of course, was that Felix was right. I wasn’t the ‘town slut’. Truth be told, I wouldn’t even know what that looked like.