by KC Burn
Oh hell, not his dad too. Things were bad if his mom had roped in his dad on the grandchild guilt trip. He scanned for an appropriate escape route to anywhere he could be alone to get back his equilibrium. “I will.”
Instead of sticking around to chat with his dad, he took off toward the least crowded area of the yard.
Tía Rosa and Tío Alfonse had a few citrus trees in their yard, and they created a shaded little haven. Since most of his family would have only recently arrived, it was unlikely that anyone had sought out the solitude of the mini citrus grove. Of course, Caleb was the only one in the family who ever needed to escape the noise and bustle. Even his dad, who’d grown up with no family, thoroughly enjoyed every minute spent with the extended family.
The shade of the citrus trees provided protection from the sun, but the humidity of Florida’s summer meant there was no escape from the heat without air-conditioning or a fan. Plucking at the damp cotton of his T-shirt, Caleb could only be thankful that few of his family events required dressing up.
He leaned against a lemon tree and picked at the bark. He couldn’t stay out here forever, and yet he’d never been more reluctant to hang out with his family. Never been more certain his family would figure out his dark secret just by looking at him.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Caleb let out an unmanly shriek and jumped before turning to confront Jaime.
“Don’t fucking sneak up on me like that.”
Jaime rolled his eyes. “Seriously, what’s up?”
A shrug wasn’t much of an answer, but Caleb couldn’t articulate why he was so antsy, so uncomfortable. He was thirty-two; it wasn’t as though he hadn’t had years of practice perfecting the deception of straight man for his family.
“You didn’t tell me Alberto had a girlfriend.”
“Oh, that’s what’s got your panties in a twist. Come on, she’s nice. Might as well meet her and get it over with. It’s not like anyone can make you date one of her friends.”
Caleb cringed. Wouldn’t someone get suspicious if he didn’t ever allow his family to set him up? Prove to them he dated women?
Narrowing his eyes, Jaime peered at him. “You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”
“Maybe.” What harm could one little date do?
Jaime just shook his head in exasperation. “Then you definitely should meet her. I have a bit of advice for you. Straight men don’t act like they’re being led to the guillotine when someone offers to set them up with a pretty girl. So don’t go out there looking like you’re on death row.”
“Fine. Let’s go.” Nah, he didn’t have to go on some half-assed date with a woman. If he’d gone this long without anyone questioning him, there was no reason to rock the boat. But Jaime was right. He needed to at least give the appearance of considering it—to appease his mother, if nothing else.
As they made their way out of the trees, Caleb spied his grandmother sitting in a plush chair under an umbrella. First, he’d go say hello to Nana. That wasn’t procrastinating. Not at all.
CALEB WALKED into the kitchen, intending to get a lemonade refill for Nana, and found his aunts, Rosa and Carmelita, peering intently out the window at the backyard.
“That Jaime of yours, such a shame.” Carmelita tsked, and immediately Caleb stiffened. “He’s got the best of both of you and Alphonse. What a beautiful man he became, and with such an important job.”
Those words shouldn’t be said with any kind of sorrow, and yet there was no mistaking the disappointment in both of his aunts.
“I know, I know. He would make me such beautiful grandchildren, if only he weren’t gay.”
At least Rosa didn’t wrap the word gay in a veneer of disgust. Disappointment was… disappointing but probably better than he should expect.
“I know. Such a shame,” Carmelita agreed.
“I know, mi hermana, but at least we both have grandchildren, unlike poor Maria. I swear, that Caleb isn’t even trying to find a wife. At least Jaime has a good reason for not having children.”
A band of cold constricted Caleb’s chest tight enough that he wondered if he was still breathing, while his ears heated with a sudden influx of blood, making his pulse thunder like bongo drums. Listening to other people’s conversations was never a good thing, and he needed to stop them before he heard anything else about how he was maliciously refusing to give his mother grandchildren.
“Gay men can still have kids, you know.” Now Caleb was certain he was having a stroke. Or a brain aneurysm, because that was not the smartest thing to let fall out of his mouth.
Rosa and Carmelita gasped in unison and turned around.
“Caleb, I didn’t hear you come in.” Rosa’s words were smooth, and her tone held no hint of wariness, as though she and her sister-in-law hadn’t just been gossiping about him.
Carmelita, though, looked at him as though she’d never seen him before. What was he thinking? Not that he wasn’t right. Gay men weren’t stuck being childless, if that wasn’t what they wanted, but defending Jaime in that way wasn’t going to do him any favors. Not if he wanted to prevent any speculation, which he’d clearly not avoided as definitively as he’d thought only seconds ago.
Rosa didn’t bother responding to Caleb’s words and held out her hand. “Is that a refill for Mama? Let me get you some more lemonade.”
Caleb blinked and let Rosa bustle about the kitchen, stunned into silence. His family had been mostly accepting of Jaime when he’d come out, and although he knew Jaime’s parents would prefer he not be gay, they hadn’t shunned him or kicked him out or anything. But they’d never made it so glaringly obvious—at least to Caleb—that they viewed Jaime as aberrant. That it wasn’t possible for him to have a husband and kids, if that was what he wanted. Sure, several states were still struggling with the legality of same-sex parents and adoption, but that didn’t mean he or Jaime couldn’t make a family work.
Caleb had always wanted that—well, he still wasn’t sure about the kids—but he wanted a man he could make a life with. How he was going to do that without coming out to his family, he had no idea, but without a man on the horizon, it had never been an issue.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Jaime. Maybe that isn’t wise. It’s not like he can introduce you to nice girls.” Carmelita tilted her head, staring at him like he was a teenager bent on hell-raising.
Conflicting responses battled to escape. It wasn’t the first time one of his family members had said something similar. Jaime probably had more single female friends than any straight man Caleb knew, but somehow he knew his aunts wouldn’t consider them “nice” girls. Not marriage appropriate. But the implication that Jaime’s “gayness” was potentially contagious, or that maybe Caleb should reconsider hanging out with his best friend and cousin, was abhorrent, whether he was gay or not.
“Your mama isn’t getting any younger, you know. We know she’d love to see some grandkids before she’s too old to appreciate them.” Rosa’s words were a tacit agreement with Carmelita’s sentiment, and it sent bile into Caleb’s throat.
Not only was his entire family hell-bent on guilting him into getting married and knocking up some poor girl—Caleb barely suppressed a shudder—they had some really archaic views about gay people. He owed Jaime a drink or three to thank him for taking the hit for the two of them. After all, with Jaime to politely disapprove of, Caleb was in the clear. He felt even worse, because he had no intention of sharing the disapproval anytime soon.
In a split second, he reversed his earlier decision. He was going to have Alberto’s girlfriend set him up. One date wouldn’t hurt anything, and it would allay his family’s suspicions, as well as make his mama happy. With the iron control he usually maintained around his family, he managed to not tell them what he was planning, because right now, it would only make him sound defensive and suspicious.
Instead, he forced a smile on his face and held his hand out for Nana’s glass. “Thanks.”
>
He was going to find Alberto and whatever her name was, tell them he’d changed his mind about a blind date. Then as soon as he could sneak them out of there, he and Jaime were going to hit a club where Caleb could relax and be himself. If he managed to get laid, well, that would just be a bonus.
WITH NANA’S lemonade in hand, condensation from the cool glass dribbling down to moisten his fingers, Caleb headed to the small knot of cousins surrounding Alberto.
“Hey, Alberto. I hear you have someone to introduce me to.” Caleb gave the pretty girl a smile, because it wasn’t hard to tell who Alberto’s girlfriend was—she was the only stranger at the event.
Alberto’s smile was wide and happy and utterly besotted as he looked at the girl beside him.
“This is my girlfriend, Isabel.” Alberto’s tone was reverent, as though no one had ever had a girlfriend in the history of ever, but Caleb couldn’t be too pissed. He’d love to have a partner to be that proud of, proud to be seen with. “Isabel, this is another cousin, Caleb.”
They smiled at each other and exchanged simple pleasantries, and it wasn’t hard to tell they’d already been coached by the older women in the family, because Isabel immediately offered up a double date with one of her girlfriends.
Keeping his demeanor relaxed and normal took almost all his self-control. Maybe a double date would be easier to deal with, and one date with no chemistry would go a long way to appeasing the matchmaking hordes.
“Sounds good. I’m free most weekends.” Free, since he rarely made concrete plans. Any trips to gay bars could be maneuvered around this “date.” “Have Alberto text me with the details.”
Isabel started to expound on the qualities of her friend, whose name had been mentioned but never registered in Caleb’s mind. Pretending to be interested in this girl was going to take more preparation than he’d anticipated for a family event, and if he stayed any longer, his complete disinterest was going to become clear to everyone.
“I have to get this to Nana,” Caleb said as he lifted the now-dripping glass of lemonade. “But I trust Alberto’s judgment. I’m sure it’ll be fun.”
He spun on his heels and strode as quickly as he could for his grandmother’s chair.
Normally he could muster up a genuine smile for his nana, but after his discussion with his aunts, Alberto, and Isabel, he was too unsettled. For now, he was simply grateful Nana didn’t question him about his foul mood—and that there were no other family members nearby that he’d have to put on an act for. Because Jaime was right: setting up a date with a girl shouldn’t be like he was heading to his doom. Yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that this date signaled something important. A change in the wind, most likely nothing good.
He handed her the glass and dropped into the empty chair beside her. Spending time with his nana was a duty, a pleasure, and a blatant escape; likely no one would come bother them. Not when he was occupying the only other chair. His grandmother held court like this at most family events, disliking having to listen to a number of people talking around her since her hearing began to fail.
His nana sipped at her lemonade before setting it in the cup holder on her chair arm. Reaching out, she patted his arm with a hand gnarled by arthritis.
“Don’t you let them get you down, cariño,” she said gently.
Fuck. “What do you mean, Nana? I’m fine.” Fine. A stupid word, but a useful shield.
Nana narrowed her eyes, and Caleb realized this was the same woman his uncles claimed never let them get away with anything. They would joke, sometimes, that she was a witch, a bruja, but Caleb figured it was a mom thing, because his own mom always seemed to know when he was up to no good while he was a kid. Since he’d left home, though, his mom’s witchery had been rather less effective.
The silence lengthened and he shifted in his seat, the strangest urge to confess everything rising up in him. He even opened his mouth before he realized what he was about to do. Tell his nana he was gay? Forget conflicted; he must be clinically insane. His aunts, uncles, and parents were mostly tolerant of Jaime’s sexuality, but Nana was from another generation. She’d never shunned or censured Jaime, that Caleb knew of, but hell, maybe no one had bothered to tell her the truth. She might just think Jaime was theatrical or something.
“Really, I’m fine.” Another big fat lie, piling up on his karma.
“Cariño, I know every time you see family, someone hints that you need to get married. Have some bebés.”
She’d never dropped such hints, but not much got by her. Unless she was the source of all the pressure. Caleb stared at her, horrified that he’d never realized it before. Of course the pressure must come from her. Why else would the whole family have this obsession with procreation? Well, aside from the whole Catholic thing. Caleb had come to terms with his own interpretation of religion and faith a long time ago, when it seemed as though he and Jaime were abominations to their faith. But the rest of his family was fairly traditional, as far as he could tell. Not that he spent a lot of time discussing religion with them—it was only guaranteed to make him angry and depressed.
“Bebés are a gift. Marriage can be magical even while it’s hard work. But the important thing to remember is that you have to want it. Otherwise it can make your heart shrivel up and die.”
Caleb’s eyebrows rose at the underlying vehemence in his nana’s words.
“It’s not that I don’t want to get married. But I haven’t found the right one yet.” The effort of using a gender neutral word was more difficult today than normal.
“I know you haven’t.” Another gentle pat calmed him somewhat. “Don’t rush. The right one will come along, and you’ll know it. Everything will fall into place.”
His eyes burned and he blinked rapidly. If he found the right one, he’d be screwed six ways to Sunday, because how could he ask a guy to marry him when he was afraid to come out to his family?
“Thanks, Nana,” he whispered, afraid his fear would be heard if he spoke any louder.
He wasn’t going to be able to hold it together much longer. Jaime better be ready to leave as soon as possible after dinner. Caleb frowned. He wasn’t going to restrict his friendship with Jaime, but he might have to play it even cooler while at family events. Which sucked, but texting would save him.
Caleb patted his pockets and groaned. He’d plugged his phone into the charger in the truck, and he’d left it there while he fiddled with the gift and bag of pastries.
“Nana, I have to go get my phone.”
“Go on, I’ll be fine.” She smiled contentedly and waved him off.
Instead of going through the house, Caleb loped around the side and vaulted over the low hedge. Rosa didn’t like it when they did that, but Caleb wasn’t risking another run-in with a family member.
“Dammit.” His phone blinked with a number of messages, both text and voice. He snatched his phone off the dashboard and flicked through them. Three units down at the same hotel. Replacing those when the hotel owner finally got his thumb out of his butt and budgeted for it was going to make his year. As long as he got his ass over there immediately. Fortunately for his job, the messages had all come in over the last thirty minutes, so he wasn’t in danger of pissing anyone off.
He fired off a quick text message to Jaime.
Got called in for work. You okay for a ride home?
While he waited for a response, he started up his truck and opened the windows, letting the sauna-like atmosphere trapped inside the cab disburse.
Dude! What about dinner?
I know, but this can’t wait.
With his stomach so twisted in knots, he wasn’t interested in food anyway. The stress of the afternoon had eradicated all of his hunger.
I’ll catch a lift with Alberto & Isabel. Gallo Club later?
Tension seeped out of his chest. Jaime probably needed to let off steam just as much as Caleb did.
YES! Text me with a time. Tell everyone why I left?
A little thum
bs-up emoticon appeared on his screen, and this time his smile came easy. Maybe this was the coward’s way out, but since he was planning to be cowardly for the rest of his life, he might as well get used to it. After all, he’d already caved on the blind date. As the years went by, his backbone became even more rubbery.
Chapter SIX
RAVEN PACED the narrow confines of the room. Frowning, he shoved the chair and desk into the corner by the sliding glass door. The room wasn’t even big enough to properly pace. He glanced at the phone, then back at the mirror.
He must have been mad, utterly mad to have done this. He’d wasted money on a hotel room for nothing. Shit. And yet, this weekend had been the first time in over a year that another man had stirred something below his belt.
“I’m so stupid.” Raven flung himself face down on the bed. What had he been expecting to happen? Even if he’d been able to manipulate events to put him and the handyman in the same place at the same time, recreate the heady sensuality of that unexpected meeting… what would happen then? Raven hadn’t changed his mind about getting naked with anyone. He planned to never have sex again—he should be finding a seminary, not trying to entice a probably straight man into his room.
No matter what, he was going to have a dent in his bank account for this ridiculous stunt. He hadn’t come out and told his friends and coworkers that he’d sworn off sex, but they had to know. How could they not? Even after he was supposedly healed, he hadn’t gone back to work, aside from his few attempts behind the camera, and he could no longer stand the normal touchy-feely intimacy of casual kissing and hugging that many of the models engaged in off set.
Nevertheless, a former porn model swearing off sex had to be a shock to most of them, even though no one aside from his boss had tried to discuss the situation with him. Surprisingly, Stefan Silverman, the owner of Idyll Fling, hadn’t even tried to get him back on set. Stefan had seemed genuinely worried about him, but Raven hadn’t opened up to him. Someone at the studio would have given him a friendly hand job, no question, if he’d asked, but he hadn’t even revealed to Stefan the extent of his scarring, or the reduction in his mobility. Hadn’t confided how much it had eroded the self-worth he’d clawed back into his possession after he’d been kicked out of his home by his mom.