Comment posted bv Woody: You sound like one horny little MILF, Desperate. I do like ‘em pregnant and I’m rubbing myself now thinking how I’d take care of you in ways your lame ass husband couldn’t dream of. Any chance of posting some jpegs of your sweet self?
Gotta go and “take care of business,” babe. Back soon.
Comment posted bv AuschwitzIsALie: Have you got the name/address/e-mail of your husband’s grandmother? I think she might be interested in my book, The Holocaust Myth: They Weren’t Crematoria; They Were Giant Pizza Ovens, which has been removed from Amazon in an outrageous denial of free expression and simply proves that Amazon is a key player in the global Zionist conspiracy.
Comment posted by Woody: COMMENT REMOVED BY MODERATOR.
Monday
Mood: self-aware
From: Dotty Podidra
To: All Staff
Sent: 19 January 2009, 10.47
Subject: Amazing Personality Test!
This is really spooky, but it totally worked for me! It’s Tibetan and therefore deeply spiritual and it’s personally recommended by the Dalai Lama! It’s only fifty questions and, honestly, it’s half an hour so well spent because it will totally reveal your true inner self. And if you make a wish and then pass this on to all your friends, it will come true. The Dalai Lama says so!
Just click on karmarama.net/flash/test.html
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: All Staff
Sent: 19 January 2009, 10.55
Subject: Even More Amazing Personality Test!
The UNCANNY accuracy of this test has been SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIED by people wearing THICK SPECTACLES and LAB coats. Fact: if you take this test and pass it on to five close friends and also to five sworn enemies, your friends (and you!!!) will become obscenely rich while your enemies will die agonizing deaths caused by diseases that doctors thought had disappeared in medieval times.
Don’t delay. Take this incredible personality test immediately. You will be totally FLABBERGASTED.
But first—like, duh!—you have to make a wish.
Now scroll down ...
... but not all the way to the bottom—obviously! Don’t want to give away the answer too soon, do we?
Here’s the big question. Ask yourself ...
... “Do I really need to take yet another imbecilic e-mail personality test to find out who I am?”
If you answered “yes,” you’re an even bigger arse than I am for wasting my time writing this shit.
Don’t tell me you’re still scrolling ...
... and scrolling ...
... as if you’re going to reach the bottom and find some nugget of timeless wisdom. No, all that reaching the bottom will tell you is that ...
... you really are a gormless fucker.
From: Alex Sofroniou
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 19 January 2009, 12.03
Subject: Formal Warning
Dear Mr. O’Keefe
The IT Department has received 27 complaints about your all-staff e-mail regarding “Even More Amazing Personality Test!” sent today at 10.55 a.m.
26 of the complaints concerned your use of the F word.3 I am obliged to remind you that the Meerkat360 Code of Conduct explicitly prohibits the use of foul and abusive language in electronic communications.
This is your first formal written warning. A second warning will lead to immediate removal of employee internet privileges.
Tuesday
Mood: only slightly more delusional than usual
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 08.57
Subject: El Crutto
Your boss just arrived and he missed the lift door twice. Think he’s still suffering from double vision after his little knock. You might want to keep him away from sharp corners. Or possibly not. Depends how much he’s been getting on your tits lately.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.13
Subject: hekp
comr amd helpp ne wuth ny emaol. i camt ficus om ny keeboarf.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Milton Keane
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.17
Subject: Prezzy
Hi, sweetz. Did you find the passion fruit Danish I left on your desk? I saw it in the patisserie and it literally screamed “Milton” at me!
Sooz xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.18
Subject: Meeting
Thought it would be a good idea to schedule a catch-up on general developments. The acquisition of the GIT business places us in a strong financial position in what threatens to be the worst recession since the collapse of the Phoenician Empire and maybe we can think about strengthening personnel in key positions. (This is not an excuse to embark on a frenzy of hiring jugglers, contortionists and dialogue coaches, Ted.)
Also, Diageo wants to brief us on the UK launch of Ketel One. It’s a premium Dutch vodka, so a fact-finding trip to Holland may be necessary.
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.19
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attending Shit Yourself Thin: Nature’s Road to Holistic Wellness. I will return on Wednesday 21st Jan.
If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on [email protected]
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.23
Subject: Re: Prezzy
Got the pastry, thanks. Also got the JPG socks, the subscription to L’Uomo Vogue and the Harvey Nicks vouchers. Thanx, Sooz, but it’s all too much! Had a peek under my bandage this morning and I think the bump is going to look 100% butch. Reckon you’ve actually done me a favor. YOU ARE SO FORGIVEN!
Milt xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.41
Subject: Sighting
How did it go with Lorraine on Friday? I take it from your cyber silence that you’re either in Vegas for the Elvis-sanctified wedding or she killed you. There really is no middle way with you, is there?
You’d better check this out. He’s been harder to track down than Big Foot, but a bored evening of aimless Googling turned this up. We’ve found our man.
blogwatch.com
Posted by Cybergaze
17/01/09, 15.04 GMT
Le Twat
So the other day I was going through some expat blogs to see if there’s anything tasty. A dull, dull job. Let’s face it, no one wanted to listen to these people when they were in the UK, which is why they became expats. But it’s got to be done because you never know where you’ll unearth a gem out there in the blogosphere.
I was reaching the point where the thought of pulling out my own fingernails to a soundtrack of Pink was preferable to reading another post about the difficulty of getting PG Tips tea in Cyprus/a plumber in Poland (they’re all in North London, you dork) when I found The One. In all my thousands of blog trawls, I’ve never come across a Serial Virgin—a string of posts unread by anyone anywhere. And this one’s a biggy: 81 posts to date, ignored by the entire population of cyberspace. Until I came along.
The blogger is a Brit holed up in the Dordogne. He calls himself Hornblower. An initial skim revealed him to be a pretentious arse prone to slipping pointlessly into French. So far, so what? There are countless self-important cocks out there who think the world owes them a hearing. What makes this one special? It’s the untranslated conversations with Papin, his gardener/house boy. My French is feeble, but my antennae were twitching. Something about Papin’s tone (and his frequent use of se faire foutre, as in foutre off) intrigued. Further invest
igation was warranted. I turned to my mate Devon, the only supermarket security guard I know with a degree in French (yes, it’s a biggie, this recession). It was about time he put it to use.
I was right to be curious. Papin is a sewer-mouthed genius who’s found the perfect fall guy in Hornblower. Read for yourself at blogass.co.uk/hornblower, but arm yourself with a good dictionary of French slang. In the meantime, here are some recent highlights to whet your appetite.
Post 79:
Papin tips up to work and greets Hornblower with, “You still poncing around in your pyjamas, my English arsehole?” Then he asks, “Where is your bitch?” The “bitch,” it turns out, is Hornblower’s wife, Celine, and she has returned to England. Papin commiserates. “She was good,”* he says, “I’ll miss her fat tits.” Papin ends the conversation with, “You are a lonely and pathetic cunt. Go fuck yourself.”
(*Devon tells me that “bonne” in the phrase “Elle était bonne” literally means “good,” but should be taken in this context as meaning “a good fuck.”)
Post 80:
Feeling like a true Frenchy, Hornblower takes us out and about, stopping off at the cheese shop where he comes across Mme Poincare. She is clearly Papin’s female counterpart because she introduces him to her assistant as “my English queer,” before ordering the girl to serve our man with “the shittiest stuff.” When Hornblower returns home with his rank purchase, we have my favorite Papin-ism: “I see she sold you the stuff that smells like an Arab’s wank.”
Post 81:
Hornblower and Papin are chewing the fat over a bottle of pricey dessert wine. “London must be full of sad cunts like you,” Papin says. “Do you miss it?” Hornblower gives this some thought and decides that, on balance, he doesn’t. “Fucking hell,” Papin explodes, “if twats like you keep coming to the Dordogne, I’ll have to move to London.” Hornblower tells Papin he wouldn’t cope in the Big Sophisticated City, but the old boy, naturellement, has the final word: “At least I’ll be able to eat your wife’s pussy.” Hornblower’s blogs are a triumphant Tour de Filth, yet he remains oblivious to every disgusting reference. Go explore, blog watchers, and have fun.
From: Donald Gold
To: Liam O’Keefe, Harvey Harvey
Cc: Ted Berry, David Crutton, Kazu Makino
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.47
Subject: Presentation materials for Project Recruit
As you know, GIT are flying in from Virginia next Monday to see your excellent Mini Montana campaign. Before I leave for Rio, here is a comprehensive and hopefully final list of the areas we need to cover off in terms of creative.• Packaging mock-ups-need the twenty-, ten- and five-pack variants
• Posters and press ads—Kazu has full list of markets where tobacco advertising is still legal
• POS materials—window stickers, shelf wobblers, branded signage
• Low-level retail displays
• Screen grabs for Club Penguin-style website
• Ice-cream-van stickers
• Creative for Hannah “The Montana Gal” Montana campaign
• School-gate “goody packs”—Azerbaijani and Ugandan versions only (last two countries where such promotion is still legally permitted)
Any questions, I’m on e-mail. I’m back in the office on Friday morning and I’ll check in with you then. Have fun, guys.
Donald Gold
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 20 January 2009, 09.48
Subject: Tag Watch
I’m due in conference in ten minutes. Can you take up residence in my office and keep an eye on Tamara’s movements via the tag monitor? I’ve got a printout of her school timetable so you can tell where she should be at any given moment. I’ve also drawn up a list of pretexts under which you can pull me out of my meeting should she veer off campus.
And if you have a spare moment, look into the availability of tag devices with a remote facility for administering a mild electric shock. They may not be on the open market, but try asking Diana Fleiss. She worked on the team that represented Pinochet in his extradition case. She may have useful contacts with less scrupulous rightwing organizations who are familiar with such hardware.
From: Paula Sterling
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.01
Subject: Aagh!
JC put me on daughter surveillance. Feel like I’m in the Stasi. Not what I signed up for. I swear, any more of this and I’m getting her sectioned. I know the law!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.07
Subject: Re: Aagh!
DC getting worse too. Double vision a nightmare! He’s having a meeting with our creative director, but he’s talking to the kentia palm!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.10
Subject: Interns?
Any interns free to spend the day steering our chief exec clear of corners and doorframes?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.19
Subject: Re: Sighting
Well done, Bloodhound Brett. That is definitely Simon Horne, as good a match as any DNA sample. And how is it possible that he’s even more of a tosser in exile than he was in London? What do we do with the information? It’s not like there’s an FBI reward on him. (By the way, any Al Qaeda types down your way I could claim an FBI reward on? Slightly strapped at the moment.) I suppose we could viral his blogs to everyone in Adland, at least give everyone who’s had the misfortune to work for him a retributive laugh.
Didn’t go well with Lorraine. She turned up with her mate Debbie (remember her? Big laugh, big tits, pretty much big everything) and they ganged up on me. They held me responsible for more or less all the crimes committed on women by men. I’ll cop to my share, but the Rape of the Sabines, I was definitely washing my hair that night. I was lucky to leave the pub alive and it took me most of the weekend to recover. Managed to summon up the energy on Sunday to place a small wager on Chelsea/Stoke C. Two goals in the last two minutes! Lampard’s a cunt.
Liam
PS: Seriously, are there any rag-head terrorists in your neck I could get a reward on? Keep your eyes peeled. We’ll go halves.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.28
Subject: Re: Sighting
Things sound bad. Just how strapped are you?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.30
Subject: Re: Sighting
You don’t want to know.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.32
Subject: Re: Sighting
Oh, but I do. You owe me £1,500. I’m never going to see it, am I?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.39
Subject: Re: Sighting
It’s unlikely.
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.44
Subject: Re: Sighting
Spill the beans then. How much are you in for?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Brett Topolski
Sent: 20 January 2009, 10.48
Subject: Re: Sighting
Do I have to do this?
From: Brett Topolski
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