I’ll phone around, see if I can track him down. I’ll let you know.
Best,
Bill
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 26 January 2009, 16.59
Subject: Re: Noah
David, you seem to be forgetting how well I know you. The day you clear your diary, even for an afternoon, in order to deal with a family emergency, will be the day the devil laces up his skates because hell has frozen over. Knowing you, you probably delegated poor Dotty to look for Noah. God knows why she’s stuck with you for so long.
Come to that, God knows why I’ve stuck with you for longer still. Nineteen years! Don’t worry though, we won’t be celebrating our twentieth.
I’ve been pregnant for a matter of a few weeks. How dare you run out of patience? After I’ve shown nothing but patience for nineteen years of rampant temper tantrums, unbridled workoholism and chronic non-engagement with family life. And after I patiently nursed you through rehab and then reconstructive rhinoplasty after your extended “dalliance” with a certain powder.
How fucking dare you?
In short, no, you can’t come home. For your information, it is no longer your house too. Or in the words of sweet Tam’s favorite band Glasvegas, “Fuck you, it’s over.”
Janice
PS: Tam didn’t get your flowers. She wouldn’t have noticed them anyway, being as she is heavily sedated. I’m sitting by her bed now. An IV line is going into her arm. Just looking at it makes me well up, but at least it’s a constant reminder of what an irresponsible, uncaring idiot her father is.
PPS: On the matter of it no longer being your house, I wouldn’t challenge it if I were you. Bear in mind that I’m a good friend of Fiona Shackleton, who you might recall did a superb job for Paul McCartney. And she doesn’t like you any more than she did Heather Mills.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.01
Subject: Leave me alone
No calls or disturbances from anyone, including you. Except get me a bottle of vodka from the special cupboard. Then no disturbances.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.08
Subject: You
What’s happening? I’m worried about you. Liam is on the most-wanted list and has gone AWOL. Now I’m scared you’ve been sent to Guantánamo with Don. Get in touch.
From: Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.11
Subject: Re: You
Everything brill. Can’t talk. Got to get ready for a press conference. Check the news sites!
Kaz
PS: Barack rocks. I so wanna have his babies!
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.12
Subject: Urgent call
I know you don’t want to be disturbed, but I’ve got the US ambassador on the phone. He says it’s important. I imagine you’ll want to take it?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.20
Subject: More urgent calls
I know you said the last call was to be the absolutely final disturbance, but I’ve got NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN, and the BBC on hold. Shall I put them through?? One at a time, obviously!
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.21
Subject: Anyone seen Milton Keane?
I’ve got a Philip Edgar-Jones on the line for him. Says it’s important. Something to do with the telly. He’s a lovely Scottish bloke, so I don’t mind keeping him chatting if someone can be arsed to find the diva.
Róisín
Reception
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.23
Subject: Anyone seen Milton Keane?
A Sky News truck has tipped up. A bit of a wild guess this, but is the gay tit on the ledge again? I’ve still got my lovely Scotty on the phone for him. He just told me his wife is from Fermanagh. I knew he had taste and judgment!
Róisín
Reception
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.24
Subject: Re: Anyone seen Milton Keane?
Sky are here to interview David. Send them up. And yes, Milton is on the ledge. But for God’s sake don’t tell the Scottish man!
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.26
Subject: Now everyone can see Milton Keane!
Hooray! Milton is break-dancing on the window ledge again and Sky is getting the scoop!! Get out there and cheer him on. Hurry though, because after one near-death today, we might be moments away from the real thing.
Róisín
Reception
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.31
Subject: Even more urgent calls
Will you take a call from The Times? Sky are held up. They’re filming in the street outside. I should probably tell you that Milton Keane is on the ledge again. BBC on their way. Told them to avoid the crowd and come round the back.
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.39
Subject: Liam
He just texted me. Says he’s at river. Really scared he’s going to do something dumb. Like jump. Help!
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.43
Subject:
Go outside immediately and tell idiots to stop singing. There is a life at stake!
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.44
Subject: Re: Liam
Can’t believe it. I’m sitting at my desk while outside an idiot (not Liam!) is about to jump off a window ledge. Any idea which bit of the river? Did you have a romantic spot somewhere??
SMS:
Lorraine: Tell me where you are. Waterloo Bridge?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.47
Subject: Re: Liam
We once walked over Waterloo Bridge and I made him stop because I liked the view of St. Paul’s. It was freezing and he got really pissed off. Hardly romantic, but the only thing I can think of. Just asked him, but he won’t reply.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.48
Subject: Re: Liam
Waterloo is packed at this time of day. If he’s on the parapet, someone will have seen him and called the cops. Can you get down there? Where are you?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.49
Subject: Re: Liam
Shepherds Bush. At least half an hour away.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.50
Subject: Liam
I’m minutes away. I’ll go. Text him and tell him I’ve gone to look for him. Call me. 07231 054 280
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.53
Subject: Re: Liam
Going now. Please don’t worry about him. No one else on the planet gets himself out of the shit quite like Liam.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.54
Subject: Emergency!!
If he’s still on phone, tell Scottish man to call Milton’s mo
bile immediately! Unless he has bad news. In that case, tell him not to call under any circs!!
From: Dotty Podidra
To: All Staff
Sent: 26 January 2009, 17.55
Subject: We’re on TV!
Assuming you manage to get home in time, tune into the 10 o’clock news on BBC1. David is going to be on!!
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: All Staff
Sent: 26 January 2009, 18.07
Subject: Latest Milton alert
Fireman Sam is here again. In case you don’t already know the form, he says no one should use the front exit unless they want a ten-stone homosexual on their head.
Róisín
Reception
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 26 January 2009, 22.18
Subject:
You’ll be pleased to know that we have TVs in hospital and that I didn’t miss your appearance on the news. It’s so reassuring to know that while I’m keeping vigil beside our unconscious daughter and while our son is in God knows what trouble, you can at least console yourself with a bravura performance of staggering pomposity.
You really are a towering twat, David.
Janice
PS: The watching millions no doubt have been fooled, but I know you better than anyone and I know when you’re lying. It’s all in the eyes, isn’t it?
Sent from my BlackBerry
bbc.co.uk/news
British terror suspect released
Just six days after his inauguration, President Barack Obama ordered the release of Donald Gold, the Briton recently arrested in Brazil.
Gold’s release was announced by the President at an unscheduled press conference this afternoon. Earlier he had agreed to meet Kazu Makino, a colleague of Gold’s at the London advertising agency Meerkat360. Makino had flown to Washington to lobby for his release.
Gold was arrested five days ago in Rio de Janeiro. Despite being Jewish, he was suspected of having links to Al Qaeda. The Brazilian authorities handed him over to the CIA, who flew him to an unspecified location, thought to be Guantanamo Bay.
President Obama said: “I knew nothing of Donald Gold’s plight until Ms. Makino came to see me. When she told me the story I was appalled. It shone a revealing light on the fear and paranoia that has gripped our great nation in recent years. After confirming the details with my national security advisors, I immediately ordered Mr. Gold’s release. Let this symbolize the change that is going to mark my administration.”
Standing alongside the president, Makino said: “I knew that as long as I could get someone in authority to listen to the facts, Don would be OK. I am hugely grateful to the president for agreeing to see me, and for listening with such patience and kindness. Now I can’t wait to see Don again and take him home.”
In London, Gold’s colleagues were jubilant. David Crutton, the CEO of Meerkat360, said: “I am absolutely ecstatic. Securing Don’s release has been my number-one priority. I didn’t for one second believe there was any merit in the ridiculous terrorist accusations. As soon as he was arrested, I dispatched my most trusted aide, Kazu Makino, to Washington and we liaised closely to secure this outcome. I am delighted that our efforts have put an end to Don’s ordeal and that soon we can welcome him back to work, where he belongs.”
Other top stories: Waterloo Bridge suicide dive (video)
Nigerian police name dead British tourist
Fans injured at Helsinki rock concert
Publishers invade Dordogne
Expat elopes with Arab princess
Tuesday
Mood: au gratin
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry, Caroline Zitter
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.11
Subject: Review
With GIT about to kick off, we should review timings and resources. My office at 10? And before you ask, Ted, you can’t go on a creative hiring binge. I don’t care how many men down you are. We are in the worst recession since the Black Death. Make do with what you’ve got. Can’t the clown and the busker write ads?
From: Caroline Zitter
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.12
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office attending 7 Steps to Corporate Domination with Jo O’Meara and H (from Steps). I will return on Wednesday 28th January.
From: Ted Berry
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.15
Subject: Re: Review
Can we make it 12.30? Snowed under. Bit short-handed. But you know that.
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.19
Subject: Re: Review
12.30 is fine. By the way, can you get someone to knock up a “Welcome Home” banner for reception? I’m expecting Gold and the Jap to fly in some time this afternoon and we need to make the right noises.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.25
Subject:
Hi. Just a quick one to see how you’re doing. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help—Bill
From: Bill Geddes
To: Donald Gold
Cc: Kazu Makino
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.29
Subject: Welcome to freedom!
Hi Don. Spent the night at St. Thomas’ Hospital (a long and bizarre story), but managed to watch your release on News 24. Opened a celebratory can of Pepsi Max when you appeared at the plane door. The orange jumpsuit wasn’t you, though. Have you got your own clothes back yet? And your BlackBerry? And what about the Esmée Éloge boards?! You know it’ll be the first thing DC will ask you about when you get back.
We’ve all been rooting for you here. Well, everyone except DC. He knows how to turn it on for the cameras, doesn’t he? We’re well chuffed that you’re out (Kaz, you’re a phenomenon! How the hell did you do it? You and Barack, eh?!!). Hurry home. Lots to tell you. Creatives have been dropping like flies. Literally. It’s been devastating.
Bill
From: Brett Topolski
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.37
Subject: Aladdin
He’s gone. Done a moonlight skedaddle with Princess Jasmine, probably on a magic carpet because fuck knows how he’d have got her through the airport. The place is up in arms. They’re clamping down on all expats, which (in case they hadn’t noticed) is most of the fucking population. Rumor has it that Jim Davidson has been arrested because he’d agreed to be Vince’s best man. I’m bereft. Vince was a complete pain in the arse, but he was my pain in the arse and I miss him.
And where are you? Fuck knows.
I’m so lonesome I could cry.
Brett
From: Ted Berry
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.40
Subject: Harvey
You’ll have heard about the tragic death of Harvey Harvey. He was a stand-up fella and a copywriter with a unique voice. He understood that true creativity involves taking it to the very edge and then some. Perhaps that’s why he was found face down in a Nigerian river, though I suspect we’ll never know the truth. His trade campaign for Trebor Extra Strong Mints will live on as a fitting memorial.
There will be a minute’s silence at 12.00 and I will be hosting a drink to his memory in the Romper Room at 5.30. I’ll be serving Harvey’s favorite drink.
From: Ted Berry
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.41
Subject: Drinks order
Get in ten cases of Orangina for tonight. And some other stuff. Let’s make it a bit of a do.
From: Donald Gold
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 09.45
Subject: Re: Welcome to freedom!
Good to hear from you, Bill. It’s grand to be free again to
o. Now there’s an understatement. I am forever in Kaz’s debt. She was amazing, wasn’t she? We’re at Dulles waiting for our flight. She’s popped off to get me some tranqs for the journey, though I don’t think it’ll be necessary. This whole experience has toughened me up and suddenly flying holds little fear! Oh well, they say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, don’t they?
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