Despite their entreaties, my mind was quickly made up. I began to formulate the polite but firm non merci with which I would send them on their way.
Papin finally stirred and, fetchingly dressed in Celine’s silken kimono, surveyed the assembled literati. He raised an owlish eyebrow and in his style inimitable muttered, “Quel groupe des cons. Ils sont exactement comme toi, ma salope. Allez tous vous faire enculer à Londres!”
Once again it took mon ami sage to make everything clear. He was right. If our troubled world’s increasingly beleaguered citizens need me to provide them with une mesure of solace garnished with un soupçon of earthy Gallic insight, then who am I to begrudge them?
But which imprint deserves my favor? I am spoilt for choice. One editrice, though, is in prime position, if only because I pitied the very sight of her. Such was her determination to sign me that she camped the entire nuit glacée on my doorstep. The poor mite was hypothermic and she had to be taken to l’hôpital. I fear that the damage wreaked by l’hiver cruel will enforce her retirement as une nageuse synchronisée.
Monsieur Bloomsbury can flaunt his Harry Potter swag all he likes. Dear Katie’s devotion to mes mots humbles has won mon coeur.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 11.59
Subject: Minute’s silence
Ted has asked me to remind you that the minute’s silence in memory of Harvey Harvey will commence in sixty seconds.
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Assistant to Ted Berry
From: Róisín O’Hooligan
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.00
Subject: Re: Minute’s silence
Phones are going mental. Can I answer them or do I have to wait till the minute’s over?
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Róisín O’Hooligan
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.00
Subject: Re: Minute’s silence
Better wait. Only 13 seconds to go!
From: Pertti Van Helden
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.01
Subject: Phenomenatic coinciment!
Hello Dave, my old friend! After all years what a surprise I am finding the reason for e-mail and in not the happy situation also. Yes, I have concerned news to told to you.
I begin the begin. Last the night my son Veiko and his power hair metal rock band Dethrush play Helsinki. As the legendary head-smasher from long ago, once again I put on the spandex pant and join the mash pit. I do not mind to told I have not danced the same since Aqua sing its song in a creative pitch you might be recalling! Everything go groovy and Veiko do the tradition crowd surf. This is where the matter go a small bit wrong. Veiko land on his old father and though I have excellent top-body strengths thank you to train for the Finland Strongest Man Over 50 competition, I fall and I start a domino of hard rock fans to fall also to the floors!
To cut the story shortly, a few fans were make injured and four go the hospital. Myself I have the dislocation finger that make type e-mail very slow and painedful! One young fan has the big bang to the head. There is something recognizable about him that I cannot place on the finger. I ask him the name but he not remembered. Bang has gave him the amnesty. I look his pocket and find passport. I cannot believe my eye! He look exact same as the father!
Yes, he is Noah. Natural, when I leave the hospital I take him with and he recover in my apartments. I am fill of the hope that a strong meal of raw herring will have him again the memorize. It is very amazing fish and maybe you hear I leave the advertising to make the promote of its incredible superpowers.
I think that Noah is not too well to travel and you must come to here to take home. You are very most welcome, natural. I put in the freezer a bottle of herring oil vodka to toast our reunitation!
Pertti Van Helden
TheHeroicHerring.com
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.03
Subject:
What’s my diary look like?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.04
Subject: Re:
Big and black with “DIARY” on the front (in gold). Why?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.05
Subject: Re:
Jesus fuck.
WHAT EVENTS AND APPOINTMENTS DO I HAVE WRITTEN DOWN IN MY DIARY THAT ARE SCHEDULED TO TAKE PLACE BETWEEN NOW AND THE END OF THE DAY?
Capisce?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.06
Subject: Re:
Sorry. Here you go:
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.07
Subject: Re:
Cancel everything. Get me on earliest flight to Helsinki.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.08
Subject: Re:
Helsinki??
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.09
Subject: Re:
It’s the capital of Finland.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.10
Subject: Re:
Right. Why do you need to go there?
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.11
Subject: Re:
If it’s any of your fucking business, because Noah is there. But you’d know that already if you’d got off your lazy fucking butt and found the idiot.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.12
Subject: Re:
Sorry. I’m on it now.
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.13
Subject: Health and safety
Due to the discovery of a dead salamander in Tank 2, the SenzDep Think Tanks™ have been shut down until further notice. The manufacturer has been contacted and will be making a thorough investigation.
Until their inquiries are completed, anyone wishing to achieve an altered state of solitary karmic bliss should see Róisín on reception. She has been issued with a supply of earplugs and airline-style sleep masks.
Thank you for your cooperation.
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.14
Subject: Interns?
Could I have an intern to remove the dead salamander from Tank 2?
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.15
Subject: Carla Evans
Just to let everyone know that Carla has had to go home with suspected salamander poisoning.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.16
Subject: Helsinki
Earliest I could get:
You need to leave right away.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.17
Subject: Re: Helsinki
Business class?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.18
Subject: Re: Helsinki
It’s BizzyJet. Don’t think they do business class. You can pay extra to get a blanket though. You really have to go now.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.19
Subject: Re: Helsinki
Book cab to Heathrow.
From: Dotty
Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.20
Subject: Re: Helsinki
Are you sure? Flight goes from Stansted.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.21
Subject: Re: Helsinki
Fuck’s sake. Remind me to fire you when I get back.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.22
Subject: Re: Helsinki
OK. Cab’s here in two. Packed your passport, spare toothbrush and emergency jim-jams. Good luck!
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.36
Subject: FYl...
... after having cleared yesterday afternoon’s and this morning’s diaries, and having been up the full night searching for our son, I have found him. Noah is in Helsinki. He was injured at a rock concert. Would he have run away had his father not left home (not, it must be stated for the record, of his own volition)? That is a question for others to decide, possibly a judge in the Family Division of the High Court.
I am leaving now for Finland to bring him home. My bag is packed and my flight is booked. Don’t try to talk me out of it. If in your bitterness you can bring yourself to do it, give my love to Tam. I’d have done so in person, if you hadn’t refused to tell me which hospital she is in.
From: Dotty Podidra
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.37
Subject: Re: Helsinki
Cab’s here. You can’t afford to be late. BizzyJet operates a strict first come, first serve policy for seat allocation and they’re notorious for overbooking. Did you see Airport Airheads on Channel 5?
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.40
Subject: Re: FYl...
What do you mean, “injured?” Is he in hospital? You can’t just leave it like that. I’m worried stupid as it is. How the hell is he? Tell me, David.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.41
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office. Please direct inquiries to dotty @ meerkat360.co.uk
From: Janice Crutton
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.46
Subject: Re: FYl...
Answer me, David. I know you don’t go anywhere without your BlackBerry. You sleep with it under your pillow. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that you set your alarm for 4.00 a.m. so you can check your inbox. Jesus, you even wrapped it in a Ziploc bag and took it swimming when we were on holiday. Just bloody answer me.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: David Crutton
To: Janice Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.47
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply
I am out of the office. Please direct inquiries to [email protected]
From: David Crutton
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.49
Subject: GIT
Sorry about ducking out of the review. I’m en route to Finland on a family matter. You know my views on so-called “compassionate leave,” and normally I wouldn’t hesitate to have myself fired, but my son is there and he has amnesia. More worrying, he is in the care of a fuckwit of the highest order and I have to extricate him before he’s initiated into a herring-worshipping religious cult.
As per usual, if anything needs my attention, I am reachable by phone or e-mail 24/7. I expect to return tomorrow. Will keep you advised.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.50
Subject: O’Keefe
How’s da patient?
From: David Crutton
To: Pertti Van Helden
Sent: 27 January 2009, 12.53
Subject: Re: Phenomenatic coinciment!
Good to hear from you, Pertti. It goes without saying that I’m enormously grateful to you for letting me know of Noah’s situation.
It also goes without saying that I hold you and your son fully responsible for his injuries. If he has suffered any long-term damage, I have access to not only the very finest neurologists but also the most sadistic lawyers. With their assistance, I will descend on you and your entire nation of fucked-up liberal herring lovers with a force that will make the Soviet invasion of ’39 look like a Saga coach tour.
I am on my way to Finland now. My flight lands at 17.10. Please have him ready to leave.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.03
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
How’s da patient? You want the honest answer? I feel like killing him.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Pertti Van Helden
To: David Crutton
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.14
Subject: Re: Phenomenatic coinciment!
You are as hilariful as the usuals, Dave! Your latest e-mailing is reminiscing me of the time I come Miller Shanks London for Euro CEO conferences and you tell taxi driver take me to the Tower Hamlet for the proper Cockney welcome. I am meet the famous London mayor, Dick Van Dyke, but I see only the brick throwing fights between the Pakistan persons and the traditional cockney chavs. This is when I realize you are pulling my chains and I laugh uproarious at your mischievity!
You will be happy I inform you that Noah is make a good progression. I am jerk memories of his father with stories of crazy adventures we are having in the old time. He is tell me his father is the pompousful prick head. This is showing the memories are coming back and he has also the Crutton senses of ironicalism that is never failing to split the Van Helden rib area.
I notice he has the gay word writted in the tattoo, so you will be also happy he does not come in the hand of Finland homophobist Nazi skinhead. Sadnessly our joyful nation of “liberal herring lovers” has the small numbers of these misguiding persons in its middle. I assure him that even though I full blood Viking pussy hound, I am comfortables with his homosexualness. As soon as he is well I prove this by we go in sauna and I beat his naked back with the fine twigs of Finnish birch.
I look forward to your come. As the Englishes are saying, I stick the kettle up!
Pertti Van Helden
TheHeroicHerring.com
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.17
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
Doesn’t sound good. Want to confide?
From: Lorraine Pallister
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.26
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
The Turkish army is outside. One of them came in with a bunch of grapes and a final reminder. Liam owes them £18,000, half of it debt and the rest punitive interest. I made him explain. He must have been truly suicidal because the stunt he pulled to get himself into this mess was a self-inflicted death sentence.
We’ll never make it out of here alive. I’m mad as hell with him, and also with myself for getting fooled again. Honestly, I’d walk out on him now, but with the mob out there, I might as well have hostage lipsticked across my forehead.
Sent from my iPhone
From: Bill Geddes
To: Lorraine Pallister
Sent: 27 January 2009, 13.27
Subject: Re: O’Keefe
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