Lysistrata

by Flora, Fletcher

  “Never mind, Calonice,” said Lysistrata. “He will be here soon enough after the peace is signed, as will Lycon, and it will not be necessary to endure prolonged abstinence in the future.”

  While talking, they had been walking together toward a gate, and now, having reached it, Calonice and Nausica wished Lysistrata good luck in the negotiations and stood aside as she passed on through the gate alone. On the other side, Lysistrata faced the peace parties that had gathered among the Ionic columns, and she was pleased and gratified by the expressions on the faces turned toward her. When she had approached and taken her position, an Athenian stepped forward from his party and spoke.

  “Lysistrata,” he said, “here are assembled, as you can easily see, some of the foremost men of Greece, and we have come to consider a treaty of peace, and we will have no one but you to guide our deliberations. This is most unusual, you being a woman, and it may set a precedent we will later regret.”

  “It is true that I am a woman,” said Lysistrata, “and I can see that you are now exceptionally conscious of it, but I think it has been established that I am not, for that reason, to be discounted as a person, and on the contrary I have demonstrated clearly that I, as well as my companions, am much more clever than was previously acknowledged, and have, moreover, accomplished things which were not thought possible. Nor am I ignorant and untaught, having sat at the feet of my father and learned the wise precepts of the elders, and I remember from childhood the stories of great victories and common shrines where Greeks supported each other in the defeat of common enemies. It is a shame that you have forgotten the heritage which we all share, and have for many years devoted yourselves to the neglect of your homes and wives and the making of widows and orphans, and all the while, if you will be so sensible as to consider it, the barbarians to the north have been preparing to destroy us entirely, which may be unnecessary, after all, if we do not immediately refrain from destroying each other.

  “Spartans, have you forgotten how Pericleidas, your countryman, came to ask for help when you were threatened by rebellious helots and angry Messenians? At that time, please remember, Cimon of Athens marched with four thousand hoplites to save you, and for this you have shown your gratitude by the systematic invasion and ravishing of Attica since the time of Pericles.

  “Athenians, do not think that I consider you innocent in this foolishness just because I have chosen to speak directly to the Spartans first. Nothing could be farther from the truth, and I would like to remind you this instant how Spartan fought beside Athenian in the recovery of our freedom from the Thessalians, and the truth is, as we all know, nothing would have been won without Spartan spears.”

  Having said all she cared to say at the moment, Lysistrata stopped speaking and waited for a response, and the spokesman for the Spartans stepped forward at once.

  “This is all true enough,” he said, “and we will not deny that Athens on occasion has done us a good turn. On the other hand, it must be acknowledged that she has also on occasion done us a bad turn. In my judgment, it is as proper to remember the one as the other, and we are not inclined to assume an amicability that would make us vulnerable to deceit and deprive us of what is justly ours.”

  “What do you mean?” said Lysistrata. “I would appreciate it if you would be a little more specific.”

  “We want Pylos,” said the spokesman, “and that’s as specific as it is possible to be.”

  Lysistrata turned to the Athenians, speaking to the man who had spoken first to her.

  “What do you say to the return of Pylos?”

  “I say that we are determined not to give it up. It was taken honorably by Demosthenes and Cleon the Tanner, and is considered essential to our welfare, and we have not forgotten, furthermore, that the Spartans were especially obstinate about giving it up at the time, and have been ever since.”

  “Kindly do not be as obstinate as you have accused the Spartans of being. It is necessary to give and take in these matters if we are to reach an understanding.

  Think, like sensible men, in terms of compensation. Conceding Pylos, what would be acceptable in return?”

  “Echinus, at least, and the long walls known as the Megarean Legs.”

  “I can see,” said the Spartan, “that the Athenians are as deceptive as ever, and do not really wish to come to terms, for they would not, if they did, make such ridiculous conditions.”

  “As for me,” said Lysistrata, “I see nothing ridiculous at all in the exchange. Pylos for Echinus and the Megarean Legs, and peace for everyone.”

  “You are not informed as to the relative values of such places,” said the Spartan. “That is perfectly evident.”

  “Well,” said Lysistrata, “I may not be informed as to the relative values of this and that, but nevertheless I do not propose to countenance the interminable bickering over trifles that has gone on among informed men for two decades and has accomplished nothing. I tell you directly that Athens will have the Megarean Legs in return for Pylos, or you will all continue to be deprived of legs of another variety, and you can take my word for it.”

  “Since you put it that way,” said the Spartan, “we are compelled to accept the exchange. This being our major difference, which is now settled, I suggest that we draw up the rest of the terms without delay so that we can get on with the celebration that is traditionally a part of such happy occasions.”

  “Now you are truly being sensible,” said Lysistrata. “A celebration would be a pleasure to everyone, there is no question about that, and while you are completing the details of the treaty, which certainly do not require my personal attention, I shall go inside the Acropolis and see to the preparation of a feast, to which you are all invited. Afterward, each man may take his wife home, if she is here, or go at once to claim her, wherever she is.”

  Turning, she went back through the gate into the Acropolis, and she wished very much that Lycon were available so that the celebration might be completed in her own case in an appropriate and pleasurable manner.

  18

  IT WAS quite late by the time Lycon and Acron reached the marketplace. All the way there they had found the streets of the city especially lively with dancing and merry-making and various degrees of roistering, and the marketplace itself was even livelier than the streets. As a matter of fact, everyone seemed to have lost his normal inhibitions to a great extent, and this was not unusual on festive occasions, but Lycon could not for the life of him recall what occasion this was.

  “Acron,” he said, “it is perfectly apparent that something is being celebrated, and I wonder what it is.”

  “So do I,” said Acron. “I don’t like to show my ignorance in such matters, but I think I’ll ask one of these happy fellows.”

  “In my opinion, it would be justified. Here, coming toward us, is an old gentleman who has drunk far more wine than will be good for him in the morning. Perhaps he can tell us what is going on.”

  The old man came dancing up and was stopped, and he leaned forward and cupped a hand behind his near ear in order to hear what was asked of him, and then, having heard, he straightened into as erect a position as his bent bones would permit and stared at Lycon and Acron with an expression of complete incredulity.

  “Do you mean to say,” he asked finally, “that you have not heard?”

  “We have just come from Pylos,” said Lycon, “and it is apparent that we have heard nothing about anything, or we would not now be wasting time in asking. Be so good as to tell us clearly what has happened to cause these festivities.”

  “Why,” said the old roisterer, “peace has happened, that’s what. Lysistrata, wife of Lycon, a woman as remarkable as any in the history of Hellas, has compelled Athens and Sparta to come to terms. This very day the treaty was signed, and tonight in the Acropolis the victorious women sat down to a feast with all the parties to it. In the meanwhile, the good word was spread abroad, and this accounts for the liveliness of our public places. This is news to fill one wi
th great satisfaction, is it not, my good fellows?”

  “Well,” said Acron, “it may be, and it may not be, for owing to our particular connection with it, it is something that will have to be determined.”

  The old man obviously did not understand a word of this, for he only cackled shrilly and nodded his head vigorously several times and went dancing away.

  “They have accomplished it, Acron,” he said. “Incredible as it may seem, it cannot be denied. Whereas we were faced previously with terrifying alternatives, we are faced now with terrifying certainty.”

  “Is that an improvement, do you think, or otherwise?”

  “I don’t know. At least we are relieved of the discomfort of speculation.”

  “Do you think we should walk up to the Acropolis and see if anything is still going on?”

  “Not I. I have no confidence at all that I am wanted up there. What I intend to do is go home, which is all that I have the heart for, and I am by no means certain that I am wanted there, either.”

  “Perhaps you are being too pessimistic, Lycon. It may be that things will return to normal, eventually if not immediately, and it is entirely possible that we may be respected again by our wives, and even accommodated.”

  “It’s agreeable to think so,” said Lycon, “but I have no faith in it.”

  “I do wish you would make a special effort not to be so gloomy, Lycon. I am trying to be an optimist and look on the bright side of things, and you seem determined to make it as difficult as possible.”

  “I’m sorry if I depress you, but I am in no mood to pretend to a cheerfulness I do not feel. I simply haven’t the strength for it. In order to avoid depressing you further, however, I’ll leave you at once and go home as I said I would. Possibly you can find more congenial companions among these maniacs who are dancing and shrieking and drinking wine in the streets.”

  “You needn’t be so touchy, Lycon. I have suffered as much in this as you have.”

  “In that case, it would be foolish for us to add to the suffering of each other. Good-night, Acron. No doubt I’ll be seeing you soon at the market. I may be spending most of my time here in the future.”

  “Good-night, Lycon. I’d walk along a little farther with you, but I feel inclined to hang around here for a while to see if anything exciting develops.”

  Leaving Acron in the marketplace, Lycon walked alone through the streets to his house. He went directly to his chambers and sat for a while in darkness, thinking about what had happened and was likely to happen, and he became more and more dejected and certain that nothing would ever be acceptable again, and after a long time he decided that he might feel a little better if he had a bath. Getting up, he stripped and went out to the paved bathroom and filled the basin and bathed, but as a consequence he did not feel any better after all. Back in his room, he wondered if he should go get some wine and fill a bowl and drink it by himself, but this did not seem like a particularly good idea, or anything that he really wanted to do. Then, all of a sudden, he felt a compulsion to go to Lysistrata’s room and sit for a while on a bench there. So he went down the passage and into the room, and to his surprise the flat terra-cotta lamp was burning brightly beside the bed, and in the bed was Lysistrata in a transparent purple gown, and she was looking at him quite pleasantly, and even with a kind of eagerness.

  “Hello, Lycon,” she said. “Theoris has been to tell me that you had arrived. I did not expect you home from Pylos for quite some time.”

  “I simply came back,” he said. “I was made to feel miserable by my fellows and could not stand it any longer.”

  “At any rate, I am happy to see you.”

  “Are you? Somehow I felt that you might not be.”

  “Whatever could possibly give you such an absurd idea?”

  “Well, you were not happy to see me the last time I came home, and besides, you are now famous for having accomplished exceptional things and might not wish to devote yourself to a simple fellow like me who has done little or nothing to excite admiration. Do you know what I was told? I was told tonight by an old rogue in the marketplace that you are one of the most remarkable women in the history of Hellas.”

  “Oh, well. You must not be excessively influenced by the opinions of others, no matter how correct they may be.”

  “I understand you had a feast in the Acropolis to celebrate the peace.”

  “Yes, we did. It was required as a courtesy to the embassies.”

  “I suppose it is unnecessary to ask if you enjoyed yourself.”

  “It was quite entertaining for a while, besides being satisfying as a symbol of our victory, but later it became dull.”

  “It is a quality of exceptional people, I understand, to become bored with what they are doing and wish to be doing something a little more exceptional. If I am allowed to ask, now that you are famous, what do you intend doing next?”

  “That’s entirely up to you.”

  “To me? I don’t understand, I’m sure. Would you mind explaining?”

  “Well, in the natural order of things, I must do almost immediately whatever I do next, and it might be to eat a grape, or paint my toes, or go to sleep, or do something else of your choosing.”

  Lycon, having been made somewhat timid by misfortune, was hesitant to understand this as he was clearly meant to. Such an abrupt reversal of an established attitude was rather confusing and suspicious, to say the least, and he was naturally reluctant to expose himself to further humiliation and rejection after having suffered them sufficiently. On the other hand, things could hardly become any worse, whereas they could certainly become a great deal better, and he decided that it would be no less than cowardly if he failed to assert himself in the hope of achieving something.

  “Lysistrata,” he said, stepping close to the bed,” I have asked you and asked you to make ready, and you have refused to do it, and now I am asking you again, and it will surely be the last time if you do not do it.”

  “Why, it is entirely unnecessary for you to be so aggressive about it,” Lysistrata said. “Not only am I prepared to do my clear duty as a wife, I am even prepared to take pleasure in it.”

  19

  “AS THINGS are going,” said Theoris, “we are not likely to be disturbed for a long time.”

  The cook leered at her and shook his head with a kind of reluctant admiration.

  “Have you been peeping and listening again?” he said. “It’s absolutely astonishing, the risks you take and get away with.”

  “The necessity to reconnoiter should be apparent even to a stupid lout like you. At any rate, the household has returned to normalcy in all its parts, including my lady’s boudoir.”

  “I’m not so certain that it pleases me to hear it. The Master will now begin dragging his cronies home to dinner again, and it will make a good deal of additional work.”

  “If you don’t like being a cook, you should quit. It does no good whatever to be forever complaining.”

  “One of the unfortunate aspects of slavery, goose, is that one is not permitted to resign whenever one chooses.”

  “It doesn’t matter. You have no talent for anything but cooking, anyhow.”

  “Not for anything?”

  “Please don’t presume to make improper allusions simply because I have been generous with you a time or two out of compassion.”

  “Never mind. You must maintain the fiction that you are something you are not, I suppose. I’ll get out the wine, and we can continue our celebration of the peace which was interrupted by the return of the Mistress and Master.”

  “I’m not at all sure that I wish to continue it.”

  “Nonsense. Your tongue is hanging out of your head.”

  “It’s true that I am quite fond of wine, and perhaps somewhat fonder than is good for me, but nevertheless I think that I have had enough at this time, for I have reached the point at which I am inclined to relax excessively.”

  “I can’t see why that should deter you. You
haven’t yet been made miserable as a consequence of relaxing, have you?”

  “I admit that I haven’t. You’re a vulgar promiscuous fellow, but you have kept your word strictly with regard to assuming all necessary remorse.”

  “To tell the truth, I have found very little necessary.”

  “Really? That being the case, I’ll not hesitate to share another bowl with you. Let us have some of the choice vintage from the Cyclades, if you please.”

  If you liked Lysistrata check out:

  The Hot Shot

  Part I: DEAR OLD HIGH

  MY OLD MAN was a bum, and my old lady was a slob, and chances are I’d be a slob and a bum both if it wasn’t for this God-damn crazy game.

  Funny thing is, I didn’t intend to play it. The way I got started was just one of those things. I was walking down the hall of the high school past the gym, and to tell the truth, I was thinking about going down to Beegie’s pool room to pick up a few nickels playing rotation, but the door to the gym was open, and I just happened to look in while I was passing, and there was this guy I knew, name of Bugs, running around with all these other guys throwing a ball at a hoop. I gave old Bugs a hoot and a holler, and thumbed my nose at him, and he thumbed back and yelled for me to come on in, so I did, and I don’t know why.

  You weren’t supposed to walk on the gym floor in your street shoes, so I went along the edge back to where Bugs was standing, and I asked him what the hell he was doing playing around with sissy stuff like that, and he said it wasn’t so Goddamn sissy when you got into it, and he’d bet two-bits I couldn’t throw the ball through the hoop two times out of ten if I’d stand back where he told me to stand. It didn’t seem to me to make a hell of a lot of difference whether I could throw the ball through the hoop two times out of ten or ten times out of ten, but old Bugs was so snotty about it, putting up his lousy two-bits that way, that I decided I’d take the bet, and besides, it was faster than five games of rotation. I saw how the other guys were sort of pushing the ball up toward the hoop with one hand, sometimes jumping up in the air a little when they did it, so Bugs got a ball and tossed it to me and told me where to stand, and I pushed it up the way I saw the others doing it, and damned if it didn’t go through. Bugs just hooted and said it was plain pig luck and I couldn’t do it again if I tried all day, so I pushed the ball up nine more times, and as a matter of fact, it went through the hoop seven times altogether. All the other guys were standing around watching me by that time, and they razzed Bugs pretty good, and Bugs said he’d pay off the next time he saw me at Beegie’s, and I said the hell he would, he’d pay off right now.