Chapter 16
Life is a Book wound down as Ellis and Sara sat on a fountain’s ledge, breathing in the calming mist as water trickled down in spirals behind them. It was Sara who broke the silence.
“Thank you for going with me.”
“You’re welcome.”
Ellis considered his own thoughts and struggled to put them into words.
“Sara,” he said, “I know that you think we have a—connection—based on what we’ve been through, but three weeks isn’t seven years. I can’t even begin to imagine what that’d be like—what you’ve gone through. Wouldn’t Stan be better suited to...?”
“Maybe,” Sara interrupted, “but Stan and Jake were never affectionate. I think it’s different when you love someone versus being a close friend with them. You expect more from life when you’re in love, and when it’s taken from you unexpectedly... well.”
“And what did you expect from Jake?”
Sara stared at the water a moment before smiling weakly. “We’d be married by now, probably with children. He wanted to name our first son after my father. I thought that was sweet.”
“Were you engaged?”
“Yes,” she said sadly.
“How long had you known you were going to be married?”
“I think I knew after breaking up with my first boyfriend.”
“Michael?”
“Yes, Michael. I’ve always loved Jake, but I didn’t realize how much until I spent time with someone else.”
“Did that make it weird for Stan, becoming the third party?”
Sara laughed softly. “Nothing ever bothered Stan. He was just glad we were all together.”
“So Stan never had a thing for you?”
“No,” Sara said, the smile fading. “To Stan, I was always Jake’s and always will be.”
Ellis nodded, recalling his earlier encounters with pianist. “He doesn’t let you date people, does he?”
Sara smiled dimly, but there was no humor in it. “No, he doesn’t. There are times when I just want to move away and find someone who can love me back, but Stan always reminds me that Jake’s still here, that he still needs me, and he’s right.”
“Why would he care if you found someone else?”
“Because he made a promise to Jake after he was shot.”
“You mean Stan was there when it happened?”
“Yes.”
“Were you there?”
“No, and it’s probably best that I wasn’t.”
Ellis hadn’t considered the possibility of anyone being around when Jake was shot. He couldn’t imagine how horrifying that must have been for a life long friend to witness.
“Stan blames himself. It was his idea to go after Office Clem, and he talked Jake and Phil into going with him. They found Office Clem first and he shot Jake just as Stanley Sr. showed up. A second too late is what Stanley Sr. used to say, and I don’t think he ever forgave himself for it. Stan held Jake and promised to take care of him. I guess my loyalty was a part of that promise.”
Stan’s earlier hostilities toward Ellis made sense now. He was a threat to Sara and Jake’s relationship, and Stan felt it was necessary to chase him away. Then another random thought crossed his mind with a bit more clarity.
“The night we met, at Percy’s, you left very abruptly.”
She thought back and nodded. “Do you remember how the song changed to one more melancholy? That was a song that Stan wrote for Jake. It was his way of reminding me not to get too close.”
Ellis shook his head, remembering Stan’s defiant glare that first night. “It’s good that Stan looks after you, but to not let you move on is just wrong.”
“We both tried to move on; he left for college and I dated Phil. Stan didn’t like that Phil and I were together; but, after giving some unwelcomed advice on the matter, he left it alone.”
“And what happened?”
Sara took a deep breath and began pacing. “Phil was great, and Jake convinced us all to become friends after Phil’s father left. He didn’t talk much after the accident, but he tried his best to fill the void that Jake left in our lives. I’ve always been attracted to Phil, but with Jake gone, and Phil being the next best thing; I just let my guard down. He asked me out a few years later, and I was so tired of being alone that I accepted.”
“So why did you end it?”
“We almost lost Jake.” Sara took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Phil had fallen in love with me, and I needed to talk to someone about it. Stan was dealing with his marital problems, and I knew my mother would just push me toward Phil, so I went to Jake. I shared everything with him. It really did help, but then Jake took a turn for the worse and I blamed myself. If he could still hear me, then maybe the grief of my being with someone else worsened his condition. I don’t know. I couldn’t live with myself if that were true, so I left Phil—for Jake’s sake.”
“And Phil didn’t take it well.”
Sara shook her head, obviously grieved by the subject, and sat on the ground near the fountain. She was hugging her knees.
“Don’t blame yourself for Phil’s condition,” he said firmly. “He made the decision to live like this.”
“Do you think it was wrong of me to hurt him like I did?”
“I don’t know.”
Sara waited for something more profound, but Ellis had nothing for her.
“If it were Mandy,” she eventually asked, “would you have moved on?”
He studied Sara. Despite her fragile state, he still found her to be as beautiful as ever. If Mandy were still in a coma, could he have dated Sara?
“I don’t know,” he said after some consideration. “After so many years—I don’t know.”
“Could you tell me about her?” Sara asked, not looking at him.
Ellis popped his fingers nervously. “She visited my church eight years ago, and we became quick friends and eventually more. She didn’t care that I’d dated around in my teen years—did a lot of things in my teen years—but she liked that I was a Christian and that I didn’t pressure her into sex or anything like that.”
“But you have Lilly?”
“Lilly was a beautiful accident. Mandy and I made a promise to wait for marriage before having sex, though I’d already lost my virginity several times by then. I agreed to giving abstinence a shot because it made her happy, and I liked that, in time, she would be willing to share something so intimate and personal with me. The temptation got to be too much, though, and we ended up having sex a year later. It was just once and not planned at all, but we promised to never do it again. Once was all it took.”
Sara laughed beneath her breath, and Ellis wondered what could be so funny.
“Jake and I made the same promise. It meant a lot to us.” Sara shrugged. “I guess we’re still waiting.”
Ellis was shocked. It surprised him that someone so beautiful could still be a virgin. Such a thing was foreign in today’s society, ridiculed even. It was the one rule of Christianity that he never cared to keep. Not until Mandy came along, anyway. She made the wait special.
“How did she take it,” Sara asked, “finding out she was pregnant?”
“Not very well,” Ellis said with a shrug. “Her parents took it even worse. They were solid Christian people and held abstinence to the highest level of importance. Mandy didn’t originally tell them about that night, but she had no choice after finding out she was pregnant. Her father tried to be understanding, but his disappointment showed. Her mother was livid. They attempted to support her but worried too much about perception and grew tired of the looks they got. They eventually disowned her.”
“Oh, my God,” Sara said, covering her mouth. “They disowned her? She needed them, and they just kicked her out?”
“She tried to reconnect with them after Lilly was born, but they wouldn’t accept Mandy until the baby weight was gone. Lilly and I, we just didn’t exist in their eyes. They wanted to pretend that Mandy was still their l
ittle princess, like nothing had changed, but Mandy wouldn’t let that fly. I found out later that they tried to force Lilly into adoption; they refused to have a bastard child in the family. Mandy was strong-willed, fortunately, and refused to be persuaded. And the surprise of all surprises,” he said sarcastically, “was that her parents blamed me for everything. I controlled their daughter with a serpent’s tongue, apparently. It was a dark time for us both.”
“That’s horrible!” Sara said. “As Christians, they should have forgiven and loved you, not cast judgments. They needed to be there for Mandy and Lilly both, and for you.”
“Oh, I was the bad guy—the heathen who defiled their daughter. Mandy and I made our peace with God, but that wasn’t good enough for her parents.”
Sara looked inquisitively at Ellis. “They’re the reason you hate the church, aren’t they?”
Ellis nodded. “Your mother said I shouldn’t blame all Christians for the faults of a few, but it wasn’t just Mandy’s family who acted like that. A lot of people from her old church—her parents’ church—shared their mentality. They were a gossiping bunch and were always whispering when we’d visit. It didn’t take long for the whispers to spread to our own church.” Ellis considered Mandy’s final days and shook his head. “She had been crying over it when the accident happened. She wasn’t focused, crossed the line, and hit an oncoming van. I was thrown from the car, but she was crushed in the driver’s seat. Lilly was with my parents at the time, thank God.”
“I’m so sorry, Ellis. That’s horrible.”
Ellis rubbed his temples, his face growing red. It was as if he hadn’t even heard Sara speak. “I hate Mandy’s parents because of how they treated her, and I hate the church because of all their judgmental hypocrisy. Not one of them cared about Mandy or how their rejection made me feel. They didn’t care one bit that their calling Lilly a bastard was hurtful for all three of us. I don’t care that she was conceived out of wedlock. Lilly is not a bastard! There is nothing wrong with her!”
Ellis realized that he was standing now and yelling at no one in particular. Taking a series of deep breaths, he closed his eyes and sat back down.
“Oh, Ellis,” Sara said softly, hugging him. “There’s nothing wrong with Lilly, nothing at all. You shouldn’t have had to go through that.”
Ellis acknowledged Sara’s words, but his mind was much too temperamental to let them sink in. She let go of him, and he gathered his will to continue the story. “Buck, the doctor who illustrated my books, discovered some medical research that might have helped Mandy, but her parents refused it. They swore that God would heal her. Buck and I pleaded with them, but they wouldn’t hear it.” Ellis released a slow, pent up breath. There was more to the story, but the details were insignificant, and he was tired. “She was in the hospital for three weeks before dying. She never woke up.”
“They were wrong, Ellis,” Sara said softly. “They were all wrong. If that would have happened here, I guarantee you Mandy and Lilly would have been loved. God demands that we love indiscriminately, and that’s what her parents, and everyone else, should have done for you. I am so ashamed of them.”
“Yeah,” was all Ellis could say. He looked into Sara’s eyes and saw the genuine concern. She was probably right. Mandy and Lilly would have been loved in Anderson—by Sara, at least, and most likely everyone else.
“How did Lilly handle her mother’s passing?”
“She asked for Mandy a lot and couldn’t understand where she’d gone. She was only three at the time. She was young. I tried bringing Mandy’s parents into Lilly’s life, but they wanted no part of her. I decided that was probably for the best and have been raising her alone ever since—with help from my parents.”
Sara wrapped her arms around Ellis. Nothing more needed to be said, and Ellis was grateful for that. He’d grown very tired in a short time.
The day had passed quickly between Life is a Book, meeting Jake, and now this. He was surprised by how dim the sky had become and was suddenly struck by how short his time with Sara was. It was then that Sara quietly chuckled.
“We’re pretty messed up,” she said.
“We should probably get some help,” he replied softly.
“I like having someone to talk to. How long will you be staying?”
“I leave in the morning. I’m due back at work tomorrow night; more than that, I miss Lilly.”
“Oh.” Sara was saddened by this but then looked at him with a lacking smile. “I just assumed you wrote for a living. What else do you do?”
“I work third shift at a paper factory. I hate it.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t suit you. Good luck with the whole book thing.”
Ellis smiled as he took her hand. “I’m glad I met you Sara. I’m leaving pretty early, but I’d like to see you again before I go.”
“I’ll be with Jake and Rachel in the morning. You can visit us there if you want.”
She wrapped her arms around him before he could answer and simply held on. No, this was goodbye. There would be no seeing Sara in the morning, and he could tell by her embrace that she knew it as well. They held one another for a long while until she lifted her chin and kissed him softly. Ellis would have been lying if he said he didn’t enjoy, it but the kiss was hollow, and he could see the indifference in her face as well.
“It was the wrong time for us,” she offered.
“Your mother has my number,” Ellis said. He stood and offered Sara a hand. “Call me if you ever need anything.”
“Will you visit?”
“I’ll try.”
“Bring Lilly.”
“I will. Would you like me to walk you home?”
Sara smiled and took a step back. “If you’re so afraid then find someone else to walk with.”
Ellis laughed quietly. “Yeah, I know. You’re just a girl.”
“Famous last words.”
Ellis and Sara stood an arm’s length apart. Then Sara waved and, with great reluctance, turned to go. Ellis watched her leave, respectfully minding his eyes, and knew that he was missing out on something wonderful, but she was right; the time was all wrong for them. Having come to this conclusion, he whispered a silent goodbye and turned to go.
Cicada Song Page 17