by Kim Faulks
I yanked my head up. She was older, kind eyes softened, a slow sad smile curled her lips.
“I’m not dying?”
She shook her head, “No, honey. You’re not dying.”
I shifted my gaze to the blonde now standing at the door, the rest of the customers surrounded her, all eyes were on me.
“My husband used to have these all the time when he came back. I got used to his triggers and figured out how to talk him through them. Old habits die hard I suppose.”
I nodded and reached for her hand. “Thank you.”
“You’re the same as he was. I can see it in your eyes. These wars kill more than flesh and blood, they steal your soul if you’re not careful. You’re okay now, son, you’re okay.” Her hand left my shoulder. “You can manage them you know, learn your triggers, remember to slow your breaths and you’ll be fine.”
The band around my chest eased. The roar inside my head dulled. “Thank you.”
“No, thank you. Thank you for fighting, and thank you more for surviving. Take care of yourself.” She gave me a pat on the shoulder and turned away.
I leaned forward and climbed to my feet, nodding at those who lingered in the doorway. “I’m fine, just fine.”
A goddamn panic attack. I gripped the car door and climbed in. My hands shook as I clenched the wheel. I never shook. I never crumbled…I never had a panic attack.
Until now.
The engine started on the first turn of the key. I clenched my fingers to stop the shake and shoved the car into reverse. My fingers tap-danced across the wheel. I strangled the leather with one hand and shoved the car into first, leaving the onlookers behind.
“Goddamn it! Fucking panic attack, really?”
My roar bounced around in the cabin, slapping me in the face. Still it never helped, never done a damn thing. I focused on the road, on the bags of food in the rear seat and the diary X could write her damn dreams in.
Damn kid…damn funeral…damn fucking war…
I punched the accelerator, forcing the old Jeep to pick up the pace. The phone in my pocket vibrated. I remembered Irwin’s message still waited. I snatched the phone free and tapped the screen. Messages lit up. Three were from young recruits I was training.
There was more than one funeral this week, more than one life taken. Harker had been a good kid, skilled in combat, and too damn kind to be shipped off to war. Artemas had instructed me to poach him straight from the Corps recruiter’s office. He wanted to fight for his country—wanted to protect those who needed it the most.
One tour of Soteria showed him the real war—and it wasn’t for oil—it was right here in battle against the corrupt and the wolves—where human lives hung in the balance.
The kid accepted my proposal the next day…now I was to bury him. I was to bury him and look his mother in the damn eye and promise her his life had meant something—that his death wouldn’t be for nothing.
And I was determined to keep that promise.
I scrolled past the other messages, tapped Geek boy, and stared at the three clipped sentences.
Family killed by Echo pack. Kid taken when she was nine. Dangerous, so be careful.
Dangerous. Irwin was the second person to say that.
If only he could see how damaged she was and how the only person she was a danger to was to herself. I slowed the car and turned the corner. My gaze drifted to her window as I spun the wheel. The view was empty. The brakes grabbed, stopping the car on a dime.
The sun was heading for cover as I climbed out and slammed the door closed. I skirted around the events of tomorrow and wrestled with the bags from the rear seat. Corners of the diary poked through the bag as I headed for the back door. Would she like the damn book, would she even know what to do with it?
I kicked open the door and listened. The place was silent and empty, didn’t mean a thing. “Hey, X. I’m back.” I dumped the bags onto the table and yanked out the meat. “I got us steak for dinner.”
The silence felt wrong, like an absence filled the air—a haunting reminder of what I’d had and lost. I headed for the front of the house and scanned the lounge room and X’s closed bedroom door.
She’s gone. The thought gripped me as I stepped into the doorway, and then another took its place. Dangerous to herself…unstable, unhinged. The band around my chest tightened one more notch. “X, you in there?”
The room was empty, the bed bare. I crossed the space and yanked the drawer. Her clothes were bundled tight in exactly the same place. She couldn’t have gone far. Maybe for a walk, maybe…
A hiss of a breath stilled me. I turned my head, scanning the shadows and caught an outline huddled against the wall.
Jesus. She was asleep. I eased the drawer closed and knelt. “X. X, wake up.”
The kid was out of it, eyes closed, full lips slack. She looked too asleep…like she was…
I clenched my fist and reached out. My heart thundered, slamming against the sides of my chest. “X, hey. You’re scaring me here.”
I pressed against her knee and gave a slight shove. Her head dropped to the side, and she snapped her eyes open.
X stared at me with the cold, hungry eyes of a killer.
There was a second where I saw what the others did…a second where my gut clenched and a warning howled through my head.
I went for my gun, but it was too late. Her fist shot out. The blow hit my jaw and my ass hit the ground. She lunged as I rolled and dragged my Sig free. Pain tore through my jaw and into my head.
“Don’t you touch me…don’t you ever touch me again!” Her warning came far too late.
I held up one hand and gripped my gun with the other.
“No hair…see.” She fisted the side of her head and took a step. She fixed her gaze on me, but there was nothing in those brown eyes…no spark of life, no spark of anything.
My damn fingers wavered. I opened my mouth and agony bit deep. “X, it’s me, Alpha.”
“No hair, no hair.” She shook her head. She dropped her hands to her shirt. The fabric pulled taut across her small breasts. Dark nipples puckered under her cruel grasp. She pinched and pulled, twisting until my gut clenched. “Nothing you want…nothing you want…no more, please no more.”
That tightness squeezed and strangled. Christ, she thought I wanted…thought I was going to… The muscles of my jaw tightened, until I had nothing more than a muffled growl. “It’s me, X. Look at me… Look at me!”
Her head wrenched up. Her body stiffened. Something sparked in her eyes, a hunger so beautiful and feral it took me by surprise. Her gaze dropped to the gun in my hand and she dropped her hands and stumbled.
“No…wait. It’s okay. I’m putting the gun away,” I mumbled and slammed the piece into my holster. “You scared me, that’s all. I wouldn’t…not unless you…”
Her spine flattened against the wall.
“You didn’t know it was me.”
No, she didn’t…she thought I was someone else…someone who wanted more than her fucking hair.
Pieces slipped into place. The party, her hair…her fucking hair…
Dangerous…yeah the kid was dangerous—weren’t we all when we were backed into a corner? “X. I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me the truth. Did someone try to hurt you?”
3
X
My breath stopped. I glanced toward the door.
“X, look at me,” Alpha warned.
His face blurred under a glistening sheen. Drops fell to hit the floor as I found the floor. I clenched my fist.
Don’t say it…don’t say it.
I could never tell, not Alpha.
They were coming for me, coming to take me back to that place, coming to hurt me, to make me theirs, to show me the real horrors of this world.
Just as they showed me in Hell.
Alpha would get in their way. I knew he would, knew it the moment he pulled me from that building, knew it by the way his warm eyes implored me. He smelled of
desperation. He smelled of a sickness of the soul—of an ache that never went away.
I knew that ache—felt it just as brutal now as the day the echo pack came and stole my world.
The thought conjured bloody images, thick with fear, frozen with remains. They'd kill Alpha, just like they killed everyone I knew. Just as they were trying to kill Joslyn and the Dragons.
I exhaled hard and met his stare. “I’d kill a hundred men before I let one make me a slave.”
He cut a glance at my breasts before finding my eyes. His voice was thick with agony. “You’re not going to find that here, okay? Not with me.”
We stood in silence, and then he took a step toward the doorway. “I got us some steak for dinner, thought you’d be starving by now.”
My belly tightened until a tremor raced. I shook my head.
“No? You sure about that? I got a two-inch thick steak with your name on it.”
I licked arid lips and curled my body. The memory of the drug’s bitter taste still lingered. Drugs to make me want them…to make me touch them. Those days and nights were a sex-filled blur. My knees collapsed. I curled my body and hit the floor.
“Okay, then,” he muttered, turned to leave, and then stopped. “Got you something else…a diary for you to write in. Hold on, let me get it.”
He took off, heavy boots thundering along the hallway as he made for the kitchen and then returned. He crossed the room slowly, gaze focused on me, and held out some book in his hand. “The cashier said you can write down your dreams and stuff. You can keep it beside your bed, or I can get you a key for a cupboard, so you can…you know, keep it hidden. For your eyes only.”
Dreams? I had no dreams…only nightmares.
“Oh shit.” He flinched and jerked the book away. “I didn’t think, I’m sorry. Do you know how to write?”
Those white walls filled my head. The classroom crammed with books spread out in front of me.
A, e, i, o, u, now write it down X…that’s the way…that’s a good girl.
“Yes, I know how to write. They made me take classes.”
“Oh good.” He forced a smile. “There you go then. I’ll hunt around for some pens…should’ve thought of that…sorry.”
I nodded as he shifted from one foot to the other and then nodded. “Yeah well, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me.”
I waited for him to leave and then snatched the book from the bed. The gold pattern dipped and swirled under my fingers. I traced the markings from corner to corner, and then opened the cover. Ruled pages waited inside, ready to soak up my darkest deeds, or my unspoken desires.
There was only one I wanted…only one I needed.
I pulled myself up from the floor and took a step toward the doorway. The living room was darkening, shadows reached across from the TV on the wall and stereo surrounding it. I skirted his things, keeping my steps light. Magazines were scattered across a glass table, still there was no pen.
The hiss of searing steak echoed down the hallway, and the rich, heady scent, thick with blood followed. My stomach twisted and turned. My mouth watered, hunger was a beast inside me, ripping and shredding.
I licked my lips and clenched my fist, abandoning the hunt for a pen.
Can’t trust the meat…
White-hot pain flared in my mouth. I probed soft flesh with my tongue and tasted blood. The points of my fangs lengthened, scraping, cutting. An ache moved in, worse than hunger, deeper than pain.
I shook my head as my body shifted under my skin. A snarl slipped through my mind, and in the dark, white teeth glinted.
“You sure you don’t want any? Looks mighty fine to me.”
I stumbled for the front door. My steps were awkward, bouncing, dragging. Nails lengthened to claws as I reached for the handle, leaving behind gouges in the wood.
Can’t trust the meat.
Cold, night air smacked me in the face. The streetlights glared, sinking shadows deeper to swallow the forest on the other side.
Can’t trust the meat.
I blinked into the light and stumbled. My bare feet slapped the icy asphalt. My wolf stalked closer to the surface, catching the thick heady scent of those who marked and roamed. Run, she whispered. Get away from this place, away from these people. We can make it on our own.
I shook my head and surged deeper, sticks and branches snagged my jeans. A twig snapped somewhere off in the distance, inciting the hunter within. Cold wind licked my bare scalp as I raced for the sound; the sweetness of panic flared, light fast, the patter of paws came back to me, hunting, moving.
The old me resurfaced. I shot forward, head down, trees whipping past, moving as one with my wolf. Nails gouged soft earth as a flash of white cut through the dark. The rabbit skirted right, then left, zigzagging around a thicket. I couldn’t stop, couldn’t pivot, not like I used to. I barreled through the thorny branches. Cloth tore, and a sting followed, narrowing my focus to me and my prey.
Muscles strained as I shot forward and with a grunt, I lunged, sinking claws into soft fur, and rolled. The beast bleated and thrashed. Its pulse thundered. The sharp smell of urine cut through the air, invading my nose.
Food, my wolf whimpered. Food…not steak…never steak.
I dragged the wriggling body to my lips. Soft fur tickled my nose. Ears twitched. It kicked, gouging my hand with sharp claws in a desperate attempt to flee.
But there was no escaping, not for this beast and not for me. I opened my mouth and sank fangs deep. Warmth flooded me, sliding down the back of my throat. I ripped and chewed, swallowing until the food was limp and my hunger sated.
My belly bowed, warm and full. I collapsed to my knees and sank back on my haunches. Blood cooled on my face, and turned icy with the winter wind.
I swiped my mouth with the back of my hand. The crimson mess shone black in the night. The forest closed in, scents sharpened, the earthy richness of the dirt under my feet grounded me.
Alive. I closed my eyes and tilted my face to the sky. The moon hung low, a waning moon, still the power thrummed in my veins. I wanted to howl and scream. Somewhere in the distance, Alpha called my name. That sound rocked me.
My stomach tightened. Blood and flesh sloshed around as I moved. I raised my hand to my mouth, and then lunged forward, slamming my hands to the ground. The rabbit shot from my mouth and splashed against the dirt.
I heaved and whimpered, until there was nothing but air. Couldn’t hunt, couldn’t eat. I couldn’t survive—not like this.
A chuckle slipped into the air. I wrenched my head from the ground. Silver eyes watched me from the dark. “You know, you remind me of that little rabbit, no matter which way you run you can never escape. Run, run, run little wolf. Run back to your human. But he won’t save you.”
“Balkie, what are you doing?”
A whimper slipped from my lips as the hulking outline stepped out from between the trees.
No…
The sick bastard took a step closer. “I’m talking to our friend here.”
“There you are,” Diamond growled, teeth shone white in the dark. “I thought you were dead. You hurt me, hurt me real bad. Got some payback comin’ to you, girl. Got some sweet ass payback just waitin’ right here.”
“You deserved it, you sick spineless piece of shit. Y-you stay away from me.” I hated how my voice broke, hated how weak I sounded. “You stay away from me and Alpha.”
“You and Alpha, huh? The human won’t last a week.” The threat hung in the air. “You say anything about us and we’ll come for you. We’ll tear you from that nice home you got there—but not before I make you watch while I tear out the human’s throat, just like I did for your Grandpa.”
The blood in my mouth turned rancid. Ground crunched under his boots. My hands shook as the past reared. Fight, my wolf urged. You know how.
“Gonna be some fun times ahead with you and me,” Diamond whispered.
I closed my eyes. He couldn’t hurt me, couldn’t break me…not anymore
. My world was already shattered. Fragments of the person I once was lay at my feet.
His fingers skimmed my flesh, a hiss followed. “What the fuck…” Hard fingers clenched around my neck and yanked.
My body followed, bare feet dangled. I clawed the air, swiping an inch from his face. “Put me down!”
“Say one fucking word to your boyfriend and I’ll come for you.”
His cruel fingers speared into the back of my neck. With a roar, Diamond heaved me through the air. Branches raked my face as I bounced off a tree and hit the ground with a bone-jarring thud.
“Screaming won’t save you, bitch. Not this time.”
“Not now, Diamond. We have to go,” Balkie growled. “The Senator’s waiting.”
A shadow rushed. I caught the glint of a boot before the pain. The impact hit my chest, sending me backwards into the dirt.
“I’m gone for now. But I’ll be seeing you, X. We got some things to settle, you and me.”
Stars sparkled between broken branches. I tried to inhale, my stomach caved, chest burned. But there was no air, there was nothing but a burning in my chest.
The thud of boots echoed, twigs cracked, growing fainter as they left. I slammed my palm to the ground, gouged the dirt with my claws and rolled. A harsh wheeze tore free, scattering pine needles and leaves.
My hand slipped. I hit the dirt face first into the slick mess of the rabbit. Fur stuck to my fingers.
They were coming for me, coming to take me back to Hell. I lay there, listening to the faint steps.
A cry tore free, sounding closer. “X! Where the fuck are you?”
I closed my eyes. Go away, Alpha…just go away.
4
Alpha
I winced at the squeal and watched the casket disappear into the earth. Red petals slipped off the sleek mahogany wood and for some reason that bothered me. Stitch wouldn’t like the flowers gone like that. Flowers were for joy, for beauty, and death…death was so very far from that.
“Ann-Marie,” Gunny murmured behind me.